Anywho….back to the Emergencies Act Goat Rodeo & the architects behind its implementation and their Justin-ification.
Here’s a satirical look into the mind of Marco Mendicino from Justin’s inner circle:
Monday
They told me politics would be like this: You go into elected office intending to give back and offer of yourself. Instead you’re drawn into an ugly swamp of misinformation, partisan personal attacks and a more ethereal force I would refer to as “ingratitudinal disregard.”
The Emergencies Act was imposed to combat a literal insurrection by armed, foreign-funded, genocidal Confederate-Nazi white supremacists, and I was expected to show “restraint” in our response? We’re really going to parse over the details after I diffused the greatest existential threat to Canadian democracy since the Reform Party?
I am Her Majesty’s Minister of Public Safety. When I swore my oath to the Queen, I distinctly remember the words of Governor General Mary Simon. “Marco,” she said, “there are forces of tyranny who would take our great nation from us. It is because of you — and you alone — that right-thinking Canadians are able to sleep soundly in their beds at night.” There are other parliamentarians who may take these words lightly, but not me.
Tuesday
The opposition line, as I understand it, is that I was “wrong” to claim that law enforcement had requested the Emergencies Act in the face of police testimony to the contrary. Well, that’s misinformation and disinformation right there (and possibly superdisinformation).
I remember the event vividly: It was Feb. 13, 2022. In a Parliament Hill meeting room, I was called in for an emergency audience with the leading figures of Canadian law enforcement, including RCMP Commissioner Brenda Lucki and Ottawa Police Chief Peter Sloly. After we held hands and said a brief prayer for the continuance of our fragile country, the delegation kneeled and formally requested that I do all in my power to stop a tide of malevolence they could not staunch. “If this long national story of ours is to end at last, let it end only when each one of us lies choking in his own blood upon the ground,” I replied. The whole room clapped … or cried … I don’t remember which.
I understand that those present may have needed to change the narrative for political reasons, but it makes their betrayal no less bitter.
Wednesday
Today was a comparative day of rest for Marco Mendicino, but only because my usual enemies have instead turned on Transport Minister Omar Alghabra for his allegedly “stubborn” adherence to precautionary COVID measures at our border. While our ministries may differ, Omar and I face a common foe; the dark anti-science forces of supermegadisinformation. After the U.K. dropped mask and vaccine mandates at their border, the immediate result was a human catastrophe that I’ve been reliably informed was multiple times worse than the two world wars combined. A friend at the BBC recently told me that they suspect that their largest viewer demographic is now Britons who have died from COVID-19 in front of the TV. Tragically, there is no next-of-kin to find them because they, too, have died from COVID-19.
That’s what you get when you vote for Conservatives. I remember what Conservative House Leader John Brassard told me when we ran into each other at a parliamentary mixer earlier this year. He said, “Marco, if I could, I would infect every single man, woman and child in this country with COVID-19 as often as possible, because I am a Conservative.” You’ll forgive me if I find this position un-Canadian.
Thursday
I stand by my assertion that our freeze on handguns does not target legal gun owners. Of course, it *technically* targets legal gun owners, but what my disingenuous (and frankly racist) critics miss is that it isn’t the bill’s intention. The intention is to immediately stop all violence forever. If this is a goal you favour, I find it eerily petty that you would become pedantic about the details.
In the time it takes to write this sentence, 56,000 Canadians will die by gun violence. In my riding of Eglinton—Lawrence alone, 45 per cent of children under the age of 15 will be shot at least once this semester. Civic officials there have told me that storm drains are routinely congested by the daily tonnes of spent shell casings being swept into the water system.
Guns are also directly threatening our democracy; in the 2021 federal election an estimated 21 per cent of registered Western Canadian voters were literal firearms. The other night, during a community roundtable I was approached by a family of firearms. The family’s young daughter, a bolt-action .22, stepped forward to say, “Marco, I’m not comfortable living in a country that would have us as legal possessions. I beg of you to ban us.” I’ll do what I can, gun family, I’ll do what I can.
Friday
All of this manufactured far-right outrage serves just one purpose: to obstruct our government’s urgent agenda. I need not tell you this is a country plagued by crises. White supremacist terrorists have seized control of gyms, the banking sector and most of YouTube. Climate change has already rendered four out of 10 Canadian provinces unliveable, including New Brunswick and Saskatchewan. At least 45 species of Canadian mammals — including the polar bear, the snowshoe hare and the Northern collared lemming — face immediate extinction at the hands of plastic waste. We can and must do better.
When I was just a young Toronto prosecutor, I had a brief encounter with then-prime minister Stephen Harper. He told me, “Marco, I am an evil, evil man. If I feel happiness, it is only in witnessing the unjust suffering of decent men, and I have constructed the Conservative Party of Canada purely as a force that will sow chaos and sorrow for long after I’m dead.” Those words have stuck with me.
Dear Diary: Leading figures of Canadian law enforcement kneeled and formally requested that I do all in my power to stop a tide of malevolence they could not staunch
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