GUIDE BOOK FOR LIBERAL TROLLS
1. Make things up about the person you are attacking: It’s important to make your lies sound true. Preface your argument with the word “clearly.” “Clearly, (in this case) CDNBear is a liar, an asshole and a neo-con to boot.”
2. Be an armchair psychologist: You’re a smart person. You’ve heard of Freud. You took a psychology course in college. Clearly, you’re qualified to psychoanalyze your opponent. “Wardmama, by using the word ‘zucchini’ in her posting, shows she has a bad case of penis envy.”
3. Cross-post your flames everywhere: Every conservative blogger on the net is just waiting for the next literary masterpiece to leave your terminal! From the Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiller Empire to VodkaPundit, they’re all holding their breath until your next flame. Therefore, post everywhere.
4. Conspiracies abound: If everyone’s against you, the reason can’t *possibly* be that you’re a ****head. There’s obviously a conspiracy against you, and you will be doing the entire net a favor by exposing it.
5. Lawsuit threats: This is the reverse of Rule #4 (sort of like the Yin & Yang of Flaming). Threatening a lawsuit is always considered to be in good form. “By saying that I’ve posted to the wrong group, Bertha has libeled me, slandered me, and sodomized me. See you in court, Bertha.”
6. Force them to document their claims: Even if George Bush states outright that he likes tomato sauce on his pasta, you should demand documentation. If Newsweek hasn’t written an article on Bush’s pasta preferences, then Bush is obviously lying.
7. Use foreign phrases: French is good, but Latin is the lingua franca of flaming. You should use the words “ad hominem” at least three times per article. Other favorite Latin phrases are “ad nauseum,” “veni, vidi, vici,” and “fettuccini alfredo.”
8. Tell ‘em how smart you are: Why use intelligent arguments to convince them you’re smart when all you have to do is tell them? State that you’re a member of Mensa, or Mega, or Dorks of America. Tell them the scores you received on every exam since high school. “I got an 800 on my SATs, LSATs, GREs, MCATs, and I can also spell the word ‘neanderthal’ .”
9. Accuse your opponent of censorship: It is your right as an American citizen to post whatever the hell you want to the net (as guaranteed by the 37th Amendment, I think). Anyone who tries to limit your cross-posting or move a flame war to email is either a communist, a fascist, or even worse ... a “neo-con”.
10. Doubt their existence: You’ve never actually seen your opponent, have you? And since you’re the center of the universe, you should have seen them by now, shouldn’t you? Therefore, THEY DON’T EXIST! This is the beauty of Liberals’ logic.
11. Don’t hold back: Lie, cheat, steal, leave the toilet seat up. Leave no stone unturned. Hate everything. Attack them all. As a last resort you may even quote heavy metal rock lyrics to justify your argument. Nine Inch Nails is good. Twisted Sister is better.
12. When in doubt, insult: If you forget the other 11 rules, remember this one. At some point during your wonderful career as a Liberal troll you will undoubtedly end up in a flame war with someone who is better than you. This person will expose your lies, tear apart your arguments, make you look generally like a freaking retard. At this point, there’s only one thing to do: INSULT THE DIRTBAG!!! “Oh yeah? Well, your mother does strange things with vegetables.” :wave:
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