Another year has gone by in which Britain has been run by the loony liberal Guardianistas.
As a result, the Daily Mail's Richard Littlejohn has had to continue his one-man war against Political Correctness, Elf 'N Safety madness and other Left-wing lunacies.
Like previous years, 2014 has seen Britain's Left-wing politicians, councillors, bumbling bureaucrats and Guardianistas give Littlejohn plenty of material for his brilliant columns.
Now it’s time to test yourself on the true stories from the Littlejohn column which paint a real portrait of the state of this Left-wing run nation in 2014.
I'll give you a little help. The answer to each of the multiple choice questions isn't as difficult as you may think (answers at the bottom)....
Makes you proud to be British 2014! Spatula spankings, dwarf strippers and Buss Pass Elvis... It's time to test yourself on the best of Littlejohn's column from this year
By Richard Littlejohn
27 December 2014
Daily Mail
Never mind showbiz hype, the rise of Ukip or the shenanigans inside the Westminster bubble. It’s time to test yourself on the true stories from the Littlejohn column which paint a real portrait of the state of the nation in 2014...
1. Keith Vaz MP met the first wave of Romanian immigrants arriving at Luton Airport. Did he:
a) Ask to see their passports.
b) Remind them aggressive begging is a criminal offence.
c) Buy them a coffee and a ham and cheese panini.
2. Electricity company First Utility issued the following advice on reducing energy bills:
1) Turn down your thermostat.
2) Install double glazing.
3) Stop boiling kettles, cut down on tea and coffee, switch off the lights and television and go to bed early.
3. Travelodge released a list of items left behind in its hotel rooms. What did the items include?
a) A life-size cut out of Joey Essex.
b) An inflatable Buddha, a 6ft wooden cross and a pet owl.
c) All of the above.
4. Katy Holmes was given an eight-week suspended sentence by Blackpool magistrates after pleading guilty to:
a) Shoplifting.
b) Reckless driving.
c) Having sex on a car bonnet at 9.45am with a complete stranger she’d met in a newsagents’ 15 minutes earlier. He made his escape by scaling a metal fence with his trousers round his ankles.
5. Monkeys at Paignton Zoo were put on a diet by keepers who banned them from eating:
a) Kentucky Fried Chicken.
b) Pizzas.
c) Bananas.
6. In York, people arrested for being drunk and disorderly in the city centre were sentenced:
a) To jail.
b) To drying out clinics.
c) To taxpayer-funded counselling sessions to help them address their ‘self-esteem issues’.
7. Thieves who staged a series of robberies at British Army bases escaped with:
a) Half a dozen Land Rovers.
b) Guns and ammunition.
c) £6,000 worth of Viagra.
8. During the floods, dredging in the Thames Valley was abandoned because:
a) They ran out of money.
b) The water subsided naturally.
c) They wanted to protect the natural habitat of a rare species of mollusc, called the Depressed River Mussel.
9. Ever-vigilant airport security screeners at Heathrow confiscated a dangerous weapon which could have been used to bring down a plane. What was it?
a) A shoe bomb.
b) A duffle bag full of plastic explosives.
c) A miniature gun from a model of Woody, the cowboy from Toy Story.
10. Two female firearms officers received a £70,000 compensation settlement because:
a) They had been turned down for promotion.
b) They had suffered serious sexual harassment.
c) Their ‘petite’ hands are too small to hold standard issue weapons and regulation body armour is too big.
Was Woody confiscated by airport security staff at Heathrow over fears he was carrying a dangerous weapon?
11. Following this case, Home Office scientists announced they were working on a new range of body armour because:
a) It will provide extra protection against gunshots.
b) It will prevent stab wounds and resist chemical attacks.
c) It is specially designed to protect female officers who have had boob jobs and are in mortal danger of their breast implants exploding on duty.
12. A court heard that former headmaster Graham Jones bent his wife over a freezer in the garage, pulled down her pyjama bottoms, spanked her with a spatula and turned on a tumble dryer to muffle her screams. What was his excuse?
a) They’d read Fifty Shades Of Grey and decided to give S&M a whirl.
b) He couldn’t find a cat o’ nine tails.
c) She’d been unfaithful and he thought this would persuade her to stay with him. Who said romance is dead?
13. Cromer Council cemeteries department prohibited mourners:
a) Smoking.
b) Leaning on headstones.
c) Laying loose flowers on graves because they’re ‘untidy’. They also banned flowerpots and vases as a safety hazard.
14. A deaf woman from Musselburgh, East Lothian, pleaded guilty to drink-driving after mowing down a cyclist. She was driving:
a) A Harley Davidson.
b) A hot hatchback from Top Gear.
c) A mobility scooter.
15. A DHL transport warehouse in Swindon made what special arrangements for new recruits from Eastern Europe:
a) Laid on English lessons.
b) Gave them time off for religious festivals.
c) Installed hole-in-the-floor toilets because the recruits couldn’t use conventional British lavatories. Despite signs illustrating the right way to go about it, they still insisted on standing on the seats and making the most appalling mess.
16. Romanian Simon Calin had been in Britain for just seven days when he was arrested for stealing 54 bottles of whisky, worth £1,000, from Tesco. Magistrates:
a) Sent him to prison.
b) Ordered his deportation.
c) Fined him £85, but were told they couldn’t sentence him to community service because he didn’t speak English and therefore wouldn’t be able to read the elf’n’safety instructions.
17. Soft porn model Sophie Dalzell, from Manchester, escaped jail despite twice breaching a probation order. Dalzell, who has 11 previous convictions, said she couldn’t attend because:
a) She had been seriously ill.
b) Her mum had been in an accident and she had to look after her.
c) She was in Belgium having surgery to increase her bust size from 32DD to 32GG and she had a letter from her plastic surgeon to prove it.
18. Dorset Police published a picture of a suspect wanted for armed robbery. What was unusual about the photo?
a) He had several distinguishing marks, including just one eye and a 6in scar on his face.
b) He was wearing dark glasses and his face was covered in lurid tattoos.
c) His face was obscured by a black balaclava. Police also refused to publish his height, build or accent, on the grounds it ‘prejudiced his right to a fair trial’ under the Human Rights Act.
What happened when James Lusted, who stands just 3ft 7in tall, took his fiancee for a romantic meal at a Harvester in Cardiff?
19. A 35-year-old woman from Daventry was asked for proof of identity at a local Co-op store when she tried to buy:
a) A set of super-sharp kitchen knives.
b) Six sacks of fertiliser and a detonator.
c) A rum’n’raisin yoghurt.
20. The low-point of the Lib Dems’ year came when their candidate in a council by-election in Nottinghamshire was beaten into fourth place by:
a) Ukip.
b) The Greens.
c) Lord Biro, from the Bus Pass Elvis Party.
Lord Biro, the leader of the Bus Pass Elvis Party
21. Diners at a restaurant in Hove were invited to sign a waiver before entering a contest to eat ‘Britain’s spiciest burger’. Two men rose to the challenge. What was their reward?
a) Free burgers for life.
b) A special T-shirt and their pictures on the wall of fame.
c) Anaphylactic shock and a perforated bowel.
22. A showpiece £1.75 million fire station in Downham Market:
a) Was opened by the Queen.
b) Was closed because of the savage cuts.
c) Burned down because they had forgotten to fit either sprinklers or a fire alarm.
23. How did Suffolk Police launch a special crime prevention campaign?
a) They took out radio adverts and put up posters across the county.
b) They sent crime prevention officers into schools and workplaces.
c) They dressed up an officer in a giant, grey Big Bad Wolf costume and told him to attempt to break in to garden sheds and parked cars in order to ‘raise awareness’. He didn’t have much success, but he did manage to ‘steal’ a fishing rod.
24. A kebab shop owner from Midhurst, West Sussex, was prosecuted for what public health officials described as one of the worst breaches of food hygiene laws they had ever seen. He was called:
a) Theo Kletfiko.
b) Sami Stifado.
c) Mustafa Dogdhu.
25. Labour’s big ideas for promoting ‘healthy lifestyles’ included banning:
a) Super-strength cider.
b) E-cigarettes.
c) Children’s breakfast cereals such as Frosties and Sugar Puffs.
These poor monkeys at Paignton Zoo were put on a diet - but what were they banned from eating?
26. The NHS spent £30,000 on providing 32st Chris McDonnell with four years of anti-obesity treatments, including tummy tucks and a gastric band. He demonstrated his gratitude by:
a) Slimming down to 12st and running a marathon for hospital charities.
b) Retraining as a doctor.
c) Liquidising Mars bars, kebabs and pizzas in a blender so he could guzzle them down through a straw.
27. Lieutenant Kirsty Wallace received £1 million compensation from the Navy for injuries sustained when she:
a) Suffered serious burns during a training exercise using live ammunition.
b) Was shot while leading a raiding party to rescue British hostages being held by Somali pirates.
c) Fell off the top of a 30ft-high human pyramid during alcohol-fuelled high jinks in the officers’ mess.
28. The Ministry of Defence commissioned 48 F-35 ‘stealth’ fighter planes at a cost of up to £100 million each. The only problem was:
a) A design flaw means they won’t be able to operate from our new fleet of aircraft carriers.
b) The cost of the planes means there’s no money left for pilot training.
c) Er, they’re not actually ‘invisible’ to enemy radar, which rather defeats the object of ‘stealth’ planes.
29. Police in Birmingham released details of an emergency call made by a woman in distress in a park.
a) She’d been mugged.
b) She wanted to report a sexual assault.
c) An ice cream vendor hadn’t put enough sprinkles on her cornet and she wanted him arrested.
30. A full-scale fight broke out at Manchester railway station between United fans and a stag party in Where’s Wally costumes. Meanwhile, Devon and Cornwall Police reported that they had arrested more than 30 people in fancy dress, including:
a) Jesus, Sherlock Holmes and Super Mario.
b) Catwoman and a man dressed as a traffic cone.
c) All of the above.
31. Two Pakistanis were intercepted by immigration officials in Kent. They were attempting to enter Britain illegally:
a) Stowed in a container lorry.
b) Hanging underneath the Eurostar.
c) Bobbing up and down off the coast in a children’s rubber dinghy.
Is it true that a woman phoned 999 because an ice cream vendor hadn’t put enough sprinkles on her ice cream?
32. There was a mini-crisis at the exclusive, mixed-sex Stowe boarding school, in Buckinghamshire, when they ran out of:
a) Text books.
b) Exercise books.
c) Morning-after pills.
33. A primary school in Rottingdean, East Sussex, scrapped separate Boys’ and Girls’ toilets as part of an ‘anti-transphobia’ initiative. How many transsexual, etc pupils are there at the school?
a) One.
b) Ten.
c) None.
34. Councillors in North Yorkshire reported that their local PCSO spends six hours of his eight-hour shift walking between villages. Why is this?
a) It’s part of a bold initiative to put bobbies back on the beat.
b) They can’t afford a police car because of the savage cuts.
c) He hasn’t passed his Cycling Proficiency Test.
35. A Spanish woman who had sex with a dwarf stripper on her hen night was forced to confess all to her husband when she gave birth to a dwarf baby. Meanwhile, what happened when James Lusted, who stands just 3ft 7in tall, took his fiancee for a romantic meal at a Harvester in Cardiff?
a) The management sent over champagne on the house.
b) James was given the children’s menu by mistake.
c) The waitress handed him a colouring book and some crayons.
36. A college in Burnley was fined £20,000 after an employee fell off a ladder and broke his back. The college specialises in:
a) Media studies.
b) Foreign languages.
c) Health and Safety training.
37. Two homosexuals hired three women they found on the internet to produce three babies for them. The children are called:
a) Peter, Paul and Mary.
b) Huey, Lewey and Dewey.
c) The Twiplets.
38. A woman who took her child into a mother-and-baby changing room in Dawlish was surprised to find:
a) There was no toilet paper.
b) There was no soap.
c) A half-naked woman in a leprechaun costume having sex with a man dressed as Tigger, from Winnie The Pooh.
39. A witness from Sierra Leone gave evidence for an hour at Inner London Crown Court before it became apparent:
a) She hadn’t taken the oath.
b) She wasn’t telling the truth.
c) She didn’t speak a word of English.
40. On the 50th anniversary of Top of The Pops, the BBC scrapped plans to broadcast the very first show. Why?
a) They’d wiped the tape.
b) It featured Rolf Harris singing Two Little Boys.
c) It was presented by Jimmy Savile, who remains dead.
You’ve probably worked out that the correct answer to every question is C. Makes you proud to be British!
As a result, the Daily Mail's Richard Littlejohn has had to continue his one-man war against Political Correctness, Elf 'N Safety madness and other Left-wing lunacies.
Like previous years, 2014 has seen Britain's Left-wing politicians, councillors, bumbling bureaucrats and Guardianistas give Littlejohn plenty of material for his brilliant columns.
Now it’s time to test yourself on the true stories from the Littlejohn column which paint a real portrait of the state of this Left-wing run nation in 2014.
I'll give you a little help. The answer to each of the multiple choice questions isn't as difficult as you may think (answers at the bottom)....
Makes you proud to be British 2014! Spatula spankings, dwarf strippers and Buss Pass Elvis... It's time to test yourself on the best of Littlejohn's column from this year
By Richard Littlejohn
27 December 2014
Daily Mail
Never mind showbiz hype, the rise of Ukip or the shenanigans inside the Westminster bubble. It’s time to test yourself on the true stories from the Littlejohn column which paint a real portrait of the state of the nation in 2014...
1. Keith Vaz MP met the first wave of Romanian immigrants arriving at Luton Airport. Did he:
a) Ask to see their passports.
b) Remind them aggressive begging is a criminal offence.
c) Buy them a coffee and a ham and cheese panini.
2. Electricity company First Utility issued the following advice on reducing energy bills:
1) Turn down your thermostat.
2) Install double glazing.
3) Stop boiling kettles, cut down on tea and coffee, switch off the lights and television and go to bed early.
3. Travelodge released a list of items left behind in its hotel rooms. What did the items include?
a) A life-size cut out of Joey Essex.
b) An inflatable Buddha, a 6ft wooden cross and a pet owl.
c) All of the above.
4. Katy Holmes was given an eight-week suspended sentence by Blackpool magistrates after pleading guilty to:
a) Shoplifting.
b) Reckless driving.
c) Having sex on a car bonnet at 9.45am with a complete stranger she’d met in a newsagents’ 15 minutes earlier. He made his escape by scaling a metal fence with his trousers round his ankles.
5. Monkeys at Paignton Zoo were put on a diet by keepers who banned them from eating:
a) Kentucky Fried Chicken.
b) Pizzas.
c) Bananas.
6. In York, people arrested for being drunk and disorderly in the city centre were sentenced:
a) To jail.
b) To drying out clinics.
c) To taxpayer-funded counselling sessions to help them address their ‘self-esteem issues’.
7. Thieves who staged a series of robberies at British Army bases escaped with:
a) Half a dozen Land Rovers.
b) Guns and ammunition.
c) £6,000 worth of Viagra.
8. During the floods, dredging in the Thames Valley was abandoned because:
a) They ran out of money.
b) The water subsided naturally.
c) They wanted to protect the natural habitat of a rare species of mollusc, called the Depressed River Mussel.
9. Ever-vigilant airport security screeners at Heathrow confiscated a dangerous weapon which could have been used to bring down a plane. What was it?
a) A shoe bomb.
b) A duffle bag full of plastic explosives.
c) A miniature gun from a model of Woody, the cowboy from Toy Story.
10. Two female firearms officers received a £70,000 compensation settlement because:
a) They had been turned down for promotion.
b) They had suffered serious sexual harassment.
c) Their ‘petite’ hands are too small to hold standard issue weapons and regulation body armour is too big.
Was Woody confiscated by airport security staff at Heathrow over fears he was carrying a dangerous weapon?
11. Following this case, Home Office scientists announced they were working on a new range of body armour because:
a) It will provide extra protection against gunshots.
b) It will prevent stab wounds and resist chemical attacks.
c) It is specially designed to protect female officers who have had boob jobs and are in mortal danger of their breast implants exploding on duty.
12. A court heard that former headmaster Graham Jones bent his wife over a freezer in the garage, pulled down her pyjama bottoms, spanked her with a spatula and turned on a tumble dryer to muffle her screams. What was his excuse?
a) They’d read Fifty Shades Of Grey and decided to give S&M a whirl.
b) He couldn’t find a cat o’ nine tails.
c) She’d been unfaithful and he thought this would persuade her to stay with him. Who said romance is dead?
13. Cromer Council cemeteries department prohibited mourners:
a) Smoking.
b) Leaning on headstones.
c) Laying loose flowers on graves because they’re ‘untidy’. They also banned flowerpots and vases as a safety hazard.
14. A deaf woman from Musselburgh, East Lothian, pleaded guilty to drink-driving after mowing down a cyclist. She was driving:
a) A Harley Davidson.
b) A hot hatchback from Top Gear.
c) A mobility scooter.
15. A DHL transport warehouse in Swindon made what special arrangements for new recruits from Eastern Europe:
a) Laid on English lessons.
b) Gave them time off for religious festivals.
c) Installed hole-in-the-floor toilets because the recruits couldn’t use conventional British lavatories. Despite signs illustrating the right way to go about it, they still insisted on standing on the seats and making the most appalling mess.
16. Romanian Simon Calin had been in Britain for just seven days when he was arrested for stealing 54 bottles of whisky, worth £1,000, from Tesco. Magistrates:
a) Sent him to prison.
b) Ordered his deportation.
c) Fined him £85, but were told they couldn’t sentence him to community service because he didn’t speak English and therefore wouldn’t be able to read the elf’n’safety instructions.
17. Soft porn model Sophie Dalzell, from Manchester, escaped jail despite twice breaching a probation order. Dalzell, who has 11 previous convictions, said she couldn’t attend because:
a) She had been seriously ill.
b) Her mum had been in an accident and she had to look after her.
c) She was in Belgium having surgery to increase her bust size from 32DD to 32GG and she had a letter from her plastic surgeon to prove it.
18. Dorset Police published a picture of a suspect wanted for armed robbery. What was unusual about the photo?
a) He had several distinguishing marks, including just one eye and a 6in scar on his face.
b) He was wearing dark glasses and his face was covered in lurid tattoos.
c) His face was obscured by a black balaclava. Police also refused to publish his height, build or accent, on the grounds it ‘prejudiced his right to a fair trial’ under the Human Rights Act.
What happened when James Lusted, who stands just 3ft 7in tall, took his fiancee for a romantic meal at a Harvester in Cardiff?
19. A 35-year-old woman from Daventry was asked for proof of identity at a local Co-op store when she tried to buy:
a) A set of super-sharp kitchen knives.
b) Six sacks of fertiliser and a detonator.
c) A rum’n’raisin yoghurt.
20. The low-point of the Lib Dems’ year came when their candidate in a council by-election in Nottinghamshire was beaten into fourth place by:
a) Ukip.
b) The Greens.
c) Lord Biro, from the Bus Pass Elvis Party.
Lord Biro, the leader of the Bus Pass Elvis Party
21. Diners at a restaurant in Hove were invited to sign a waiver before entering a contest to eat ‘Britain’s spiciest burger’. Two men rose to the challenge. What was their reward?
a) Free burgers for life.
b) A special T-shirt and their pictures on the wall of fame.
c) Anaphylactic shock and a perforated bowel.
22. A showpiece £1.75 million fire station in Downham Market:
a) Was opened by the Queen.
b) Was closed because of the savage cuts.
c) Burned down because they had forgotten to fit either sprinklers or a fire alarm.
23. How did Suffolk Police launch a special crime prevention campaign?
a) They took out radio adverts and put up posters across the county.
b) They sent crime prevention officers into schools and workplaces.
c) They dressed up an officer in a giant, grey Big Bad Wolf costume and told him to attempt to break in to garden sheds and parked cars in order to ‘raise awareness’. He didn’t have much success, but he did manage to ‘steal’ a fishing rod.
24. A kebab shop owner from Midhurst, West Sussex, was prosecuted for what public health officials described as one of the worst breaches of food hygiene laws they had ever seen. He was called:
a) Theo Kletfiko.
b) Sami Stifado.
c) Mustafa Dogdhu.
25. Labour’s big ideas for promoting ‘healthy lifestyles’ included banning:
a) Super-strength cider.
b) E-cigarettes.
c) Children’s breakfast cereals such as Frosties and Sugar Puffs.
These poor monkeys at Paignton Zoo were put on a diet - but what were they banned from eating?
26. The NHS spent £30,000 on providing 32st Chris McDonnell with four years of anti-obesity treatments, including tummy tucks and a gastric band. He demonstrated his gratitude by:
a) Slimming down to 12st and running a marathon for hospital charities.
b) Retraining as a doctor.
c) Liquidising Mars bars, kebabs and pizzas in a blender so he could guzzle them down through a straw.
27. Lieutenant Kirsty Wallace received £1 million compensation from the Navy for injuries sustained when she:
a) Suffered serious burns during a training exercise using live ammunition.
b) Was shot while leading a raiding party to rescue British hostages being held by Somali pirates.
c) Fell off the top of a 30ft-high human pyramid during alcohol-fuelled high jinks in the officers’ mess.
28. The Ministry of Defence commissioned 48 F-35 ‘stealth’ fighter planes at a cost of up to £100 million each. The only problem was:
a) A design flaw means they won’t be able to operate from our new fleet of aircraft carriers.
b) The cost of the planes means there’s no money left for pilot training.
c) Er, they’re not actually ‘invisible’ to enemy radar, which rather defeats the object of ‘stealth’ planes.
29. Police in Birmingham released details of an emergency call made by a woman in distress in a park.
a) She’d been mugged.
b) She wanted to report a sexual assault.
c) An ice cream vendor hadn’t put enough sprinkles on her cornet and she wanted him arrested.
30. A full-scale fight broke out at Manchester railway station between United fans and a stag party in Where’s Wally costumes. Meanwhile, Devon and Cornwall Police reported that they had arrested more than 30 people in fancy dress, including:
a) Jesus, Sherlock Holmes and Super Mario.
b) Catwoman and a man dressed as a traffic cone.
c) All of the above.
31. Two Pakistanis were intercepted by immigration officials in Kent. They were attempting to enter Britain illegally:
a) Stowed in a container lorry.
b) Hanging underneath the Eurostar.
c) Bobbing up and down off the coast in a children’s rubber dinghy.
Is it true that a woman phoned 999 because an ice cream vendor hadn’t put enough sprinkles on her ice cream?
32. There was a mini-crisis at the exclusive, mixed-sex Stowe boarding school, in Buckinghamshire, when they ran out of:
a) Text books.
b) Exercise books.
c) Morning-after pills.
33. A primary school in Rottingdean, East Sussex, scrapped separate Boys’ and Girls’ toilets as part of an ‘anti-transphobia’ initiative. How many transsexual, etc pupils are there at the school?
a) One.
b) Ten.
c) None.
34. Councillors in North Yorkshire reported that their local PCSO spends six hours of his eight-hour shift walking between villages. Why is this?
a) It’s part of a bold initiative to put bobbies back on the beat.
b) They can’t afford a police car because of the savage cuts.
c) He hasn’t passed his Cycling Proficiency Test.
35. A Spanish woman who had sex with a dwarf stripper on her hen night was forced to confess all to her husband when she gave birth to a dwarf baby. Meanwhile, what happened when James Lusted, who stands just 3ft 7in tall, took his fiancee for a romantic meal at a Harvester in Cardiff?
a) The management sent over champagne on the house.
b) James was given the children’s menu by mistake.
c) The waitress handed him a colouring book and some crayons.
36. A college in Burnley was fined £20,000 after an employee fell off a ladder and broke his back. The college specialises in:
a) Media studies.
b) Foreign languages.
c) Health and Safety training.
37. Two homosexuals hired three women they found on the internet to produce three babies for them. The children are called:
a) Peter, Paul and Mary.
b) Huey, Lewey and Dewey.
c) The Twiplets.
38. A woman who took her child into a mother-and-baby changing room in Dawlish was surprised to find:
a) There was no toilet paper.
b) There was no soap.
c) A half-naked woman in a leprechaun costume having sex with a man dressed as Tigger, from Winnie The Pooh.
39. A witness from Sierra Leone gave evidence for an hour at Inner London Crown Court before it became apparent:
a) She hadn’t taken the oath.
b) She wasn’t telling the truth.
c) She didn’t speak a word of English.
40. On the 50th anniversary of Top of The Pops, the BBC scrapped plans to broadcast the very first show. Why?
a) They’d wiped the tape.
b) It featured Rolf Harris singing Two Little Boys.
c) It was presented by Jimmy Savile, who remains dead.
You’ve probably worked out that the correct answer to every question is C. Makes you proud to be British!
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