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You'd be in serious trouble if your p enis looked like a deep-fried Mars bar. Time to whip yourself round to the nearest clap clinic pronto.

Fancy a deep-fried Mars bar?

There's nothing poncy about a Scottish erection. If there was, Scottish men would wear something under their kilts.

Life expectancy in Glasgow is lower than it is in Gaza and many parts of Africa. Fact. Men there can expect to live to 54. Needless to say, the Scots have Europe's highest rate of heart disease.

British cuisine. Best in the world.

The most dangerous fast food in the world is the Stonner. The deep-fried kebab. You can order it from Glasgow fish and chip shops. Each one has 1,000 calories. Again, man food. None of that poncy pancakes and maple syrup nonsense. The Scots even deep-fry chocolate bars.

Deep-fried haggis and soggy chips. Yummy. Man food.

Jesus. I'm only joking.

Yeah. Haggis. And in some areas of Scotland they'll even deep-fry your haggis if you so desire.

Traditional London pie and mash. You can't visit London - especially the true Cockney areas - without sampling it. You're thinking of that other delicacy eaten in Britain - haggis.

Two men enjoy jellied eels in a Whitechapel street on a Sunday morning BBC - London - History - London through a Lens

You kill eels and then throw them in the bin? What for? But I can't see what the problem is in eating fish. That's all eels are, except they are long.

Oh yeah. Definitely. Can't beat brain and entrails pie. It's certainly better eating all that fresh than having it all packed together and then eating it in a McDonald's burger.

What's wrong with fish? There's a lot of difference between eating a fish and eating a slimy mollusc.

Jellied eel has been a great delicacy in London for centuries, and there are shops dotted around London selling the great Cockney dish of jellied eel pie and mashed potato. But, for the first time, sales of jellied eels are now soaring elsewhere in the UK. Tesco has seen its jellied eel...

What is not commonly known is that Charles Darwin wasn't the only person to come up with the Theory of Evolution. His fellow British scientist Alfred Russel Wallace came up with the theory at the same time as Darwin, and both co-published their theory in 1858. Now, to mark 100 years since...

Have you ever wanted to travel back in time and wonder the streets of a town or city in a previous century? Now you can, thanks to a new video game. The 3D game has been developed by De Montfort University in Leicester and allows gamers to wander the tightly packed streets of London just...

So do I. It's much better than having a superhero who's a brown, kebab-eating maniac with curry breath and a six-foot-long mite-ridden beard who beheads anyone for insulting Islam before going home and stoning his wife to death.

I support it, too. We must all rise up against the creeping Islamisation of the West. The USA, Canada and Britain must remain white Protestant.

So they've got rid of the Black Widow and introduced the White Widow, Samantha Lewthwaite. As I've pointed out before, America is slowly being Islamicised, and this is just another part of that.