Alors, le compromise M. Barnier - nous parlons le Brexit talks en franglais, OK?

Blackleaf

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When French President François Hollande said this week “if Madame Theresa May wants a hard Brexit, then talks will be hard too” he wasn’t kidding. They’re going to conducted in bloody French! At least, they will if the EU’s chief Brexit negotiator Michel Barnier gets his way - he’s apparently requested that the talks are conducted in his native tongue, sending outraged British officials scurrying back to their Tricolore textbooks...

Alors, le compromise M. Barnier - nous parlons le Brexit talks en franglais, OK?


Phil Clarke
21 October 2016
The Telegraph


Former EU commissioner Michel Barnier, appointed to lead the Brexit negotiations with Britain Credit: JOHN THYS/AFP/GETTY IMAGES


When French President François Hollande said this week “if Madame Theresa May wants a hard Brexit, then talks will be hard too” he wasn’t kidding. They’re going to conducted in bloody French! At least, they will if the EU’s chief Brexit negotiator Michel Barnier gets his way - he’s apparently requested that the talks are conducted in his native tongue, sending outraged British officials scurrying back to their Tricolore textbooks.

As someone who has asked "Où -est la piscine à​ La Rochelle? on multiple occasions, I am keeping an eye on my phone because I’m pretty sure that the Brexit department will be in touch requesting my expertise any time now. My French GCSE C-grade has been waiting for a moment like this.


A Frenchman's favourite delicacy Credit: John Robertson/-

Here’s my how-to guide for the Brexit team. Take it or leave it, BoJo.

1. Speak LOUDLY and SLOWLY

The time-honoured way to engage any foreigner is to RAISE YOUR VOICE AND SAY ONE. WORD. AT. A. TIME, lest they get their culottes in a twist. When it comes to delicately negotiating trade tariffs, a gentle ANOTHER. BOTTLE. OF. THAT. GARCON is a handy aside. Intersperse with a few expletives in English, and at least one comment about how things work much better in London.



2. Wave your arms

The other month, I was trying to explain to the Hertz Car man at Toulouse Airport that we didn’t need the Damage Waiver Insurance as it was "dans la carte de credit, pas de need it, mate". I have some simple advice for David Davis and the Brexit team if they reach an impasse - look them in the eye, and start waving your arms. Wave them like a crazy demented windmill. They’ll fall into line and, if you’re luckier than me, they might not notice the cracked wing mirror.

3. Bring a phrasebook


Voulez-vous danser avec moi, mademoiselle? Credit: Via BloominLuvly, Etsy.com

If shouting til you’re blue in the face and gesticulating like an octopus in a vacuum cleaner doesn’t quite convey the right message to Monsieur Barnier, then bring out the big guns: the English-Français phrase book. Every house has a battered copy somewhere. Admittedly, Collins have yet to publish the definitive international treaty edition, but there's loads of helpful stuff in my version to get to get the British team started: “Voudriez-vous danser avec moi?” (would you like to dance with me?), “Ce monsieur va tout payer” (the gentleman will pay for everything), “Laisse-moi tranquille!” (leave me alone!).

4. Remind them it's Trafalgar Day


Hero of the day Credit: -/Wikipedia Commons

If nothing else works, fall back on a thousand years of fraternité. The English and the French have a long history of ironing things out. From Agincourt to Waterloo we’ve been diplomatically coming to agreements since 1066. It might be lost on Barnier, but October 21 is Trafalgar Day: perhaps someone needs to remind him?

There is a serious point in all this, though. It’s decades since any British trade deals were negotiated. It’s not that we’re rusty; we threw away the machinery decades ago. Furthermore, we’re up against a Continent of multi-lingual professional negotiators. The EU do this with their eyes shut. Britain has reached out to the Commonwealth for help, but confronting matters head-on is unlikely to play to our native strengths.


V for Very close to Brexit now Credit: -/AFP/Getty Images

Historically, we've prevailed through our ingenuity and cunning. To return to the somewhat tedious jingoism, Agincourt was won by English technology and outsmarting the French; Waterloo sealed by an ability to form temporary alliances and good intelligence. If we are to succeed in the high temple of the Eurocrats in Brussels, itself just a stone’s throw from Waterloo, we aren’t going to get anywhere by fighting on their terms. Boris’s idol Churchill knew only too well that the unconventional approach, the spark of genius inspiration in a tight spot, is how the British can overcome the odds.

Just as long as it’s not done in French. Then we’re sunk.

Alors, le compromise M. Barnier - nous parlons le Brexit talks en franglais, OK?
 

Machjo

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Do what they do in Canada's Parliament where the compatriots at Canada's highest House stick earphones in their ears to understand each other as if they were state ambassadors at the UN General Assembly. Even our Cabinet ministers don't share a common language with a few unilingual English ones and a unilingual French one.
 
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Blackleaf

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Do what they do in Canada's Parliament where the compatriots of Canada's highest House stick earphones in their ears to understand each other as if they were state ambassadors at the UN General Assembly. Even our Cabinet ministers don't share a common language with a few unilingual English ones and a unilingual French one.

Or do what what Britain has done and tell the EU to "F*ck off":

Mais non, monsieur! PM slaps down EU's Brexit chief after he demands that UK officials speak FRENCH during negotiations

Michel Barnier said to want French as 'working language' in Brexit talks

French ex-foreign minister was controversial choice as chief negotiator

English is routinely used as main language in Brussels business

By James Tapsfield, Political Editor For Mailonline
22 October 2016

Theresa May has slapped down the EU's lead Brexit negotiator after he signalled all talks should be carried out in French.

Michel Barnier is said to have demanded that his native tongue be the 'working language' during the fraught process.

The extraordinary suggestion risks further inflaming tensions between the UK and the EU.


Michel Barnier is said to be calling for French to be the 'working language' in the looming Brexit talks


Theresa May, seen arriving at the EU summit in Brussels today, has been on the receiving end of tough talk from couterparts

But speaking at a press conference at the close of a fraught EU summit, Mrs May insisted the UK would not be dictated to.

Asked about the report, the PM said: 'We will conduct the negotiations in the way that is going to make sure that we get the right deal for the United Kingdom.'

Mrs May said it was up to the 27 other countries in the EU 'how they are going to conduct' their negotiations.

'But we will continue to play our role as I have done today. I can assure you I haven't been backwards in coming forwards on issues,' she said.

Downing Street sources made clear that the talks will not be held in French.

German Chancellor Angela Merkel said there was no official language for the Brexit talks and 'everybody is allowed to speak their own language'.

Mr Barnier wrote on Twitter: 'Never expressed myself on negotiation language. Work as often in English as French. Linguistic regime to be set at start; to be agreed between negotiators.'

An EU spokeswoman said: 'This will be agreed upon at the beginning of the negotiations - after receiving the Article 50 notification - and in common agreement with the negotiators.'

Mrs May received a cool reception at her first summit in Brussels, with the bloc's leaders queuing up to signal there would be no concessions.

She was given just five minutes in the early hours of the morning at a working dinner to set out her approach to the process.

Asked about the PM's intervention today, EU commission president Jean-Claude Juncker shrugged his shoulders and made a 'pfff' noise.

Former EU commissioner Lord Hill warned today that European politicians were 'emotional' about Brexit and could insist on tough terms even if it meant 'self harm'.

Mr Barnier, a French ex-foreign minister, was a controversial choice by EU commission president Jean-Claude Juncker to run the negotiations.

A source told Reuters: 'Barnier wants French to be the working language in Brexit negotiations with Britain.'

An EU spokeswoman stressed this was not an official line, saying: 'There is no language regime for the negotiations.'

Using French would be a shift away from standard practice among multinational teams in Brussels.

French lost its status to English as the EU's main working language after northern and eastern states joined in the past two decades.

Even officials from the EU's founding powers France and Germany now communicate with each other mainly in English.

Many British diplomats in Brussels are fluent in French but ministers and Whitehall officials share with their fellow Britons the distinction of being among the poorest linguists in Europe.

PFFF! FEISTY EU COMMISSION CHIEF JEAN-CLAUDE JUNCKER SCOFFS AT QUESTIONS FROM BRITISH REPORTER

An irritated Jean-Claude Juncker clashed with a British reporter in Brussels today as he was asked about his face-to-face meeting with Theresa May today.

A BBC journalist asked how his dinner with the British Prime Minister had gone last night but the European Commission president scoffed as he replied: 'We had no special event with Theresa May yesterday, she was explaining what her intentions are.

'I will have lunch with her and then we'll see what has to happen.'

Pressed on what he had discussed with Mrs May, a visibly irritated Mr Juncker asked: 'Are you the British Prime Minister?'

The feisty exchange reflected the tense atmosphere in Brussels as Mrs May attended her first EU summit as Prime Minister
.


Theresa May - pictured greeting EU commission president Jean-Claude Juncker in Brussels today - has dismissed the reported demand by Mr Barnier


German Chancellor Angela Merkel, pictured today, said there was no official language for the Brexit talks and 'everybody is allowed to speak their own language'


Theresa May slapped down the EU's lead Brexit negotiator after he signalled all talks should be carried out in French

Other officials involved in preparing for Brexit said they were unaware of Mr Barnier proposing to use mainly French.

But some have said his task force, currently 15 staff and no Britons, has been conversing mainly in French.

The appointment of Mr Barnier, who speaks fluent English, was branded an 'act of war' by some commentators.

As an EU commissioner until 2014, the 65-year-old had a difficult relationship with London, as he sought to tighten regulation of Britain's dominant financial services industry.

Meanwhile the Canadian delivered a damning assessment of the EU today, describing it as 'incapable' of striking international trade deals after talks collapsed over the landmark Ceta trade deal.

The Belgian region of Wallonia refused to sign up to the deal, claiming it threatened farmers and welfare standards and remarkably, its objection could jeopardise the entire Ceta deal.

Canadian trade minister Chrystia Freeland angrily lashed out at the EU today, telling Belgian TV: 'It seems obvious to me, to Canada, that the European Union is incapable now of having an international agreement, even with a country with such European values as Canada.'

The problems could spell trouble for Britain as some ministers had hoped the UK could piggyback onto the Ceta deal once it leaves the EU.

But Theresa May said today that she was 'not looking to adopt a model that another country has' in Brexit negotiations.

She said: 'Obviously we have got negotiations ahead... those negotiations will take time, as I say, there will be some difficult moments, it will need some give and take but I'm optimistic that we can achieve a deal that is right for the UK because I actually think the deal that is right for the UK will also be right for the European Union.'


Theresa May was asked about Mr Barnier's call for negotiations to take place in French as she gave a press conference in Brussels today

EU 'INCAPABLE' OF STRIKING TRADE DEALS, SAYS CANADA AFTER BREAKDOWN IN TALKS

The EU is 'incapable' of striking international trade deals, the Canadian government said today after talks collapsed over a landmark agreement.

Canadian trade minister Chrystia Freeland delivered the damning assessment after a Belgian region refused to sign up to the Canada-EU trade deal, claiming it threatened farmers and welfare standards.

Remarkably, the objection from the Wallonia region in Belgium could jeopardise the entire Ceta deal.

A furious Ms Freeland, who walked out of talks today, told Belgian TV:'It seems obvious to me, to Canada, that the European Union is incapable now of having an international agreement, even with a country with such European values as Canada.'

The problems could spell trouble for Britain as some ministers had hoped the UK could piggyback onto the Ceta deal once it leaves the EU.

But Theresa May said today that she was 'not looking to adopt a model that another country has' in Brexit negotiations.

She said: 'Obviously we have got negotiations ahead... those negotiations will take time, as I say, there will be some difficult moments, it will need some give and take but I'm optimistic that we can achieve a deal that is right for the UK because I actually think the deal that is right for the UK will also be right for the European Union.'

 

Blackleaf

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Let's Parler Brexit. It's the only lingo they understand! RICHARD LITTLEJOHN imagines negotiations being carried out in Franglais

By Richard Littlejohn for the Daily Mail
28 October 2016

The most bizarre attempt yet to derail Britain’s departure from the European Union is the demand that we should be forced to conduct Brexit talks in French.

While this might suit Paris, and the Walloonatic bit of Belgium, I can’t see how it would benefit the other 25 member states, who don’t speak French but are perfectly comfortable conversing in English.

Fortunately, we have available a perfect compromise — a lingua franca, so to speak — which should satisfy both France and our own negotiating team.

Back in the Seventies, the late Miles Kington — whose brilliant columns adorned Punch magazine, The Times and the Independent — invented a hybrid language called Franglais.


The hybrid language Franglais could prove invaluable during the first round of proper Brexit negotiations, writes Richard Littlejohn

It’s a cross between schoolboy French and colloquial English, inspired by the hilariously embarrassing attempts of our federast former Prime Minister Grocer Heath to address our European ‘partners’ en Francais.

If you remember the Rolling Stones bassist Bill Wyman’s solo single (Si Si) Je Suis Un Rock Star, or Del Boy’s mangled French phrases in Only Fools And Horses, you get the general idea.

Franglais could prove invaluable during the first round of proper negotiations between the British delegation, led by Theresa May, and the EU Commission, headed by Jean-Claude Drunker. So, mesdames and messieurs, Let’s Parler Brexit...


THERESA: Willkommen, bienvenue, welcome. Nous avez venir a Bruxelles pour le formal triggering de Article Cinquante.

DRUNKER: Ou est Appelle-Moi Dave?

THERESA: Il est kaput. Pain brun. Mort dans le water. Appelle-Moi Dave tombee sur his sword apres losing le referendum. Il etait dernier seen manger un sac de pommes frites sur le front de la mer dans Cornwall.

DRUNKER: Et qui est vous, cherie?

THERESA: Je ne suis pas Cherie, la Wicked Witch, vous imbecile. Je m’appelle Theresa May, la Prime Ministre de Royaume Uni.

DRUNKER: Nul points.

THERESA: Pardon?

DRUNKER: Royaume Uni, nul points. Geddit? Vous etes toujours losers dans le Eurovision Contest de Chanson et aussi in these negociations. Vous will ne gettez pas un saucisson out de nous, pet.

THERESA: Je ne suis pas some dopey oiseau, matey. Je suis la nouvelle Iron Lady — La Dame de Fer. Vous etes heading pour un right handbagging, si vous n’etes pas careful.

DRUNKER: So, vous etait une Brexiteer passionnelle?

THERESA: Non, actuellement, je voted Remain.

DRUNKER: Then comment avez-vous become Prime Ministre, si vous etait sur le losing side?

THERESA: Funny vieux jeu, Saint.

DRUNKER: Et qui sont these trois likely garcons avec vous? Huey, Looey et Dewey — les nephews de Donald Duck? Comme appropriate, since le referendum campaign etait all Mickey Mouse.

THERESA: Watchez-it, Monsieur Drunker. David Davis ici etait dans le SAS reservists. Il n’aime pas les fromage manger surrender monkeys.

DRUNKER: Je suis Luxembourger, madam, pas Francais.

THERESA: Meme difference. Et what avais Luxembourg ever done pour us? Radio Luxembourg donnez nous Jimmy Savile et regarder where that ended up. Meme avec Belgique: Hercule Poirot, Plastique Bertrand and milles de jihadists Islamique, c’est what.

DRUNKER: Qui sont ces autre deux geezers?

THERESA: Permittez-moi de presenter, Liam Reynard et Boris Johnson. Avec Monsieur Davis, ils sont Les Trois Brexiteers, comme le livre par Alexandre Dumas.

DRUNKER: Plus comme le movie avec Oliver Reed, Raquel Welch et Spike Milligan, je pense. Nous avons entendu de Bonking Boris, le swordsman formidable. Un veritable D’Artagnan. La Raquel, top totty, eh Boris? Phwoarr!


Perhaps Theresa May could take a leaf out of Sir Edward Heath's book when talking to French-speaking delegates

THERESA: Cette est quite enough de cette, monsieur. Avez-vous been drinking?

DRUNKER: Un digestif avec mon petit dejeuner, et un modeste armagnac or deux avec mon cafe, c’est tout. Vous avez un problemo?

Votre Nigel Farage aime un boissant, aussi. Le Nige buvez comme un poisson. J’ai vu lui dans le bar a Bruxelles as piste comme un perroquet.

THERESA: Il n’est pas mon Farage, monsieur. Il est un Petit Englander. Je represent la Grande Bretagne ouvert pour business and bienvenue a tout le monde apres Brexit.

DRUNKER: Desirez-vous un Brexit fort or un Brexit soft?

THERESA: Vous make it sound comme un choice between papiers de toilette. Brexit means Brexit. Nous demandons controle de notre borders, notre laws et access a la marche single.

DRUNKER: Vous etes having un laugh, missus.

THERESA: Je vous assure, monsieur, je suis deadly serieux.

DRUNKER: Si vous etes serieux about being ouvert et bienvenue, pourquoi vous ne acceptez pas le libre de mouvement?

THERESA: Parce-que le British people est sick et fatigue of les migrants qui prenez le mickey.

DRUNKER: Pour instance?

THERESA: Pour instance les so-called ‘enfants’ nous agreed to acceptez from le Jungle en Calais recentement. Demi of them looked at least vingt ans, pour un basis de negociation. Ils avons thick barbes et cheveux gris. Un bloke etait trente huit, pour le sake de Dieu.

DRUNKER: Il est simplement grand pour son age. C’est l’effect of la guerre.

THERESA: N’est pas la guerre, mais il est magnifique bloody cheek. Le premier thing que il fait on arrivee a Croydon etait demander to bring his wife and seven kids to join lui en Britain. Il dit que il est son yuman droits a une famille life under le Convention Europeene.

DRUNKER: Un case isole.

THERESA: Cobbleurs. Le majorite n’est pas le seekers après asylum. Ils sont les migrants economiques.

DRUNKER: Quelle est wrong avec that?

THERESA: Rien, si ils sont kosher. Nous avons pas de problemes avec les plombiers Polonais, les waitresses Espanyol, les medecins sans frontiers, les scientists de rockets, ou les merchant banquiers de la France. Mais nous can live sans les pick-poches Romanian; les gangsters Albanian; les welfare scroungers et benefits touristes assorti; les warlords Africain; et tout les gyppos camping dans le underpass a la Parc de Hyde.

DRUNKER: Si vous n’acceptez pas le libre de mouvement, vous ne gettez pas l’access a la marche single.

THERESA: Tres bien. En that case, les voitures BMW, Audi et Mercedes; les vins et fromages Francais; les huile d’olive Italien; in fact, tout les produits de la EU sera subject to un grand import tariff en le Royaume Uni.

DRUNKER: Mais le Royaume Uni n’est pas Uni. What about Ecosse? Petit Burney dit que elle desirer restez dans le EU.

THERESA: Bon chance avec that, vieux fils. Ecosse est un case du basket. Vous desirez un autre Greece sur votre hands?

DRUNKER: Maintenant vous mention it, non pas particulierement, merci beaucoup.


Mrs May, left, and EU Commission President Jean-Claude Juncker will lead negotiations around Brexit for their respective sides

(Entrer Frau Angela Merkin)

THERESA: Bonjour, Angela.

ANGELA: Guten tag, Theresa. Ich liebe votres chaussures. Heels de kitten, n’est pas?

THERESA: Oui, ja, merci, danke schoen.

ANGELA: Tres joli. Tres chic.

THERESA: Elles sont peu de leopard from Russell et Bromley dans la Rue du Bond en Londres. J’ai achetee dix pairs. Il y a un sale en a la moment. Ils donnez moi un special discount.

ANGELA: Pensez-vous ils donnez-moi la meme deal?

THERESA: Pas probleme. Le directeur managing est un personal ami de mon. Et une grande benefit de Brexit est le tombe in le value de la pound. Vous gettez much more bang for votre euros right maintenant. Business est booming.

ANGELA: Time pour un visite de state, je pense.

THERESA: Parfait. Meet moi dans le restaurant en Fortnum & Mason et nous can sort out Brexit over une nice tasse de the.

ANGELA: Tres bon. Sehr gut. Et un slice de gateau de Battenburg, peut etre?

THERESA: Absolument, Angela. Let’s Parler Brexit!
 
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Murphy

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The Brits truly are stupid. You'd think they' recognize a negotiation play when they saw it.

Ignore the request. Stop being drama queens. Grow up. It will be so nice when they shut down that island. What a bunch of whiny fukks.
 

Blackleaf

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I'll have to look it up.

The word "Anglais" in your sentence is masculine plural, therefore the adjective has to take the masculine plural form - "retardés."

not like I'm gonna take the word of a retard

Not even one who got an A grade GCSE for French and who then went on to study it at college?
 

Blackleaf

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It's hard to believe that the Brits don't understand the concept of translators.

Eurocrats tend not to use translators. All EU business is usually conducted in English - the world's lingua franca - and not a minor, declining language like French.

Even British schools are stopping teaching French now because French, like France, is in rapid decline and not seen as that important anymore. More schools are teaching Chinese instead.

I'm sure Monsieur Barnier is just being your typical petulant Frenchman.
 

Tecumsehsbones

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The word "Anglais" in your sentence is masculine plural, therefore the adjective has to take the masculine plural form - "retardés."



Not even one who got an A grade GCSE for French and who then went on to study it at college?
Being the smartest retard on the short bus looks real good. But only on the short bus.
 

Murphy

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And typical, ignorant, whiny Brits. The whole island needs to grow up. You bow to others now. You owe the French and the Muslims both.
 

Blackleaf

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You owe the French and the Muslims both.

We don't owe the Frogs and the Muzzies anything.

As for Muzzies, the Frogs have far more of them than we do, and it wasn't Britain which suffered 234 deaths at the hands of Muzzies last year.
 

Murphy

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You cannot change your destiny. You have new taskmasters now. Be polite, and stop being so whiny.