In these miserable times of recession, it's always good to have a good chuckle.
So that's why The Sun newspaper has launched its Get Britain Laughing campaign.
So everyday it is printing lots of jokes to keep us amused - and is getting comedians to give us their views on current events.
Today is the turn of Scottish comedian Frankie Boyle, who stars in comedy quiz show Mock the Week, who tells us what he thinks of the recent Budget, which was revealed by the Socialist Chancellor of the Exchequer (whose eyebrows are a different colour than his hair) who has introduced a whopping 50% income tax rate on people who earn over £150,000 a year. Interestingly, Darling earns £141,866 a year, and Home Secretary Jacqui Smith also earns around £141,000 a year.
And there is also a collection of some of his gags.......
The surprise is that Darling hasn't introduced a tax for people whose hair and eyebrows match
By FRANKIE BOYLE
Wednesday 29th April 2009
The Sun
ACERBIC, close to the knuckle and hilariously funny, Frankie Boyle is Britain’s most outspoken comedian.
The Mock The Week comic agrees with us that the best cure for the current doom and gloom is a good chuckle.
So he has offered us his thoughts for the week as part of The Sun’s great Get Britain Laughing campaign.
As the dust settles on Alistair Darling’s Budget, here are Frankie’s views.
Budget's worth a chuckle ... Frankie Boyle
ALISTAIR DARLING announced the rich will see their tax rates change.
Yes, they will — when they bugger off to Switzerland.
The one bright spot in the Budget was when the Chancellor said: “I’m taking the necessary measures for Britain’s recovery”.
'Full of surprises' ... Chancellor of the Exchequer Alistair Darling
Unfortunately, the gun jammed when he tried to shoot himself in the head.
I couldn’t believe that in the current financial climate it took him 20 minutes to explain our Budget... how long does it take to say: “We have three beans, we are going to eat one, plant one and attempt to trade the other for a magical harp”?
Things are so bad Leader of the Opposition David Cameron is now sending around emails about himself so he can lose the next election.
Analysts expect that Britain won’t be able to balance the books until 2018, when at least two or three General Elections have passed and the British Civil War has ended.
Duty on the average bottle of beer has gone up by two per cent, thereby putting an additional strain on Scottish parents as they’ll have to increase their kids’ pocket money.
And two pence has been added to a litre of petrol. This will upset many rural types, making their favourite tipple unaffordable.
He has been criticised for allowing pubs to close, while trying to save the car industry.
This is a silly move; the more drivers we have using pubs and then ploughing their cars into bus stops, the more demand for replacement cars. This will also help buoy the replacement limb industry and florists.
The Chancellor announced a £2billion package aimed at preventing school-leavers from joining the dole queue... he’s going to build a big fence around job centres to stop them getting in.
The City has dismissed Darling’s predictions on the economy as overoptimistic.
Coming from them, that’s interesting. They based their entire financial model on receiving a mortgage payment from an unemployed, one-eyed banjo player in Detroit.
Most Chancellors proudly hold the Budget box high for photographers, whereas Darling looked so embarrassed he used it more to cover his face like a paedophile getting into a police van.
I wouldn’t have been surprised if he’d delivered the entire Budget speech holding a blue folder in front of his face.
The new supertax will affect people who earn over £150,000. It’s surely of no surprise that Alistair Darling earns £141,866 as a minister.
The real surprise is he hasn’t introduced a tax for people who’s hair and eyebrows match.
They are taxing the rich to help pay for assistance for the unemployable.
Hey, I’ve made most of my money from insulting Dundee, I may as well give a little back.
So Labour have returned to their socialist principles. Tony Blair must be spinning in his four £9million homes.
Darling is putting 150,000 young people into jobs in “green technology”.
This should be successful. Brit teens are already experts at smashing streetlights and heating whole estates with one burning car.
The stress is really beginning to show on Darling’s face — his left eyebrow is beginning to go grey.
Frankie says relax with more of his gags
THE first TV advert for the morning-after pill was shown. It’s just a clip of the Teletubbies and a voice saying, “If you don’t want to watch this sh*t – take the pill!”
It’s been revealed thousands of policemen suffer post-traumatic stress disorder after witnessing so much violence and horrific injuries.
Luckily, there’s a cure. Stop beating people up. The police said they now want to carry Tasers permanently. I can’t wait for the next demonstration in London. It’ll look like the video from Thriller.
Labour wanted to change expenses rules to a system where MPs have to sign on for money – to prepare them for after the election.
Cops took photos of each other sitting on the Queen’s throne while on duty at Buckingham Palace. It’s lucky the Queen didn’t catch them. As she’d have got a slap in the face and a baton to the legs.
Amy Winehouse has suffered burns to her leg after she tipped a pot of boiling water over her leg while cooking pasta. Someone should tell her that’s not how you cook pasta.
A Japanese woman has been sentenced to death after four of her neighbours died when she served them a curry laced with arsenic. There are probably still British men who would complain it wasn’t hot enough. “Arsenic curry? That’s a bit too bland for me. Can you do me a polonium vindaloo?”
Katie Price ran the London Marathon to raise money for the blind. After jogging that far with her body, I’m surprised she hasn’t joined them. Every year a group of unfit, badly trained plebs run 26 miles on Tarmac. Meaning next year there will be even MORE people with spinal injuries to raise money for.
Toilet rolls are the main item stolen by office staff. It used to be Post-it notes but people found they weren’t as absorbent.
The whole thing was only discovered because people kept stealing Post-it notes and sticking up messages reminding them to steal toilet rolls.
Stephen Hawking was taken to hospital last week. He was very close to death but, thankfully, he’s back to his usual self. Critical.
Docs say he had a virus. Apparently, it’s his own fault for not updating his software.
MY Sh*t Life So Far, by Frankie Boyle, is published by HarperCollins o October 1. Pre-order on Amazon now.
thesun.co.uk
So that's why The Sun newspaper has launched its Get Britain Laughing campaign.
So everyday it is printing lots of jokes to keep us amused - and is getting comedians to give us their views on current events.
Today is the turn of Scottish comedian Frankie Boyle, who stars in comedy quiz show Mock the Week, who tells us what he thinks of the recent Budget, which was revealed by the Socialist Chancellor of the Exchequer (whose eyebrows are a different colour than his hair) who has introduced a whopping 50% income tax rate on people who earn over £150,000 a year. Interestingly, Darling earns £141,866 a year, and Home Secretary Jacqui Smith also earns around £141,000 a year.
And there is also a collection of some of his gags.......
The surprise is that Darling hasn't introduced a tax for people whose hair and eyebrows match
By FRANKIE BOYLE
Wednesday 29th April 2009
The Sun
ACERBIC, close to the knuckle and hilariously funny, Frankie Boyle is Britain’s most outspoken comedian.
The Mock The Week comic agrees with us that the best cure for the current doom and gloom is a good chuckle.
So he has offered us his thoughts for the week as part of The Sun’s great Get Britain Laughing campaign.
As the dust settles on Alistair Darling’s Budget, here are Frankie’s views.
Budget's worth a chuckle ... Frankie Boyle
ALISTAIR DARLING announced the rich will see their tax rates change.
Yes, they will — when they bugger off to Switzerland.
The one bright spot in the Budget was when the Chancellor said: “I’m taking the necessary measures for Britain’s recovery”.
'Full of surprises' ... Chancellor of the Exchequer Alistair Darling
Unfortunately, the gun jammed when he tried to shoot himself in the head.
I couldn’t believe that in the current financial climate it took him 20 minutes to explain our Budget... how long does it take to say: “We have three beans, we are going to eat one, plant one and attempt to trade the other for a magical harp”?
Things are so bad Leader of the Opposition David Cameron is now sending around emails about himself so he can lose the next election.
Analysts expect that Britain won’t be able to balance the books until 2018, when at least two or three General Elections have passed and the British Civil War has ended.
Duty on the average bottle of beer has gone up by two per cent, thereby putting an additional strain on Scottish parents as they’ll have to increase their kids’ pocket money.
And two pence has been added to a litre of petrol. This will upset many rural types, making their favourite tipple unaffordable.
He has been criticised for allowing pubs to close, while trying to save the car industry.
This is a silly move; the more drivers we have using pubs and then ploughing their cars into bus stops, the more demand for replacement cars. This will also help buoy the replacement limb industry and florists.
The Chancellor announced a £2billion package aimed at preventing school-leavers from joining the dole queue... he’s going to build a big fence around job centres to stop them getting in.
The City has dismissed Darling’s predictions on the economy as overoptimistic.
Coming from them, that’s interesting. They based their entire financial model on receiving a mortgage payment from an unemployed, one-eyed banjo player in Detroit.
Most Chancellors proudly hold the Budget box high for photographers, whereas Darling looked so embarrassed he used it more to cover his face like a paedophile getting into a police van.
I wouldn’t have been surprised if he’d delivered the entire Budget speech holding a blue folder in front of his face.
The new supertax will affect people who earn over £150,000. It’s surely of no surprise that Alistair Darling earns £141,866 as a minister.
The real surprise is he hasn’t introduced a tax for people who’s hair and eyebrows match.
They are taxing the rich to help pay for assistance for the unemployable.
Hey, I’ve made most of my money from insulting Dundee, I may as well give a little back.
So Labour have returned to their socialist principles. Tony Blair must be spinning in his four £9million homes.
Darling is putting 150,000 young people into jobs in “green technology”.
This should be successful. Brit teens are already experts at smashing streetlights and heating whole estates with one burning car.
The stress is really beginning to show on Darling’s face — his left eyebrow is beginning to go grey.
Frankie says relax with more of his gags
THE first TV advert for the morning-after pill was shown. It’s just a clip of the Teletubbies and a voice saying, “If you don’t want to watch this sh*t – take the pill!”
It’s been revealed thousands of policemen suffer post-traumatic stress disorder after witnessing so much violence and horrific injuries.
Luckily, there’s a cure. Stop beating people up. The police said they now want to carry Tasers permanently. I can’t wait for the next demonstration in London. It’ll look like the video from Thriller.
Labour wanted to change expenses rules to a system where MPs have to sign on for money – to prepare them for after the election.
Cops took photos of each other sitting on the Queen’s throne while on duty at Buckingham Palace. It’s lucky the Queen didn’t catch them. As she’d have got a slap in the face and a baton to the legs.
Amy Winehouse has suffered burns to her leg after she tipped a pot of boiling water over her leg while cooking pasta. Someone should tell her that’s not how you cook pasta.
A Japanese woman has been sentenced to death after four of her neighbours died when she served them a curry laced with arsenic. There are probably still British men who would complain it wasn’t hot enough. “Arsenic curry? That’s a bit too bland for me. Can you do me a polonium vindaloo?”
Katie Price ran the London Marathon to raise money for the blind. After jogging that far with her body, I’m surprised she hasn’t joined them. Every year a group of unfit, badly trained plebs run 26 miles on Tarmac. Meaning next year there will be even MORE people with spinal injuries to raise money for.
Toilet rolls are the main item stolen by office staff. It used to be Post-it notes but people found they weren’t as absorbent.
The whole thing was only discovered because people kept stealing Post-it notes and sticking up messages reminding them to steal toilet rolls.
Stephen Hawking was taken to hospital last week. He was very close to death but, thankfully, he’s back to his usual self. Critical.
Docs say he had a virus. Apparently, it’s his own fault for not updating his software.
MY Sh*t Life So Far, by Frankie Boyle, is published by HarperCollins o October 1. Pre-order on Amazon now.
thesun.co.uk
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