Then quit what you are doing and take the time to figure out who you are. Then reinvent yourself. The only constant in the Universe is change. Most of us are so busy pleasing others that we don't know what we want. Take the time to find that out before proceeding.
men and women..
- Thread starter Chiliagon
- Start date
It is none of your concern.
What she does with her private life and her relationships has nothing to do with you unless he's riding in the car with you and being a total jackass..... which the simple solution to that is to drop him off on the side of the road and if your friend doesn't like that, then she can join him.
Since that's not the case, you don't have to worry about doing that.
Now.... why I say her issues are none of your concern, is because no matter how good of friends you are with one another, no matter how much advice, approval or disapproval you give her with continuing to deal with this guy, in the end none of it will matter nor will much of what you say impact her decisions or how she views her friendship/relationship with this guy...... through my own experience and the experiences I have followed from those I know, you have to learn for yourself how to deal with such relationships/friendships and you have to make your own mistakes in life in order to understand what others are telling you, because in your position and view, none of your friends or family know the whole situation in a way that you do being directly involved in said relationship.
Keep in mind that she has her own life and whoever she decides to spend it with is once again, none of your concern...... by your own explanation, you're not dating or married to this person, so not only do you have no right to dictate who she talks to or spends time with (Regardless of how much of a wanker you think this other guy is) and for the level of detest you are expressing in here towards the guy and the situation, I'd say you still hold a level of jealousy and personal interest in her, which complexes the situation because I thought you were already going with your actual "Girlfriend."
Or are we talking about the same person here?
Either way, you have to stop over thinking things. Maybe she would enjoy going off to watch some sports with some well-off & shallow fool.... but keep in mind that she decided to go with you for this trip and twice turned him down in order to spend time with you...... explain to me how that's a bad thing?
That sounds to me like she's more interested in spending some real time with you, rather then spend time going to some sporting event she might enjoy, but comes with the expense of some hot shot all up in his position in life constantly harassing and hitting on her the whole time as if she owes him sex for taking her to a game.
Look at it from her perspective..... which person will put the less pressure on her and ruin the whole time due to expectations from her?
You or him?
I'm guessing you..... also if you're really that interested in her and you're really that concerned with losing her, then why don't you step up your game and try and get into a real relationship with her?
Because you don't think you're good enough for her?
Because there's other guys out there who are better off then you, have more money, can offer more material things then you can, or you think there's more attractive guys out there with bigger wangs then you and know how to use it better then you do?
Guess what?
There will always be guys out there like that, just as there's girls out there who make other women worry about the same things. I'm not the richest person out there, with the fanciest car, the biggest wang or the body of a model..... I mean, sure my wang is big, but it's not the biggest out there.
My point is that there's always someone out there that will be better then you in some way....... should that stop you from even trying?
The problem is that the longer you keep worrying about that stuff and the longer you worry that you're going to screw it up in the end, the less likely anything will ever happen, you'll miss out on your chance, and will spend the next few years of your life (perhaps longer) kicking yourself in the ass for not taking a chance when the chance was right in front of you.
You have to realize that it's not all about money..... it's not all about being able to offer everything under the sun..... it's not about being able to take someone halfway across the country or the planet even....... if you're actually expected to do those things in order to maintain a relationship with someone, then that someone isn't with you for your love and companionship..... they're there for the money and convenience you offer and will only stick around until it no longer benefits them.
And if that's the case, seriously..... why waste your time seeking a relationship with someone like that?
Because you don't think you can do better and don't want to be alone for the rest of your life?
Been there, done that.
Back tracking a bit, once again put yourself into her shoes..... ask yourself out of the two of you to choose from, who allows her to be "Herself" more? Forget about how much money you have or he has, forget about who has the car and who doesn't....... does she have to pretend to be someone else around you in order for you to like her? Do you both get along? Laugh??
Anyways, until you actually step up and get into a relationship with someone, they will, at times, spend time with other people.... other men who might offer a relationship..... it's going to happen, because simply put, she's not tied down to anybody and can do whatever the hell she wants.
And what she wants to do now is spend time with you.
Sure she might have loved to go to NB to watch a game....... and if she didn't give a damn about your feelings or gave a damn about the hard work you put into planning this whole thing, she wouldn't have told you about these calls and would have made up some excuse as to why she couldn't go with you and then buggered off with this guy instead.
But she didn't.
What does that tell you?
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Whatever that tells you, one thing it tells me is that you not only have possible competition, but she's giving you a chance to do something during this trip. You need to give her a good reason why she didn't go to NB with this guy besides simple obligation. Make sure you spend time with her, make sure you both enjoy what you can while there, make sure you both get to do things you both might not normally do where you live........... and most importantly, if you have feelings for her and would like to be in a relationship with her, then imo, this will be your last chance to make an impression, otherwise, next time she might spend some time with this fella, because you don't want to go beyond friendship and there's nothing more to expect from you.
Think about it.... you're taking her to a wedding.... something most women consider quite romantic in someway...... You wanted to drive down with her, you have a hotel booked...... you're attempting to pull out all the stops and have been planning this for a while now and you're obviously looking forward to the whole time, especially the time with her.
What do you think that tells her? And what will it tell her if you do nothing during this whole time and sulk around worrying about her not going to some game with some idiot or continually act just as friends and nothing more the whole time?
That friends is all you both will ever be to one another and nothing more.
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I'm also curious about something...... when this guy called, did he call her when you were around and thus, just happened to know he called..... or did she purposely tell you that he called, after the fact?
Bottom line for my view is this:
If you just want to remain as friends with her, then you have no position to complain or to get jealous for who she spends time with.
If you want to be more then friends and have a relationship with her, then you better suck up your low self esteme, suck up your worries, suck up your doubts, grab some courage and do something about it during this trip, or else I may suspect you might lose your chance altogether.
Sometimes you need to risk getting a klingon pain stick jammed into your scrotum..... but sometimes it never comes and the rewards from taking a chance can pay off more then you could imagine...... but if you never do anything and are always afraid to take a risk, then don't expect anything in your life to ever change.
And maybe taking the chance at grabbing some ground when you have the opportunity in front of you will allow you to grain even more ground later on.
In other words, sucking up your low esteem & low confidence and telling her how you feel and trying to get a relationship going...... and her possibly saying yes, might in turn boost your self confidence to where it should be, which in turn could chain react in other aspects of your life, like your job, your pay, where you live, all of it...... once you can see you can tackle and accomplish something you thought was almost impossible, you can then start to see many of the other things in life that were keeping you down are pretty trivial and not as bad as they once seemed.
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wow.. so much to read, so hard to comprehend it all..
but it is pretty good. I agree with a lot of what you say.. still trying to understand it. haha
but it is pretty good. I agree with a lot of what you say.. still trying to understand it. haha
Holy batcrap Dr. Phil!!!!
Good luck with your situation Chili. Sounds like you should make a serious commitment soon or you're bound to lose this gal. Love conquers all man....
Good luck with your situation Chili. Sounds like you should make a serious commitment soon or you're bound to lose this gal. Love conquers all man....
Indeed, it is a lot to read..... but I wouldn't waste my time writing all that if I didn't think it could help your situation.
*shakes fist* So you damn well better read it!
Indeed, it is a lot to read..... but I wouldn't waste my time writing all that if I didn't think it could help your situation.
*shakes fist* So you damn well better read it!
You should write Pokemon fan fiction. :smile:
Yes I am.
I call them "Datarisms".....
and sometimes people here at work seem to get a little miffed at times at the level of detail and information I provide with projects and such...... but I figure I better provide all the information I can because then nobody can come back to me later and bitch me out for leaving something out..... and if they over looked something or screwed up something, they only have themselves to blame since all the information is right there in front of their face.
i am trying to read it! i am not a grade A reader here. I lose track.
basically, my lingering feelings for this girl are getting in the way.. I know that the future is not going to be with her yet I'm struggling at letting go of the rope that i am tied to.
self confidence has always been an issue with me.
basically, my lingering feelings for this girl are getting in the way.. I know that the future is not going to be with her yet I'm struggling at letting go of the rope that i am tied to.
self confidence has always been an issue with me.
Chiliagon - I gotta say... why don't you just ask her which she would rather be doing? If she'd rather go with the other guy, wouldn't you rather go alone to the wedding with your dignity intact than with a date who's mind is on someone/somewhere else?
Sounds to me like she's moved on emotionally from the old relationship you two had... and you haven't. You're not doing yourself (or her) any favours by clinging to the pretense that you're fine with this new arrangement... 'cause it's obvious you're not fine with it at all... and if she's making it plain to you that she's upset about missing out on an event with someone else, that's a big ol' clue.
hard to tell with her. not the easiest woman to read when you talk to her or look at her.
she's the type to get really angry and then forget about it the next day and move on, not be angry with you anymore.
she also doesn't exactly say what's on her mind until the very end when it all comes out.
she's tricky, that's for sure.
I'd back off from the woman for awhile and if she's for you and vice versa, she'll make a favourable move- just tell her I'm backing off until such time as we are free of encumbrances, that way she'll know you're not rejecting her per se. :smile:
Indeed..... how do you know your future will not involve her?
Are you basing this on flaws and faults in her personality that you can not see yourself living the rest of your life with?
Or are you just saying your future won't be with this person simply because you don't think the interest is equal between you two?
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In a nut shell: You don't believe your future has her in it because you don't want it to, she doesn't want it to or you both already agreed that you both don't want it to?
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If you came to the final conclusion that you couldn't deal with her crap for the rest of your life in a serious relationship viewpoint...... then why get all hung up with her possibly wanting to spend time with some other guy? You don't want a relationship with her, thus what she and this other guys does is irrelevant.
When you're not with her, for all you, I and everybody else knows, she could be playing with his monkey in her bedroom, doing all kinds of nasty and sticky things together, screaming their lungs out and then spending 20 minutes afterwards cleaning up the mess they made..... then doing it all over again...... or with some other guy...... or multiple guys at once....... maybe some girls too while we're at it.
^ Does that bother you?
If it does, then you have a problem you need to address and if the only way to address this problem is to cut her from your life, then so be it, but you can not tail around her for another 5-10 years getting upset every time she talks to some other guy, or heaven forbid, marries someone other then you...... before you know it, you'll be insisting to her your approval of the men she dates or is planning to marry as if she's 14 and you're her father. Eventually if you don't break this habit, she'll break it for you.
Simply put, if you don't want a relationship with this person and yet you can not separate yourself from friendship and relationship with this person, then you're better off saving yourself and her the trouble and either take a break from seeing her, or cut her from your life altogether.
Besides, how do you expect yourself to move on and find someone else for yourself to spend time with, to evolve, to grow into the person you want to be, if you're continually throwing yourself backwards to a relationship that either no longer exists, or never existed in the first place?
You sound as though you subconsciously throw yourself into this punishment because in your own way, it's at least something. Sure it's something.... but that doesn't mean there isn't much more out there.
How do you expect to gain any confidence and self esteem by spinning your wheels over the same problem? You also sound like you may not want to be the bad guy and do what's right for you because you don't want to hurt other people's feelings and would rather inflict the pain and suffering onto yourself, because after all, that's what's always expected of you, am I right?
He's toying with her ... to see if he still has her under his thumb. He's hoping that she'll jump at the chance to be with him just to prove to himself that she belongs to him, and then he'll let her go again. When he feels that he's losing her, he'll do it again. The bigger question is why is she still talking to him?