Allah Akbar, my Muslim brothers (you Muslim sisters do not really count)!
It seems like only yesterday when I gave my 2009 Cairo address in which I extolled the virtues of the peace loving, tolerant, democratic, progressive religion of Islam and apologized for the many failures of omission and commission of the United States such as denying the people of Iraq the continued benign and gentle rule of the genial, peace loving and caring Saddam Hussein.
And since my Cairo speech I have done my level best to appease, err, I mean to accommodate my Muslim brothers by announcing in advance our surrender, err I mean withdrawal dates in Iraq and Afghanistan and moving troops out of those countries as quickly as we can do so, by pussy footing around Iran while treating the Israeli prime minister with all the warmth of a Siberian winter, by supporting every Arab Spring uprising in the Arab world no matter how dodgy some of these revolts looked to we outsiders, by continuing to pour billions of dollars of foreign aid into the coffers of Arab dictators without any real strings, and by continuing to provide special kid gloves treatment to Muslims not only in the Arab World but everywhere including at home in the United States.
But the recent uprisings in the Arab Street in Egypt and Libya and over twenty countries resulting in the deaths of four Americans and the destruction of millions of dollars of American assets have been upsetting to a lot of my fellow Americans. And if enough of them get upset enough, I may lose the November election which is the one thing that would really, really upset me.
So I have tried my best to paper over this crisis by blaming a film maker for it and apologizing to the Muslim World for this film (or, more accurately, for the 14 minute trailer because nobody including me has seen the actual film) and having the film maker arrested on trumped up parole violation charges and peddling the pathetic party line that the destruction of the US consulate in Benghazi and murder of the ambassador and three of his colleagues on the anniversary of 9/11 by a force armed with rockets and intimately familiar with the consulate was the work of a spontaneous mob of ordinary people reacting to some film they had never seen rather than the work of Al Qaeda or another terrorist group staging the first successful terrorist attack on American soil since 9/11. (You can’t count that massacre at Fort Hood because that was not really a terrorist attack by a Muslim extremist but simply violence in the workplace arising from some workplace dispute.)
However, it seems that thinking Americans understand that this was actually a successful terrorist strike and so my post-convention bounce in the polls has now vanished and I am even behind by a couple of points in the most comprehensive and accurate of these polls.
Even worse, today I have been informed that the anti-American violence in the Arab Street has spread to Pakistan and our embassy there is now in danger and the whole out of control situation may snowball even further throughout the Muslim World not just in the Middle East but in Africa and Asia.
I have bought a little time in that Jimmy Carter’s unemployed grandson has provided to the far left rag Mother Jones an unflattering cell phone recording of Mitt Romney talking honestly about the election campaign at what was supposed to be a private fund raiser of his supporters. What Romney said was essentially the truth but as most people and all Democrats know, the truth has no place in an election campaign. (This is why we have Debbie Wasserman Schultz as our party chair – hell, Debbie even lies about lying!)
But this latest Romney distraction from the issues that really count will only fool the undecided and the independents and anyone with a cursory knowledge of economics, finance and foreign policy for so long.
Therefore, effective immediately, I am initiating the following steps:
1. I am suspending the 1st amendment protecting free speech insofar as it concerns and applies to anything that might offend the religious sensibilities of Muslims. There is already a UN resolution that the Muslim bloc got passed some time ago which defends religions from ridicule and attack and we shall simply use the same language in our executive order suspending free speech as it applies to Islam.
2. I am widening our earlier directive that US embassy and consulate security staff not be equipped with live ammunition to direct that all military, security and all other personnel serving in our embassies and consulates abroad be unarmed so as not to offend Muslims by giving them the impression that we are some sort of occupying power. After all, it is not the power of our weapons but the power of our ideas that really counts.
3. I am hereby doubling our foreign aid to all Muslim countries. Some will say this adds tens of billions of dollars to our already gargantuan debt with no tangible benefits to the American people. But I am not now nor have I ever been particularly concerned with the federal debt. (Letterman must have been surprised last night when I confessed on his show that I didn`t know exactly what the debt had been when I took office in 2009. Good thing he isn`t a newsman and that he is totally in the tank for me or he would have followed this up with a question and I`d have been in hot water with that slip of the tongue.) What I am concerned about is winning in November and if apologizing to, appeasing and bribing the Muslim world will get the job done it will be well worth it (at least to me, your mileage may vary).
4. Earlier today, I suspended all joint military exercises between American and Afghanistan armed forces and now I announce that we shall double the speed of our troop withdrawal in Afghanistan, declare victory and speed up the hand over, err, the negotiations with the Taliban there.
5. Finally, I apologize again for the US and its many sins and specifically for the toxic chemicals on American flags which were ingested and led to the death of an Egyptian man who set one of our flags on fire during a demonstration at our Cairo embassy. I have directed that henceforth more demonstrator- friendly and less toxic chemicals be used and have ordered the arrest of the flag manufacturer on charges of endangering public safety.
Allah Akbar, everybody, did I mention I was born and raised as a Muslim
It seems like only yesterday when I gave my 2009 Cairo address in which I extolled the virtues of the peace loving, tolerant, democratic, progressive religion of Islam and apologized for the many failures of omission and commission of the United States such as denying the people of Iraq the continued benign and gentle rule of the genial, peace loving and caring Saddam Hussein.
And since my Cairo speech I have done my level best to appease, err, I mean to accommodate my Muslim brothers by announcing in advance our surrender, err I mean withdrawal dates in Iraq and Afghanistan and moving troops out of those countries as quickly as we can do so, by pussy footing around Iran while treating the Israeli prime minister with all the warmth of a Siberian winter, by supporting every Arab Spring uprising in the Arab world no matter how dodgy some of these revolts looked to we outsiders, by continuing to pour billions of dollars of foreign aid into the coffers of Arab dictators without any real strings, and by continuing to provide special kid gloves treatment to Muslims not only in the Arab World but everywhere including at home in the United States.
But the recent uprisings in the Arab Street in Egypt and Libya and over twenty countries resulting in the deaths of four Americans and the destruction of millions of dollars of American assets have been upsetting to a lot of my fellow Americans. And if enough of them get upset enough, I may lose the November election which is the one thing that would really, really upset me.
So I have tried my best to paper over this crisis by blaming a film maker for it and apologizing to the Muslim World for this film (or, more accurately, for the 14 minute trailer because nobody including me has seen the actual film) and having the film maker arrested on trumped up parole violation charges and peddling the pathetic party line that the destruction of the US consulate in Benghazi and murder of the ambassador and three of his colleagues on the anniversary of 9/11 by a force armed with rockets and intimately familiar with the consulate was the work of a spontaneous mob of ordinary people reacting to some film they had never seen rather than the work of Al Qaeda or another terrorist group staging the first successful terrorist attack on American soil since 9/11. (You can’t count that massacre at Fort Hood because that was not really a terrorist attack by a Muslim extremist but simply violence in the workplace arising from some workplace dispute.)
However, it seems that thinking Americans understand that this was actually a successful terrorist strike and so my post-convention bounce in the polls has now vanished and I am even behind by a couple of points in the most comprehensive and accurate of these polls.
Even worse, today I have been informed that the anti-American violence in the Arab Street has spread to Pakistan and our embassy there is now in danger and the whole out of control situation may snowball even further throughout the Muslim World not just in the Middle East but in Africa and Asia.
I have bought a little time in that Jimmy Carter’s unemployed grandson has provided to the far left rag Mother Jones an unflattering cell phone recording of Mitt Romney talking honestly about the election campaign at what was supposed to be a private fund raiser of his supporters. What Romney said was essentially the truth but as most people and all Democrats know, the truth has no place in an election campaign. (This is why we have Debbie Wasserman Schultz as our party chair – hell, Debbie even lies about lying!)
But this latest Romney distraction from the issues that really count will only fool the undecided and the independents and anyone with a cursory knowledge of economics, finance and foreign policy for so long.
Therefore, effective immediately, I am initiating the following steps:
1. I am suspending the 1st amendment protecting free speech insofar as it concerns and applies to anything that might offend the religious sensibilities of Muslims. There is already a UN resolution that the Muslim bloc got passed some time ago which defends religions from ridicule and attack and we shall simply use the same language in our executive order suspending free speech as it applies to Islam.
2. I am widening our earlier directive that US embassy and consulate security staff not be equipped with live ammunition to direct that all military, security and all other personnel serving in our embassies and consulates abroad be unarmed so as not to offend Muslims by giving them the impression that we are some sort of occupying power. After all, it is not the power of our weapons but the power of our ideas that really counts.
3. I am hereby doubling our foreign aid to all Muslim countries. Some will say this adds tens of billions of dollars to our already gargantuan debt with no tangible benefits to the American people. But I am not now nor have I ever been particularly concerned with the federal debt. (Letterman must have been surprised last night when I confessed on his show that I didn`t know exactly what the debt had been when I took office in 2009. Good thing he isn`t a newsman and that he is totally in the tank for me or he would have followed this up with a question and I`d have been in hot water with that slip of the tongue.) What I am concerned about is winning in November and if apologizing to, appeasing and bribing the Muslim world will get the job done it will be well worth it (at least to me, your mileage may vary).
4. Earlier today, I suspended all joint military exercises between American and Afghanistan armed forces and now I announce that we shall double the speed of our troop withdrawal in Afghanistan, declare victory and speed up the hand over, err, the negotiations with the Taliban there.
5. Finally, I apologize again for the US and its many sins and specifically for the toxic chemicals on American flags which were ingested and led to the death of an Egyptian man who set one of our flags on fire during a demonstration at our Cairo embassy. I have directed that henceforth more demonstrator- friendly and less toxic chemicals be used and have ordered the arrest of the flag manufacturer on charges of endangering public safety.
Allah Akbar, everybody, did I mention I was born and raised as a Muslim
