Favorite quotes

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Hard-Luck Henry

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Feb 19, 2005
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''It is odd to watch with what feverish ardor Americans pursue prosperity. Ever tormented by the shadowy suspicion that they may not have chosen the shortest route to get it. They cleave to the things of this world as if assured that they will never die, and yet rush to snatch any that comes within their reach as if they expected to stop living before they had relished them. Death steps in, in the end, and stops them before they have grown tired of this futile pursuit of that complete felicity which always escapes them.''

Alexis de Tocqueville
 
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peapod

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Jun 26, 2004
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pumpkin pie bungalow
I guess it was a mistake to tell the chip about this site :twisted: He is to big for me to give a lickin to now :twisted: Let the chips fall where they may :roll:

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.
Frank Zappa
 
F

Frito lay

Electoral Member
Feb 9, 2005
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It would take much more than Vinni Fetechini And Pee Pod to kick my ass, you would need some cryptonight and couple of bowls Hubbly Bubbly...and then, only then would you have a chance.
 
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peapod

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pumpkin pie bungalow
Yes I have heard the same bullshit when you fish a river :twisted: Is that your quote, of course it is :roll:

Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you :twisted:
Jack handey
 
Spade

Spade

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Nov 18, 2008
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Aether Island
The Eagle
By Alfred, Lord Tennyson

He clasps the crag with crooked hands;
Close to the sun in lonely lands,
Ring'd with the azure world, he stands.

The wrinkled sea beneath him crawls;
He watches from his mountain walls,
And like a thunderbolt he falls.
 
Blackleaf

Blackleaf

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Oct 9, 2004
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I think I've posted some quotes on here from the little, bald, round-headed Manc twonk - but a comedy genious - Karl Pilkington.

Here are some more Karlisms:



"I don't know whenther it was to put me off but my Mum used to say, to be a Hell's Angels you needed to s**t in your pants, and not change it for a week. After my mum said that about the Hell's Angels, my Dad said “Well, Auntie Nora would easily pass the entrance test.”

"Blind people don't go out much. They only ever really go out to take their dogs for a walk."

“I was woken around 2 a.m. by something outside. I thought it might have been someone trying to break in. It was a chicken. At two in the morning! What is a chicken doing awake at this hour?”

“It’s really grey here in China. Not really worth having this in HD is it?”
- An Idiot Abroad



"I think I’d rather be an uglyish looking person than a beautiful one, as how often do you have to look at yourself?"

"Smiling isn’t my face’s default setting. I smile when I’m really happy and only ‘cos that’s what my mouth wants to do."

"I've never seen a dwarf with a normal job. When I've had plumbers out time & time again for my knackered boiler, a dwarf has never turned up."

Karl in Venice, referring to a statue he sees: "What's a lion doing up there with wings? If that was done today you'd go, 'What's that s**t'?"



"A slug is always on its own. It's a lonely insect."

"I had a bad experience doing public speaking at school. I had to talk about a pen for five minutes and it was really hard work. I couldn't wait to get off the stage."

"I don't know why small chocolates are called fun-sized. I mean, if I called a midget fun-sized, they'd kick off."

"We're gonna get weaker. That's already happened. They used to say, you know, an apple a day keeps the doctor away. Now they're saying eat five fruits. That's evidence. You can't argue with that."



On organ donation: "What happens if someone else has [my eyes], and they start looking at stuff I don't like? I don't like the idea of that."

“Everywhere we walked we got plenty of attention due to the camera and sound men. The locals love to get on camera. [...] I'd seen footage of Gandhi surrounded like this and always thought it was because he was very popular, but now I wonder if it was just because he had a camera crew with him.”
- An Idiot Abroad: The Travel Diaries of Karl Pilkington

“The cafe was called Tattoos. The fella who owned it didn't have any tattoos... but we never saw his wife.”

“There is no need for ants to have the ability to fly”



“It's interesting to see that people had so much clutter even thousands of years ago. The only way to get rid of it all was to bury it, and then some archaeologist went and dug it all up.”

"You're better off living in the hole looking at the palace, than living in the palace looking at the hole."

"If you're living the dream how do you know you're awake or if you're asleep?"

 
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Blackleaf

Blackleaf

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Oct 9, 2004
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I suppose this was inevitable. Here are some quotes from Margaret Thatcher - the woman who was born in her father's grocer's shop in Grantham, Lincolnshire, and died in the 5 star Ritz hotel in London.


When Margaret Roberts applied for a job with British chemical company ICI in 1948 (in 1947 she graduated with Second-Class Honours in a Chemistry Bachelor of Science degree at Oxford University) an assessment noted that she was 'headstrong, obstinate and dangerously self-opinionated'. Both before and during her political career Baroness Thatcher gave the world a series of memorable quotes. Here are some of the best:

'I wasn't lucky, I deserved it' – Comment on receiving a school prize aged nine

'If you want something said, ask a man. If you want something done, ask a woman.' – Speech as an MP in 1965

'It will be years – and not in my time – before a woman will lead the party or become prime minister' – Speech in 1974

'It's the Labour Government that have brought us record peacetime taxation. They've got the usual Socialist disease – they've run out of other people's money.' – Tory Party Conference, 1975

'Any woman who understands the problems of running a home will be nearer to understanding the problems of running a country.' – Election campaign, 1979

'Where there is discord, may we bring harmony. Where there is error, may we bring truth. Where there is doubt, may we bring faith. And where there is despair, may we bring hope.' On winning 1979 election

'Pennies don't fall from Heaven – they have to be earned here on Earth.' – Speech at Lord Mayor's Banquet, 1979

'To those waiting with bated breath for that favourite media catchphrase, the U-turn, I have only one thing to say: You turn if you want to. The lady's not for turning.' Speech at Conservative Party Conference, 1980

'I don't mind how much my ministers talk, as long as they do what I say' – Interview, 1980

'No one would remember the Good Samaritan if he'd only had good intentions; he had money as well.' – TV interview, 1980

'My policies are based not on some economics theory, but on things I and millions like me were brought up with: An honest day's work for an honest day's pay; live within your means; put by a nest egg for a rainy day; pay your bills on time; support the police.' – Interview, 1981

'Defeat? I do not recognise the meaning of the word.' – at the start of the Falklands War, 1982

'Oh, I have lots of human weaknesses. Who hasn't?' – Interview, 1983

'This attack has failed. All attempts to destroy democracy by terrorism will fail.' – At Tory Conference in Brighton after the IRA bombing of the Grand Hotel, 1984


Mrs Thatcher gives her closing speech at the Conservative Party Conference in Brighton following the IRA bombing of a Brighton hotel in 1984 which the Conservative Party were staying in for teh conference. It killed five people - including two highj-profile members of the Conservative Party - and almost killed her.

'We had to fight the enemy without in the Falklands. We always have to be aware of the enemy within, which is much more difficult to fight and more dangerous to liberty.' – Reacting to the 1984-85 miners strike

'I am extraordinarily patient, provided I get my own way in the end.' – Interview, 1989

'We have become a grandmother.' – On the birth of her first grandchild, 1989

'I fight on, I fight to win.' – After failing to win enough votes to avoid a second round in the Conservative leadership contest. She resigned the following day. 1990

'It's a funny old world...' – Comment on her decision to resign, November 1990

'On my way here I passed a local cinema and it turns out you were expecting me after all, for the billboards read "The Mummy Returns".' – Conservative election rally, 2001

'I might have preferred iron, but bronze will do. It won't rust.' – Unveiling of statue to herself in the House of Commons, 2007

'I am not Winston' - What she used to say to people when telling them that she didn't want a state funeral in her death

Margaret Thatcher's best quotes: 'Defeat? I do not recognise the meaning of the word!' | Mail Online
 
Blackleaf

Blackleaf

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Twila said:
Black Adder! I remember being quite young sitting with my dad and watching Black adder II.

He'd been captures by a german spy. Black Adder asks him a bunch of questions about how he. The spy. could possible know so much. the spy's response was always "I'd do anything for my country"

then they start to discuss what disquise the spy had used. The milk maid. Black Adder "but didn't we......(implying sex) german spy "I'd do anything for my country"

On and On it goes. the spy having been everywhere Black adder had been and in mulitple disquises. then it comes to a sheep. Black Adder "but didn't we...." spy "I'd do anything for my country"\

OH it was soooooo funny.

I also remember another episode where The Queen plays a joke on Black Adder and pretends they've all been horribly massacred. Blood everywhere. court lying around dead. What a demented sense of humour. Sadly. I laughed.
Click to expand...

This was a 1985 episode of Blackadder called "Chains", set during the Elizabethan times.

Blackadder and Lord Melchett (played by the super-intelligent Stephen Fry) have been kidnapped (by being clonked on the head) by the German despot Mad Prince Ludwig (played by Hugh Laurie, Stephen Fry's friend and long time acting partner), despite Blackadder having just told Queen Elizabeth that only stupid people get kidnapped.

Whilst kept in a little box with spikes protruding from it in Ludwig's dungeon, Blackadder asks Ludwig who is he. Ludwig - who is a master of disguises - then gives him a surprising answer.


Blackadder, waking up in a dungeon with a sore head: "What was I drinking last night? My head feels like there's a Frenchman living in it!"

Blackadder: Who the hell are you, sausage breath?
Mad Prince Ludwig (in a German accent): You do not remember me then, Herr Blackadder?
Blackadder: I don't believe I've had the pleasure.
Mad Prince Ludwig: Oh, on the contrary. We have met many times, although you knew me by another name. Do you recall a mysterious black marketeer and smuggler called Otto with whom you used to dine and plot and play ze biscuit game at ze old pizzel in Dover?
Blackadder: My God!
Mad Prince Ludwig: Yes! I... was the waitress!
Blackadder: I don't believe it! You? Big Sally?
Mad Prince Ludwig: [in a woman's voice with a West Country accent] Will you have another piece of pie, my Lord?
Blackadder: But I went to bed with you, didn't I?
Mad Prince Ludwig: For my country, I am willing to make any sacrifice.
Blackadder: Yes, well I'm not. I must have been paralytic!

Then Melchett is brought into the torture chamber and he asks Ludwig who he is. And, again, the master of disguise gives a surprising answer:

Prince Ludwig: Do you remember when you were in Cornwall, at the monastery, there was an old shepherd wizh whom you used to talk?
Lord Melchett: Good Lord! Timkins?
Prince Ludwig: Yes! I was one of his sheep!
Lord Melchett: His sheep? Not...
Prince Ludwig: Yes!
Lord Melchett: Flossy?
Prince Ludwig: Yes!
Lord Melchett: But didn't we...
Prince Ludwig (with Hugh Laurie genuinely trying desperately not to laugh): Yes, Lord Melchett! Baaaaaa!



Lord Melchett: [Blackadder and Melchett are chained in Prince Ludwig's dungeon] Alas! shall I never see England more? Her rolling fields, her swooping swallows...
Blackadder: ...And her playful sheep.

Blackadder: One thing, Ludwig, just before you go...
Prince Ludwig: What?
Blackadder: Were you ever bullied at school?
Prince Ludwig: What do you mean?
Blackadder: Well, all this ranting and raving about power, there must be some reason for it.
Prince Ludwig: Nonsense, no, no, at my school having dirty hair and spots was a sign of maturity.
Blackadder: I thought so! And I bet your mother made you wear shorts right up to your final year.
Prince Ludwig: Shut up! SHUT UP! When I am King of England, no one will ever dare call me Shorty Greasy Spot-Spot again!

Lord Melchett (getting bored being chained to the wall): What say you, Blackadder, I sing a song to keep our spirits up.
Blackadder: That all depends whether you want the slop bucket over your head or not.
Lord Melchett: Well, perhaps some pleasant word game.
Blackadder: Yes, all right. Make a sentence out of the following words: Face, sodding, your, shut.


****************************************************

I can't resist the temptation. I'm going to have to post more memorable quotes from that hilarous Manc twonk Karl Pilkington.

If you're feeling miserable for whatever reason just read these. They'll cheer you up.......

It would be impossible, I'd just chuck myself into the salt pot or something....[Ricky laughs hysterically]... I'd hate that, that would be horrible that....[Ricky continues to giggle] - Karl answering Ricky Gervais's question of how he would get his girlfriend Suzanne's attention in the kitchen if he were turned into a slug. Series 1, episode 12 of "The Ricky Gervais Show".




"There was a really fat bloke on the plane... [Ricky laughs] ...he was playing on a PSP. While I was waiting to go to the toilet, I looked at what game he was playing. It was darts. He's that fat and lazy... [Ricky laughs] ...he can't play a more active game on a games console." - Excerpt from Karl's Diary, read out by Stephen Merchant in an episode of The Ricky Gervais Show

Woke up to news about ducks being badly treated. There was a really ugly one with bent legs. - From Karl's Diary



Karl is not only an unintentional comedy genious, he's also something of a poet:

"If Moths Had Eyes"
If moths had eyes, would they be happier?
How do they know they're not dead?
Cavemen hunting for food,
But not before they style the hair on their head
What would last longer in dinosaur times?
A blind man didn't stand a chance.
Not with all them rocks about
I'd rather be a blind moth

"Bubbled Wallpaper"
Bubbled wallpaper, what a mess
Washer dryer knackered, what a mess
Siamese twins separated, one leg less

"Jellyfish"
I don't like jellyfish, they’re not a fish, they're just a blob
They don’t have eyes, fins or scales like a cod
They float about blind, stinging people in the seas
And no one eats jellyfish with chips and mushy peas
Get rid of them

"My Ward"
Me, a Chinese fella and an old bloke,
Who looked like Mr Burns from 'The Simpsons',
Don't know what was wrong with him,
But breaking wind was the symptoms.

No one visited him or called him.
He seemed quite lost to me.
As well as wind problems,
He had a colostomy.

When I left,I said "see ya" to the old man.
Turned out the other fella wasn't Chinese,
He was from Japan.

I never found out what was up with him.




There was a big fat fella in the sea who kept his T-shirt on. If you're big and fat, is there more chance of you getting burnt because there is more of you on show? I asked Suzanne, and she said she "didn't know" in that sort of not listening kind of way. I wanted to hang around and see if the fat bloke was going to get in the kayak... [Ricky laughs... but Suzanne said we had to head back. - Another excerpt from Karl's Diary, read by Stephen Merchant on The Ricky Gervais Show

Woke up at 9.55am. Soon as I woke up, I looked at Suzanne and she looked at me. I said, "Did I tell you about the immune system?" Suzanne starting laughing, I said it's amazing. She said, "Not now." - From Karl's Diary

I woke up the other night, quite late, and I said to my girlfriend, I said, "How do you put a snake down?"

Who's been lying about it until now? - Karl on the title of the TV documentary "The Truth About The Giant Squid"



Make sure you tell 'em I think Twitter is s**t, too - Instructing Ricky Gervais to make sure all the Karl Pilkington quote lovers on Twitter knows he hates the social website

Heaven? Floating about with everyone you ever knew for eternity, My family does me 'ed in after one day at Christmas. I'd rather be mush - Karl Pilkington on heaven

I'm not tired. I don't breathe enough - Karl after being asked why he yawned

I was watching the news and it got a bit heavy.... I ended up reading about this mouse with an ear on its back

If your brain was in your foot it would take you ages to say anything

Suzanne caught me trying to cook sauages in the toaster once

There's these fish that I've read about. They're so see-through that they're invisible, so I don't even think they know they exist - Whilst in the Amazon jungle in an episode of An Idiot Abroad



There was a fella outside our house who hit a lamppost. He had a helmet on but his head came off

Well I'm trying to think what I put in... I think I put in "Why" to see if it would confuse the computer

It worries me that we've got all this goin' on in the body and the skin's keeping it in place

Normally you can't hear your own voice because you're talking over it

I have been in my body for years

You can't hold your breath to death

There was a ship so big it had rough areas on it

Anteaters can move their tongue in and out 160 times in a minute. I did 148 last night so it's not that amazing



I have learnt that my brain isn't as interested in stuff as I am



I saw a bee have a heart attack....

I can't remember being a baby. I put that down to it being boring

No wonder there is 30 per cent less oxygen here. I think it’s due to all the tourists climbing this hill - Karl climbing up a hill in Peru in An Idiot Abroad

It’s like my Aunt Nora’s house – too many ornaments - On the Egyptian Museum in Cairo

The Elephant Man would never have gotten up and said 'Oh, God. Look at my hair today.'

Classes teaching you how to breathe. I'm 32, I think I've got the hang of it.

I know when I was a kid I ate a beetle. I ate a beetle because I thought it was licorice

I don't like fun

If you’re quite ugly and you’re sat facing someone who is pretty at work, who’s got the better deal?



I went all the way to Australia to swim with dolphins," explained Pilkington, "That's what I thought I picked on the list. Got in the cage ... shark - On an episode of An Idiot Abroad
 
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EagleSmack

EagleSmack

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Feb 16, 2005
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From Karrie... I think...from her grandmother...

"Mom I'm hungry..."
"There's a can of corn in the cabinet."
"Forget it."

Please correct me if I am wrong Karrie.
 
Blackleaf

Blackleaf

Hall of Fame Member
Oct 9, 2004
49,948
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Manchester United footballer Eric Cantona during a press conference in January 1995 after being convicted of assault after kung fu kicking an abusive Crystal Palace fan: "When the seagulls follow the trawler, it's because they think sardines will be thrown into the sea. Thank you very much."
*********************

Some new Karl Pilkingtonisms, from his latest TV series The Moaning of Life




"I'm really happy. I just don't choose to show it."
- At the beginning of the episode in which Karl travels the world to look at how people get happiness

"I've got to make sure the groom's hat's on straight. That's when you know an event's overstaffed."
- Having to look after the groom at an Indian wedding

"If I had five photos of anuses I could not point mine out".
"I've got a fat head. There's nothing I can do about it."
- Karl after receiving a bit of beauty treatment in LA



"People say having kids is life changing. Well, that doesn't necessarily mean a good thing, does it? I could take one of my legs off. That would change my life."
- Karl on the episode where he travels the world looking at how different cultures raise children

"I'm surprised that I won the race to the egg. I'm not a good swimmer. If I was in there now I'd go 'Forget it. Let them go first.' "
- Karl after having sperm test in Japan



"12 hours on a plane, over 5,000 miles. All this way and you've got me licking fish."
- Karl not enjoying people told to eat sushi off a young woman in a South African nightclub

"My brain's just full of passwords."

"If there's one thing we haven't cracked yet in human civilisation, we've never been able to make a good wig. I wouldn't want a wig on me."
- Karl, in the episode where he travels the world looking at how different cultures deal with death, after helping to put make-up and a wig onto a dead elderly lady in Ghana in preparation for her funeral.

"I've never understood what pole dancing's about anyway. It's a waste of a good skill. Get into scaffolding or something."

"I don't cry. Water doesn't leave my head. I've got loads of gob. That's how water leaves me. It's not out of my eyes."
- Karl meeting a professional mourner in Japan in the death episode

 
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Blackleaf

Blackleaf

Hall of Fame Member
Oct 9, 2004
49,948
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We have always found the Irish a bit odd. They refused to be English.
- Winston Churchill
**********************

Lady Nancy Astor: Winston, if you were my husband, I'd poison your tea.
Churchill: Nancy, if I were your husband, I'd drink it.
********************

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
- Oscar Wilde​
 
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