Spanking children isn’t abusing them

[Tecumsehsbones]

My children are good because I was a FATHER FIGURE.

Probably more of a father figurine.

 

[davesmom]

I spanked my daughter once. I can't remember what she'd done, but I remember we were at the mall. She actually became quite angry after the spanking. She was 2 or 3 years old at the time.

I'd already learned that if she had something in her hands she shouldn't, it was best to simply ask her for the item. She'd happily hand it over. If you sounded upset or panicked that she had something in her hand, she'd throw it away.

So after she became angry at having been spanked, I decided to never do it again. She's the kind of person whom responds to honest discussions. She does not respond well to fear. Spanking uses fear of punishment and pain as a deterrent. The human mind can not live in constant fear. It will do what it can to mitigate that feeling. Doesn't always work out the way the parent hopes.

Her father is exactly the same way. In fact, the threat of pain infliction has caused him to become very very good at beating the snot out of other people. He grew up with spankings and it was NOT the right method for him. Funnily enough, when we got together, people were worried about my safety. Turns out he responds in kind. I'm non violent and believe if you can't get across your opinion with words and have to resort to violence then your opinion/idea is worth nothing. You can talk to him and tell him anything. He'll never lay a hand on you. Raise your fist to him? He'll knock you out. I think it's because he was inadvertently taught at a young age, that violence is how you stop violence. If you don't want to be hit, hit back and knock 'em out. They'll stop hitting you. Kids learn funny things, even when we think we're teaching them a specific thing, they could well be learning stuff you had no intention of teaching, nor had a clue you were teaching something to them. scary stuff.

2 and 3 year olds don't respond well to honest discussions. For older children, once out of the toddler stage it depends on the personality and temperament of the child. Some can be reasoned with, others can't. In my experience children want and respond to praise and try to please their parents to get that praise.
Spanking can teach that there are harsh consequences for bad behavior and children need to learn that. As adults there will be harsh consequences for bad behavior. It's a fact of life. You can lose a valued friend, get fired from a job, get sued, or much worse for bad behavior.
I never had to spank my son but he knew it was always an option and he never put it to the test.
I think a parent is the best one to decide what is the best form of discipline and outsiders shouldn't criticize. I also think that no effective discipline at all is the worst kind of abuse (next to verbal abuse) for it doesn't prepare a child for the realities of adult life.

 

[JLM]

2 and 3 year olds don't respond well to honest discussions. For older children, once out of the toddler stage it depends on the personality and temperament of the child. Some can be reasoned with, others can't. In my experience children want and respond to praise and try to please their parents to get that praise.
Spanking can teach that there are harsh consequences for bad behavior and children need to learn that. As adults there will be harsh consequences for bad behavior. It's a fact of life. You can lose a valued friend, get fired from a job, get sued, or much worse for bad behavior.
I never had to spank my son but he knew it was always an option and he never put it to the test.
I think a parent is the best one to decide what is the best form of discipline and outsiders shouldn't criticize. I also think that no effective discipline at all is the worst kind of abuse (next to verbal abuse) for it doesn't prepare a child for the realities of adult life.

I believe in starting out with the mildest punishment that will correct the behaviour.

 

[Twila]

2 and 3 year olds don't respond well to honest discussions.

long discussions, no. Adult discussions, no. But in language a 2 and 3 year old can manage. A calm adult will get better behavior from a child then a upset adult.


I'm seeing the same thing with my grandson. He's 3. He's hyper. He won't listen to long drawn out explanations. But he does understand a firm No. And he understands a sentence or 2 of why. That's the end of the discussion time though.

His parents allow for some long drawn out "discussions" and tantrums. They're new to it though. I say no and I move on. He gets it when he's with me.

 

[davesmom]

long discussions, no. Adult discussions, no. But in language a 2 and 3 year old can manage. A calm adult will get better behavior from a child then a upset adult.


I'm seeing the same thing with my grandson. He's 3. He's hyper. He won't listen to long drawn out explanations. But he does understand a firm No. And he understands a sentence or 2 of why. That's the end of the discussion time though.

His parents allow for some long drawn out "discussions" and tantrums. They're new to it though. I say no and I move on. He gets it when he's with me.

Interesting! I have the same result from my grandson. His parents threaten him with time out, counting to 3, all that nonsense and he knows exactly how to play them. But he listens to his Grandpa and me when we simply tell him to cut it out, that's not acceptable behavior for a young 'gentleman'.

 

[talloola]

Interesting! I have the same result from my grandson. His parents threaten him with time out, counting to 3, all that nonsense and he knows exactly how to play them. But he listens to his Grandpa and me when we simply tell him to cut it out, that's not acceptable behavior for a young 'gentleman'.

yes, I agree, we have 7 grandchildren, had 4 daughters.

people who have to spank children, just don't have the skills to do it differently, and that is sad.

an adult spanking a child is angry, and only showing his/her lack of discipline and control of temper.
child either learns to obey, out of fear, or becomes worse, out of anger, both results are not positive
at all.

in the 'old' days, spankings were more acceptable and expected, and many parents do 'what their parents'
did, hopefully as time go on, most will have learned a much more intelligent and successful method
of dealing with misbehaving children.

I did not ever spank my children, but I also was 'not' a mild mannered mother who was run roughshod
over, by my children, the exact opposite, they always knew who was in charge, it was 'us', not 'them',
and I believe children feel much more secure knowing where they stand, what the rules are, and
that the parents are 'fair' about their lives, and even when they hate what they have to do, at
times, when the dust settles, they think about it, and move on to a better place in their lives.

spanking is way too easy for angry parents to deal with their own anger over a situation.

that's how I see it.



my husband, had two brothers, 'he' was spanked a lot, he learned to just get the spanking, and walk
away without any emotion, and it was a contest with him to be stronger than his parents, who became
totally frustrated with him because he didn't react to spankings, he loved sports, and wanted to play
hockey, they said no, he snuck out and went anyway, came home, got spanked, and continued to sneak
out, he borrowed all the equipment, including skates, till finally they just left him alone, he grew
up to be such a clean living person, playing lots of different sports, his brothers played nothing,
but loved to drink and party lots, he didn't do any of that, just the way he was, naturally, but he
got all the spankings, and he never forgot them, but got along great with his brothers and parents.

his parents were old country people, didn't know any other way to deal with children I guess, we
all know much more than in those days.