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You'll have to try hard to find a more beautiful, more feel-good story than this one. When Harold Jellicoe Percival died last month aged 99, he had no family or close friends to attend his funeral except a handful of care home staff. It seemed as if there would be nobody to mourn the WWII...

The wreck of a mysterious boat has been seen for the first time after fierce winds shifted the sand it was buried in. The wreck is situated just off a beach in the shadow of the mighty Bamburgh Castle in the far north of England and it first appeared in June. Since then a team of...

A group of riders dressed in red have created the world's largest poppy for Remembrance Sunday. About 15,000 bikers travelled along the M25, which is Europe's busiest road and which circles London. The road is 117 miles in circumference. The event raised £2,300 for the Royal British Legion...

Go back and see who it was who started talking about phallic symbols. I was talking about food.

In the space of an hour we've managed to drift from jellied eels to phallic cymbals. People are gonna love reading this thread.

Any "fascination" I have with "phallic-shaped foods" is completely coincidental.

Are you for real? Seriously? A Stonner is a deep-fried kebab. You were the one who then brought phalluses into the whole equation.

Just who was it who brought up phalluses? It certainly wasn't me. I was enjoying talking about deep-fried Mars bars. If you are that interested in them check out the Phallic Cymbals blog which is dedicated to the weird, wonderful, and worrying things we do with our wieners. OMG, it's a...

Yeah. Definitely devoid of any sense of humour. Phallic cymbals

You're the weird one. So completely devoid of a sense of humour you wouldn't know one if it came up to you and bit you in the ****. Jesus.

So what's a phallic cymbal then?

Oh. I see.

Symbol? Isn't that part of a drum kit?

What's a phallus, then? Is it something you wear?

I would eat eel over deep-fried Mars bar. Mussels are nice, too.

You'd be in serious trouble if your p enis looked like a deep-fried Mars bar. Time to whip yourself round to the nearest clap clinic pronto.

Fancy a deep-fried Mars bar?

There's nothing poncy about a Scottish erection. If there was, Scottish men would wear something under their kilts.

Life expectancy in Glasgow is lower than it is in Gaza and many parts of Africa. Fact. Men there can expect to live to 54. Needless to say, the Scots have Europe's highest rate of heart disease.

British cuisine. Best in the world.