Favorite quotes

[Blackleaf]

Monty Python

THE LIFE OF BRIAN

Pontius Pilate: 'I will not have my fwends widiculed by the common soldiewy. Anybody else feel like a little... giggle... when I mention my fwiend... Biggus...'
[A guard sn iggers]
Pontius Pilate: '...Dickus?'
[More sn iggering]
Pontius Pilate: 'What about you? Do you find it... wisible... when I say the name... Biggus...'
[Sn iggering]
Pontius Pilate: '...Dickus?'
[Both guards sn iggers]
Pontius Pilate: 'He has a wife, you know. You know what she's called? She's called... Incontinentia... Incontinentia Buttocks.'

THE ALL-ENGLAND SUMMARIZE PROUST COMPETITION

'Well ladies and gentlemen, I don't think any of our contestants this evening have succeeded in encapsulating the intricacies of Proust's masterwork, so I'm going to award the first prize this evening to the girl with the biggest t*ts.'

CHEESE SHOP

Customer: 'Not much of a cheese shop really, is it?'
Shopkeeper: 'Finest in the district, sir.'
Customer: 'And what leads you to that conclusion?'
Shopkeeper: 'Well, it's so clean.'
Customer: 'It's certainly uncontaminated by cheese.'

THE LIFE OF BRIAN

Brian’s mother: 'Now, you listen here! He's not the Messiah. He's a very naughty boy!'

MONTY PYTHON AND THE HOLY GRAIL


King Arthur: 'Look, you stupid bastard. You've got no arms left.'
Black Knight: 'Yes I have.'
King Arthur: 'Look!'
Black Knight: 'It's just a flesh wound.'

THE DEAD PARROT

Mr Praline: 'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! This parrot is no more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! 'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed 'im to the perch 'e'd be pushing up the daisies! 'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's off the twig! 'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisible!! THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!!'

THE LIFE OF BRIAN

Mattias: 'Look, I had a lovely supper, and I all I said to my wife was that that piece of halibut was good enough for Jehovah.'
Angry mob: 'Ooooh!'
Official: 'Blasphemy! He said it again!'

ODE TO HENRY KISSINGER

Henry Kissinger, I've been missin' yer
You're the doctor of my dreams
With your crinkly hair and your glassy stare
And your Machiavellian schemes

All right, so people say that you don't care
But you've got nicer legs than Hitler and bigger tits than Cher
Henry Kissinger, how I'm missin' yer
And wishing you were here

THE MINISTRY OF SILLY WALKS

'I’m sorry to have kept you waiting, but I’m afraid my walk has become rather sillier recently.'

MONTY PYTHON AND THE HOLY GRAIL

Dennis: Listen, strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.
King Arthur: Be quiet!
Dennis: Well you can't expect to wield supreme executive power just because some watery tart threw a sword at you.

THE SPANISH INQUISITION

Ximinez: 'Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition! Our chief weapon is surprise... surprise and fear... fear and surprise... our two weapons are fear and surprise... and ruthless efficiency... Our three weapons are fear, surprise, and ruthless efficiency... and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope... Our four... no... amongst our weapons.... amongst our weaponry...are such elements as fear, surprise.... I'll come in again.'

MONTY PYTHON AND THE HOLY GRAIL

Father of the groom, after the wedding massacre: 'Please, this is supposed to be a happy occasion. Let’s not bicker and argue over who killed who.'

THE LIFE OF BRIAN

Brian: 'I'm not the Messiah! Will you please listen? I am not the Messiah, do you understand? Honestly!'
Girl: 'Only the true Messiah denies His divinity.'
Brian: 'What? Well, what sort of chance does that give me? All right! I am the Messiah!'
Followers: 'He is! He is the Messiah!'
Brian: 'Now, f--- off!'
[Silence]
Arthur: 'How shall we f--- off, O Lord?'

This being a quotes thread and all, here's one that's dead on for you, Blackleaf.

"You are in more dire need of a blowjob than any white man in history."

--Robin Williams, Good Morning Vietnam

Well, I'm still right. The education system in the Western world today is deliberately skewed in favour of girls and is putting boys at a disadvantage. The ONLY reason why girls are outperforming boys (in Western schools) is because the girls are mollycoddled by a feminised education system. It's noticeable how in the last few years when certain areas of education in Britain have been less feminised and made more of a level playing field for both boys and girls (i.e. coursework, which suits girls but not boys, is taken away) that the boys start to close the gap with girls, and even start to outperform them in some subjects like maths. Girls will cease to outperform boys in education when boys also start being taught according to their needs, rather than just merely taught according to girls' needs as is the case now. When that happens boys - more intelligent and brighter on average than girls - will suddenly soar ahead leaving the girls in their wake.

On average, males are more intelligent than, and have larger brains than, females; Far-Eastern Asians, like the Japs and South Koreans, are more intelligent (but only marginally so) than whites; and both of these groups are more intellligent than, and have larger brains, than blacks.

 

[JLM]

On average, males are more intelligent than, and have larger brains than, females; Far-Eastern Asians, like the Japs and South Koreans, are more intelligent (but only marginally so) than whites; and both of these groups are more intellligent than, and have larger brains, than blacks.[/QUOTE]

Methinks that's a lot of B.S. Years ago I read that all races are equally intelligent, so unless things have changed it's still the case.

 

[Twila]

On average, males are more intelligent than, and have larger brains than, females; Far-Eastern Asians, like the Japs and South Koreans, are more intelligent (but only marginally so) than whites; and both of these groups are more intellligent than, and have larger brains, than blacks.

Methinks that's a lot of B.S. Years ago I read that all races are equally intelligent, so unless things have changed it's still the case.

JLM, you'd have more success attempting to discuss ideas with someone who doesn't even speak english and leave this poster to wonder in his defunct brain alone. BL's either a real dumb arsehole or he's pulling everyones' leg. Either way, you will learn nothing useful from conversing with him and you're just feeding his ego.

 

[JLM]

JLM, you'd have more success attempting to discuss ideas with someone who doesn't even speak english and leave this poster to wonder in his defunct brain alone. BL's either a real dumb arsehole or he's pulling everyones' leg. Either way, you will learn nothing useful from conversing with him and you're just feeding his ego.

You're absolutely right...............no doubt he's an idiot & an obnoxious one at that!

 

[DaSleeper]

You're absolutely right...............no doubt he's an idiot & an obnoxious one at that!

Still sucking up to the gals I see......:roll:

 

[JLM]

Still sucking up to the gals I see......:roll:

Why would you make a statement like that? I was AGREEING. I feel sorry for people who are unable to come up with anything intelligent. Maybe you and Blackloaf should form a club! "Idiots inc."

 

[DaSleeper]

 

[Blackleaf]

[/QUOTE

Methinks that's a lot of B.S. Years ago I read that all races are equally intelligent, so unless things have changed it's still the case.

Nope. Sorry. I'm going to have to disagree with you there. Far-Easterners and Whites are more intelligent than blacks.

 

[JLM]

Nope. Sorry. I'm going to have to disagree with you there. Far-Easterners and Whites are more intelligent than blacks.

Does your measure of intelligence include music and sports? If not I suggest including them might level up the "playing field".

 

[Blackleaf]

KARL PILKINGTON

"It's a bit gay, innit?" - On poetry.

“She gave me the jabs and said I was covered for every worst-case scenario, including being bitten by a dirty chimp. I told her this is why we have over-population problems. Why are idiots who annoy dirty chimps being protected?”

“There was some women in a café the other week that I was sat in, and she came up and she sat down with her mate and she was talkin' loudly goin' on about "Oh the baby's lovely." They said it's got, er, lovely big eyes, er, really big hands and feet. Now that doesn't sound like a nice baby to me. I felt like sayin' it sounds like a frog."

“They do it in Thai restaurants in London. You ask for a drink, and it comes in a glass with loads of seaweed and pebbles in it like a scene from Finding Nemo.”

“A block of blood should not have the word "cake" after it...they might as well say "sh*te gateau.”

“I've never been touched by such an old man.”

"Have they read Shakespeare?" - When told by Stephen Merchant on The Ricky Gervais Show that if you've got an infinite number of monkeys and an infinite number of typewriters, they will type the complete works of Shakespeare

"My rule is that I only eat something that looks nice when it's alive. A cow; a chicken; some fish. An octopus is an odd-looking thing alive... even worse when it's dead and limp."

"A dog has got human eyes."

"One of our mates has had a baby recently and I just was saying 'Oh, when that's sort of our age, we'll nearly be dead. Think about that.'"

"Had lunch inside today due to sh*te weather. Sat next to an old fella. Old men's ears and noses carry on growing as they get older. Suzanne noticed his fingers were fat, too. Maybe they continue to grow. Suzanne didn't laugh when I said her a*se had the same problem."

"Do logs say they slept like a human?"

"We can't all be geniuses, otherwise there'd be no-one to do the jobs the geniuses don't want to do."

"What was that noise? I've just made a noise I've never heard come from me." - A nervous Karl on the end of a bungee rope.

SHEEP OFF A CLIFF

"Thousands of sheep fed up,
So they jumped off cliff into bay,
They shouldn't survive,
But it just goes to show,
Where there's wool there's a way."

 

[Mowich]

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[JLM]

An interesting thread and I've often thought another one entitled common misnomers might gather a little traction. Some misnomers are quite amusing. I've been known to frequent the casinos from time to time & I've heard the same complaint a thousand times if I've heard it once................"They are sure tightening up the machines" L.O.L. The winning payout schedules are generally shown right on the machine. Mathematics takes care of the casinos' profits, over a few million plays mathematics is pretty accurate. No one is doing any "tightening". What is generally more often the case is people are playing the wrong numbers on the wrong machine on the wrong day. Every time I go there some one is winning.

 

[Mowich]

An interesting thread and I've often thought another one entitled common misnomers might gather a little traction. Some misnomers are quite amusing. I've been known to frequent the casinos from time to time & I've heard the same complaint a thousand times if I've heard it once................"They are sure tightening up the machines" L.O.L. The winning payout schedules are generally shown right on the machine. Mathematics takes care of the casinos' profits, over a few million plays mathematics is pretty accurate. No one is doing any "tightening". What is generally more often the case is people are playing the wrong numbers on the wrong machine on the wrong day. Every time I go there some one is winning.

Sounds like an idea, JLM...........don't know any off the top of my head but I can put my thinking cap on.

 

[Cliffy]

 

[Mowich]

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[JLM]

There may be a slight problem there, Cliffy...........your intended audience aren't the type who can be easily persuaded.

 

[Blackleaf]

Does your measure of intelligence include music and sports? If not I suggest including them might level up the "playing field".

How intelligent do you have to be to run 109 yards as quickly as possible and sing crappy songs talking about "shooting yo a*s", killing police officers, raping people, ****ing children's asses and chucking their corpses off bridges? It takes very little intelligence to do that.

On average, white people are more intelligent than black people and males are more intelligent than females.

 

[DaSleeper]

How intelligent do you have to be to run 109 yards as quickly as possible and sing crappy songs talking about "shooting yo a*s", killing police officers, raping people, ****ing children's asses and chucking their corpses off bridges? It takes very little intelligence to do that.

On average, white people are more intelligent than black people and males are more intelligent than females.

 

[JLM]

On average, white people are more intelligent than black people and males are more intelligent than females.

F**king unadulterated horse sh*t.

 

[Mowich]

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