Jealousy - what do you think of it?

[Vereya]

I mean jealousy in a relationship. I am a very jealous person, though I have learned not to show that, and not to cause trouble for others, but I feel it nevertheless, and I do realize just how much unpleasantness this feeling brings to me. The funny thing is that I don't actually mind if my partner has occasional sex with someone else, I really don't, but the thought that he might be spending time with another woman, talking to her, sharing some interests that he doesn't share with me, making some plans together with her, just drives me crazy sometimes.
I've been trying to analyze the nature of this feeling, and I can't come to a definite decision. Why do we feel jealous? Is it the lack of self-confidence? Or is it the lack of trust? Is it loving too much and fearing to loose a person? Or is it just being too possessive?
And how do we deal with a problem like that?
Your opinions?..

 

[Curiosity]

Vereya

I call jealousy the petit insanity and is based on insecurity within your situation.

You would agree if you sat in on the battered men and women group I meet with weekly. Apart from addiction - jealousy plays a major role in some of the most basic trouble we get into when we allow ourselves to become servants of this disabling force.

You are the only one who can remove yourself from the ugliness and urge of worthlessness in which you place yourself if you:

(a)Settle for someone else who sleeps around - notwithstanding you are up for 'sharing of disease' as well as love.

(b)Settle with the belief that you aren't worth a total commitment from a male you find attractive and are willing to keep yourself totally devoted to him alone.

Set your standards high Vereya - don't compromise yourself with men who have no control or desire to have commitment - the relationships go nowhere and if they do - are only temporary and filled with doubt and unhappiness. Hookers are available or women who enjoy sex with no strings with many guys...if a guy bases his friendships on sex.

There are many relationships based on friendship - don't always read permanent into them - enjoy the friend for who he is and what he enjoys which you can share - but sharing your body is a whole other relationship. Very few long term relationships can be based on sexuality alone. There really are men out there looking for a stable woman to enjoy having compaionship and sex with, in a monogamous and respecting way. They are beautiful if you find one. Magnificent males.

You are worth more - and until you believe that - you will always feel second hand and allow yourself to be treated that way.

 

[Zzarchov]

Now, maybe im misreading her point...

But the OP was talking about not caring about sex as a defining portion of a relationship (just a physical act), its the emotional relationships ("just friends" or not) that matter. Its the strong emotional bond (as strong or stronger than with her) that bring her jealousy whether or not there is sex.

Maybe Im wrong though, it came off to me as caring about being the no one in someones heart, not where they mash groins togethor.

 

[Curiosity]

Zzarchov

Good point - I read sex into most things - my nemesis....

I'll re-read the OP and think on your view....interesting...but so is Vereya... a very interesting woman...

 

[Sal]

I agree with Zzarchov.

Vereya I do not want my man sleeping with another woman BUT if he had a one night stand it would not end us. On the other hand if he had a female "friend" that he kept running to on regular basis I would be some kinda ticked. My guy does have female friends. One in particular that was his best friend before us.

I am not a jealous person but I am cautious. When he first spoke of meeting her for coffee I was deeply apprehensive. Years later, I don't care. I can tell that I am his primary friend and that's all that matters with me.

I think there are two issues here intimacy and trust. You want to be his "first, last and always" at least for now (since I don't know your relationship and where you want it to head) and trust.

I don't think you can love another human being too much. But you can invest too much in them, more than you know you should. And that's where trust enters. Trust to me is about self love. The person who you must be able to trust at all times is yourself not him. And maybe that is what you are struggling with. Maybe your gut is telling you to step back a bit (jealousy) and protect yourself a bit more. Maybe you are sensing that you are giving away more power than this other person has shown they deserve. When we put ourselves first and know we can trust ourselves to handle the situation we have put ourselves in, then we feel confident. When we feel weak and are struggling we need to step back a bit and figure out what is going on.

 

[china]

Good luck Vereya ,China.

 

[Curiosity]

Ha China

I loved it!!! So China !!!

Oy China...where is your pearls of wisdom go???

Come back here you....

 

[Curiosity]

Sal....well done....especially the last bit which I am quoting here.....

I don't think you can love another human being too much. But you can invest too much in them, more than you know you should. And that's where trust enters. Trust to me is about self love. The person who you must be able to trust at all times is yourself not him. And maybe that is what you are struggling with. Maybe your gut is telling you to step back a bit (jealousy) and protect yourself a bit more. Maybe you are sensing that you are giving away more power than this other person has shown they deserve. When we put ourselves first and know we can trust ourselves to handle the situation we have put ourselves in, then we feel confident. When we feel weak and are struggling we need to step back a bit and figure out what is going on.

It is all to do with self and not what others do TO us. Beautifully written. I'll toast you with my decaf!!

 

[china]

Ha China

I loved it!!! So China !!!

Oy China...where is your pearls of wisdom go???

Come back here you....


Here I am ...looking for the pearls of wisdom.Good to here from you Curiosity.

 

[Ariadne]

I mean jealousy in a relationship. I am a very jealous person, though I have learned not to show that, and not to cause trouble for others, but I feel it nevertheless, and I do realize just how much unpleasantness this feeling brings to me. The funny thing is that I don't actually mind if my partner has occasional sex with someone else, I really don't, but the thought that he might be spending time with another woman, talking to her, sharing some interests that he doesn't share with me, making some plans together with her, just drives me crazy sometimes.
I've been trying to analyze the nature of this feeling, and I can't come to a definite decision. Why do we feel jealous? Is it the lack of self-confidence? Or is it the lack of trust? Is it loving too much and fearing to loose a person? Or is it just being too possessive?
And how do we deal with a problem like that?
Your opinions?..

Jealousy is not a natural emotion, it is something you learned. You most likely started off with complete trust, but somewhere along the way that trust was betrayed. At that point you had two choices: bail or put up. If you chose to put up, then from that point on you will have experienced insecurities in the relationship, including jealousy. Once you've learned to feel insecure or jealous, you run the risk of carrying it from relationship to relationship ... depending on whether you had the feelings for 1 month or 10 years. That's my 2C

 

[Sal]

Sal....well done....especially the last bit which I am quoting here.....



It is all to do with self and not what others do TO us. Beautifully written. I'll toast you with my decaf!!

Thanks Curiosity. I'll toast you back with my 1/2 decaf... It's taken me a while to figure that out. Makes life easier once you do. Let's us take full responsiblity for ourselves which is very empowering. Of course it also puts the onus on us for almost everything.

 

[Sal]

Oops...pressed post too quickly I also wanted to say I think your line here:

You are the only one who can remove yourself from the ugliness and urge of worthlessness in which you place yourself if you:

Is going in the same direction as what I said. Basically when it comes down to point zero, we must always look to ourselves.

 

[Curiosity]

Sal

Agreed - putting the onus on ourselves also puts us in control of how we react, and if we react badly it gives us an opportunity to sort it out rather than continuing to have insecurities by giving that power to other people.

You said it way better!!! I tend to get bogged down in words.

 

[karrie]

Hmmm... interesting OP Vereya.

What is jealousy exactly? To boil it down super simply, jealousy is our desire to have all the yummy, feel good stuff to ourselves. For women, spending time with someone, sharing all the cuddly chatty times, releases endorphins that then tie us to that person like a drug. For women, that's often more powerful than sex. Not wanting another woman to share that kind of link with your man is as natural as the process which links you in the first place, because another woman who shares that kind of 'addiction' to your man is a very real threat to the stability of the relationship.

Jealousy in that sense is an incredibly natural reaction, and is a sign of how much the relationship matters to you. While a person shouldn't let it rule their lives, jealousy is a good thing!

The only time to start worrying about it is when it becomes ALL you feel in a relationship. At that point, you either need to change the nature of the relationship, or, get out all together.

 

[Nuggler]

Nah, Jealousy will get ya nowhere. Ain't worth it. Lot of work. This sleepin around thing just don't fly. Shows a lack of respect. You wanna be a doormat??

Find someone who absolutely loves, trusts, and respects you. Then there's no need for jealously.

You can look after them, and they, you. Pretty good idea, no?


:read2:Nuggly's free advice to the lovelorn............................:rollor, send money if ya want)

 

[Twila]

Jealousy, stupid green eyed monster...I hate it. Hate that I can feel such a strong emotion and logically know the basis for it is wrong. I hate the lack of self control it can bring when it rears it's ugly head. I hate the time it takes to control it.

 

[hermanntrude]

hatred's a bad emotion too. even hatred of another emotion, maybe?

jealousy... if you hate it, you've doubled the badness. Perhaps you should accept that your body conjours up the feeling and try to adjust your actions accordingly.

I don't think one can remove jealousy from your emotional makeup.

 

[Twila]

CRAP! now I've doubled the badness! Gawd, i'm disliking both of these emotions....

yeah, I have some issues with control...dislike not being able to control how I feel when it's bad feelings...

so..maybe some suggestions on how to manage such emotions? For the most part, in all honesty and at the end of the day I usually don't hate much. Except for jealousy......bad Twila bad....

 

[hermanntrude]

CRAP! now I've doubled the badness! Gawd, i'm disliking both of these emotions....

yeah, I have some issues with control...dislike not being able to control how I feel when it's bad feelings...

so..maybe some suggestions on how to manage such emotions? For the most part, in all honesty and at the end of the day I usually don't hate much. Except for jealousy......bad Twila bad....

dislike? well I say that's tripled it now

actually I don't honestly know much about controlling emotions. I don't really control mine, just contain them when necessary and know how to release them safely.

I honestly don't know if it's possible to prevent unwanted emotions from happening

 

[hermanntrude]

if i have a particularly bad one i generally seek out its source