Atheist Jokes

[Dexter Sinister]

I've heard it said the visible lightning is the positive charge striking upward.

Yep, that's right. Or at least half right, I'm not sure what's positive and negative here, I'd have to look it up. I once spent a summer chasing thunderstorms, racing to get in front of them and set up some snazzy equipment to measure the electric fields between the clouds and the ground as the storms passed over us. I've seen high speed photography of lightning strikes, and what happens is that a small bolt from the cloud--called the leader--snakes down relatively slowly through the atmosphere to the ground, which creates an ionized channel in the air for the major bolt, of opposite polarity, to strike upwards from the ground to the cloud. Most lightning, fortunately, doesn't involve the ground, by far the majority of it is between charge separations in the clouds, a mechanism that is not well understood. I'm sure Darkbeaver would have something wrong to say about it. :smile:

I'll tell you something else too: I didn't know what it was to be really frightened until I saw a ground strike less than 50 feet from where I was. We were in hilly country near the Alberta foothills and had all been carefully instructed to set up the equipment in low spots and stay in the truck not touching any metal surface while the storm went by. I was a few seconds slow getting back into the truck one time, and a bolt struck a nearby high spot... Yikes! I'd felt all the hairs on my body stand up and had dropped flat to the ground beside the truck as I'd been trained to do when that happens, before the strike, and was untouched, but it was as close as I ever want to be to a lightning bolt.

Not particularly relevant to a thread about atheist jokes, unless you take the view that god was shooting for me and missed...

 

[Cliffy]

Not particularly relevant to a thread about atheist jokes, unless you take the view that god was shooting for me and missed...

Dexter,

"Imaginary Being Shoots Lightning Bolt at Young Scientist and Misses.
Incompetence is Suspected"

 

[pegger]

No it's not, it's forbidden by *your* understanding of *your* religion.

I agree -

While not an atheist joke - it's a quip I like:
On the 7th day - God said to Man - "I will give one final gift - Faith."
And Satan smiled and said "And I give you Religion."

 

[Dexter Sinister]

In the beginning God covered the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created ice cream and doughnuts.

And Satan said, "You want hot fudge with that?"

And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, I'll have another with sprinkles."

And lo they gained 10 pounds.

So God said, "Try my fresh green salad."

And Satan presented crumbled Bleu Cheese dressing and garlic toast on the side.

As Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast, God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to lightly saute the wholesome vegetables."

And Satan brought forth deep fried coconut shrimp, chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter and chocolate cheesecake for dessert.

And Man's glucose levels spiked through the roof.

God then brought forth running shoes so that his Children might lose those extra pounds.

And Satan came forth with cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels.

And man and woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretch jogging suits.

Then God brought forth lean meat so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.

And Satan created the 99-cent double cheeseburger and said, "You want fries with that?"

And Man replied, "Yes! And super size 'em!" And Man went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed, and He then created quadruple bypass surgery.

And then Satan created the health care system.

 

[Cannuck]

We were in hilly country near the Alberta foothills and had all been carefully instructed to set up the equipment in low spots and stay in the truck not touching any metal surface while the storm went by. I was a few seconds slow getting back into the truck one time, and a bolt struck a nearby high spot...

That's not surprising seeing as Alberta is God's Country and you have the habit of going on web forums and engaging in joke-telling about him. Consider yourself warned.

 

[Spade]

That's not surprising seeing as Alberta is God's Country and you have the habit of going on web forums and engaging in joke-telling about him. Consider yourself warned.

Yep, it's Gawd's Country, but you're welcome to visit. Do you have resident alien status?

 

[Cliffy]

Yep, it's Gawd's Country, but you're welcome to visit. Do you have resident alien status?

You have resident aliens in Alberta? Is Gawd one of them? The National Perspirer needs to know.

 

[Cliffy]

Oh, and in BC we have resident Albertans. Does that count? Klein sent them here a decade ago with a bus ticket instead of a Social Services cheque.

 

[Dexter Sinister]

That's not surprising seeing as Alberta is God's Country [not Wild Rose country?] and you have the habit of going on web forums and engaging in joke-telling about him. Consider yourself warned.

I wasn't doing that then though, there was no such thing as a web forum at the time, it was over 35 years ago. Could he possibly have known then, do you think? What amazing prescience.

 

[Cannuck]

I wasn't doing that then though, there was no such thing as a web forum at the time, it was over 35 years ago. Could he possibly have known then, do you think? What amazing prescience.

She is God. She knows everything that was, is and will ever be. She knew I was going to say that. She also knew that after I posted this I was going to go and make myself some lunch. She probably told me to make soup which is annoying because I really wanted a BLT. That the thing that pisses me off most about God. She never concerns herself with my wants and needs.

 

[Spade]

Oh, and in BC we have resident Albertans. Does that count? Klein sent them here a decade ago with a bus ticket instead of a Social Services cheque.

Klein sent a fifth column disguised as ne'erdowells into ABC (BC near the AB border; you know the region - the one that uses AB time) to promote the one-party system. How's it working out under Gordie Campbell?
PS
Gawd was born in Kananaskis Country.

 

[Spade]

She is God. She knows everything that was, is and will ever be.

Did she know that I intended to make fun of your post, but because you mentioned BLTs, I got hungry and signed off to make one for me and the mis'ess!

 

[Cliffy]

Klein sent a fifth column disguised as ne'erdowells into ABC (BC near the AB border; you know the region - the one that uses AB time) to promote the one-party system. How's it working out under Gordie Campbell?
PS
Gawd was born in Kananaskis Country.

Hopefully they will give Gordo the heave hoe in the next election. Too bad the NDPeep aren't much better. Thanks to Gordo we'll be in serious dept for the next 50 years or so. But him and his rich buddies will have one hell of a party next year at our expense.

 

[Vanni Fucci]

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. "What majestic trees!
What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. As he continued walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes.
Turning to look, he saw a 7 foot grizzly charging towards him. He ran as
fast as he could up the path. Looking over his shoulder he saw that the
bear was closing in on him. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear raising his paw to take a swipe
at him. At that instant the atheist cried out: "Oh my God...";
Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
It was then that a bright light shone upon the man and a voice came out of the sky saying: "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps, could you make the BEAR a Christian?"
"Very well," said the voice. The light went out. And the sounds of the forest resumed.
And then the bear lowered his paw, bowed his head and spoke: "Lord,bless this food which I am about to receive and for which I am truly
thankful. Amen."

 

[L Gilbert]

Hey, this thread is not a discussion about atheism, it is a thread for and about atheist jokes. Jeeeez.

 

[L Gilbert]

Hopefully they will give Gordo the heave hoe in the next election. Too bad the NDPeep aren't much better. Thanks to Gordo we'll be in serious dept for the next 50 years or so. But him and his rich buddies will have one hell of a party next year at our expense.

In debt for the next 50 years? You mean because of the Olympics that the Dippers pledged us into holding? Or do you mean besides the fact that every time the Dippers got in they doubled (approximately) the provincial debt? Anyway, what's this got to do with atheist jokes?

 

[tommys]

ok first of all WHY?
your religion says :"DO NOT judge "
yet you guys judge us why?
we are people (like you)
we are "gods creations" if that's what you want to call it

 

[YukonJack]

When I was young and and extremely naive (in certain respects, anyways) I was having a romp with a young lady, and she started screaming: "Oh Darwin! I'm comiiiing!", I thought she was a biologist.

Until I asked her to come to church with me.

 

[petros]

When I was young and and extremely naive.....

and now that you are old and naive?

 

[L Gilbert]

Jokes are good; no one dislikes jokes; but when some jokes includes some ridicule and mockery against God; it is forbidden by religion.
Only some jokes in the original topic are nice, but some jokes of some atheists are very bad. Not all the above jokes are quite funny.

God - be glorified - said in the Quran 9: 65
وَلَئِن سَأَلْتَهُمْ لَيَقُولُنَّ إِنَّمَا كُنَّا نَخُوضُ وَنَلْعَبُ قُلْ أَبِاللّهِ وَآيَاتِهِ وَرَسُولِهِ كُنتُمْ تَسْتَهْزِؤُونَ
The explanation:
( And if you [Mohammed] question them [about the reason for their laughing and mocking],

then assuredly they will say: "We were only discoursing [about the stories of the ancients], and making fun [with their stories.]"

Say: "What, then were you mocking God, and His revelations [of the Quran], and His messenger [Mohammed]?")

I say this and I am leaving this thread.

Stuff it, you humorless parrot.