RICHARD LITTLEJOHN: Under starter's orders - the Tory Twit of the Year race takes to the field
                                                                                                                    
                                                                                                                    By 
Richard Littlejohn for the Daily Mail 
                                                                                                                    29 March 2019  
                                                                                                                     
                                                                                                                    Unless  Mother Theresa decides to come back from the dead by doing a Glenn  Close in Fatal Attraction and emerges from the bathwater wielding a  carving knife, we’re in for a Tory leadership contest.
                                                                                                                    Nothing  can, of course, be ruled out after the past week of complete madness at  Westminster. May has so far only said she’ll go if her risible ‘deal’  passes the Commons.
                                                                                                                    And the chances of  that happening still seem as remote as ever. So could she, in the event  of it being rejected again refuse to stand down after all?
                                                                                                                    
Stranger things  have happened. She hasn’t kept the promises she made to the electorate  in the Tory manifesto, so why should she feel obliged to follow through  on assurances she has given to her own MPs?
                                                                                                                    
	
	
	
		
		
		
		
	
	
Theresa May faces a crucial third and final vote on her Brexit deal on Friday after it was hurriedly arranged on Thursday
                                                                                                                    
                                                                                                                    
	
	
	
		
		
		
		
	
	
 
	
	
	
		
		
		
		
	
	
Sajid  Javid (left) in Downing Street yesterday. Rumours are growing of a  joint ticket that would see him enter Number 10 with Michael Gove  (right, today in Downing Street) as Chancellor 
                                                                                                                    
                                                                                                                    Meanwhile, the runners and riders to succeed her are under starter’s orders.
                                                                                                                    Bookies  are laying odds and the tipsters are making their selections. Michael  Gove is reported to be teaming up with Sajid Javid, aka Albert R. N., on  a ‘dream ticket’ to stop Boris. There are at least a dozen MPs throwing  their rings into the hat — and more are considering putting their names  forward.
                                                                                                                    One or two may be vaguely  familiar, but the rest aren’t even legends in their own homes. Still,  when 17.4 million people backed Leave in the 2016 referendum, they had  no idea that they were voting to put Theresa May in Downing Street. Yet  after Call Me Dave resigned, all sorts of obscure Tories were being  mooted for the top job.
                                                                                                                    There was a strand of opinion which even claimed that the Brexit vote really meant: what we want is Stephen Crabb.
                                                                                                                    Then  Welsh Secretary, or something, Crabb was briefly touted as the unity  candidate, even though he had backed Remain and virtually no one had  ever heard of him.
                                                                                                                    
                                                                                                                    Sadly,  we’ll never know if he could have been the nation’s saviour, since  shortly after announcing his candidature it was revealed that he’d been  sending sexually explicit text messages to a 19-year-old woman he’d  interviewed for a job. Collapse of leadership campaign.
                                                                                                                    Oh, dear. How sad. Never mind.
                                                                                                                    Anyway,  if all goes according to plan, the starting pistol this time will be  fired on May 22 and the whole business could take up to six weeks.
                                                                                                                    How  the heart sinks. Six whole weeks of wall-to-wall Tory leadership  coverage dominating the news. Six weeks of intense campaigning, six  weeks of speeches, six weeks of aides and bloggers scouring social media  for a ‘gaffe’ one of the hopefuls may have committed in the dim and  distant past.
                                                                                                                    Spare us, please, the televised candidates’ debates.
                                                                                                                    If they must face off against each other on TV, stick them on Pointless or The Chase.
                                                                                                                    I’d much rather hear them being quizzed by Bradley Walsh or Alexander Armstrong than any of the usual political insiders.
                                                                                                                    Maybe  they could have a special Pointless picture board, featuring all the  Tory leadership candidates. Apart from Boris, how many members of the  public could put a name to any of them? There would be plenty of  pointless answers to choose from.
                                                                                                                    Here’s another plan. Instead of dragging the process out for six weeks, why not just hold a one-day event to pick a winner?
                                                                                                                    ‘It’s going to be like Ben-Hur — there’ll be a cast of thousands,’ a Tory MP told the Mail. Now there’s a good idea.
                                                                                                                    Make  them all take part in a Ben-Hur-style chariot race, provided the  chariots were all fitted with rotating blades and the competitors were  kitted out with swords, maces, grappling hooks and nets.
                                                                                                                    Maybe  let loose a few wild animals — lions, tigers, that kind of thing — to  make it more interesting. There’d be no shortage of punters, especially  if they were guaranteed plenty of claret and severed limbs. Mind you,  attractive as the idea sounds, I can’t see elf’n’safety putting up with  it. So I guess we’ll have to look for a more gentle alternative.
                                                                                                                    I’ve  got it. They could model the leadership on Monty Python’s famous Upper  Class Twit Of The Year sketch. Most of the front-runners would qualify,  despite doing their best to burnish proletarian credentials.
                                                                                                                    Jacob  Rees-Mogg wouldn’t have looked out of place in the original, alongside  Nigel Incubator-Jones, Gervaise Brook-Hampster and Oliver St  John-Mollusc, like Rees-Mogg an old Etonian. His father was a Cabinet  Minister and his mother won The Derby. So roll up for the Tory Twit Of  The Year contest. Your commentator is Clare Balding, obviously.
                                                                                                                    ‘And  they’re lining up for the first race. Let’s talk you through the field.  There’s Jacob Rees-Mogg, a hedge fund manager. He’s brought his son  along with him. And his nanny, who is going to push him round the course  in a vintage Silver Cross Balmoral pram, bought in 1952.
                                                                                                                    ‘Alongside  Jacob, today’s favourite, Boris de Pfeffel Johnson, popularly known as  Bonking Boris, another Etonian with a reputation for chasing the  fillies.
                                                                                                                    
	
	
	
		
		
		
		
	
	
Boris Johnson remains popular with  Tory grassroots who choose the party leader in a final head-to-head  vote. But he faces a battle getting through the opening rounds of a  leadership contest, which are determined by votes from less enamored MPs
                                                                                                                    
                                                                                                                    ‘Jeremy  Hunt, a former head boy at Charterhouse, eldest son of an admiral, is  heavily fancied, as is Esther McVey — especially by Boris.
                                                                                                                    ‘Amber  Rudd, Cheltenham Ladies’ College, represents the Remain stable, and  Matt Hancock wears the colours of the private King’s School, Chester.
                                                                                                                    Bringing  up the rear, Michael Gove, from the fee-paying Robert Gordon’s College,  Aberdeen, like most of the rest of the field trained at Oxford.
                                                                                                                    ‘And  they’re off. And Boris immediately makes a beeline for Esther, but he’s  pursued by Gove, who seems intent on stabbing Boris in the back.
                                                                                                                    ‘They  round the first bend, manage to avoid the tricky Customs Union fence,  but — oh, my goodness — Amber, Matt and Jeremy have all fallen at the  Single Market. Jacob has refused and nanny is pushing him back to the  start.
                                                                                                                    ‘As they approach No Deal, Boris  and Gove are neck-and-neck, but Gove is giving it the whip and trying  to force Boris into the rails.
                                                                                                                    ‘They’re safely over, but now for the Backstop, which has unseated dozens of jockeys on this notoriously difficult course.
                                                                                                                    ‘I  can’t watch. This is turning into a bloodbath. Boris is in the lead by a  short head, but as they reach the final straight, Gove rugby tackles  Boris and wrestles him to the ground before he can cross the finishing  line.
                                                                                                                ‘Ladies and gentlemen, I’ve never seen anything quite like this. It’s like watching Ben-Hur...’
https://www.dailymail.co.uk/debate/...s-orders-Tory-Twit-Year-race-takes-field.html