OK OK It's all settled now
Amid backlash, Trudeau children to be raised by wolves
OTTAWA (The News Desk) — Facing backlash over using public funds to hire nannies, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau announced that his three young children will instead be abandoned in the wild to be raised by wolves.
“We have heard you loud and clear,” the Liberal Party leader told the House of Commons on Thursday. “Xavier, Ella-Grace and Hadrien will sup at the teat of the she-wolf, not the taxpayer.”
Sometime in the coming weeks, the Trudeau children will be led into a clearing in the woods somewhere in the Canadian wilderness.
There, Trudeau and wife Sophie Grégoire will turn their backs on their offspring and walk away.
The children are already being warned that following their parents out of the woods will earn them the curse of the Baba Yaga, the Russian witch who rides in a shack atop the legs of a chicken.
The location will not be divulged, in hopes of keeping kind woodsmen from secreting away parcels of sweetmeats and dainty morsels for the Trudeau children to eat.
“Xavier, Ella-Grace and Hadrien will know what it is to eat their kill,” Trudeau said to raucous applause from the Liberal caucus.
Trudeau said he expects his children to quickly become integrated into the lupine social structure.
“My children will know what it is to range for hundreds of miles in search of the next meal. They will know what it is to nip at the hamstrings of a caribou, to bring it down and eat of its hindquarters as it writhes in the crimson snow.
“They will do so in a better Canada.”
At press time, the 23rd prime minister of Canada was busy fashioning his official residence at 24 Sussex into a rude hut of sod.
John Groves @jfgroves
Glen McGregor @glen_mcgregor 
