Paul was not an apostle. He was a Johnny come lately who screwed up the whole thing. He took the message of Jesus out of the equation and turned the movement into a religion about the deification of Jesus instead of the teachings of Jesus. It was not up until 300+ years after the fact that Jesus was deified. Until then, to most Christians, Jesus was just a great teacher (rabbi). The gospels are not wrong, it is the interpretation of them that is misguided and misinterpreted.
The true story of the teachings and life of Jesus have been lost in the myth that rose up around the history. The deification of Jesus was completely fabricated from more ancient myths from Egypt, Babylon, Persia and India by the Romans. You know nothing of the history of the bible. Even the OT is a fabrication borrowed from the Sumerians, Assyrians, Egyptians and Babylonians.
What you don't get is, that you are not a wretch that needed saving. You are not a sinner because of something that happened (or didn't happen) hundreds of thousands of years ago. You do not need any external forces or saviours to make you whole or righteous. What you need more than anything is to love yourself. You are misplacing your love on a myth, a love that is meant for you. The fundamentalist literal interpretation of the bible is utter nonsense. It has no basis in any reality.
Anybody who has studied the bible to any degree, and has not relied on someone else to tell them what it means will tell you that. What you have done is given away your personal responsibility to find the truth to someone else because you did not trust your own inner wisdom. That is the saddest part of all. Fundamentalist Christians are spiritual cripples feeding off the insecurities of other spiritual cripples.
Jesus supposedly spent 40 days and nights in the desert wrestling with his demons, praying and meditating of the meaning of life. It is what is required of every human who seeks the truth. It cannot be handed to you, you have to earn it, fight for it, become worthy of it. The path is narrow because it is your path. No one else can make it for you. It takes courage and determination. A book is only a map, a guide, but eventually you have to put down the book and go off on the journey, a leap of faith.