Political Humour
- Thread starter karrie
- Start date
The election was too close to call.
Neither the Conservative candidate nor the Liberal candidate had enough votes to win. There was much talk about ballot recounting, court challenges, etc., but a week-long ice fishing competition seemed the Canadian-like way to settle things. The candidate that caught the most fish at the end of the week would win the election.
Therefore, it was decided that there should be an ice fishing contest between the two PM candidates to determine the winner. After much back and forth discussion, it was decided that the contest take place on a remote frozen lake in northern Manitoba .
There were to be no observers present, and both men were to be sent out separately on this isolated lake and return at 5 P.M. with their catch for counting and
verification by a team of neutral parties.
At the end of the first day, Steven Harper returned to the starting line and he had ten fish. Soon, Dion returned and had no fish. Well, everyone assumed he was just having another 'bad hair' day or something and hopefully, he would catch up the next day.
At the end of the 2nd day Harper came in with 20 fish and Dion came in again with none. That evening, Jack Layton got together secretly with Dion and said, 'Dion, I think Steven Harper. is a low-life, cheatin'
son-of-a-gun. I want you to go out tomorrow and don't even bother with fishing. Just spy on him and see just how he is cheating.'
The next night (after Steven Harper. returns with 50 fish), Layton said to Dion, 'Well, tell me, how is Steven Harper cheating?'
Dion replied, 'Jack, you're not going to believe this, but he's cutting holes in the ice....'
Neither the Conservative candidate nor the Liberal candidate had enough votes to win. There was much talk about ballot recounting, court challenges, etc., but a week-long ice fishing competition seemed the Canadian-like way to settle things. The candidate that caught the most fish at the end of the week would win the election.
Therefore, it was decided that there should be an ice fishing contest between the two PM candidates to determine the winner. After much back and forth discussion, it was decided that the contest take place on a remote frozen lake in northern Manitoba .
There were to be no observers present, and both men were to be sent out separately on this isolated lake and return at 5 P.M. with their catch for counting and
verification by a team of neutral parties.
At the end of the first day, Steven Harper returned to the starting line and he had ten fish. Soon, Dion returned and had no fish. Well, everyone assumed he was just having another 'bad hair' day or something and hopefully, he would catch up the next day.
At the end of the 2nd day Harper came in with 20 fish and Dion came in again with none. That evening, Jack Layton got together secretly with Dion and said, 'Dion, I think Steven Harper. is a low-life, cheatin'
son-of-a-gun. I want you to go out tomorrow and don't even bother with fishing. Just spy on him and see just how he is cheating.'
The next night (after Steven Harper. returns with 50 fish), Layton said to Dion, 'Well, tell me, how is Steven Harper cheating?'
Dion replied, 'Jack, you're not going to believe this, but he's cutting holes in the ice....'
While walking down the street one day a 'Member of Parliment' is tragically hit by a truck and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'
'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.
'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'
'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the MP.
'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
'Now it's time to visit heaven.'
So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'
The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the MP. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.
What happened?'
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were campaigning.. ..
Today you voted.'
Have a good one
Why did the chicken cross the road? Well, apparently it depends who you ask:
BARACK OBAMA:
The chicken crossed the road because it was time
for a change! The chicken wanted change!
JOHN MCCAIN:
My friends, that chicken crossed the road because
he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue
with all the chickens on the other side of the road.
SARAH PALIN:
I support the right of the chicken to cross the
road to lay her eggs on the other side, unlike my opponents
who would deny life to the unborn embryos, and even turn
them into omelets with cheese and mushrooms. I oppose any
earmarks to help that chicken put on lipstick to cross the
road. But who cares about a chicken when there are moose to shoot.
HILLARY CLINTON:
When I was First Lady, I personally helped that
little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me
uniquely qualified to ensure the rights, from Day One, that
every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to
cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me is it?
GEORGE W. BUSH:
We don't really care why the chicken crossed
the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side
of the road, or not. This chicken is either for us or against us.
There is no middle ground here.
DICK CHENEY:
Where's my gun?
COLIN POWELL:
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly
see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.
BILL CLINTON:
I did not cross the road with that chicken. What
is your definition of chicken?
AL GORE:
I invented the chicken.
JOHN KERRY:
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the
road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross,
and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am
not for it now, and will remain against it.
DR. PHIL:
The problem we have here is that this chicken
won't realize that it must first deal with the problem
on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on
the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him
realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his
current problems before adding new ones.
OPRAH:
Well, I understand that the chicken is having
problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so badly.
So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and
take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give
this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road
and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
NANCY GRACE:
That chicken crossed the road because he's
guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
PAT BUCHANAN:
To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
DR SEUSS:
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it
with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why he
crossed I've not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die in the rain, alone.
GRANDPA:
In my day we didn't ask why the chicken
crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the
road, and that was good enough.
BARBARA WALTERS:
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we
will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time,
the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case
of molting,and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of
crossing the road.
JOHN LENNON:
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing
roads together, in peace.
BILL GATES:
I have just released eChicken 2008, which will
not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important
documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is
an integral part of eChicken 2008. This new platform is much
more stable and will never crash or need to be rebooted.
COLONEL SANDERS:
Did I miss one?
The chicken crossed the road because it was time
for a change! The chicken wanted change!
JOHN MCCAIN:
My friends, that chicken crossed the road because
he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue
with all the chickens on the other side of the road.
SARAH PALIN:
I support the right of the chicken to cross the
road to lay her eggs on the other side, unlike my opponents
who would deny life to the unborn embryos, and even turn
them into omelets with cheese and mushrooms. I oppose any
earmarks to help that chicken put on lipstick to cross the
road. But who cares about a chicken when there are moose to shoot.
HILLARY CLINTON:
When I was First Lady, I personally helped that
little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me
uniquely qualified to ensure the rights, from Day One, that
every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to
cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me is it?
GEORGE W. BUSH:
We don't really care why the chicken crossed
the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side
of the road, or not. This chicken is either for us or against us.
There is no middle ground here.
DICK CHENEY:
Where's my gun?
COLIN POWELL:
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly
see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.
BILL CLINTON:
I did not cross the road with that chicken. What
is your definition of chicken?
AL GORE:
I invented the chicken.
JOHN KERRY:
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the
road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross,
and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am
not for it now, and will remain against it.
DR. PHIL:
The problem we have here is that this chicken
won't realize that it must first deal with the problem
on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on
the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him
realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his
current problems before adding new ones.
OPRAH:
Well, I understand that the chicken is having
problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so badly.
So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and
take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give
this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road
and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
NANCY GRACE:
That chicken crossed the road because he's
guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
PAT BUCHANAN:
To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
DR SEUSS:
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it
with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why he
crossed I've not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die in the rain, alone.
GRANDPA:
In my day we didn't ask why the chicken
crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the
road, and that was good enough.
BARBARA WALTERS:
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we
will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time,
the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case
of molting,and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of
crossing the road.
JOHN LENNON:
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing
roads together, in peace.
BILL GATES:
I have just released eChicken 2008, which will
not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important
documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is
an integral part of eChicken 2008. This new platform is much
more stable and will never crash or need to be rebooted.
COLONEL SANDERS:
Did I miss one?
