To be or not to be, innit: Shakespeare gets a chav makeover

Yesterday, 23rd April, was not only St George's Day - England's national day - but also the birthday (and the date of the death) of William Shakespeare, England's greatest playwright. So it's two celebrations on one day.

But now some of Shakespeare's greatest plays have been re-written so that Chavs - what we call some of the youths of Britain who dress in Burberry and spangly chains and don't quite have a grasp on "de Inglish langwidge" - can understand them better....

To be or not to be, innit: Shakespeare gets a chav makeover

By Sally Peck
The Telegraph

Generations of schoolchildren have complained of the inaccessibility of Shakespeare's classic works.

However, with the help of a British satirist, the Ali G generation will have no trouble relating to Hamlet's woes when they read: "Dere was somefing minging in de State of Denmark."

In Martin Baum's updated version of 15 of Shakespeare's classic plays in "yoof speak", the Danish prince, who is re-named 'Amlet, asks: "To be or not to be, innit?", and Romeo pines for his "fit bitch Jools".

Ali G meets Will S

Mr Baum's chav-speak Shakespeare, which takes its title from 'Amlet's query, includes titles such as Macbeff, Much Ado About Sod All, De 'Appy Bitches of Windsor, De Taming of de Bitch, Two Geezas Of Verona and All's Sweet That Ends Sweet, Innit.

Following the well-trodden path of modern interpretations of the Bard's works, Mr Baum, 48, says his versions, while abridged, remain true to the original formats of Shakespeare's classics, retaining "the important sexist, duplicitous, cross-dressing and violent moments that made William Shakespeare well wicked."

Mr Baum's version of Romeo and Juliet sets the scene for the star-crossed lovers with: "Verona was de turf of de feuding Montagues and de Capulet families.

"And coz they was always brawling and stuff, de prince of Verona told them to cool it or else they was gonna get well mashed if they carried on larging it with each other."

If the Bard was living today, Mr Baum writes on his website, he would "still be writing in the Globe turf, getting loads of respect from the Stratford upon Avon massive and producing works of pure genius."


Here are some extracts of Shakespeare plays written in "Chav-speak", so that Britain's youth (or "yoof") can understand them better...

Romeo and his Fit Bitch Jools

Verona was de turf of de feuding Montagues and de Capulet families. And coz they was always brawling and stuff, de Prince of Verona told them to cool it or else they was gonna get well mashed if they carried on larging it with each other.

Meanwhile, whilst all dis was going on, Romeo, from de Montague posse, had become all jiggy jiggy with de Rosaline bitch who was de niece of de Capulet massive. But never ready to settle with just de one bitch, Romeo and his boyz disguised demselves and crashed de Capulet turf where dere was de masked ball going down, and that was when he saw de well fit Capulet’s daughta, Jools.

Amlet, Prince of Denmark

Dere was somefing minging in de State of Denmark which was making Amlet all uncool. First, his Uncle Claudius had married his muvva, de main bitch Queen Gertrude. Then de Norwegian Fortinbras massive was freatening to invade de Danish turf and finally, and quite unexpectedly, de rank ghost of his nutty farva was spooking de crap out of him. De minging ghost told Amlet he was poisoned by Claudius and wanted him to do somefing about it. Amlet said “Aiii,” and reckoned de best way was to pretend to go all loony toons to make everyone fink he was barking, including Ophelia, de fit bitch he wanted to be all jiggy jiggy with.

Jools Caesar

Jools Caesar was de man with de plan in de Roman massive, who was getting maximum respect for mashing de minging Gauls and de Pompey warriors. Even his bro Mark Antney fought he was de main man, but not everyone was so cool with Jools. De senators, for instance, didn’t like de way he’d been larging it and was being so wicked with everyone. They weren’t happy with him bossing de turf like he owned it and they was desperate to do somefing about it.


Macbeff and Banquo were two bruvvas from de hood and part of de well wicked King Duncan massive. They hung togevva and were always getting maximum respect from all de boyz in de ghetto. All was well in de home turf until one day after they mashed de Thane of Cawdor, they encountered three rank witches who gave them de heavy prophecy. De three mingers hailed Macbeff as Thane of Glamis, de next Thane of Cawdor, and de future main King geeza. So you could say that as far as prophecies went, it was well wicked for Macbeff.

Richard de Fird

Richard’s got issues. Although he was already de Duke of Gloucester, he was not happy coz what he wanted more than anyfing was to be de King of all England. However, dere was already two reasons why de King fing had not happened for Richard which was his older bruvvas. De first bruvva, Edward, was already de King and de second bruvva, George, de Duke of Clarence, who was next in line to de throne if anyfing unfortunate happened to Edward’s young nippas.
be back...with reviews..

Similar Threads

Internet chav guide a surprise success
by Blackleaf | Aug 16th, 2006
no new posts