I've been on a suicide mission pretty much my whole adult life...not caring what I said or whose feelings i hurt. I apologize...I was only ever angry at myself, but I've never had the guts to off myself.
But I welcome death. If someone jumps out of the pack and takes me out, so be it. At ;least dead men don't think.
I've discovered trying to make peace with my past is becoming pretty damn near impossible. My schizophrenia is telling me I'm in a giant Funhouse at a Carnival...with mirrors, distorted mocking faces, and I'm getting vertigo from all of it.
I don't know how to end this Circus I've created in my mind. i don't think this is going to end well. I'm just going to lay low for a while and try to think this through.
No. I'm not into sadfishing, and I will not take my own life. I'm just confused in this moment. I walk out the front door and feel like the whole world is coming at me. I still have insight...for now. It's my schizophrenic 'delusions of reference' and 'delusions of persecution.'
I just wish i was 10 years old again....knowing nothing of drugs, tobacco, alcohol, racism...etc. Just pure unbridled god-given energy, creativity, joy, no responsibility...etc.
Thanks for taking a moment to talk to me. It meant a lot.
"Often what is considered "in" is more accurately described as lemmings on the move. Some of the smartest people dance to a different drummer."