Atheist Jokes (Atheist Jokes)

Why did the atheist cross the road?

He thought there might be a sidewalk on the other side, but he wouldn’t believe it until he tested his hypothesis.



How many atheists does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to actually change the bulb, and the other to videotape the job so fundamentalists won’t claim that god did it.


An atheist buys an ancient lamp at an auction, takes it home, and begins to polish it. Suddenly, a genie appears, and says, “I’ll grant you three wishes, Master.” The atheist says, “I wish I could believe in you.” The genie snaps his fingers, and suddenly the atheist believes in him. The atheist says, “Wow. I wish all atheists would believe this.” The genie snaps his fingers again, and suddenly atheists all over the world begin to believe in genies. “What about your third wish?” asks the genie. “Well,” says the atheist, “I wish for a billion dollars.” The genie snaps his fingers for a third time, but nothing happens. “What’s wrong?” asks the atheist. The genie shrugs and says, “Just because you believe in me, doesn’t necessarily mean that I really exist.”


An atheist dies and wakes up to find he is in hell. He's really depressed as he stands in the processing line waiting to talk to an admittance counselor. He thinks to himself "I know I lead a wild life but I wasn't that bad. I never thought it would come to this." Looking up he sees that it is his turn to be processed into hell. With fear and a heavy heart, he walks up to the counselor.
Counselor: What's the problem, you look depressed?
Atheist: Well, what do you think? I'm in hell.
Counselor: Hell's not so bad, we actually have a lot of fun. Do you like to drink?
Atheist: Sure, I love to drink.
Counselor: Well then, you are going to love Mondays. On Mondays we drink up a storm. You can have whiskey, rum, tequila, beer, whatever you want and as much a you want. We party all night long. You'll love Mondays. Do you smoke?
Atheist: Yes, as a matter of fact I do.
Counselor: You are going to love Tuesdays. Tuesday is smoke day. You get to smoke the finest cigars and best cigarettes available anywhere. And you smoke to your heart's desire without worrying about cancer because you are already dead! Is that great or what? You are going to love Tuesdays. Do you do drugs?
Atheist: Well in my younger days I experimented a little.
Counselor: You are going to love Wednesdays. That's drug day. You can experiment with any drug you want and you don't have to worry about overdoses or getting hooked because you are already dead. You are going to love Wednesdays. Do you gamble?
Atheist: Yes, I love to gamble.
Counselor: You are going to love Thursdays because we gamble all day and night -- black jack, craps, poker, slots, horse races, everything! You are going to love Thursdays. Are you gay?
Atheist: Uhh...no.
Counselor: Oh , you're gonna hate Fridays...




A Christian, a Jew, and an atheist are standing in line to be executed during the French Revolution.

The christian is first, and he lays down on the guillotine. Before the executioner pulls the lever he shouts, "My god will save me!". The lever is pulled, and the blade swooshes down, stopping just short of his neck. The executioner, believing a miracle of god has occurred, figures he can't kill this man, as so sets him free.

The Jew lays down on the guillotine. Like the christian, he shouts, "My god will save me!". The lever is pulled, the blade falls, and once again it stops just short of his neck. The executioner, again, believes god is on this man's side, and lets him go.

Finally, the atheist lays down on the guillotine. He examines the guillotine, finds a rock in the gears, and says to the executioner, "Well here's your problem..."

The moral? There's a time and a place for skepticism.



What is the biggest problem for an atheist?

No one to talk to during an orgasm.


The Pope took a philosophy professor (an atheist at that) out fishing on a large lake. As they drifted on the still lake, the philosopher accidentally dropped an oar and watched it float away. The pontiff stepped out of the boat, walked across the water to the oar, grabbed it and walked back to the boat. The next day at the university, a colleague asked the philosopher if he had enjoyed fishing with the Pope. "It was okay, but would you believe that guy can't swim?"


An evil Atheist explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself "Oh God, I'm screwed!!!!!." There is a ray of light from heaven and a voice booms out: "No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you." So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the living heck out of the chief.As he stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces, Gods voice booms out again: "Okay ...
.. NOW you're screwed."


An atheist was walking through the woods one day in Alaska, admiring all that evolution had created. "What majestic trees! What a powerful river! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. Turning to look, he saw a 13-foot Kodiak brown bear beginning to charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could down the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was rapidly closing on him. Somehow, he ran even faster, so scared that tears came to his eyes. He looked again and the bear was even closer. His heart pounding in his chest, he tried to run faster yet. But alas, he tripped and fell to the ground. As he rolled over to pick himself up, the bear was right over him, reaching for him with its left paw and raising its right paw to strike him.

"OH MY GOD! ..."

Time stopped.

The bear froze.

The forest was silent.

Even the river stopped moving ...

As a brilliant light shone upon the man, a thunderous voice came from all around...

"YOU DENY MY EXISTENCE FOR ALL THESE YEARS, TEACH OTHERS THAT I DON'T EXIST AND EVEN CREDIT CREATION TO SOME COSMIC ACCIDENT. DO YOU EXPECT ME TO HELP YOU OUT OF THIS PREDICAMENT? AM I TO COUNT YOU AS A BELIEVER?"

Difficult as it was, the atheist looked directly into the light and said, "It would be hypocritical to ask to be a Christian after all these years, but perhaps you could make the bear a Christian?"

"VERY WELL." Said God.

The light went out.

The river ran.

The sounds of the forest resumed.

... and the bear dropped down on his knees, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, thank you for this food which I am about to receive."

why god never got a phd:

1. He had only one major publication.
2. It was written in Aramaic, not in English.
3. It has no references.
4. It wasn't even published in a refereed journal.
5. There are serious doubts he wrote it himself.
6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since
then?
7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
8. The Scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.
9. He unlawfully performed not only Animal, but *Human* testing.
10. When one experiment went awry, he tried to cover it by drowning his
subjects.
11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from
the sample.
12. He rarely came to class, just told his students to read the book.
13. Some say he had his son to teach the class.
14. He expelled his first two students for learning.
15. Although there were only 10 requirements, most of his students
failed his tests.
16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top.

http://i107.photobucket.com/albums/m...4/finger-1.jpg

Sorry, I couldn't get the pic to appear so you only get the link.

...and then there is Peter's version..

--

Classic!!!

That was pretty good, even if blasphemous. I wonder if hell has any need for cartoonists.

Here you go.

"Jesus was a cross dresser"

George Carlin

One more to add, no methods section. How can it be repeatable if we don't know how he did it?

And no data tables or graphs, either.

My favorite atheist witticisms:
atheism is a religion like bald is a hair color
atheism is a religion like "off" is a tv channel

hehe Funny! and true!

atheism is a non prophet organization.

Since they end up in hell that would make that a non-profit co.

In the post about heating and cooling hell has a finite time, so any effect that occurs from entering should be negated on departure. If that is so then how can the change in attitude be explained.

A Christian shows up for entrance into Heaven. St. Peter can't find his name and asks how he came to die. A flood came and took him, before that a helicopter and a boat came by and offered assistance, he turned it down by claiming 'The Lord will take care of me.' St. Peter says 'Oh, now I understand why, because you didn't take the help we sent in the form of a boat and a helicopter you cannot enter so you will have to go to hell, and it was so.

All atheists here are not just and not sincere with their thinking and deduction.
If they are sincere, to themselves first of all and to the truth, they should -at least - put some probabilites; but they jumped to guessing and started mocking and ridiculing God - be glorified.

If they had been scientific and sincere to themselves, they would have feard of God Almighty.

This is in the Quran

eanassir,
You wouldn't know humour if it bit you on the ass... that is your ass not your asses ass.
Most of the atheists on here are better read than any of the religious types. They have bothered to study the meanings, the history and the origins of many religious writings and have come to the conclusion that it is all a bunch of none sense.
If you want to believe in fairy tales, that is you problem, but coming on here and admonishing those who don't believe the same none sense as you is just plain rude, Grow up dude!

Cliffy,
"You wouldn't know humour if it bit you on the ass... that is your ass not your asses ass. Grow up dude!"
I am returning your words to you; you are more worthy of such words.
From reading such words of yours, it may be you are a teenager or a child even.
This proves the morale and the education (or in fact the empty self-conceit) of many atheists like you, and demonstrate your non-sense so obviously.

God doesn't exist therefore atheists are not mocking him - they are mocking you; which is why you get so excited.

If you believed in god you wouldn't care what people believe and say. You care because you don't believe.

The sooner you figure out you're an atheist too eanassir the better off you'll be; you'll be able to start reading real books

At least you admit the problem. That is the first step.

Not you again

eanassir

As a believer in a higher power, I take extreme offense to your form of 'preaching' about religion. That you would bust into the middle of a humorous thread (even though it was put in the spirituality forum instead of jokes) to post comments about how atheists will burn in hell, is beyond reprehensible.

I have debated religion with Scott, with LGilbert, with Dexter, and with a host of other atheists on this forum, and not one of them has come by their beliefs lightly, or in any manner which a reasonable person could think would mean any of them deserve a place in hell. Only a lunatic god would cast someone into such a fate simply for not believing. The moral code and actions of a person are what counts much more than belief, and none of the atheists on our forum (that I can think of at least... lol) are lacking in morality.

No one deserves to have such a threat as hell cast at them at every turn, even if it is a hollow threat.

No, it's not me again. Its still me.

You bet.

As I pointed out before I was once a believer. I never would have thought I didn't really believe either but then one day it dawned on me: if I can't let my belief be challenged then my belief can't be real but if I let it be challenged I might find out god isn't real. So what am I afraid of? I am afraid that god might not be real or that I don't believe. How can one who is afraid say he believes? Well he can't, so right there I had to step up to the challenge. I see that you are afraid too which is why you cling to your book, like a Christian, and hide behind it.

Bloody hell! Even worse!

The funny thing is that i am not technically an atheist. I do believe in a higher form of consciousness but I don't call it god and i don't believe it requires me to bow down and kiss its butt. My beef is with nut cases that think they have a handle on the truth and then butt into a humour thread with that kind of none sense. Poor bugger. When he dies he will be in for one hell of a let down.

17,000 atheists in the Middle East rioted this week after a blank sheet of paper was found on a cartoonist's desk.

Ignorance of what you don't know dumb, everyone knows the Gouled gave us life and made us what we are.

Would you mind translating this into English for us dumbs?

Not all people are alike in many respects; here I remember the Quran aya
quranandhebrewbible.t35.com