This should be fun. The wacko right has decided that the International Communist Chinese Trans Mafia is out to traumatize and victimize decent, honest, Canadian kids who would grow up to be decent, honest, Gawd-fearin' Canadian Conservatives except that their lives were derailed into lust and EEE-vil by seeing a "woman" pull "her" dick out in a public washroom. Apparently this phenomenon is so powerful that a single incidence can corrupt a child for life.
So. . . a les barricades, mes amis! We MUST take immediate action, at whatever cost, to SAVE THE DECENT, HONEST, GAWD-FEARIN', CANADIAN KIDS!
It's already a crime to flash yer dick at a little kid, but clearly more is needed, else the decent, honest, Gawd-fearin', hard-workin', Canadian Conservatives (hereafter DHG-FH-WCCs) wouldn't be so bent outta shape about it. So. . . here's the master plan:
1. Make it illegal to go into a public washroom designated for the opposite sex as of birth. To the best of my knowledge, simply going into a washroom designated for the opposite is not currently a crime. Of course, you'll end up imprisoning some DHG-FH-WCC women who, upon seeing the kilometer-long (0.61 mi) queue outside the women's washroom, pressed by urgent need or just tired of the shit, said "fuck it" and went into the men's, but that's a price we're willing to pay to PROTECT THE DHG-FH-WCC KIDS! Hermaphrodites and persons who have undergone sexual reassignment can just Gawddam well hold it until they get home!
2. Obviously, enforcement now becomes an issue. It wouldn't be if the DHG-FH-WCCs were just using this as a throwaway culture-wars hissy fit, but DHG-FH-WCCs would NEVER do something so dishonest! It's right there on the label! So we must now consider how to enforce this new law to PROTECT THE DHG-FH-WCC KIDS!
Option 1: Burden an already overworked, under-strength, underfunded policing apparatus with yet another stupid task. Who cares how many rapists, drug dealers, robbers, and murderers get away? We're PROTECTING THE DHG-FH-WCC KIDS here! Where's your sense of priorities?
Option 2: Create a new government agency. Call it the Penis Patrol, or the Ministry of Dick Detection, then change it to Dicks Canada. Fund it with billions of additional debt (mustn't raise taxes, now! We're DHG-FH-WCCs, and we don't do that!) and station Dick Detectives outside every public washroom from St. John's to Rampart House, with full authority to require any and all persons desiring to enter the washrooms to drop trou or up skirt/down knickers and PROVE they are equipped as Gawd intended! Write exceptions to the "probable cause" requirement and allow the Dick Detectives to take dickhead/labia prints for comparison to the dickhead/labia prints of known perverts. Of course, the Dick Detectives will have to be well-compensated civil servants with generous pensions and excellent benefits, and unionized, and if they go on strike, all public washrooms will need to be locked down for the duration. And it must be everybody that gets Dick Detected, otherwise we'll offend the girly men and fine, strapping women who are insulted and offended if we give the Dick Detectives discretion to check or not check. Treaty negotiations with the FNs have to begin immediately.
We realize this would be expensive, infuriating, corrupting to the laws of Canada and the rights of Canadians, and likely to get some Dick Detectives beaten up or shot, but we absolutely MUST PROTECT THE DHG-FH-WCC KIDS!
Unless, of course, we're just pissing and moaning over the latest culture-war whine.
So. . . a les barricades, mes amis! We MUST take immediate action, at whatever cost, to SAVE THE DECENT, HONEST, GAWD-FEARIN', CANADIAN KIDS!
It's already a crime to flash yer dick at a little kid, but clearly more is needed, else the decent, honest, Gawd-fearin', hard-workin', Canadian Conservatives (hereafter DHG-FH-WCCs) wouldn't be so bent outta shape about it. So. . . here's the master plan:
1. Make it illegal to go into a public washroom designated for the opposite sex as of birth. To the best of my knowledge, simply going into a washroom designated for the opposite is not currently a crime. Of course, you'll end up imprisoning some DHG-FH-WCC women who, upon seeing the kilometer-long (0.61 mi) queue outside the women's washroom, pressed by urgent need or just tired of the shit, said "fuck it" and went into the men's, but that's a price we're willing to pay to PROTECT THE DHG-FH-WCC KIDS! Hermaphrodites and persons who have undergone sexual reassignment can just Gawddam well hold it until they get home!
2. Obviously, enforcement now becomes an issue. It wouldn't be if the DHG-FH-WCCs were just using this as a throwaway culture-wars hissy fit, but DHG-FH-WCCs would NEVER do something so dishonest! It's right there on the label! So we must now consider how to enforce this new law to PROTECT THE DHG-FH-WCC KIDS!
Option 1: Burden an already overworked, under-strength, underfunded policing apparatus with yet another stupid task. Who cares how many rapists, drug dealers, robbers, and murderers get away? We're PROTECTING THE DHG-FH-WCC KIDS here! Where's your sense of priorities?
Option 2: Create a new government agency. Call it the Penis Patrol, or the Ministry of Dick Detection, then change it to Dicks Canada. Fund it with billions of additional debt (mustn't raise taxes, now! We're DHG-FH-WCCs, and we don't do that!) and station Dick Detectives outside every public washroom from St. John's to Rampart House, with full authority to require any and all persons desiring to enter the washrooms to drop trou or up skirt/down knickers and PROVE they are equipped as Gawd intended! Write exceptions to the "probable cause" requirement and allow the Dick Detectives to take dickhead/labia prints for comparison to the dickhead/labia prints of known perverts. Of course, the Dick Detectives will have to be well-compensated civil servants with generous pensions and excellent benefits, and unionized, and if they go on strike, all public washrooms will need to be locked down for the duration. And it must be everybody that gets Dick Detected, otherwise we'll offend the girly men and fine, strapping women who are insulted and offended if we give the Dick Detectives discretion to check or not check. Treaty negotiations with the FNs have to begin immediately.
We realize this would be expensive, infuriating, corrupting to the laws of Canada and the rights of Canadians, and likely to get some Dick Detectives beaten up or shot, but we absolutely MUST PROTECT THE DHG-FH-WCC KIDS!
Unless, of course, we're just pissing and moaning over the latest culture-war whine.
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