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You're married. And your husband has a Desert Eagle. Thank you kindly.

Them frat rats can get through 25 million cubic kilometres of ice before sunrise. My astronomy's a mite rusty, but I thought it was white dwarf (now), nova, red giant, red dwarf, and then neutron star.

Objection! Assumes facts not in evidence, to wit, the presence of a brain.

Study: Deaths rates rising in middle-aged whites By Mike Stobbe | AP November 2 NEW YORK — The U.S. death rate has been falling for decades, but researchers have detected one group in which the rates have been steadily ticking up — middle-aged white people. Suicides and deaths from drug...

You've never been to Greek Week at UVA.

We'll do it for the children.

Well, stop! Eagle and me're working on a way to monetize this! Save 'em up for when we start selling carbon debits. We'll cut you in.

This news could save VW. "We were trying to help all along!"

That's what I meant. "And if you buy our carbon debits, we'll burn leaves, old tires, and used motor oil to prevent an ice age!"

Maybe we should start our own alarmist group, and sell "carbon debits."

Feminist Germaine Greer still pummelled for ‘misogynistic views toward transwomen’ By Yanan WangNovember 3 As the debate over free speech on university campuses rages on, it appears that even radical feminists aren’t safe from the fray. Despite a petition with nearly 3,000 signatures from...

Clinton hung in, neither gained nor lost. Sanders did himself favors, looked considerably less like Doc Brown. O'Malley probably "won" in the sense of improving his position. Webb and Chaffee are toast.

I'm seeing it now. . . GENUINE CANADIAN HELPFUL DIRT It's helpful, eh? DIRECTIONS: 1. Rub on your body and in your hair daily. 2. Do not bathe or shower. 3. Delete your "Contacts" list.

Well. . . Canada has a reputation of being polite, friendly, and helpful. I'm seeing a business opportunity for y'all here.

Can we just use regular dirt?

A Seattle-area teacher has whipped up a controversy after she informed a five-year-old student that she wasn't allowed to wear a Denver Broncos dress on the school’s “Blue Friday.” The students at the elementary school, located in Tacoma, Wash., typically wear uniforms, but the...

This is Walter-level stupid. The article is long, but I posted it all for sheer comedy value. N.C. just prosecuted a teenage couple for making child porn — of themselves By Michael E. Miller September 21 Is it possible to sexually exploit one’s self? That question is one of many conundrums in...

Native American boy pulled from class over Mohawk haircut By Lindsey Bever September 19 Jakobe Sanden walked into his second-grade classroom with his backpack and a brand new Mohawk — a hairstyle, his father says, that represents Jakobe’s Native American roots. But it’s a symbol his...

The preparations are fairly extensive. The pentagram has to be geometrically perfect, and you need to boil the skulls you put the black candles on to remove every last scrap of flesh. I want those skulls clean enough to eat off of!

Harper, of course. The Source of All Evil.