American football is about as much fun as shooting yourself in the face, says The Telegraph's Michael Hogan...
11 reasons why the Super Bowl sucks
Why would anyone want to watch a four-and-a-half hour orgy of consumption where the rare glimpses of sporting action are tediously silly, asks Michael Hogan
Watching the Super Bowl is about as fun as shooting yourself in the face Photo: REUTERS
By Michael Hogan
31 Jan 2015
The Telegraph
1 Comment (Super Bowl fever doesn't seem to have gripped the nation)
1. It’s not a real sport
Basketball we like. Baseball’s kind of cool, even if it is basically rounders on steroids. But American football? Bah. Not only did it steal the name of our national game (causing all manner of “soccer” atrocities) but it’s stupid, brutal and the rules are baffling.
It’s nonsensical, camp, spandex-clad rugby. Or Michelin men playing British bulldog. Or the Eton Wall Game, only with more black kids.
The Eton Wall Game, 1956:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?x-yt-t...5114404&v=pRwJHzsLB98&feature=player_embedded
2. Americans like it
The one thing worse than an American is a fat-necked, beered-up American watching sport (see those duh-brains yelling “Geddindahole!” at the golf). The Super Bowl is the only match many will watch all year and the vast majority will have no stake in the result yet they’ll still get manically gung-ho - all fist-pumping, chest-bumping and berserker rage.
Most of all, they eat, drink and go to the loo. Super Bowl Sunday is the country’s second biggest day for food consumption after Thanksgiving. Obscene quantities of weak gassy lager, pizza, crisps, dips and buffalo wings get consumed, and there’s a massive strain on the sewage system as they all unleash it at half-time and full-time.
It’s like the X Factor Final with a bowel condition.
3. Yankophiles like it too
If there’s one thing worse than an American quacking on about “the big game”, it’s a Brit boring on about it from 5000 miles away. Particularly when, despite no obvious connection to the teams (sorry, “franchises”), they refer to New England Patriots or Seattle Seahawks as “us”.
Bad British NFL commentary:
Bad British NFL Commentary - YouTube
4. It goes on forever
Four-and-a-half hours, not including the interminable pre-match build-up or post-match festivities. The average NFL game consists of just 11 minutes of actual play and the rest is filler. The ball is “live” for, on average, four seconds each time.
People say cricket is boring but at least that features clapping and cake.
5. Superb Owl
The first time you heard this space-in-the-wrong-place joke - probably five years ago on Twitter, where the hashtag #superbowl makes it work - it was fairly amusing. Particularly when you pictured what a superb owl might look like: lustrous plumage, massive eyes, 360 degree swivelling head, bejewelled claws, beak made of cocaine etc. However, now it’s cracked all weekend long by every “wag” on social media.
Twit twoo? Twat twoo, more like.
6. The half-time show
In the good old days, this comprised a college marching band or two. Gradually it grew into a grotesque, overblown performance by a pompous rock/pop stadium act with a Greatest Hits CD to flog.
In 1993, Wacko Jacko took to the stage surrounded by 3,500 children. What could go wrong there? Occasionally something interesting happens *cough* Janet Jackson’s nip slip *splutter*. Most of the time, it totally doesn’t. This year, it’s the “dream team” of Katy Perry and Lenny Kravitz, which precisely nobody has been waiting to see.
Coldplay and Rihanna turned it down. Trufact.
7. The vulgar money stuff
If you think that Premier League football or Formula 1 is commercialised, The Super Bowl will make you soil your sweatpants. It’s a shameless, grotesque consumerist orgy disguised as a sporting event.
Host city Glendale (the glamour!) will turn into one giant sales conference for the weekend, while the game’s ebbs, flows and interminable delays allow TV networks to cut constantly to commercials.
Every nook, cranny and animated infographic will be sponsored, while big brands pay $4.5m for a 30-second slot in which to premiere their mega-budget, custom-made ads - which invariably feature celebrities, cloying patriotism, nauseating cutesyness and lowest common denominator slapstick in a bid to appeal to the broad (and shouty/drunk) captive audience.
8. Super Bowl parties
Tacky American-themed bars and committed Yankophiles will be hosting these hellish affairs on Sunday night. All they need is a widescreen TV, a few balloons, some cardboard-flavoured nachos and an absence of dignity.
There might even be some wazzock in your workplace on Monday ostentatiously yawning and willing you to ask him why, like a knuckle-dragging fratboy version of those film bores who stay up all night to watch the Oscars. “Cumberbatch was snubbed by the Academy!” “Manning was telegraphing his plays to the dee-fenz!”
Oh do shut up, both of you.
9. There isn’t even a bowl
They compete for the Vince Lombardi Trophy - which you couldn’t fill with fruit or soup if you tried. At least the FA Cup is an actual cup.
The Vince Lombardi Trophy: quite clearly not a bowl
10. Stupid people will probably call it “ex licks”
Despite the fact that 99pc of Americans don’t understand them, each Superbowl is known by its Roman numerals - this year’s being XLIX, the 49th. This tradition will get dumbed down next year for Super Bowl 50.
11. The Lingerie Bowl
For the last 11 years, the Lingerie Football League has held an annual championship play-off, aired on pay-per-view before the Super Bowl. This seven-a-side game between women in helmets, shoulder pads and “performance underwear” is sexist, degrading and outdated. It’s also an excuse to use a picture of it.
Meet the Los Angeles Temptation Lingerie Football League team
11 reasons why the Super Bowl sucks - Telegraph
11 reasons why the Super Bowl sucks
Why would anyone want to watch a four-and-a-half hour orgy of consumption where the rare glimpses of sporting action are tediously silly, asks Michael Hogan
Watching the Super Bowl is about as fun as shooting yourself in the face Photo: REUTERS
By Michael Hogan
31 Jan 2015
The Telegraph
1. It’s not a real sport
Basketball we like. Baseball’s kind of cool, even if it is basically rounders on steroids. But American football? Bah. Not only did it steal the name of our national game (causing all manner of “soccer” atrocities) but it’s stupid, brutal and the rules are baffling.
It’s nonsensical, camp, spandex-clad rugby. Or Michelin men playing British bulldog. Or the Eton Wall Game, only with more black kids.
The Eton Wall Game, 1956:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?x-yt-t...5114404&v=pRwJHzsLB98&feature=player_embedded
2. Americans like it
The one thing worse than an American is a fat-necked, beered-up American watching sport (see those duh-brains yelling “Geddindahole!” at the golf). The Super Bowl is the only match many will watch all year and the vast majority will have no stake in the result yet they’ll still get manically gung-ho - all fist-pumping, chest-bumping and berserker rage.
Most of all, they eat, drink and go to the loo. Super Bowl Sunday is the country’s second biggest day for food consumption after Thanksgiving. Obscene quantities of weak gassy lager, pizza, crisps, dips and buffalo wings get consumed, and there’s a massive strain on the sewage system as they all unleash it at half-time and full-time.
It’s like the X Factor Final with a bowel condition.
3. Yankophiles like it too
If there’s one thing worse than an American quacking on about “the big game”, it’s a Brit boring on about it from 5000 miles away. Particularly when, despite no obvious connection to the teams (sorry, “franchises”), they refer to New England Patriots or Seattle Seahawks as “us”.
Bad British NFL commentary:
Bad British NFL Commentary - YouTube
4. It goes on forever
Four-and-a-half hours, not including the interminable pre-match build-up or post-match festivities. The average NFL game consists of just 11 minutes of actual play and the rest is filler. The ball is “live” for, on average, four seconds each time.
People say cricket is boring but at least that features clapping and cake.
5. Superb Owl
The first time you heard this space-in-the-wrong-place joke - probably five years ago on Twitter, where the hashtag #superbowl makes it work - it was fairly amusing. Particularly when you pictured what a superb owl might look like: lustrous plumage, massive eyes, 360 degree swivelling head, bejewelled claws, beak made of cocaine etc. However, now it’s cracked all weekend long by every “wag” on social media.
Twit twoo? Twat twoo, more like.
6. The half-time show
In the good old days, this comprised a college marching band or two. Gradually it grew into a grotesque, overblown performance by a pompous rock/pop stadium act with a Greatest Hits CD to flog.
In 1993, Wacko Jacko took to the stage surrounded by 3,500 children. What could go wrong there? Occasionally something interesting happens *cough* Janet Jackson’s nip slip *splutter*. Most of the time, it totally doesn’t. This year, it’s the “dream team” of Katy Perry and Lenny Kravitz, which precisely nobody has been waiting to see.
Coldplay and Rihanna turned it down. Trufact.
7. The vulgar money stuff
If you think that Premier League football or Formula 1 is commercialised, The Super Bowl will make you soil your sweatpants. It’s a shameless, grotesque consumerist orgy disguised as a sporting event.
Host city Glendale (the glamour!) will turn into one giant sales conference for the weekend, while the game’s ebbs, flows and interminable delays allow TV networks to cut constantly to commercials.
Every nook, cranny and animated infographic will be sponsored, while big brands pay $4.5m for a 30-second slot in which to premiere their mega-budget, custom-made ads - which invariably feature celebrities, cloying patriotism, nauseating cutesyness and lowest common denominator slapstick in a bid to appeal to the broad (and shouty/drunk) captive audience.
8. Super Bowl parties
Tacky American-themed bars and committed Yankophiles will be hosting these hellish affairs on Sunday night. All they need is a widescreen TV, a few balloons, some cardboard-flavoured nachos and an absence of dignity.
There might even be some wazzock in your workplace on Monday ostentatiously yawning and willing you to ask him why, like a knuckle-dragging fratboy version of those film bores who stay up all night to watch the Oscars. “Cumberbatch was snubbed by the Academy!” “Manning was telegraphing his plays to the dee-fenz!”
Oh do shut up, both of you.
9. There isn’t even a bowl
They compete for the Vince Lombardi Trophy - which you couldn’t fill with fruit or soup if you tried. At least the FA Cup is an actual cup.
The Vince Lombardi Trophy: quite clearly not a bowl
10. Stupid people will probably call it “ex licks”
Despite the fact that 99pc of Americans don’t understand them, each Superbowl is known by its Roman numerals - this year’s being XLIX, the 49th. This tradition will get dumbed down next year for Super Bowl 50.
11. The Lingerie Bowl
For the last 11 years, the Lingerie Football League has held an annual championship play-off, aired on pay-per-view before the Super Bowl. This seven-a-side game between women in helmets, shoulder pads and “performance underwear” is sexist, degrading and outdated. It’s also an excuse to use a picture of it.
Meet the Los Angeles Temptation Lingerie Football League team
11 reasons why the Super Bowl sucks - Telegraph
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