Alberta joke FWD

steve_american

steve_american

New Member
Apr 19, 2009
17
0
1
Cowtown
My friend in Vancouver forwarded this joke to me about living in Alberta:

1. Bring your own house.

2. If you are going to the Oil Sands, bring your own house, school, and hospital.

3. If you are going to Edmonton, wear your flak jacket. This is the murder capital of Canada.

4. If you are driving to Edmonton, note that it is also the auto theft center ofCanada.

5. If you are bringing drugs, head straight to Fort McMurray, the drug capital of Canada.
6. If you are looking for work, look no further. Minimum wage is $5.60 per hour.

7. If you work downtown, note that parking costs $5.00 per hour or more.

8. If you are able to buy a house in Edmonton or Calgary, why not spend the money on a 15 year holiday instead.

9. If you drive a Hummer, look out. Alberta has the highest gas prices in Canada[The Alberta Advantage].

10. In Edmonton we have 5 hospitals. 10 years ago we had 7. Don't come here sick.

11. In Calgary the population has exploded. The last road was paved 12 years ago. Calgary is a no parking zone.

12. Remember when Roy Rogers etc. were beating the Indians? Well it's payback time. They own all the Casinos here.

NEW CALGARY RULES OF THE ROAD:

1. You must first learn to pronounce the name correctly -- it is: 'CAL-GREE'. The second 'A' is redundant.

2. The morning rush hour is from 5:00am to noon. The evening rush hour is from noon to 8:00pm. Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning and ends on Saturday night.

3. The minimum acceptable speed on most freeways is 130 kph. On the Deerfoot 500, you are expected to match the speed of the airplanes coming in for a landing at the airport. Anything less is considered 'Wussy'.

4. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Calgary now has its own version of traffic rules. For example, cars/trucks with the loudest muffler go first at a four-way stop; the trucks with the biggest tires go second.

However, in Calgary, SUV-driving, cell phone-talking moms ALWAYS have the right of way.

5. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out, and possibly shot.

6. Never honk at anyone. Ever. Seriously. It's another offense that can get you shot.

7. Road construction is permanent and continuous in Calgary ...... Detour barrels are moved around each night to make the next day's driving a bit more exciting, but nothing ever gets finished, and more new construction starts everyday.

8. Watch carefully for road hazards such as drunks, skunks, dogs, cats, deer, barrels, cones, cows, horses, cats, mattresses, shredded tires, garbage, squirrels, rabbits, crows, and coyotes feeding on any of these items.

9. In Calgary , 16th Avenue , TransCanada, and 'Hwy #1' are all the same road.

10. If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave them to the shoulder immediately to let them know it has been 'accidentally activated.'

11. If you are in the left lane and only driving 110 in a 80-90 kph zone, you are considered a road hazard and will be 'flipped off' accordingly.

If you return the flip, you will be shot.

12. For winter driving, it is advisable to wear your parka, toque, fur lined mittens and mukluks. Make sure you have a shovel, food, candles and blankets in the vehicle, as snow removal from the city streets is virtually non-existent until the spring thaw.

To which I replied:

Winnipeg is the auto-theft and murder capital of Canada, Vancouver has higher living costs than anywhere in Alberta, and it's also the drug capital of Canada. Gas prices are more expensive in BC than Alberta as oil is refined right here in Edmonton.

Get your facts straight before you come to the stampede hippie.

---
I think all of that is false except for maybe Calgary driving and snow conditions.. Fort McMurray, 16th Ave, and Edmonton being a dump. Oh.. and parking in downtown Calgree really does cost that much.

What do you think?
 
petros

petros

The Central Scrutinizer
Nov 21, 2008
117,293
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Low Earth Orbit
What do you think?

Quite a bit is more accurate than you are willing to admit.

You must have been passed by at least ONE combine while travelling 130km/h on Hwy 2 and had the pilot flip you the bird.

Oh and what's with the hub caps for belt buckles? I've always found that bizarre.
 
JLM

JLM

Hall of Fame Member
Nov 27, 2008
75,301
548
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Vernon, B.C.
"10. If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave them to the shoulder immediately to let them know it has been 'accidentally activated.'"

10a. Don't ever attempt to change lanes in Calgary, its' just not worth your life.
 
#juan

#juan

Hall of Fame Member
Aug 30, 2005
18,326
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We went to Calgary last year. My nephew picked us up at the airport. He drives a four door F-350 pickup. He actually drove over a hundred and forty kph on one of the expressways. The frightening thing was that everybody was going that fast.....But in a bloody pick-up truck....I was glad to leave that city.
 
Ron in Regina

Ron in Regina

"Voice of the West" Party
Apr 9, 2008
29,076
10,993
113
Regina, Saskatchewan
My visit ta Home Depot

I went to the Home Depot recently while not
being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one.

You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed
a massive quantity of my patented 'you're definitely
going to s**t yourself' roadkill chili. Tasty stuff,
albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written
guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of
your butt cheeks WILL fall off.

Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even
after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean)
nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement 2'.
Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through
my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual
morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and
lightning'.

Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not
sure of just when, I bravely set off for the Depot, my
quest being paint and supplies to refinish the den.

Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal.

I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping
items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite
end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me.

Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking
about. I'm referring to that 'Uh, Oh, S**t, gotta go' pain
that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is,
this pain was different.

The habaneros in the chili from the night
before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they
bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their
way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step
in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet
relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.

There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly
enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never
before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that
more of this vile odor might escape me.

Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to
leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the
aisle and out of it, just as an red aproned clerk turned
the corner and asked if I needed any help.

I don't know what made me do it, but I
stopped to see what his reaction would be to the malodorous
effluvium that refused to dissipate. Have you ever been
torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's
what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able
to relate.

I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply
watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently
indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all he could do
before gathering his senses and running, was to stand
there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though
trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel
terrible, but then made me laugh..

........BIG mistake!!!!!

Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things
'clamped down', if you know what I mean.

With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from
my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was
later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing
that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.

Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and
I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying
down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it
before the grand mal assplosion took place.

Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the
john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the
toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One
poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the
true meaning of 'Shock and Awe' . He made a gagging
sound, and disgustedly said, 'Sonofa*****!, did it smell that
bad when you ate it?', then quickly left.

Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially
filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a
store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want
to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster
set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to
run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought
to take care of the problem.'

My smirking of course set me off again,
causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff,
jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and,
pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!',
then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I
was unceremoniously escorted from the premises
and asked none too kindly not to return.

Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was
nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more
bowls. The next day I went to shop at Lowe's. I can't say
anymore about that because we are in court over the whole
matter.
 
Lou Garu

Lou Garu

Electoral Member
Sep 7, 2009
302
4
18
Here
Ron of Regina, wicked , WICKED story.
Shoulda come with a "don't read unprepared " warning.
helluva thing to read first thing in the morning.

can I copy the story ?
 
Ron in Regina

Ron in Regina

"Voice of the West" Party
Apr 9, 2008
29,076
10,993
113
Regina, Saskatchewan
Lou Garu said:
Ron of Regina, wicked , WICKED story.
Shoulda come with a "don't read unprepared " warning.
helluva thing to read first thing in the morning.

can I copy the story ?
Click to expand...


Go ahead Man. It's out in the Public Domain. I "copy&pasted" it myself from an Email.;-) :lol::lol::lol:
________________________________

Stephen Colbert urged to turn Alberta in Colberta
Calgary Herald September 10, 2009
Source: Stephen Colbert urged to turn Alberta in Colberta

CALGARY — Stephen Colbert, your kingdom awaits — and it's in Canada.




A Toronto man has started an online campaign urging that the province of Alberta be
turned into Colberta Nation.


In the world according to Colberta.com, it would be out with Alberta Premier Ed
Stelmach and in with Colbert, the satirical TV show host, who would become a kind of
non-aligned provincial leader for life.


"It is time for The Colbert Nation to rise up and request . . . no, demand, that the
province of Alberta be turned over to the leadership of Colbert, who can rule the new
state of Colberta with an iron fist, an unyielding gut, and balls of steel," says the
website, which also includes a number of Colb-mandments (Article Five: "Nickelback
has got to go. We hear Saskatchewan may be interested.")


The Colberta Nation, at this stage of the game, is actually a one-man movement: 23-
year-old aspiring writer Dan Zinman.


He is holding off on contacting Colbert himself until he has some actual Albertans
behind his scheme. You see, there's one catch: Zinman is from Toronto. He has never
actually been to Alberta.


"The Twitter page is starting to pick up some steam," says Zinman. "A lot of people
seem to be responding from Calgary and Edmonton and even Lethbridge, Medicine
Hat. There's some buzz around. People like it. It's starting to get around."

© Copyright (c) Canwest News Service :lol:
____________________________________
 
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