You're Not One Of Those Couples Who Secretly Videotape Their Nanny, Are You?
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Both my parents worked. Even though the mill closed and the trains stopped running, the bills kept coming and the mortgage had to be paid. There were five of us (kids) and we could be trusted to be home alone for a few hours.
Nannycam would have stirred up some nasty questions....
Nannycam would have stirred up some nasty questions....
*personal details and a long rant follow, fair warning*
High road?
Well, I'm no longer engaged. My fiance left me last week, after 4.5 years. She had cheated on me this past summer. I only found out because I was suspicious, and one day she left her laptop open and I checked her Facebook messages with the guy I suspected she was cheating on me with. It was horrible. Not only had she cheated on me when she went back to NS during her summer break, but she had cheated on me right in our own house, while I was upstairs.
Foolishly, I tried to take the high road, and after confronting her about the incident, and her lies, I was willing to work on our fractured relationship. That was the beginning of September 2011. We had what I thought was a great conversation, where we discussed the kinds of things we needed in our relationship. But a disturbing and familiar pattern emerged. She didn't seem to be reciprocating in the effort department as the months marched on. As Christmas neared, she made a new friend who she was very chatty with. Going on drives with him, and texting him, and I began to get frustrated and angry. Two months back, I asked her if there was anything going on that she wanted to talk to me about. She got very defensive, and said that this guy was just a friend, who was dealing with very similar issues. Depression, abuse during their childhood, anxiety, etc.
So I backed off. Then one day she walks past me and all I can smell is a strange cologne. My face must have looked terrifying because the rage I felt was immense. She got mad at me for accusing her of infidelity, and explained that she had hugged him because his girlfriend was abusing him again. I didn't buy that.
Now all along I haven't told any of our mutual friends what had happened, because I didn't want to poison the well while trying to rebuild my relationship with Jamie. At this point, I am running very low on giving a $hit. We were over at a friends place, and when she leaned into my chest, facing away from me, her hat was right under my nose. That smell filled my nostrils again. Again, I got the rage and walked away. Our friend who saw this said I looked terrifying. Jamie and I went home, and she was pissed. She ended up crying all night saying that my accusations were tearing her apart. I explained that I was frustrated with the one-sided effort to work on things, and that she had done nothing to help me with my trust issues that developed 6 months back. She ended up failing her mid-term at vet school the next day.
So me still being suspicious, and wanting validation, I bought a mini camera, like those used to spy on nannies. She breaks up with me while the camera is in the car. Then starts saying things like maybe if she works on her anxiety, and it gets better, that we can start dating again. Turns out I was right all along. She likes this new guy, and I have her on camera kissing him good bye. She already had an apartment lined up, and there is 9 month left on my lease of the house we're living in.
Today, I told our mutual friend, who is actually her best friend, the whole story. She doesn't know what to say, she's practically crying.
Jamie called about an hour ago, and said she misses me now...I imagine she will be thinking that lots over the next few months, as she begins to realize all the things I did to help her, to keep a home for her while she's in a difficult program, and when she realizes that the new alcoholic she's with is not giving her the help she desperately needs. She refuses to go to therapy sessions, for both couples and for her anxiety.
In the end, I don't give a $hit about the high road. My BS detector has been 100% validated time and time again. Though I feel like quite the fool, I realize now it's for the best.
Sorry for the long rant, but after getting it off my chest this morning on the way to work, I feel much better by venting all this frustration, and anger. In the end, I'm sad for her.
Hope venting helped. 
Think it'll be better in the long run, from the sounds of things.
Hope you're feeling better soon.
Think it'll be better in the long run, from the sounds of things.
Hope you're feeling better soon.
Sorry for your loss but congrats for being free of her. Once you have lost the trust, it is gone and she doesn't sound particularly trustworthy to start with.
Part one....
...if you are placing your child in a situation that you do not trust, a camera is insufficient. The beating has already taken place once you catch it on camera. Or, in the worst case scenario, the child is just as dead if it's on videotape or not. Never, ever, put your child in a situation you can not, do not, trust. A video camera is a symptom of not trusting the situation. Think long and hard if you ever feel the need to use it.
Part two....
...Tonington, I am so sorry to hear what you're going through. I don't know many people who haven't felt the pang of suspicion and the heartache of being proven right. The drama of infatuation is a very powerful force and has tainted nearly every relationship at some time, even if it hasn't been acted on. We're all here.... vent away.
...if you are placing your child in a situation that you do not trust, a camera is insufficient. The beating has already taken place once you catch it on camera. Or, in the worst case scenario, the child is just as dead if it's on videotape or not. Never, ever, put your child in a situation you can not, do not, trust. A video camera is a symptom of not trusting the situation. Think long and hard if you ever feel the need to use it.
Part two....
...Tonington, I am so sorry to hear what you're going through. I don't know many people who haven't felt the pang of suspicion and the heartache of being proven right. The drama of infatuation is a very powerful force and has tainted nearly every relationship at some time, even if it hasn't been acted on. We're all here.... vent away.
Ton: Kudos for trying. Walking away is the easy out - and the one most often taken in a throw-away society. Forgiving is pretty easy too if you're not prone to carrying grudges. Forgetting isn't so easy. All the best to you both
And this is the third time I've flet the sting. Pretty crappy feeling. Now I have to rebuild some self-esteem...but at the least I can be thankful that it won't be dependent on someone else.
And see that's the part that has me worried...she's not been getting better with just the pharmacology, and I don't wish any harm to her. She has deep issues, and she needs to address them with supplemental therapies to go with her medication. Recently she's even been on the verge of doing harm to herself. Started cutting herself even, and thoughts of ending her life.
It's all fudged up...
And see that's the part that has me worried...she's not been getting better with just the pharmacology, and I don't wish any harm to her. She has deep issues, and she needs to address them with supplemental therapies to go with her medication. Recently she's even been on the verge of doing harm to herself. Started cutting herself even, and thoughts of ending her life.
It's all fudged up...
Well, having walked away as a lover perhaps it will give you an ability to help on a human level without the same risk to yourself.
It's crucial to set limits for your own sanity and health when dealing with someone in a downward spiral. The fact that you've done that says a lot about who you are T. Her actions tell about her, not you. Your actions are the ones you need to base your self esteem on.
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Self-esteem should never be dependent on someone else. You've already recognized your own value and worth by not not allowing yourself to be treated in a disrepectful manner. The rest is just time.
Believe me. I've been there.
As your value is not vested with another person, neither is hers. You cannot hold yourself responsible for her choices. There really is only so much you can do. Encourage her as much as possible to seek the help she needs, but you cannot provide it. If you could have, it would have worked already.
I hope she gets the help she needs but honestly you're not responsible for her choices. I hope you're not feeling pressured into thinking you are.
Just a nickles worth of unsolicited free advice.
Sometimes it sucks that feelings don't come with an on/off switch. You can be the shoulder but you can't be the fix. She'll have to do that part herself.
I told my last ex that I loved her but I had to love myself more and I didn't like the person I had to become to keep her happy so I think it's time for her to leave.
The good news is it gets easier. After somewhere around sixteen tries, I've learned it's the bad news too.
Yeah, that sums it up pretty well. Just recently I read a paper about the damage a guy like me could do to my heart doing just what you say above. I just wish her well is all. I mean the one sided view I just presented isn't really an accurate view of her as a whole, though it should be a warning to the guy she's been messing with.
Its hard but you need to avoid being co-dependent in her problems. And until one addresses ones own issues, one shouldn't be in a relationship which may be conceived partly as a way to remedy those same issues (not saying yours was or was not this case but in a lot of cases it is).
Just my 2 cents given in the internet school of relationship help.
She doesn't want you to be part of her life, so don't let yourself get sucked in.
She wants to do her own thing, so let her. That phase of your life is over.
If you get sucked into her sordid personal drama, you're letting her control you.
In the end it's your decision, but you'd hardly be a good partner for some other woman if you let Jamie's drama interfere. Cut her loose, let her go, she has made her decisions, and it's up to her to live with them.
Of course you wish her well. Trust is a thing broken very easily, but emotional ties are not. They need time to fall into the proper perspective.
I'm sure that she has many lovely qualities, lol. I'm not trying to judge her, don't think that. But if you're emotionally raw right now, which of course you would be, you really can't be much real help to her. Sometimes the compulsion to 'take care' of someone that we've always taken care of can be a bit overwhelming. But in the end, it doesn't really help. At least, I don't think so. Not when the core problem remains.
