I admire your strength to have done palliative care work. It is one of the hardest jobs on this earth. And one of the most valuable.
When Mom and Dad Grow Old
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I admire your strength to have done palliative care work. It is one of the hardest jobs on this earth. And one of the most valuable.
In 2000, my mother sold her duplex in the Okanagan and moved out here (I had another bedroom built onto the house). Although she might have enjoyed the company of seniors in a home, she hates community living and is perfectly comfotable in a house. She's 86, partially blind and has a myriad of minor ailments. I am still able to take care of her, however, and I get her out and about whenever she's feelong up to it. She's developed a bevy of senior friends and plays cribbage, bridge, etc. with them. I usually wander into town on Tuesdays so she's located a seniors meeting place where she can join in several activities. I usually joke about me being a rotten teen and she's here to get revenge. 
Anyway, It isn't hard, she doesn't eat that much, my critters love her, my neighbors love her, etc. Then there's the selfish end of the issue, I'd rather look after her than have the feds or the province look after her. A private home is out of the question. Both of us together can't afford those prices. She's my mother. It disgusts me when I see older people stuck in homes where no family bothers to visit. Besides my mother, I can include in my circle of friends 3 people in their 90s, several in ther 70s and 80s, and lots all the way to 5 years old. I'll be damned if any find themselves not wanted.
Now I have to look up palliative and see what it means. As if my vocabulary isn't big enuff. :roll:
Anyway, It isn't hard, she doesn't eat that much, my critters love her, my neighbors love her, etc. Then there's the selfish end of the issue, I'd rather look after her than have the feds or the province look after her. A private home is out of the question. Both of us together can't afford those prices. She's my mother. It disgusts me when I see older people stuck in homes where no family bothers to visit. Besides my mother, I can include in my circle of friends 3 people in their 90s, several in ther 70s and 80s, and lots all the way to 5 years old. I'll be damned if any find themselves not wanted.Now I have to look up palliative and see what it means. As if my vocabulary isn't big enuff. :roll:
I was living with my mother in small one room house untill she left me in Jan-2004 for resting in peace and after her death I was so pissed off from my life , that at one point of time almost commited suicide , but some one ( who is my wife know ) made me relized that life has to go on .....
Palliative care addresses the physical and psychological aspects of end of life. It involves:
We fought long and hard to provide hospice and care to and with families in Ont .the gov .is slowly taking back its time amounts and promised care .
I would include this in any retirement plan ,one never knows ,and it hits the family (the unprepared family like a brick wall ) if the financail and where to turn for community help is know, it relives the child to spent time with the parent ,instead of fight with insurance gov or what to get service (help ) you the family is alway in charge and the wishes of Mom/ Dad are proierty with gov help , l ike I said we fought for it to be this way .
Icant begin to tell of research and extra work I would do (not have to ) I wanted to to ensure ,along we everone else we had a system a team appoach to the eneviable pain (loss )_
- Pain and other symptom management;
- Social, psychological, cultural, emotional and spiritual support;
- Caregiver support; and,
- bereavement support.
We fought long and hard to provide hospice and care to and with families in Ont .the gov .is slowly taking back its time amounts and promised care .
I would include this in any retirement plan ,one never knows ,and it hits the family (the unprepared family like a brick wall ) if the financail and where to turn for community help is know, it relives the child to spent time with the parent ,instead of fight with insurance gov or what to get service (help ) you the family is alway in charge and the wishes of Mom/ Dad are proierty with gov help , l ike I said we fought for it to be this way .
Icant begin to tell of research and extra work I would do (not have to ) I wanted to to ensure ,along we everone else we had a system a team appoach to the eneviable pain (loss )_
Good post! In my experience ministering to seniors I also found that same thing. I also discovered that often there were strong disagreements amongst family members as to who each felt SHOULD be responsible for "Mom" once they had placed her in a home.
Equally distressing to me personally was how many of our Seniors sat in these homes waiting for family members to visit who never seemed to show up.
I used to say Mass every Sunday at one home. This place had a lovely and well appointed Chapel for this purpose. We woucld fit easily 50 people. One story sticks in my mind, even though this was at least 8 or 10 years ago.
One lady used to come to Mass dressed to the nines, dressed up in a way I have not seen since I was a boy. She wore hat, white gloves if you please and a fetching dress or skirt and blouse every week. Quiet a switch from what one normally sees.
One Sunday after Mass I complimented her on dressing up for Church. She said "Oh Father, actually I'm dressed up because I have to be ready in case my son has time to take me out for lunch".
Well, you can imagine what I felt!
In 2000, my mother sold her duplex in the Okanagan and moved out here (I had another bedroom built onto the house). Although she might have enjoyed the company of seniors in a home, she hates community living and is perfectly comfotable in a house. She's 86, partially blind and has a myriad of minor ailments. I am still able to take care of her, however, and I get her out and about whenever she's feelong up to it. She's developed a bevy of senior friends and plays cribbage, bridge, etc. with them. I usually wander into town on Tuesdays so she's located a seniors meeting place where she can join in several activities. I usually joke about me being a rotten teen and she's here to get revenge.
Now I have to look up palliative and see what it means. As if my vocabulary isn't big enuff. :roll:
And your beneifts are much greater then those who dispose of their parents! That is one of the issues I think that is hard for people in Senior's Centres, the fact that they are mostly surrounded by other elderly people, all basically killing time until their demises. This robs them of the variety of life, for if you think about it, on any given day we interact with people from all age groups.
One thing I used to do in one Senior's Centre is hold Children's Masses every so often in a Senior's Centre, inviting kids and their parents from the parish to attend these events. The Youth Group would help prepare parts of the Mass, picking songs, readings, etc.
It was wonderful, for it both gave the Senior's exposure to the young and the young exposure to them.
Respect your parrents and do not argue with them , that should be our moto , coz once we loose them then only we starts relizing the movement and at that point of time we can only and only cry and cant do anything else.
In general yes, but not always possible. Honouring our parents means we should respect the life they gave to us, but for many people their parents are either neglectful or abusive. In such cases, we must seek to free ourselves of such events in our lives.
i dont know what ill do if and when my mom gets really old, but im wondering if something is wrong with nursing homes or seniors centres? i mean, isnt that the best care around for old people who might be sick and needs a nurse around all the time? how else can somebody take care of them if they have to work and all that? anyway, whats the difference between seniors centres and nursng homes ayway?
Senior Centres usually cater to a healthy population, a group that is somewhat independant and able to function with limited attention, whereas Nursing Homes are geared towards people who require constant medical attention and are somewhat less mobile.
I moved my 79 year old mother in with our family. She had beginning Alzheimers, and was unable to really look after herself.
Her condition rapidly deteriorated once she moved in...part of that,I think,was the 50 plus years she had lived in her own home.Habits of a lifetime were ingrained...she knew where her own broom was,where the bedroom and the bathroom were...none of these things were familiar to her in our home.
We have a fairly good "seniors" service here, and received great support from them. That meant we could get out to school events for the children,hockey games for them,and an occasional social evening for my husband and I.
The downside was the lack of sleep...my mother didn't seem to have any more "body clock" routines...days became nights and vice versa.
Her lack of recognition of family members was devastating...her loss of "self" was worse.
She and I had long ago had the "will" chat...but neither of us raised the "what if I need care" chat.
Eventually,I placed her in a caring institution. They are tough places to visit...mostly,I suppose,because it smacks us in the face of what our future might hold.
I've said here before that I'd like to be able to make my own dignified exit,preferably at my own hand.
I don't think that would have been my mother's choice.
Her condition rapidly deteriorated once she moved in...part of that,I think,was the 50 plus years she had lived in her own home.Habits of a lifetime were ingrained...she knew where her own broom was,where the bedroom and the bathroom were...none of these things were familiar to her in our home.
We have a fairly good "seniors" service here, and received great support from them. That meant we could get out to school events for the children,hockey games for them,and an occasional social evening for my husband and I.
The downside was the lack of sleep...my mother didn't seem to have any more "body clock" routines...days became nights and vice versa.
Her lack of recognition of family members was devastating...her loss of "self" was worse.
She and I had long ago had the "will" chat...but neither of us raised the "what if I need care" chat.
Eventually,I placed her in a caring institution. They are tough places to visit...mostly,I suppose,because it smacks us in the face of what our future might hold.
I've said here before that I'd like to be able to make my own dignified exit,preferably at my own hand.
I don't think that would have been my mother's choice.
I'm new, but I'm guessing you're not Canadian? Not argue with our parents? Hun, what would teenage years be without that
Same thing happened to us. My Mom was 81 and going through what you described. We moved her in with us. It was hard, very hard. She often tought was little and called out for me and my brothers and sisters to "get ready for school" I'm sure you know the sort of stuff I'm talking about.
In the last few weeks before she died she insisted we take her to Mass. She used to be a devoutCatholic. Well, one Sunday I did and she insisted we were not at a Catholic Church because it wasn't the old mass in Latin. She was back almos 35 years in her mind!
In our situation, what really got under my skin was that once Mom moved in with us and we were caring for her, my siblings and their spouses almost gave us zero support. They all seemed content to let Mom be taken care of by me and my family.
But at the funeral, suddenly they were all devoted to her.
AnnaBattler
Thank you for your post of experience and your shared sadness of course. It is a tough subject, but I wish more people would think on these things for themselves while they are young and can explore over the years the ramifications of becoming infirm and the drain not only for themselves, but for their loved ones.
I tend to favor my own control and care and decision-making but I haven't really brought up the topic with any family members yet - because I don't have a decision yet, but what you wrote about being able to make your own dignified exit preferably at your own hand....has a great gift of love attached to it....and I wonder why we circumvent the topic .... because it is painful or abhorrent to people who do not believe in it or ????
I am not talking about what we are considering for our parents.... I am talking about ourselves...although with the speed science is going, we may find ourselves living far beyond our norm now..... but I pray it will be quality life, not helpless existence.
I do wish you visited more often Anna - you post so many challenging messages and then disappear without more conversation. Anyway thank you for sharing....you have a great ability to communicate.
There's nothing wrong with the homes themselves.... there's something wrong with the lack of interaction with family that seniors tend to get once they are in these homes. With my great grandma, she was so frail that her bones would break if you picked her up wrong to bathe her. We had no choice but a care center, we couldn't help her at all. But we visited consistently, and when the time came that she was too frail to eat anymore, we stayed with her until she passed away. Many families put their relatives in these homes, rarely come to visit, and let them die in the care of nurses rather than in the comfort of family.
That's right. Many people, once they drop off their family members in those places, rarely visit with any sense of regularity. Sanctus us right about people in those places sitting around hoping that someone will come to visit with them. I postulate that the biggest issue for the seniors is lonliness.
Right on. lolI'm new, but I'm guessing you're not Canadian? Not argue with our parents? Hun, what would teenage years be without that
I had the constant perfectly logical view that there was no sense i making my bed because I'd just mess it up later on that day. So the only time a bed should logically be made is when it's sheet change day.
It didn't go over very well.
I still think that makes perfect sense. The war department doesn't see it the same way.Right on. lol
I had the constant perfectly logical view that there was no sense i making my bed because I'd just mess it up later on that day. So the only time a bed should logically be made is when it's sheet change day.
It didn't go over very well.