it would sure make those who are not taking this whole marriage vow idea very seriously to think twice about doing it!
It's time to re-think marriage!
- Thread starter ansutherland
- Start date
it would sure make those who are not taking this whole marriage vow idea very seriously to think twice about doing it!
I think it'd be more likely that people would get even more resentful toward gov't interference in their personal lives than they are now.
And it'd likely kill anyone's thought of getting married at all.
Love the post Praxius. I plan to get married in the winter. We have been together nearly a year now, and being older and wiser we did not enter into this lightly, but we know what we want and know that things will not be easy, but will be a great adventure. Marriage works when the two people want it to. The distance makes it a bit tough as I miss him dearly, but that is the good thing about frequent flyer miles. 
I had planned to make the final move in 2 yrs, but on my next visit, I am going ahead and applying at the main hospital and follow up with immigration and when they give me the green light, it is bye-bye Texas.
I had planned to make the final move in 2 yrs, but on my next visit, I am going ahead and applying at the main hospital and follow up with immigration and when they give me the green light, it is bye-bye Texas.
Just to touch on this part of your comment, as I see it, having a pile of sexual partners doesn't automatically mean someone is doomed when it comes to marriage or sticking with just one partner..... one has to look at the reasons why someone has so many partners.
Was that person looking for someone to spend their lives with this whole time and just never found the right person (yet won't give up searching) ?
Were they just in their younger years and wanted to experiment or to just find themselves before finally settling down and finding direction in their lives?
For me, I had three sexual partners in my life.... it's not many compared to most, but they were all before getting married, and I have lived with them all on our own as well.
Living with a partner before marriage or having sex with a partner before marriage is not a guarantee that a marriage would fail.
As I saw it, I guess I was always seeking someone to eventually marry in the process. I mean, why waste time and effort with a relationship if you never plan on it lasting? Having sex before getting married and also living with someone before getting married, to me anyways, was an important step in the overall process.
For me (I won't speak for anybody else) to know someone sexually, their likes, dislikes, if we connect, etc..... as well as to know what that person is like while living with them is a very important step in knowing what being married to that person might be like. I always felt not knowing those things before jumping into a marriage was a pretty big risk and a pretty big chunk of important information relating to making an informed decision on whether or not you want to spend the rest of your life with them.
Dating someone and getting to know them in a "Dating" environment is far more different then actually spending time living with them, to know how they live, what their hangups are, how much of a neat freak that may be, what things they may expect you to do, etc...... same with sex..... what happens if you never had sex with that person, get married to them, then find out that they absolutely refuse to do things you like, or want you to do things you out-right oppose..... or say for example, they don't like having sex as much as you, or vice versa??
Knowing if you're sexually compatible with your partner and knowing if your way of living in your home is compatible to their way of living in their home are two important things in determining if there will be problems down the road if you two marry..... not addressing these things before committing to a very serious decision in my eyes, is very risky and can/will cause some issues down the road.
Sure you may know much about your partner by just going on dates and the movies here and there.... or having dinner at their place or yours..... but those environments are "Staged"..... you get a far more different view of that person when you spend day in and day out living with them to know if over a period of time you might rub each other the wrong way. You see their imperfections, you get to know them inside and out and helps give you a more informed opinion on whether or not you can deal with them for the rest of your life.
Oh and don't expect everybody to read my posts..... they tend to be too long for most to bother with lol ;-)
It's south of Creighton. Nope no shovel, the hole is already dug. Bring rubber boots and lighted helmet.
Love the post Praxius. I plan to get married in the winter. We have been together nearly a year now, and being older and wiser we did not enter into this lightly, but we know what we want and know that things will not be easy, but will be a great adventure. Marriage works when the two people want it to. The distance makes it a bit tough as I miss him dearly, but that is the good thing about frequent flyer miles.
For my situation, both of us never met each other face to face until she flew here (Canada) from Australia to move in with me. We met online in my small little forum I run, and while we knew each other for a number of years as usernames, neither of us really talked to one another until one day she posted something I was interested in and we got talking.
Neither of us were looking for a relationship at the time, however, within a week from that we both agreed that she'd move here and stay with me. It'd start off as friends and go from there, if things didn't work out, we'd remain as friends or at least room mates.... or at worst, allow her to live here until she found her own place or had enough money to head back home..... but I assured her that I accept responsibility for my actions and would never toss her out on the streets. We also knew that it'd take a few months for her Visa to go through and such, so that gave us more time to get to know each other, via web cam, email, etc.
Of course her, I and our families had some concerns since we never met each other face to face and came from different countries, and her mother of course sent me an email of her own telling me of her concerns and what she'd do if I ever mistreated her, which of course was understandable and replied back as honestly and straight forward as I could which of course removed many of her own concerns.
About a half a year later from our first communication with one another, I was at the airport waiting for her, we met, went back to my place and pretty much from the moment we got into the door, we kinda figured we'll skip the friendship aspect of things..... I'll let you use your imagination from there.
One month shy from a year since we met face to face, I proposed to her on Christmas day and were married the following September.
In most worthwhile relationships, one has to take risks and also have to listen to your gut feelings..... for all she knew, I could have been some axe murderer, and for all I knew, she could have been a man named Buck killing time in prison.... though talking on the web cam helped squash those worries..... but there are always some unknowns and it is those unknowns that require some risks to be taken.
Too many times in my life I have passed opportunities by because I was too scared or just didn't think they were worth the risk...... and while some part of me regrets missing some of those great opportunities, those "Mistakes" helped make me the person I am today which lead to the choices I made in getting married to my wife and the path we are taking now. Like myself, she too also missed out on some opportunities in the past, and both of us came to the conclusion that doing what we did was worth the risks.
She always wanted to come to Canada and I always wanted to go to Australia and as a Bonus to our choices, she got to make that wish come true, as will I in a few more months since we're going to move back there by the end of the year. I have no idea what awaits me when we get there, I have no idea where we're going to be living, where I'll be working, who'll I'll meet..... if I'll get along with other family and friends of hers I never met..... but I accept those risks and plan to take it all as it comes.
For me, marriage is about taking responsibility...... it's about both taking responsibilities and accepting everything each has to offer in each others lives, both good and bad. If one has been in a relationship for a long time and still isn't sure about some of the issues/problems in the relationship and/or if they can be resolved or accepted, then one should not marry until those issues/concerns are addressed.
Both my past two relationships talked about getting married and off and on, pressured me into making a decision, since one relationship lasted 3 years (the one I was cheated on) and the other 4 years (I suspect I was cheated on)..... While I changed and tried to adjust to their needs and wants, they changed/adjusted very little.... certain concerns never were addressed or changed and because of those things, I was simply not comfortable in considering marriage with either of them..... I did all the work in changing, yet I was supposed to accept them as they were, and in one case, I was to accept she cheated on me and was a simple accident "It just happened" ~ While I had low self esteem at that time and allowed the relationship to continue a few months afterwards, I still wasn't stupid enough to accept marrying them and eventually (with good reason) those relationships eventually came to an end.
Some people make the mistake in getting married out of pressure from others, or pressure from the partner, or guilt that your relationship has gone on for too long and should have moved into getting married after a given period of time..... but if one hasn't proposed or asked for marriage yet, chances are, there's problems that still need to be worked out.
With my wife, there were no major issues between us, there were no lies, no trivial drama, we loved each other, took our own risks and made sacrifices to make the relationship work (such as leaving family behind to move to the other side of the planet) and none of the issues from my past relationships existed in this relationship.... at the same time, I wasn't like her past boyfriends and I didn't come with the issues they had that caused friction in her past relationships. If we were willing to travel halfway around the world to meet one another and try to make the relationship work, then we were willing to see anything through.
I dunno if any of this makes any sense, but for me, marriage isn't about convenience, or about having someone share the load, or to fill in some social status for your friends and family, or for the sake of having a family because you want a family, or because you feel you're getting too old and need to settle with what you're given...... it's about sharing your life with someone and to walk the path of life with someone else.... someone who is a kindred spirit if you will..... it's about finding a clone of yourself amongst a pile of billions of other people on the planet.... in a manner of speaking.
There's your family.... there's your friends..... there's your co-workers..... there's your boyfriend/girlfriend..... and then there's your husband/wife who is above all others.
Now I'm not saying everybody should get married and have a family.... nor am I saying those who just want to have sex with all sorts of people and never want to commit are somehow in the wrong. Everybody lives their lives as they see fit and their lives are only right to themselves, everyone else be damned.
If what you are doing makes you happy, then all the power to you..... but for those who don't believe in/or understand what marriage is all about, you may see no point in marriage, but that doesn't mean nobody else does.
And for the record.... no, I'm not from the 50's, 60's or 70's.... I don't consider myself "old'skool"..... I was born in 1980.... and while I was raised in this society many consider full of sex and "irresponsibility" towards marriage/relationships and while I may not be a religious person or believe in Marriage being what the Bible tells us it is...... In this "New" way of life and "New" society..... I have found my own meaning for what it is, and while I at one time questioned the purpose of marriage..... I have found a purpose for it in my life.
When societies change over time..... one has to seek out new meanings and values for the things in our lives. While my view on marriage and the reasons for one may not exactly match older reasons for what marriage means/is for (getting pregnant, expectations from family, pressure, obligations, etc. ~ Generally speaking) I still feel there is value for Marriage in this day & age.
So? And then after gov't gets to stick its nose into peoples marriages, then what? It sticks its nose into your bedroom, finances, lifestyle, etc.? In the meantime all these little places of interferences in people's personal lives cause gov't to get bigger and bigger. Brilliant. How much tax do you want to donate?
I think I'd prefer to let things be and continue to show people that if we work at it, we can make marriages work. If there are people around that don't take it seriously, so what? It's their loss.
the Church already controls their half of the marriages..
when a couple goes to the Justice of the Peace, they should give them a booklet and tell them "go do this first" then come back..
when a couple goes to the Justice of the Peace, they should give them a booklet and tell them "go do this first" then come back..
I wish for and hope for the best for you two, Bizzy.Love the post Praxius. I plan to get married in the winter. We have been together nearly a year now, and being older and wiser we did not enter into this lightly, but we know what we want and know that things will not be easy, but will be a great adventure. Marriage works when the two people want it to. The distance makes it a bit tough as I miss him dearly, but that is the good thing about frequent flyer miles.
basically what I'm saying is that people should not just be able to go get married on a whim and do whatever they like. since it's a legally bound contract once they sign the paperwork.. the Govt should be able to make it tougher for people to be able to sign that paperwork.
because if it takes a tonne of work and headaches to sign more paper work to break that paperwork that was done at the Wedding.. then why not make the same headaches for the Wedding Paperwork?
Does it? I still see Catholics getting divorced regardless of being excommunicated. I see protestants getting divorced and married to a different partner in the same same church as the first marriage.
I don't care how much effort you put into doing it, you can't legislate sense nor good, solid principles into people. Especially without expecting repercussions.
Last edited:
when you go to get married again, as a Catholic .. or whatever church. you are not able to unless you go and do some sort of routine.
because there's a rule or something about being married twice under the same faith.
I had a friend who's husband couldn't get married in the Catholic church system so they had to go do it under a different system in order to make it work.
due to the fact he was divorced.
Then people will just cohabit and say "screw marriage". Some people will still make partnership agreementss together. And nothing will change.
Catholics have to be recommunicated. Anyone else, all they need to do is go through the wedding ceremony again.
As far as I know, that's only Catholicism. The rest don't give a damn if you get married every year.
I already addressed this.
Either way, there's nothing saying a divorced and ex-communicated Catholic can't join anothewr church and get married again.
yeah I realize what you are saying.
but The only way these people who say "screw this" and go off and do some other new thing... will ever have it work is if the Govt accepts it and gives them the same rights as married couples have.
until then they won't be recognized,
but The only way these people who say "screw this" and go off and do some other new thing... will ever have it work is if the Govt accepts it and gives them the same rights as married couples have.
until then they won't be recognized,
huh? The gov't does recognize common-law-marriages.
http://www.cic.gc.ca/english/newcomers/before-marriage.asp
ya ok. but then that isn't new.. it's old hat.
I figured when you said new, you meant some new unheard of arrangement.
Just a question, and I hate to ask it because then I sound like a parent talking to someone who's not a parent..... but by chance are you married or plan on being married anytime soon?
A better question is why should everybody, including those who are going through marriage with the proper frame of mind and proper intentions, have to be put through the same crap as those who don't think it through and get married for poor reasons?
You're basically putting people through the process of a divorce (Paperwork and Bureaucratic BS) right from the start with the frame of mind that they're going to divorce anyways, basically punishing people for trying to seek a bond between themselves for the rest of their lives...... while somehow trying to protect the idiots in the world from their own mistakes before they make their own mistakes.
If a couple get married for dumb and short-sighted reasons and end up getting divorced a few years down the road, then they deserve the headaches, stress and legal mumbo jumbo for them not thinking ahead properly..... for those people, I have no sympathy and I see no reason why I or anybody else should have to go through the wringers to protect these idiots who think of marriage as something it's not.
If for some reason I end up facing a divorce later down the road, then so be it.... those are the consequences for my actions/decisions..... that is a risk I accepted when I chose to marry.
Here's another question for you:
If you some how implemented the above idea of testing and dragging people through various exams and reviews just to get married..... do you also expect to haul in all the already married couples through the same process to confirm their marriages are legit? If not, then how exactly is that fair to those couples now planning on marrying being put through some bureaucratic testing that billions of other people around the world never had to go through because they married before a particular date on the calender?
Not many married couples would subject themselves to such tests and would refuse to take the tests with some off chance these tests tell them they're not qualified for being married (even though they may have been married for years already)
And even if such a plan was introduced and somehow made law, with all the crap that you're suggesting people to go through would only result in a great number of people either legally fighting the justification for such a practice, or just not marrying at all and living as common law...... which to me seems like the underlining objective of such an idea..... to kill off marriages or make the % of those married so few that it might as well be dead.
The thing is, no amount of testing.... no amount of foresight from anybody, including those in question planning on marrying, can account for every single factor or incident that may arise in the future of one's relationship and even if your so-called test passed people and permitted them to marry, there would still be a good deal of divorces occurring.
What's more, once the tests are out there and a few people take them, the answers to such tests, the things people are looking for will be known, passed around and all people have to do is go through the generic process of this test, answer the questions with the right responses the tester is looking for and the test is not only passed, but it's also made pointless, a waste of time and a waste of money for everybody.
If your test is supposed to have some specialist review facial responses, tones of voice, how the couple responds to certain questions, etc.... then you have one person who claims to be some specialist on marriages subjectively passing and failing couples based on their personal views on what a marriage is or based on their personal views on how they would respond or react to those questions...... since everybody reacts, acts and responds to things differently from the next, this is not only an impossible method of testing.... it's also discriminatory and you can expect plenty of these specialists being sued.
wasn't suggesting tests, I was suggesting that they go through a Marriage preparation course that I know some churches have set up before a couple can get married.
no I am not at that point in my life.
Thanks AnnaG for the well wishes and thanks for the lovely story Praxius. I am very happy that your situation went well. Somethings are just meant to be no matter how ones meets a person. As I been told by people who have been married for over 50 yrs, many married after a short period of time or knowing eachother, but they made it a work in progress and they even say they continue to work even after 50, 60 and 70 yrs of marriage.
We both have been single for many years and meeting eachother even just on the phone and then in person, we knew that we were supposed to be together.
We both have been single for many years and meeting eachother even just on the phone and then in person, we knew that we were supposed to be together.