As England are to play Kazakhstan, Borat says "Welcome to my World Cup!"

Blackleaf

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England must play Kazakhstan (and Croatia, Andorra, Ukraine, and Belarus) in the qualifiers for the 2010 World Cup. The European section of the qualifiers starts in September 2008. England have never played Kazakhstan before, and the world's most famous Kazakh - Borat - tells us about his country....

Borat: Welcome to my World Cup!



29/11/2007
The Mirror
Borat Sagdiev


England must play Kazakhstan in the 2010 World Cup qualifiers. Kazakhstan is the world's 9th largest country, four times bigger than Britain, but has a population of just 15 million. It gained its independence from the Soviet Union in 1991.


Borat Sagdiev (played by British actor Sacha Baron Cohen) is the world's most famous Kazakhstani

I would like on behalf my government to welcome the English footballs team to Kazakhstan - I sure that they will find our facilities compare most favourably to their usual hotels, restaurants and prostitutes.​

They will be play at our famous Hueylewis Stadium. This amazing world-class arena in our capital city Astana have seatings for 780,000 people, and has electrical light and a toilet with flush.​

It hold annual championship of pingpong. It is most popular sport in all Kazakhstan and I number five best player in my village!​

Each village have on averages 476 table and childrens is taught play for six hours every day.​

Since recent dismissal and, I assume, execution of English coach McClarens, I would like to offer my services in this position.​

Kazakh training methods is guaranteed to make your English side strong enough for victory and includes running, suspending heavy weights from testes satchel and carrying womens against their will for long distances.​

I believe some of English players already have experience in this last discipline. The only rule is the woman must be weigh at least 180lbs and must be unknown to man.​


Kazakhstan flag

Current National Champion of this is Premier Nazarbamshey who manage to carry a womans of 247lbs for 5.7km! This is how he was chosen to be our leader.​

He also national record holder for suspend of weights from testes. He manage lift gearbox of tractor for 7.1 seconds!​

You don't believe me, you must see him do it at the opening of parliament every year.

I would also use Kazakh incentive method to produce a more attacking side - this involve placing landmines in our team's half of the pitch.​

As well as soccer team, Kazakhstan also very nice place for English football fannies and their wives and childrens to visit and enjoy some of our world class touristic attractions?​

These includes The Great Statue of Melvin Gibson in our capital city, Astana - it stands over 700 feets tall and has a staircase inside so children can climb up and throw potatoes on Jewtown from his anoos.​


The main square in Kazakhstan's capitsl city Astana

Another good place to take childrens is Almaty Zoo. At other zoos in world, there is rumours of cruelty to animals - at Almaty Zoo, we guarantee it. It have a good breeding program organised by Kazakh zoologists - my favourite was when I see a polar bear make sexytime with a sheep.​

Accommodations also very nice in Kazakhstan. I recommend you stay at Astana Funworld Family Resort - it have beautiful beaches, almost totally free of landmines and the sea is guarantee to have no jellyfish, shark or any other marine life.​

I have recent write a guidebook to Kazakhstan, where peoples can read on these things, and it give me great pleasuring myself to offer England team two complimentary copies for share amongst themselves.​

This book will also prove most popular with the English WAGs, since it has coupons for discounts on luxury goods bought at Kazakhstan's supermall Viktor Hotelier's Shopcity. For example, if Miss Coleen McLoughlin makes purchase of a toilet seat made from a women's pelvis, she will receive a free gypsy boy to carry her bags and clean her anoos.​

When you travel to Kazakhstan, do not be scare of our system currency. It very modern and exact same as western nation with coin and paper moneys.​

Until year 2004, each of these banknote was hand pain, but production have now increase to over 5,000 notes per week since Kazakh Imperal Mint recent made purchase of 1987 Canon IP5000 colour photocopier.​

In facts, Kazakh system more advance than system of US and A - they only has seven denomination of banknote, we has 788! For example, the 150 Tenge note - smallest banknote of Kazakhstan - so low value, it only good for clean anoos. A crushed Pepsi Max can is legal tenders in my country. But beware forgery! Dr Peppers can is worthless.​

Foods and drinks is very import in Kazakhstan. Most peoples like to eat at least three meals EVERY week.​

Do not be scare about come from West and find nice things for eat here. Modern Kazakhstan has now a vary diets and there is 28 differents food!​

These is horse face, horse anoos, horse eye, plov, horse nose, horse vagine, horse ear, horse phenis, horse tail, horse tongue, horse testes, horse teeth, horse stomatche, eagle, horse brain, horse t**, horse dirty, pig, horse bone, horse lung, horse sweat, bear, horse spit, horse arm, horse chin, potato and horse middle.​

And be sure you visit the Club Elegance niteclub. You can buy western luxury drink, Baileys! Everybody rich come there because they want to drink this delicious Baileys - it like liquids gold in Kazakhstan!​

If you want passport quick... bottle of this delicious Baileys! If you want someone "disappear"... bottle of Baileys! Gangster Frankie Biletbayev drink bottle of Baileys every single day. We is great sporting nation. Victory to Kazakhstan - England will be crushed!​

Chenquieh, Borat Sagdiyev
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Touristic Guidings to Minor Nation of US & A/Glorious Nation Of Kazakhstan (by Sacha Baron Cohen) is out now, published by Pan Macmillan.

mirror.co.uk