I've gone about five years without finishing this, but WTF:
Inbred Gits and Pond Scum
A Theory on the Origins of Man
There is a new theory about the origin of man out there. It’s being talked about in the bars and the coffee shops and even the bingo palaces. It is a theory that may serve to unify the Creationists and the Darwinists once and for all. When David Suzuki was asked about it he said, “What the heck are you talking about?” Several of Darwin’s distant progeny said, “That’s nice, go away.”
The Pope could not be reached for comment but an e-mail response from the offices of Jimmy Swaggart said, “We won’t even comment on that, what do you take us for?” Stockwell Day was also contacted but his only response was to lay in a corner curled in the fetal position saying, “Nobody likes me,” over and over again.
The theory itself is this:
Many millions of years ago life began to evolve on the planet. It started as pond scum, then shore scum. Eventually it grew into dinosaurs but they were all blown up by a giant comet. Then mammals evolved. The mammals begat monkeys, the monkeys begat apes and the apes eventually evolved into hominids. The hominids’ brains kept growing and, over time, they became modern humans. Pond scum humans have large brains but because these brains are more suited to running antelope to death on the African Savannah than actually thinking they often have trouble with mundane tasks like driving or remembering to go to work. They will most likely evolve eventually though.
About 6,000 years ago, while the Pond Scum humans were out hunting and gathering, this old hippie came to earth. We don’t know where he came from but, there he was. He made a man through magic and called him Adam, then removed Adam’s rib and cloned Eve from it. Even though this cloning process meant that Adam and Eve were as genetically close as paternal twins, the Old Hippie encouraged them to breed.
Eventually the Old Hippie made Adam and Eve and their kids go live with the Pond Scum People. It seems that they were trying to learn for themselves and the old hippie, possibly in a cocaine rage, was having none of that. He gave them a book before they left though, and admonished them to live by it. They packed up the kids, who were also nieces and nephews, the grandkids, who were all first cousins, and the book and headed out into Pond Scum territory. When they first met the Pond Scum People they needed a name for themselves. “We can’t think of a name,” they said, “Possibly because we’re all our own cousins.” The Pond Scum People dubbed them the Inbred Gits.
The Inbred Gits lived fairly happily for a time. They had many adventures and sometimes got lost in the desert for long periods because the inbreeding was causing their brain cases to shrink, but they kept on trying and living by the book the old hippie had given them. They added their adventures to the blank pages in the back of the book so that when the old hippie came back they could tell him everything that had happened. In the meantime they tried to alleviate the brain case problem by trying to convince the Pond Scum People that there would be big trouble if they didn’t join up with the Inbred Gits. There were some pretty big gang-fights and a fair bit of smiting, but after a while the Pond Scum People agreed to disagree.
After a time, the Inbred Gits looked at the Pond Scum People and said, “Hey, those Pond Scum People are having a lot of fun. They have many different versions of the Old Hippie and get to have sex a lot.” Some of the Inbred Gits decided to be more like the Pond Scum people. They partied, drinking wine and imbibing in strange herbs until all hours, and discovered that there was more than one position to have sex in. They even started letting drum kits into their bands. Some of the more traditional Inbred Gits didn’t like this, preferring to have sex in only one position and finding the drum beat hard to dance to, so they stayed away from the Pond Scum people.
After a while the Old Hippie came back and looked around. He noticed that most of his people had wandered over into Pond Scum territory. “I know what the problem is here,” the Old Hippie said, “There isn’t enough inbreeding going on.”
The Old Hippie went to this guy named Noah and got him to build a really bitchin’ boat. This thing was huge. It had room for livestock and food and a half-dozen people or so. It was a cool party yacht but Noah wouldn’t allow anybody but his immediate relatives on because the Old Hippie told him that inbreeding was the key to salvation.
After the Party Yacht was built the Old Hippie hired some scientists from over in Pond Scum land to make it rain. They were incredibly successful and caused a huge flood. This was no big deal for the Pond Scum people, they were getting used to scientists trying to kill them, so they just took a road trip. The Inbred Gits didn’t like to travel though, and they didn’t believe that scientists would try to kill them, so they drowned. All except for Noah, he had the Party Yacht. He loaded all his animals and his sons and the women on the boat and sailed around for a month or so.
After a bit the rain stopped and the water drained into the ocean. Noah went back to having sex with his immediate relatives and the Pond Scum people got back from their road trip. All was right with the world...The Pond Scum went back to having wild parties and listening to cool music and the Inbred Gits looked at them and said,
“Those bastards only think they’re having fun.”
Things continued like this for quite some time with the Pond Scum people living happily and achieving many great things, like building huge monuments and inventing beer. The Inbred Gits were left to their own devices and did much begetting with their cousins.
One day the Old Hippie came back and did some begetting of his own. He sired a son with a young floozie and then disappeared.
