(From
McMartin: Jurassic fart - The end of the beginning)
Letters to the Editor:
“In a major new climate finding, researchers have calculated that dinosaur flatulence could have
put enough methane into the atmosphere to warm the planet.” — Vancouver Sun, May 8.
From: Mrs. A. Brontosaurus.
Occupation: Ruminant.
Address: Humid, Bug-infested Swamp, Pangea.
Dear Editor:
“As a mother of several hundred hatchlings, I feel compelled to write in to you
today to share my thoughts about, and my fears for, our future. Our time here
as the dominant, super-gigantic species on Earth may be coming to an end, no
pun intended. We have only ourselves to blame.
“We now have incontrovertible proof that the Earth is warming, and that this
warming is due exclusively to our excessive lifestyles and unbridled consumption
of, mostly, ferns.
“According to a new study, we dinosaurs pass about 520 million tonnes of methane
annually, or the equivalent of about 706 gallons of gas a day. Think about that. Those
numbers are in themselves obscene, and I am not just talking about the fact that
everything smells like feet now.
“We cannot continue to live in this way and expect life as we know it to remain
the same. Everything we cherish and are accustomed to — the wallowing around
in fetid mudholes, the squashing of things underfoot, the daily panicked stampedes
— all those good times will come to an end because of our own profligacy.
“We have to leave a smaller footprint. We have to consume less. [And gawd knows,
at over 35 tonnes, I, for one, could afford to lose some weight!]
“We have to evolve into something less super-gigantic and lizardy to something more ...
oh, I don’t know ... hairy? and with opposable thumbs? Whatever. I’m only spitballing here.
But surely, if we start talking about this now, we can come up with something by the early
Cenozoic Era. But we have to start now, because our time is running out!”
•
From: Mr. T. Rex.
Occupation: Your Worst Nightmare.
Address: Wherever I Damn Well Please.
Dear Editor:
“I feel compelled to reply to your earlier correspondent, a Mrs. A. Brontosaurus,
whose letter appeared in yesterday’s paper.
“The tripe she spewed is what I have come to expect from plant-eaters like her,
those sensitive souls who have swallowed the codswallop about global warming
due to — I can’t believe we’re even discussing this seriously — flatulence. Really?
The world ends not with a bang but a whiffle? It is to laugh, not that that’s my thing.
“Is the Earth warming? Possibly, but the figures are inconclusive, and if there is a
rise in temperature, it could be due to factors beyond our control, such as solar
flares, cosmic rays or volcanic activity.
“But from cutting the cheese? Please. Something smells all right, and it’s not coming
out of our asses. It’s coming out of the mouths of credulous herd animals like Mrs.
Brontosaurus, who, if we met in debate, I’m sure I would eat for breakfast. Literally.
“In summation, the odds of our extinction by global warming is as likely as it is by a
giant meteor plowing into the earth and throwing up a winter-inducing layer of
atmospheric dust. Which is to say, zero odds. We dinosaurs have been on
the Earth for 165 million years and we’ll be here for another 165 million years.
Reptiles rule! Especially me.
“P.S.: Please excuse my shaky handwriting. I have difficulty holding a pen, given the size of my arms.”
•
From: Mr. F. Flintstone.
Occupation: Quarry worker.
Address: Bedrock City.
Dear Editor:
“As a mammal and, evolutionarily speaking, a newcomer to things, I’ve read with
interest the letters to the editor addressing the issue of global warming due to
sauropod flatulence. In most respects, we humans remain bystanders to the
issue — though sometimes, given our stature, we’re standing under the issue,
if you catch my drift.
“But I’d like to say this to our dinosaur friends, including those we humans have
come to rely upon in their capacity as cranes, airplanes, lawn mowers, etc.
“In many respects, we humans have already addressed the issue of global
warming by living in an ecologically responsible manner.
“For example, our output of personally generated methane as compared to
yours is minuscule [though my wife, Wilma, might tell you differently!]. Also,
consider our means of transportation. Our automobiles, propelled by foot,
have zero emissions.
“On the other hand, I look forward to the day when you all turn into oil.
Because when that happens, life is going to be sweet!”
“As ever, yabba-dabba-doo.”
