It's time to re-think marriage!

[Ron in Regina]

That's the expectation I think she was suggesting, yes. Cliffy did.Let's see, I don't think 1.34 billion people is a particularly small number.
We should eliminate all marriages because "only" 20% of humanity is monogamous? Funny. Or that only 20% of humanity should be married? Just as funny. Who's going to choose which people are monogamous from the rest?

If people were upfront like my wife was with me, they could arrange a marriage to be whatever they like it to be, assuming both partners are agreeable.

I seem to have fallen into the 20% minority that are hardwired for Monogamy.
I also seemed to have the quirk of finding spouses that fall into the other 80%.

1.34 Billion doesn't sound like a small number, unless they're buried in a pile
of 6 Billion others....where most of that 6 Billion claim to fall into that 20% that
time seems to eventually prove that they really aren't. At best that leads to
frustration, and worse to broken marriages and children living in one parent
families, and those in the 20% just getting tired of trying to wade through the
80% that claim to be in the 20%.....but aren't....leading to long breaks where
they just lose interest in even try'n to sort that quagmire out.

 

[Cliffy]

I seem to have fallen into the 20% minority that are hardwired for Monogamy.
I also seemed to have the quirk of finding spouses that fall into the other 80%.

1.34 Billion doesn't sound like a small number, unless they're buried in a pile
of 6 Billion others....where most of that 6 Billion claim to fall into that 20% that
time seems to eventually prove that they really aren't. At best that leads to
frustration, and worse to broken marriages and children living in one parent
families, and those in the 20% just getting tired of trying to wade through the
80% that claim to be in the 20%.....but aren't....leading to long breaks where
they just lose interest in even try'n to sort that quagmire out.

Yup! What he said.

 

[L Gilbert]

I seem to have fallen into the 20% minority that are hardwired for Monogamy.
I also seemed to have the quirk of finding spouses that fall into the other 80%.

1.34 Billion doesn't sound like a small number, unless they're buried in a pile
of 6 Billion others....where most of that 6 Billion claim to fall into that 20% that
time seems to eventually prove that they really aren't. At best that leads to
frustration, and worse to broken marriages and children living in one parent
families, and those in the 20% just getting tired of trying to wade through the
80% that claim to be in the 20%.....but aren't....leading to long breaks where
they just lose interest in even try'n to sort that quagmire out.

That'd be 5 billion, not 6. We haven't yet reached a total population of 7.34 billion yet.
So basically you are saying that the whole issue isn't worth any effort. hhhmmm Nuts, I'm missing out on hundreds of women................. that I don't particularly care about just to remain with one that I care about a lot. Aren't I a fool? BTW, those 100s are only maybes. The one I have is a surety.

Yup! What he said.

So, how many of those hundreds I was talking about do you have, Cliffy? Are they a surety?

 

[Cliffy]

That'd be 5 billion, not 6. We haven't yet reached a total population of 7.34 billion yet.
So basically you are saying that the whole issue isn't worth any effort. hhhmmm Nuts, I'm missing out on hundreds of women................. that I don't particularly care about just to remain with one that I care about a lot. Aren't I a fool? BTW, those 100s are only maybes. The one I have is a surety.

I doubt that anybody thinks you are a fool, Les. In fact, I would think that most are envious. ;-)

 

[L Gilbert]

Marriage is a union between TWO people. That means it is a TWO-way street. One cannot expect that only one person in the union be the one to keep the whole thing together. Both the sodium and the chlorine in salt work to keep the molecule together.

I might add that if Anna ever wandered on me, I wouldn't be leaping to the conclusion that it was her being in the 80 %ile. I'd also be investigating to see if I might be doing (or not doing) something that would bring up issues.

 

[Ron in Regina]

That'd be 5 billion, not 6. We haven't yet reached a total population of 7.34 billion yet.
So basically you are saying that the whole issue isn't worth any effort. hhhmmm Nuts, I'm missing out on hundreds of women................. that I don't particularly care about just to remain with one that I care about a lot. Aren't I a fool? BTW, those 100s are only maybes. The one I have is a surety.

Five Billion....Six Billion....my bad. I'm not knocking Marriage at all. It's a very
beautiful thing when it works....I was just calling it as I see it from my own
perspective. If what you have works for you...Awesome! I just don't seem to
have that knack in the choosing process it seems.

I seem to attract (and apparently are attracted to) those in the 80% when
I'm hardwired into that 20%. That's just me I guess, but it sure whittles down
the 1.36 Billion in the pool that I come into contact with. Just the way it is,
for me anyway.

 

[L Gilbert]

Five Billion....Six Billion....my bad. I'm not knocking Marriage at all. It's a very
beautiful thing when it works....I was just calling it as I see it from my own
perspective. If what you have works for you...Awesome! I just don't seem to
have that knack in the choosing process it seems.

I seem to attract (and apparently are attracted to) those in the 80% when
I'm hardwired into that 20%. That's just me I guess, but it sure whittles down
the 1.36 Billion in the pool that I come into contact with. Just the way it is,
for me anyway.

Look into a course or two in psychological profiling then.

Marriage is a union between TWO people. That means it is a TWO-way street. One cannot expect that only one person in the union be the one to keep the whole thing together. Both the sodium and the chlorine in salt work to keep the molecule together.

I might add that if Anna ever wandered on me, I wouldn't be leaping to the conclusion that it was her being in the 80 %ile. I'd also be investigating to see if I might be doing (or not doing) something that would bring up issues.

Edited previous post.

 

[karrie]

Is marriage really being rethought? Or are the parameters that we find unacceptable simply changing?

When my grandmother was raising her children, being beaten was not a 'valid' reason to leave a marriage. Having a husband who was not willing to help with the kids was not a reason to leave either.

Now monogamy is on the table as a flexible issue, while abuse is unacceptable. Co-parenting is a must, but other things might have wiggle room.

What matters is that the couple marrying understand what their marriage is, not what society wants to make it.

 

[wulfie68]

..but you have to concede that 20% is a relatively small minority.

That's a huge majority when one of them is your significant other.

Those are the people that are GENETICALLY coded to be monogamous, aside from all the cultural indoctrination that accompanies the issue, not just in our western but most societies on the planet (although in some it is only expected that women be monogamous). And yeah, it always sucks to be on the bad side of a statistic...

 

[ironsides]

Yet it seems that this little 20% minority has a lot to say as how we control in this world. In most cases the single person is not in control. The 20 % maybe a minority, but a minority most strive to emulate.

 

[Chiliagon]

it all boils down to people getting married for the wrong reasons. Nobody or very few couples ever really make any effort to make the marriage work! they quit too easily and dont' give it a fighting chance!

 

[Praxius]

I know this is not neccessarily a political topic, but it can be political in nature as well as having political ramifications.....anyways, I appologize in advance if this is the wrong forum for this type of thread.

An article on MSN today talks at length at the number of divorces that in some way or another are connected to people's use of Face book, MySpace and Twitter. With our divorce rate already well above 50% and our propensity to "look" elsewhere whenever the chance arises, does it not seem time for people to take a hard look at their expectations for relationships and ask themselves if they are being realistic? Cheating has always existed, and among those animals that are often cited as good examples for humans to follow, cheating exists there too. Humans, and more specifically men, will often seek other options (even if that's not what you initially intend) and the more ways to explore options, the more we will stray. This to me seems an opportune time in our history/evolution to finally come to terms with our innate biological predispositions and accept that the institution of marriage is fraught with disaster given our nature. Let’s perhaps rethink our expectations and reconsider what allowances we will make in marriage.

Simply put, if you think it's mostly men (or all men) who cheat or are unfaithful in a marriage.... then don't get married. A good % of cheaters are also women, speaking from first hand experience as someone who was cheated on yet has never cheated.

Nobody is forcing you and whomever you wish to be in a relationship with or how you wish to identify that relationship is entirely up to you.

 

[Colpy]

Is marriage really being rethought? Or are the parameters that we find unacceptable simply changing?

When my grandmother was raising her children, being beaten was not a 'valid' reason to leave a marriage. Having a husband who was not willing to help with the kids was not a reason to leave either.

Now monogamy is on the table as a flexible issue, while abuse is unacceptable. Co-parenting is a must, but other things might have wiggle room.

What matters is that the couple marrying understand what their marriage is, not what society wants to make it.

Well said Karrie!

 

[Praxius]

By lying. We lie like crazy.....we all do.

Speak for yourself, not for me.

I've learned over the years that lying is pointless and only creates more problems down the road then telling the truth.

I speak the truth and tell it as I see it, in real life or in here because I figure it is best for people to know who I truly am so that if they don't like me they can piss off somewhere and leave me well enough alone.

If you lie like crazy as you admit, then chances are you will lie in your relationships as well, thus you are untrustworthy..... if that is the case, then it will be no surprise that marriage probably won't work for you.

I stand corrected on my "over 50%" stat, though I think the 38% is somewhat misleading. First, most of those that have been married for a long time come from a generation less accepting of divorce, thus, less likely to have one. Second, there are not as many people getting married today, rather, common law is the prefered choice for many. If the seperations of common law relationships were to be calculated I'm sure we would see the number climb well above 50%.

That is just an assumption at this point.

 

[Chiliagon]

Simply put, if you think it's mostly men (or all men) who cheat or are unfaithful in a marriage.... then don't get married. A good % of cheaters are also women, speaking from first hand experience as someone who was cheated on yet has never cheated.

Nobody is forcing you and whomever you wish to be in a relationship with or how you wish to identify that relationship is entirely up to you.

i think if they want to try and make marriages work more often and lower the divorce rate they need to install some new legal paths to make it happen..

here are a few ideas:

1. Minimum 1 year wait before Wedding date
2. Councilling mandatory 6 week course
3. appointments with Financial, social and medical advisors to make sure that everything is working well.
4. Automatic divorce granting and no custody rights for children or possessions if caught cheating.
5. Your Church has every right to ban you from getting married in their church for as long as they feel like if you're caught cheating and get a divorce.


I think too many people these days take Marriages for granted.

 

[Praxius]

Monogamy came along with the bible and the dictates of the catholic church.

Wrong, it has existed long before Christianity was ever a brain fart.

They could have nun so you can only have one. Man was never and is not a monogamous species. And don't try to tell me that your dick don't twitch every time you see a nice rack.

No, mine does not.... Breasts do nothing productive except help with feeding new born children and are just a part of the human anatomy. Just because your dick may twitch, doesn't automatically mean everybody else's does.... once again, speak for yourself.

Most men are monogamous because the fear the wrath of Wife (and the alimony payments). Others are just sneaky. Some are successful and many are not. In the end, it is all in the hands of women (unless you're a rapist) because like the t-shirt said: "I have the pussy, so I make the rules"

Going into a marriage is a choice..... I chose to do so for my own personal reasons in that it matched the direction I wished to go in my life. You may be lead around by your penis, but I am not, I never was, and I never will be. Sex and reproduction was never a main aspect that drove my life and in fact, I only had sex with three people in my life thus far. Based on what I have been told by others, I am attractive and I have my own unique charm and if I decided to, I could have had more partners in my life, I could have ****ted myself up left, right and centre, and I've heard from a few women that I could have had opportunities with them if I chose to.

I didn't, because once again, That is not me and more important things direct my life besides trying to satisfy myself with trivial quests for dipping my stick into any random female out there.

Also, since I have been cheated on in the past, I know what it's like being in that position and I have enough respect for myself and others to not put someone through that sort of crap.

You may not, others may not and you all probably don't give a damn about anybody else other then yourselves and your own quest for cheap and quick pleasure..... but there are others in this world who have a little more respect for themselves and those around them who actually care about them.

And no, my position and views are not based around some religious beliefs.... they are based around my own principles and views.

Do as you wish.... don't get married, live your life as you see fit, sleep with as many people as you want..... but don't speak for me and don't generalize your entire gender with your own views as if you're the sole representative of us all, because you simply do not represent all male views and beliefs.... at the very least, you do not represent me.

With regards to having the stomach to make the needed repairs in a marriage, who's to say that we should have to make repairs in the first place?

Nobody says you have to.... if you don't want to, then don't get married... it's very simple. Nobody is forcing you to get married to anybody, but with marriage, comes certain obligations & expectations.... if you never want to hold true to those obligations and expectations, then why the hell would you waste your and your partner's time getting married in the first place?

A couple here and there is one thing, but if your car is a lemon, it's got to go.

Which is why divorces exist in the first place..... but just because you have a couple of problems here and there in your marriage/car, that doesn't mean you toss it aside just to seek out another relationship/car.

If you get married just for the sake of getting married because your friends are all married or you get married because the girl your with wants to get married or because you just want to have sex, then your relationship is doomed to fail before it ever began. It's a choice.... it is not a simple run of the mill choice like what you're going to eat for lunch, it's a life-long commitment. If you can not commit, then don't waste your time.

Whether it is a marriage, a common law relationship, a friendship or your family..... all of these have problems from time to time that need to be worked out.... that's called life. If you can't be bothered to work on these things and feel that it's all a waste of time, then cut your ties with your family, drop all your friends, end all your relationships and just seek out the one-night stands.

The inability to hold long lasting relationships or the inability to commit to one relationship isn't a problem with genetics or society, it's a problem with you and how you conduct your life. If you don't feel there is a problem, then there isn't, there's nothing to argue and by all means, continue living your life as you see fit. If you're happy, then what does it matter?

But just because you or some others can't hack a long term relationship or got into a marriage for all the wrong reasons, doesn't mean that applies to us all and that we're all plagued by the same problems you are.

This is my whole point, that marriage needs to be re-thought. Life should not be about coping. Life should not be about coming to terms. This is what marriage often offers.....constant sacrifice and coping. Women were at one time stuck, and forced to cope. There were no options for a woman who was beaten. Now, thankfully there are, she can leave, without question. The monogamy part of the question is one which I think needs to be revisited however. This is one of the main reason why couples split up. If however we were to have different allowances and expectations regarding sex, many would avoid the ravages of jealousy and accept that that is nature.

Nothing is needed at all, except truth and communication. You need to find out where you and your partner stand before you both commit to something like marriage. If you and her both want to seek out other sexual partners, then discuss it between yourselves. There are married couples who still seek out other sexual partners openly and are called Swingers. Marriage is not restricted to the Bible/Christian/Religious terms of marriage.... Marriage existed long before any of the current religions ever existed, thus no religion owns "Marriage" nor do they have any right to dictate how one conducts their marriage (Which is why I have no issue with same sex marriages)

Marriage has nothing to do with religion, it has everything to do with commitment between two people.... nothing else matters.

With regards to all of the Monogamous birds that were mentioned, this is pure myth. Genetic testing has confirmed that many of our feathered friends are much like humans. Forming quasi momogamous relationships while fooling around behind their partners back. As is the case with many humans, birs, and other animals, the father is helping to care for offspring he thinks is his, but through genetic testing we know they belong to another man.

Simply put.... if you can't trust those around you and constantly fear that whomever you're with is going to sleep around behind your back..... if you fear you might end up raising children that are not your's..... then that's your problem you have to deal with and until you do deal with it, you shouldn't get married.

But just because you have your own hangups, doesn't mean everybody else does.

We live in a disposable society - diapers, paper plates, Styrofoam cups, cars, jobs.... you name it. How do we expect our relationships to be different. Talloola and VanIsle are from a generation where marriage was a commitment. Today it is about how much loot teh couple can accumulate at the party. In the old days, people expected to work hard for everything, including their relationships. Today, if it doesn't turn on immediately, we become impatient and chuck it. It's all about me, me, and me. Like I have said before, every time I here someone announce their marriage I know somewhere there is a lawyer having a wet dream.

Me me me, huh?

My wife and I were perfectly happy just going to a court, getting married and telling everybody after the fact, because it was between us and no one else.... we didn't need to get approval from anybody, nor were we expecting all sorts of money and gifts from people.

The only reason why we had a wedding (which was very small mind you) was for our parents and our families. Since both our families come from opposite ends of the earth, we both felt it was more important for them to get together and get to know each other.... a family reunion so to speak. Our decision to marry and be with one another for the rest of our lives was already said and done..... the wedding was an "excuse" to get our families together since there weren't going to be many opportunities in the future for them to get together due to costs and distance..... in both our eyes, we were a very small part of the wedding. While some may have felt the wedding was all about us, to us, it had very little to do with us, nor did we ever want to be the centre of attention.

Granted, what you say above is true for some people.... usually young, ignorant and stupid people who think of marriage as a commodity for their lives or something that will somehow better identify themselves to others..... or puts them in some status in society that they think will make them somehow more important..... or they marry to please their parents/families...... or some other selfish and shallow reasons.

In this aspect, it's a "Don't have the game, hate the playa" because the playa clearly doesn't understand the game they're playing.

i think if they want to try and make marriages work more often and lower the divorce rate they need to install some new legal paths to make it happen..

So then you want to have the State determine who you are allowed to marry or have a serious relationship with? :-?

It sounds to me that because some people are completely irresponsible, don't think things through and go into a marriage for all the wrong reasons, that now you suggest that everybody on the planet are irresponsible and incapable of making their own decisions on how to live their lives or who they live it with...... or you suggest that we all have to prove it to someone.

Why?

When a marriage fails it is usually due to the people in that marriage, thus that failure of the marriage affects them, perhaps even their children, but it doesn't affect me, nor do I care.

My parents got married to one another because my mother was pregnant with my sister.... it was the 70's and that's what you did at the time..... I had questioned the whole aspect of marriage after that, who wouldn't..... but just because my parents divorced, that does not mean that my relationship will be the same. While their marriage failed, my grandparents on my dad's side were happily married for over 50 years before my grandmother passed away..... my grandparents on my mom's side were married for almost just as long until my grandfather passed away.

I, nor anybody else in my family ever saw either marriage as abusive or controlling and if there was any representation of a happy marriage that all should strive for, imo, it was those two marriages.

Something my grandfather told me days before my wife and I got married, was that the secret to their marriage lasting so long was to never go to bed angry...... it sounds simple and perhaps trivial.... but sometimes that is all that is needed.

As I see it.... marriages survive and last for so long when they're created based on mutual love and trust between the two in question..... they do not last based on forced obligations or hopes that the person your marrying will change after being married.

You need to work out the problems before you marry.... marriage is not a quick fix solution for anything. If those problems can not be fixed before you marry, then don't marry that person.

here are a few ideas:

1. Minimum 1 year wait before Wedding date
2. Councilling mandatory 6 week course
3. appointments with Financial, social and medical advisors to make sure that everything is working well.
4. Automatic divorce granting and no custody rights for children or possessions if caught cheating.
5. Your Church has every right to ban you from getting married in their church for as long as they feel like if you're caught cheating and get a divorce.

I think too many people these days take Marriages for granted.

I disagree with all of those things.... all that is needed are for people to start using their damn brains and think about the situation before blindly diving into it.

No church was involved in my wedding..... and there would have been no way I would have agreed with abiding to any of the above requirements, because my relationship with my wife and our love doesn't need to be proven to you, the state, the church or smokey the bear..... it only needs to be proven to my wife and her proving to me.

The moment it becomes a relationship geared to proving to everybody else and seeking their approval is the moment that relationship is doomed to fail.

 

[talloola]

Wrong, it has existed long before Christianity was ever a brain fart.



No, mine does not.... Breasts do nothing productive except help with feeding new born children and are just a part of the human anatomy. Just because your dick may twitch, doesn't automatically mean everybody else's does.... once again, speak for yourself.



Going into a marriage is a choice..... I chose to do so for my own personal reasons in that it matched the direction I wished to go in my life. You may be lead around by your penis, but I am not, I never was, and I never will be. Sex and reproduction was never a main aspect that drove my life and in fact, I only had sex with three people in my life thus far. Based on what I have been told by others, I am attractive and I have my own unique charm and if I decided to, I could have had more partners in my life, I could have ****ted myself up left, right and centre, and I've heard from a few women that I could have had opportunities with them if I chose to.

I didn't, because once again, That is not me and more important things direct my life besides trying to satisfy myself with trivial quests for dipping my stick into any random female out there.

Also, since I have been cheated on in the past, I know what it's like being in that position and I have enough respect for myself and others to not put someone through that sort of crap.

You may not, others may not and you all probably don't give a damn about anybody else other then yourselves and your own quest for cheap and quick pleasure..... but there are others in this world who have a little more respect for themselves and those around them who actually care about them.

And no, my position and views are not based around some religious beliefs.... they are based around my own principles and views.

Do as you wish.... don't get married, live your life as you see fit, sleep with as many people as you want..... but don't speak for me and don't generalize your entire gender with your own views as if you're the sole representative of us all, because you simply do not represent all male views and beliefs.... at the very least, you do not represent me.



Nobody says you have to.... if you don't want to, then don't get married... it's very simple. Nobody is forcing you to get married to anybody, but with marriage, comes certain obligations & expectations.... if you never want to hold true to those obligations and expectations, then why the hell would you waste your and your partner's time getting married in the first place?



Which is why divorces exist in the first place..... but just because you have a couple of problems here and there in your marriage/car, that doesn't mean you toss it aside just to seek out another relationship/car.

If you get married just for the sake of getting married because your friends are all married or you get married because the girl your with wants to get married or because you just want to have sex, then your relationship is doomed to fail before it ever began. It's a choice.... it is not a simple run of the mill choice like what you're going to eat for lunch, it's a life-long commitment. If you can not commit, then don't waste your time.

Whether it is a marriage, a common law relationship, a friendship or your family..... all of these have problems from time to time that need to be worked out.... that's called life. If you can't be bothered to work on these things and feel that it's all a waste of time, then cut your ties with your family, drop all your friends, end all your relationships and just seek out the one-night stands.

The inability to hold long lasting relationships or the inability to commit to one relationship isn't a problem with genetics or society, it's a problem with you and how you conduct your life. If you don't feel there is a problem, then there isn't, there's nothing to argue and by all means, continue living your life as you see fit. If you're happy, then what does it matter?

But just because you or some others can't hack a long term relationship or got into a marriage for all the wrong reasons, doesn't mean that applies to us all and that we're all plagued by the same problems you are.



Nothing is needed at all, except truth and communication. You need to find out where you and your partner stand before you both commit to something like marriage. If you and her both want to seek out other sexual partners, then discuss it between yourselves. There are married couples who still seek out other sexual partners openly and are called Swingers. Marriage is not restricted to the Bible/Christian/Religious terms of marriage.... Marriage existed long before any of the current religions ever existed, thus no religion owns "Marriage" nor do they have any right to dictate how one conducts their marriage (Which is why I have no issue with same sex marriages)

Marriage has nothing to do with religion, it has everything to do with commitment between two people.... nothing else matters.



Simply put.... if you can't trust those around you and constantly fear that whomever you're with is going to sleep around behind your back..... if you fear you might end up raising children that are not your's..... then that's your problem you have to deal with and until you do deal with it, you shouldn't get married.

But just because you have your own hangups, doesn't mean everybody else does.



Me me me, huh?

My wife and I were perfectly happy just going to a court, getting married and telling everybody after the fact, because it was between us and no one else.... we didn't need to get approval from anybody, nor were we expecting all sorts of money and gifts from people.

The only reason why we had a wedding (which was very small mind you) was for our parents and our families. Since both our families come from opposite ends of the earth, we both felt it was more important for them to get together and get to know each other.... a family reunion so to speak. Our decision to marry and be with one another for the rest of our lives was already said and done..... the wedding was an "excuse" to get our families together since there weren't going to be many opportunities in the future for them to get together due to costs and distance..... in both our eyes, we were a very small part of the wedding. While some may have felt the wedding was all about us, to us, it had very little to do with us, nor did we ever want to be the centre of attention.

Granted, what you say above is true for some people.... usually young, ignorant and stupid people who think of marriage as a commodity for their lives or something that will somehow better identify themselves to others..... or puts them in some status in society that they think will make them somehow more important..... or they marry to please their parents/families...... or some other selfish and shallow reasons.

In this aspect, it's a "Don't have the game, hate the playa" because the playa clearly doesn't understand the game they're playing.



So then you want to have the State determine who you are allowed to marry or have a serious relationship with? :-?

It sounds to me that because some people are completely irresponsible, don't think things through and go into a marriage for all the wrong reasons, that now you suggest that everybody on the planet are irresponsible and incapable of making their own decisions on how to live their lives or who they live it with...... or you suggest that we all have to prove it to someone.

Why?

When a marriage fails it is usually due to the people in that marriage, thus that failure of the marriage affects them, perhaps even their children, but it doesn't affect me, nor do I care.

My parents got married to one another because my mother was pregnant with my sister.... it was the 70's and that's what you did at the time..... I had questioned the whole aspect of marriage after that, who wouldn't..... but just because my parents divorced, that does not mean that my relationship will be the same. While their marriage failed, my grandparents on my dad's side were happily married for over 50 years before my grandmother passed away..... my grandparents on my mom's side were married for almost just as long until my grandfather passed away.

I, nor anybody else in my family ever saw either marriage as abusive or controlling and if there was any representation of a happy marriage that all should strive for, imo, it was those two marriages.

Something my grandfather told me days before my wife and I got married, was that the secret to their marriage lasting so long was to never go to bed angry...... it sounds simple and perhaps trivial.... but sometimes that is all that is needed.

As I see it.... marriages survive and last for so long when they're created based on mutual love and trust between the two in question..... they do not last based on forced obligations or hopes that the person your marrying will change after being married.

You need to work out the problems before you marry.... marriage is not a quick fix solution for anything. If those problems can not be fixed before you marry, then don't marry that person.



I disagree with all of those things.... all that is needed are for people to start using their damn brains and think about the situation before blindly diving into it.

No church was involved in my wedding..... and there would have been no way I would have agreed with abiding to any of the above requirements, because my relationship with my wife and our love doesn't need to be proven to you, the state, the church or smokey the bear..... it only needs to be proven to my wife and her proving to me.

The moment it becomes a relationship geared to proving to everybody else and seeking their approval is the moment that relationship is doomed to fail.

you are a person who truly understands what being married is all about, and why to marry or not.
You're so right when you explain the shallow and silly reasons people marry, the hoopla, the expectations,
the connection to what people think they should do, but not actually what they 'know' they should do.

Being ready for marriage is a very enjoyable experience, a calming experience, for both people, and 'no'
big gala affair is needed at all, but the real important aspects of marriage are seldom talked about in
a group of people, but all of the surface stuff is always talked about as though those things are the
building blocks of a solid marriage.

And you're right about the sex part too, as two people who really dig each other, in 'all' ways don't
have any desire to 'cheat', and will never put themselves in a position to 'cheat', because everything
they have under their own roof together is 'so' important to them, that cheating is something they know
would destroy that bond. I find it sad when many 'men especially' say that all men have the desire to
cheat, it is natural, and men were not meant to be monogomous.

And how I believe, is not the generation I come from, as there were lots of cheaters back then too, but
now it is much worse. Sleeping around is the norm now before marriage, living together is the norm,
so I repeat again, how can two people suddenly cherish a faithful marriage when they have been sleeping
with and living with many other women/men, doesn't it just become a habit to have so many sex partners,
and then they have to 'stop' doing that, how does that work.


I loved your post, 'all' should read it.

 

[mentalfloss]

1.) This is really about 'monogamy' and not 'marriage', right?
2.) I love you praxius

 

[petros]

After 19 years and 10 months, Petra and I have decided to do it all over again and get our friends drunk.

Pop by for pyrogies and home brewed vodka.

 

[AnnaG]

Marriage is a union between TWO people. That means it is a TWO-way street. One cannot expect that only one person in the union be the one to keep the whole thing together. Both the sodium and the chlorine in salt work to keep the molecule together.

Yup.

I might add that if Anna ever wandered on me, I wouldn't be leaping to the conclusion that it was her being in the 80 %ile. I'd also be investigating to see if I might be doing (or not doing) something that would bring up issues.

It's all your fault. lol

Is marriage really being rethought? Or are the parameters that we find unacceptable simply changing?

When my grandmother was raising her children, being beaten was not a 'valid' reason to leave a marriage. Having a husband who was not willing to help with the kids was not a reason to leave either.

Now monogamy is on the table as a flexible issue, while abuse is unacceptable. Co-parenting is a must, but other things might have wiggle room.

What matters is that the couple marrying understand what their marriage is, not what society wants to make it.

Right. Like Les said, "If people were upfront, they could arrange a marriage to be whatever they like it to be, assuming both partners are agreeable".

i think if they want to try and make marriages work more often and lower the divorce rate they need to install some new legal paths to make it happen..

here are a few ideas:

1. Minimum 1 year wait before Wedding date
2. Councilling mandatory 6 week course
3. appointments with Financial, social and medical advisors to make sure that everything is working well.
4. Automatic divorce granting and no custody rights for children or possessions if caught cheating.
5. Your Church has every right to ban you from getting married in their church for as long as they feel like if you're caught cheating and get a divorce.


I think too many people these days take Marriages for granted.

Oh, good. Let's get gov't mandated everything. Get Big Brother to nanny us to death. How big (and expensive) do you want gov't to get?

After 19 years and 10 months, Petra and I have decided to do it all over again and get our friends drunk.

Pop by for pyrogies and home brewed vodka.

Where's Amisk and do we need shovels to get underneath it?