Your life appears to have absolutely no meaning so you go searching for a meaning, you search for a goal. As long as you are searching for a goal, and as long as you are searching for meaning you will remain wandering around restlessly. 'There must after all be something meaningful to do, something with more content, something more interesting than what I'm doing now', you tell yourself. And the only thing you can do is to change yourself, hmm? But in reality there is no possibility of changing. Do you thoroughly realize that ? The only change takes place in your thought structure, you begin to think differently and therefore to experience and feel things differently. Basically however everything remains exactly as it was. You can change your clothes and only wear the most 'fashionable' clothing just to be 'in', but inside you are still the same. Wanting to understand is only useful for changing small things in yourself. There is nothing you can do to change the past.