The EU.
BRITAIN'S EU 'PARTNERS'
Eurofanatics may go on about how wonderful the EU is. But just who are our 24 so-called 'partners'? Here is a brief run-down of those 'partners' of ours, plus the three candidate states.
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Austria
Was the biggest noise in the Holy Roman Empire (First Reich) until ousted by Prussia, which formed Germany and booted Austria out. Has been trying to get back in ever since. Disgraced itself in World War 2 by forming union with Hitler's Germany. Lots of mountains and a conveniently short memory.
Belgium
Probably the most useless country in the world. Historically of interest to us because its ports offered the easiest way to invade us. After the Napoleonic Wars was forced into short alliance with Netherlands before breaking away in 1830. Unfortunately Great Britain guaranteed its future security, dragging us into World Wars 1 and 2. Site of Waterloo, where the British saved Europe, and which is now a shrine to the French Emperor Napoleon. Country hopelessly split between Walloons (north) and Flemish (south).
Cyprus
Er, half of Cyprus, to be exact. The island was partitioned when Turkey invaded the northern half in 1974. Stupidly the EU said they would let the Greek (southern) half in even if they refused a reunification vote. Of course they voted no, a fitting start to their membership. A former British possession from 1878, it gained independence in 1960 apart from two small British naval bases.
Czech Republic
Bohemia and Moravia. Formerly united with Slovakia after World War One into Czechoslovakia. In this form it was sold down the river by Neville Chamberlaine, precipitating World War 2. People I know who have been there love it.
Denmark
Spirited little country which upsets Europe by insisting on democratic votes on big EU changes. Was forced into revote when it voted against Maastricht in 1992. Home of Vikings.
Republic of Ireland
Covertly supported terrorist IRA for most of the 20th century, and the only country apart from Japan to send commiserations to Germany on Hitler's suicide in 1945. Has seen its Protestant population cut by 90% in less than 100 years. Still toying with illegal claims on Northern Ireland.
Estonia
Most northerly of the Baltic States, the first three to break away upon the collapse of the USSR in the early nineties.
France
Our worst enemies in Europe, who formed the EU to get back at having to rely on British help in World War 2. Still upset that we have a station called Waterloo and a square called Trafalgar in London. Try not to mention Agincourt, Crecy, Poitiers, Ramillies, Blenheim, Waterloo, World War 1, etc. Don't try too hard.
Finland
Managed a long drawn-out escape from Russia in the 20th century, including a shameful alliance with Nazi Germany. Largely empty. Home of Vikings.
Germany
United 1866, and has spent much of the time since trying to beat up on its neighbours and annihilating select bits of the human race. Divided in 1949 (post-WW2) into West and East Germany. West Germany formed EU with France in the fifties as a deal; German money to French farmers in return for Germany being cleansed of mass genocide and readmitted to human race. Reunited with East Germany 1990. Hates us for beating them in World Wars 1 and 2.
Greece
Joined EU for two reasons, to annoy Turkey and for the fraudulent subsidies. The home of civilization, but hates the Brits though we secured their independence from the Ottoman Empire in the 1820's, and even gave them the Ionian Isles for free in 1864.
Hungary
Part of the old Austro-Hungarian Empire, which was split up after World War 1. Hungary's borders were greatly reduced, losing many Magyars (Hungarians) to neighbouring countries, mostly Romania. Allied to Nazi Germany in World War Two.
Italy
Largely pointless country, shaped like a boot. Contributed little to World War 1 and backed Hitler in World War 2.
Latvia
Middle of the three Baltic States.
Lithuania
Glorious medieval past, when an alliance with Poland led to a country stretching from the Baltic to the Black Sea. Rather smaller now.
Luxembourg
Leftover from Europe's past - unfortunately. No use to anyone except those wanting tax breaks and MEPs on the make (i.e. all of them).
Malta
Great Britain's wartime base in the Mediterranean. Has proved a great problem to the EU because of the lack of Maltese translators.
Netherlands
Flat. Secured independence from Spain thanks to English help in the 1500s and 1600s, but still hates us anyway. Granted sanctuary to Kaiser Bill after World War 1; overrun by Germany in World War 2.
Poland
The one we supported in World War Two, albeit when it was too late. Poland's borders have changed markedly because of war and the advance of Russia.
Portugal
Old-time ally of the English, but nowadays not friendly. Surprising, as we helped secure their independence from Spain on more than one occasion.
Slovakia
Right-hand third of old Czechoslovakia, the poorer end.
Slovenia
First bit of the one-time Yugoslavia to gain admission, it managed to break away from the federal monolith after a short war in 1992. Popular tourist destination, deservedly.
Spain
Anagram of pains. Bulls. Sent an Armada against us in 1588, 1596, 1598 and 1601. Failed on all four occasions, and hasn't forgiven us. Supposedly neutral in the world wars, but was a friend of Hitler in World War 2. Wants Gibraltar back, which it lost to us in a fair fight in 1713, and quite prepared to break all international rules to get it. Gets upset when Ceuta and Melilla (their small enclaves on the African coast) are mentioned in the same breath as Gibraltar, so do this as often as possible.
Sweden
Largely empty. Neutral in World War Two. Home of Vikings.
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CANDIDATE STATES
Bulgaria
Fragment of the old Ottoman Empire, and an ally of Nazi Germany in World War 2.
Croatia
Part of the former Yugoslavia. Somewhat tarred by still giving sanctuary to war criminals from its war for independence.
Macedonia (FYROM)
The Former Yugoslav Republic Of Macedonia (the Greeks won't let it use the shortened form because 'Macedonia' also refers to a northern area of Greece, and they're terrified the FYROMs might attack them. Something of a miracle that such an unstable little country in such an explosive zone has been so quiet.
