The Noughties gets a big fat zero from me

The Forties are remembered for the War, the Blitz, doodlebugs, Hitler and concentration camps. The Fifties for RockNRoll. The Sixties for the Beatles and flower power. The Seventies, in Britain, for socialism, strikes, power cuts and the Winter of Discontent. The Eighties for Thatcher and the New Romantics. The Nineties for New Labour, Britpop, Oasis and Blur.

But, now that we are about to enter a new decade, what will the Noughties be remembered for? Of course, everyone will think of 9/11 the moment the Noughties crosses their mind. So, too, will they think of foot-and-mouth disease, ASBOs, the Millennium Dome, jihad, Bin Laden and rubbish music.

No wonder Brian Reade can't wait to see the back of the Noughties. Is it really the worst decade since the 1940s?

The Noughties gets a big fat zero from me

By Brian Reade
The Mirror

In 2029, a TV show will be made called I Love The Noughties where Graham Norton/Fearne Cotton clones drool nostalgically over meterosexuals and Kerry Katona.

They will say the decade that ends next month “rocked”.

And they will be lying. Because not only was The Noughties the worst name ever given to any decade, it was probably the worst one any of us without a free bus pass has had to endure.

The Noughties will forever be remembered as being the decade of 9/11

Looking back on it is almost as painful as looking at 40 photos of the office bore’s new baby. From the opening non-event in the Millennium Dome and the opening story, the Millennium Bug, it’s been 10 years of scares and scams. From jihad to Jedward, a decade that effectively started with a bang (9/11) and ended with a twitter.

We had a war based on a lie, global warming, Harold Shipman, earthquakes, Tony Blair, Hurricane Katrina, George Bush and the tsunami. Evils that wiped out millions. Culturally it was a wasteland. Think of the big films, and you’re looking at Lord Of The Rings, Mamma Mia and the vomit-inducing schmaltz of Love Actually.

Phew! What a decade!

2000: Pope John Paul II makes the first official visit by a Roman Catholic pontiff to Israel. A Concorde, Air France Flight 4590, crashes into a hotel in Gonesse, north-eastern Paris, killing all 109 people onboard and 4 people in the hotel, just after take-off from Paris. The Paulsgrove Riot takes place in Portsmouth, England. Over 100 people lay siege to a block of flats which allegedly holds a convicted paedophile. Chelsea beat Aston Villa 1-0 in the FA Cup Final. Jammy France just about beat Italy in the Euro2000 Final - trailing 1-0, France score an equaliser in the 94th minute, before winning the match in the resulting extra time thanks to a Golden Goal. Sydney hosts the Summer Olympics.

2001: 800 people are killed when an earthquake strikes El Salvador. Foot-and-mouth disease hits Britain, killing 10 million cattle. It was a disaster, dominating headlines unil September 11th. Around 3,000 people are killed in the 9/11 attacks in New York. Tony Blair wins a second successive term as British Prime Minister. Liverpool beat Arsenal 2-1 in the FA Cup Final.

2002: Euro notes and coins are issued. Elizabeth II gives New York mayor Rudolph Giuliani an honorary knighthood. The Bali bombings kill 202 people. Arsenal beat Chelsea 2-0 in the FA Cup Final. Brazil win the World Cup for a record fifth time, beating Germany 2-0 in the Final.

2003: The Space Shuttle Columbia disintegrates over Texas, killing all 7 astronauts onboard. Newspapers in Britain report sightings of a superhero. The caped crusader wore a monkey mask and a cape, and had a large brown "O" emblazoned on his chest. He helped old ladies to cross the road, escorted people home from a pub and saved people from harassing youths. Britain experiences heat of over 100F for the first time ever recorded, when Faversham, Kent, sweltered in 101.3F heat. Arsenal beat Southampton 1-0 in the FA Cup Final.

2004: British serial killer, Dr Harold Shipman, who murdered 250 people, hangs himself in his prison cell. 10 countries join the EU, increasing its size to 25 states. Tony Blair is hit with a purple four bomb in the House of Commons. Canada win the World Ice Hockey Championship. Manchester United beat Milwall 3-0 in the FA Cup Final. Greece beat Portugal 1-0 in the Euro2004 Final. Greece also hosts the Summer Olympics.

2005: 56 people, including the four suicide bombers, are killed and 700 injured in a series of explosions in London. The Airbus A380 makes its maiden flight. Pope John Paul II dies. Tony Blair wins a third term as British Prime Minister. Arsenal and Manchester United draw 0-0 in the FA Cup Final, with Arsenal winning 5-4 on penalties. London wins the bid to host the 2012 Summer Olympics.

2006: An Egyptian passenger ferry sinks in the Red Sea, killing 1,400 people. Lordi win the Eurovision Song Contest for Finland, the first hard rock band to win the competition. An RAF Nimrod crashes in Afghanistan, killing all 14 people onboard. Liverpool and West Ham draw 3-3 in an incredible FA Cup Final, Liverpool winning 3-1 on penalties. Italy and France draw 1-1 in the World Cup Final, Italy winning 5-3 on penalties. France's Zidane is sent off for headbutting Italy's Materazzi in the chest. England are mocked for bringing the WAGs (players' wives and girlfriends) top the tournament.

2007: Police defuse a bomb outside a nightclub in London's Haymarket. Gordon Brown becomes British Prime Minister. Former Pakistan Prime Minister Benazzhir Bhutto is assasinated. The new Wembley Stadium opens. Chelsea beat Manchester United 1-0 in the FA Cup Final

2008: British building society Northern Rock is put into state control. The QE2 undertakes her last voyage. Greenland votes for increased outonomy from Denmark. British doctors perform the first operation using bionic eyes. India breaks a world record by sending 10 satellites into orbit in a single launch. Portsmouth beat Cardiff City 1-0 in the FA Cup Final. Spain beat Germany 1-0 in the Final of Euro2008. Beijing hosts the Summer Olympics.

2009: 300 people are killed as an earthquake strikes Italy. The Sri Lankan Civil War ends. Swine flu is deemed a global pandemic. Herman Van Rompuy becomes the first President of the EU. Rwanda joines the Commonwealth. Slovakia adopts the Euro. An Italian court sentences American Amanda Knox and Italian Raffaele Sollecito to 26 years and 25 years respectively for the murder of British student Meredith Kercher. Chelsea beat Everton 2-1 in the FA Cup Final.

In books, publishers stopped taking gambles on new novelists in favour of celebrity memoirs from barely-literates who had barely spent time on earth.

Fashion-wise Trinny and Tranny told us what not to wear despite looking like a pair of old slappers and Gordon Ramsay and Jamie Oliver told us what not to eat despite looking like five-star Michelin Men.

It was the decade music died.

A recent survey showed almost 50% of chart hits now come from soulless acts who made it on reality talent shows. Study listings for your big local venues and all you’ll see are 80s groups chasing another tragic pay-day.

Facebook, Twitter, MSN, Friends Reunited and the requirement to be permanently on a mobile phone either gassing or texting, meant for the first time ever, humans actually stopped talking to each other.

Kids became officially screwed. No jobs, pensions or affordable houses, just crippling loans. MPs became official screwers. Reckless bankers who almost bankrupted us were made charity cases.

Their bonuses deemed more precious than the price of a dying soldier’s boots.

It was the OK! decade epitomised by WAGs hanging on to the coat-tails of criminally overpaid footballers. And Jade Goody. Scorned for being thick, ostracised for being racist, and eventually sanctified for selling her death.

A decade as false and frightening as the bleached teeth on the people who profited from it.

I Loved The Noughties? Sure. It’s right up there with the 1340s. When the Black Death rocked.
Last edited by Blackleaf; Dec 13th, 2009 at 03:00 PM..
He wrote a book this decade. Maybe he's sour it didn't sell better.
The noughties (first time I have come across this word), certainly did not hold a candle to the 90s. In the 90s, Clinton was in office, the economy was booming, stock markets were riding sky high. People became rich in the 90s. 90s was indeed a golden decade.

Along came the noughties, Bush and Darth Vader were in power. All of a sudden, budget surplus went out of fashion, deficit became fashionable again. Peace, compromise, diplomacy became dirty words, war became glorious once again. Bush embarked upon two major wars, one justified, the other not.

We had two huge meltdowns, the dotcom meltdown and the recent, even bigger meltdown. The Republican Congress and Bush royally screwed everybody.

It is indeed USA that sets the trend. 90s were a great decade because Clinton set the trend. Noughties were a horrible decade because Bush (and Darth Vader) set the trend.

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