Atheist Jokes
- Thread starter Cannuck
- Start date
lmao Isn't that a bit of an oxymoron? Resident alien? Kinda like saying "native foreigner".
How many atheists does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to actually change the bulb, and the other to videotape the job so fundies won’t claim that god did it.
Two. One to actually change the bulb, and the other to videotape the job so fundies won’t claim that god did it.
There was a Christian lady who lived next door to an atheist. Every day, when the lady prayed, the atheist guy could hear her. He thought to himself, "She sure is crazy, praying all the time like that. Doesn't she know there isn't a God?"
Many times while she was praying, he would go to her house and harass her, saying "Lady, why do you pray all the time? Don't you know there is no God?" But she kept on praying.
One day, she ran out of groceries. As usual, she was praying to the Lord explaining her situation and thanking Him for what He was gonna do. As usual, the atheist heard her praying and thought to himself, "Humph! I'll fix her."
He went to the grocery store, bought a whole bunch of groceries, took them to her house, dropped them off on the front porch, rang the door bell and then hid in the bushes to see what she would do. When she opened the door and saw the groceries, she began to praise the Lord with all her heart, jumping, singing and shouting everywhere! The atheist then jumped out of the bushes and told her, "You ol' crazy lady, God didn't buy you those groceries, I bought those groceries!" At hearing this, she broke out and started running down the street, shouting and praising the Lord.
When he finally caught her, he asked what her problem was. She said, "I knew the Lord would provide me with some groceries, but I didn't know he was gonna make the devil pay for them!"
Many times while she was praying, he would go to her house and harass her, saying "Lady, why do you pray all the time? Don't you know there is no God?" But she kept on praying.
One day, she ran out of groceries. As usual, she was praying to the Lord explaining her situation and thanking Him for what He was gonna do. As usual, the atheist heard her praying and thought to himself, "Humph! I'll fix her."
He went to the grocery store, bought a whole bunch of groceries, took them to her house, dropped them off on the front porch, rang the door bell and then hid in the bushes to see what she would do. When she opened the door and saw the groceries, she began to praise the Lord with all her heart, jumping, singing and shouting everywhere! The atheist then jumped out of the bushes and told her, "You ol' crazy lady, God didn't buy you those groceries, I bought those groceries!" At hearing this, she broke out and started running down the street, shouting and praising the Lord.
When he finally caught her, he asked what her problem was. She said, "I knew the Lord would provide me with some groceries, but I didn't know he was gonna make the devil pay for them!"
An atheist was rowing at the lake, when suddenly the Loch Ness monster attacked and grabbed him from his boat. He panicked and shouted "God help me!", and suddenly, the monster and everything around him just stopped.
A voice from the heavens boomed "You say you dont believe in me, but now you are asking for my help?"
The atheist looked up and said: Well, ten seconds ago I didnt believe in the Loch Ness Monster either!
A voice from the heavens boomed "You say you dont believe in me, but now you are asking for my help?"
The atheist looked up and said: Well, ten seconds ago I didnt believe in the Loch Ness Monster either!
Taoism
**** happens.
Buddhism
If **** happens, it's not really ****.
Islam
If **** happens, it's the will of Allah.
Protestantism
**** happens because you don't work hard enough.
Judaism
Why does this **** always happen to us?
Hinduism
This **** happened before.
Catholicism
**** happens because you're bad.
Hare Krishna
**** happens rama rama.
T.V. Evangelism
Send more ****.
Atheism
No ****.
Jehova's Witness
Knock knock, **** happens.
Hedonism
There's nothing like a good ****
happening.
Christian Science
**** happens in your mind.
Agnosticism
Maybe **** happens, maybe it
doesn't.
Rastafarianism
Let's smoke this ****.
Existentialism
What is **** anyway?
Stoicism
This **** doesn't bother me.
**** happens.
Buddhism
If **** happens, it's not really ****.
Islam
If **** happens, it's the will of Allah.
Protestantism
**** happens because you don't work hard enough.
Judaism
Why does this **** always happen to us?
Hinduism
This **** happened before.
Catholicism
**** happens because you're bad.
Hare Krishna
**** happens rama rama.
T.V. Evangelism
Send more ****.
Atheism
No ****.
Jehova's Witness
Knock knock, **** happens.
Hedonism
There's nothing like a good ****
happening.
Christian Science
**** happens in your mind.
Agnosticism
Maybe **** happens, maybe it
doesn't.
Rastafarianism
Let's smoke this ****.
Existentialism
What is **** anyway?
Stoicism
This **** doesn't bother me.
I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said, "Stop! Don't do it!" "Why shouldn't I?" he said. I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!" He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, are you religious or atheist?" He said, "Religious." I said, "Me too! Are your Christian or Buddhist?" He said, "Christian." I said, "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?" He said, "Protestant." I said, Me too! Are your Episcopalian or Baptist? He said, "Baptist!" I said, "Wow! Me too! Are your Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord? He said, Baptist Church of God!" I said, "Me too! Are your Original Baptist Church of God or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God!" I said, "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915!" I said, "Die, heretic scum!" and pushed him off.
A man sees a boy with a box of kittens
the man goes over and says "oh what cute kittens!" the boy replies "yes they are Christian kittens". About a week later the man sees the boy again with the same batch of kittens. once again he walks over and says "my, those are just adorable!" the boy replies "yes, they are atheist kittens" the man asks "wait, weren't they christian before?" the boy looks at the man and says " yeah but they have their eyes open now"
the man goes over and says "oh what cute kittens!" the boy replies "yes they are Christian kittens". About a week later the man sees the boy again with the same batch of kittens. once again he walks over and says "my, those are just adorable!" the boy replies "yes, they are atheist kittens" the man asks "wait, weren't they christian before?" the boy looks at the man and says " yeah but they have their eyes open now"
Q: How many atheists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They have already seen the light.
Q: Why did the atheist cross the road?
A: He thought there was a sidewalk on the other side, but he wouldn't believe it until he tested his hypothesis.
______________
A: None. They have already seen the light.
Q: Why did the atheist cross the road?
A: He thought there was a sidewalk on the other side, but he wouldn't believe it until he tested his hypothesis.
______________
To all you christians or non atheist out there get your head out of your ass, your drowning yourself in self created ignorance, as stated before you are offended by haveing your "faith" challenged because you fear your pre-existing doubt. how about you go and do some research on the origin history and over all credibility of your religion or you can live your one and only life in a shroud of ignorance and stupidity
The Three and the Mountain
There were three men. A Native American, a Japanese man, and a White man. None of them believed in God. They went up to the top of the mountain and said, "If God exsists, he'll turn me into whatever I say when I jump off." The Native American went first. He ran, jumped and said, "Bird;" he turned into a bird and flew away! The Japanese man said,"It worked for him so it'll work for me!" So he ran, jumped and said, "A bee." He turned into a bee and flew away. The last man looked around in amazement saying, "It worked for both of them!" So he ran toward the edge, but tripped and shouted, "OH ****!"
There were three men. A Native American, a Japanese man, and a White man. None of them believed in God. They went up to the top of the mountain and said, "If God exsists, he'll turn me into whatever I say when I jump off." The Native American went first. He ran, jumped and said, "Bird;" he turned into a bird and flew away! The Japanese man said,"It worked for him so it'll work for me!" So he ran, jumped and said, "A bee." He turned into a bee and flew away. The last man looked around in amazement saying, "It worked for both of them!" So he ran toward the edge, but tripped and shouted, "OH ****!"
