Ever have a friend who changes around men?


tracy
#1
OK, I have a really good friend who I generally get along with very well. I've even let her move into the second bedroom of my apartment because she's been going through a tough time. She's usually a nice, smart, independent, funny, good natured person. She has a lot of qualities I admire.

Now... when she's around her boyfriend, I want to smack her. It's like she turns into this needy, obsessive 14 year old girl. I was fine with him staying here when he was in town and he seemed like a nice guy to me. For the week before he came I had to listen to her obsess about him (maybe we aren't right for eachother, I mean he hasn't even called me today, don't you think your boyfriend should call you everyday? Shouldn't I be a lot more excited he's coming considering it's early in the relationship, shouldn't he just blow off everything else to come down and be with me?...). Then when he was here for 10 days, she never said a single good thing about him (he's boring, he's controlling, he's got no sense of humour, he's a know it all, he's cheap, he doesn't dress well, he's selfish, the sex isn't even good...). They'd even start bickering right in front of me and our other friends. It was SO awkward, but I bit my tongue. Then they broke up and I told her I was glad because she doesn't seem to even like him. Another friend of ours said the same thing and she'd only been around them for about 5 hours. Well.... yesterday she wakes me up in the middle of the day to tell me she's flying up to see him and will be back late that night.

Now, she's a grown woman and I have no intention of sticking my nose in her business. She can date whoever she wants. But, would it make me a bad friend if I told her I didn't want to hear about it or be around them? I've already banned him from staying in the apartment the next time he comes down.
 
Kreskin
#2
My visual on this is the Bud commercial. I picture him "listening" (actually watching the football game behind her) while she talks about her needs and their relationship.

Do you watch football Tracy? (Sorry, I'm of no help)
 
tracy
#3
Quote: Originally Posted by KreskinView Post

My visual on this is the Bud commercial. I picture him "listening" (actually watching the football game behind her) while she talks about her needs and their relationship.

Do you watch football Tracy? (Sorry, I'm of no help)

I know what you're talking about. It is one of her many complaints about him, but it's usually the history channel he's ignoring her to watch. I do the same thing to her now, but it's for comedy central. I actually said "Does this have anything to do with Brian? Yes? Then I've lost all interest" at one point. Aparently that was too subtle.
 
IdRatherBeSkiing
#4
Let her jump to her own conclusions. Some people seem to be attached to people and there is absolutly no rhyme nor reason to it. Of course, if you try to intervene, it would make their attraction stronger. Its they same dynamic as the wife/gf who is getting beaten by her husband/bf and says she can't leave because 'he has this sensitive side' or 'he doesn't really mean it'. The best thing to do is steer clear and don't get involved.

Also why does she need to wake you up to tell you what she is doing or not doing? Would a note on the fridge not be sufficient (and even the need for that is pushing it)?
 
Dreadful Nonsense
#5
Quote: Originally Posted by IdRatherBeSkiingView Post


Also why does she need to wake you up to tell you what she is doing or not doing? Would a note on the fridge not be sufficient (and even the need for that is pushing it)?

HA this is my Doug's forte. always points to something I missed.....

anywho i thought the thread was about getting changed if front of guys
what a dissapointment
 
tracy
#6
Quote: Originally Posted by IdRatherBeSkiingView Post

Let her jump to her own conclusions. Some people seem to be attached to people and there is absolutly no rhyme nor reason to it. Of course, if you try to intervene, it would make their attraction stronger. Its they same dynamic as the wife/gf who is getting beaten by her husband/bf and says she can't leave because 'he has this sensitive side' or 'he doesn't really mean it'. The best thing to do is steer clear and don't get involved.

Also why does she need to wake you up to tell you what she is doing or not doing? Would a note on the fridge not be sufficient (and even the need for that is pushing it)?

I have no idea why she woke me up. I honestly didn't even think to ask. I'm sure she just didn't want me to worry when she usually gets home around 6pm and didn't get home until 1am last night, but you're right that a note would have been enough. I was so sleep deprived yesterday after my 5 night stretch at work that I wasn't exactly thinking clearly. I was awake long enough to say "Do whatever you want, I don't care. Just as long as you know I'm never spending time around him and he can't stay at the apartment. Have a nice flight. Zzzzzzzz".

Like I said, I have no intention of interfering in her dating life. She got my opinion when she asked for it after their first break up and that was it for me. I just want to know if it's reasonable for me to not want to discuss it with her or hang out with the two of them together.
 
IdRatherBeSkiing
#7
Quote: Originally Posted by tracyView Post

Like I said, I have no intention of interfering in her dating life. She got my opinion when she asked for it after their first break up and that was it for me. I just want to know if it's reasonable for me to not want to discuss it with her or hang out with the two of them together.

Its definatly reasonable. If she gets the hint at all, you can probably accomplish that diplomatically without any confontations. But if it comes to a confentration, you have every right to state your opinion and that should be the end of that.
 
Vereya
#8
Tracy, maybe I'm wrong, but I am feeling very sorry for your friend. Like you said, she has a lot of nice traits, but she changes altogether for the worse around her boyfriend. Do you happen to know, maybe she had a very unhappy history of past relationships? In this case she isn't sure of herself, and she just might not value herself as a woman high enough, so that's what makes her so insecure, and that's what makes her behave in the way she does. The only thing for her to do then is to accept herself, and to make friends with herself, otherwise all of her relationships will be disastrous.
And as for your attitude - you are perfectly right to ban the boyfriend from staying in your apartment. It is your apartment, so it is up to you to decide, who stays there and who doesn't. And you can only figure out how to behave with your friend after you figure out if you still want her to remain your friend, and how would you like your relationship to develop.
 
MikeyDB
#9
At risk of picking a scab of sorts from anohter thread....

Letting somone know how you integrate/understand/interpret feel-about their behavior in a given circumstance is a difficult judgment to make...

I try to not be an "enabler"...someone who invites through feigning interest in a situation to elicit continual regurgitation of relatively petty nonesense...in my opinion....(it being nonesense that is..)

And at the same time...if we didn't test our ideas and try to get some feedback from other folk on our understanding of human dynamics and interrelationships....where would we find those necessary guidelines...?

Case by case....moment by moment....

Hey it's the most trying things that result in the greatest triumphs....
 
tracy
#10
Quote: Originally Posted by VereyaView Post

Tracy, maybe I'm wrong, but I am feeling very sorry for your friend. Like you said, she has a lot of nice traits, but she changes altogether for the worse around her boyfriend. Do you happen to know, maybe she had a very unhappy history of past relationships? In this case she isn't sure of herself, and she just might not value herself as a woman high enough, so that's what makes her so insecure, and that's what makes her behave in the way she does. The only thing for her to do then is to accept herself, and to make friends with herself, otherwise all of her relationships will be disastrous.
And as for your attitude - you are perfectly right to ban the boyfriend from staying in your apartment. It is your apartment, so it is up to you to decide, who stays there and who doesn't. And you can only figure out how to behave with your friend after you figure out if you still want her to remain your friend, and how would you like your relationship to develop.

She definitely doesn't lack self esteem. She makes him jump through hoops to please her. I actually felt sorry for him at first because she seemed so demanding. I think she's just getting to a point where she knows she doesn't have much time left if she wants to have babies.
 
tracy
#11
Quote: Originally Posted by MikeyDBView Post

At risk of picking a scab of sorts from anohter thread....

Letting somone know how you integrate/understand/interpret feel-about their behavior in a given circumstance is a difficult judgment to make...

I try to not be an "enabler"...someone who invites through feigning interest in a situation to elicit continual regurgitation of relatively petty nonesense...in my opinion....(it being nonesense that is..)

And at the same time...if we didn't test our ideas and try to get some feedback from other folk on our understanding of human dynamics and interrelationships....where would we find those necessary guidelines...?

Case by case....moment by moment....

Hey it's the most trying things that result in the greatest triumphs....

We discussed this case and this moment last night. I told her I will be willing to spend time with the two of them if they are still together in 6 months. Other than that, I'm done with this one and she is very sheepish about it with me and says she completely understands. I think she knows she was acting a little crazy.
 
MikeyDB
#12
Good for you girl!

It may be my personal perspective alone but I have the feeling that as a culture we've become less prepared to keep the lines of communications open and simply go for the brass ring...

If there's room for reasonable dialogue that's the route to go...

Have you ever considered throwing your hat into the UN?

The world needs people willing to negotiate..to talk...to share and empathize....before the parachutes open and the guns go off....
 
tracy
#13
Quote: Originally Posted by MikeyDBView Post

Good for you girl!

It may be my personal perspective alone but I have the feeling that as a culture we've become less prepared to keep the lines of communications open and simply go for the brass ring...

If there's room for reasonable dialogue that's the route to go...

Have you ever considered throwing your hat into the UN?

The world needs people willing to negotiate..to talk...to share and empathize....before the parachutes open and the guns go off....

Hilarious!

I'm not known for being particularly patient when my friends are being stupid. I do the supportive thing for a certain amount of time, but if they keep doing the same thing and complaining about the same results over and over and over, then I just get tired of it and get more blunt with them. I lasted 3 months with this one. I also recently got so sick of the "I'm fat" comments from a few of my friends that I told them I'm not participating in those conversations anymore and will only respond with "Yes, you are morbidly obese and unworthy of love". It's working pretty well so far I have had to use that sentence about 2 dozen times in the last 2 months which is a significant decrease in the frequency of the fat discussions.
 

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