Ricky Gervais' new jokes
Office joker ... British comedian Ricky Gervais, star of hit BBC comedy The Office, is hilarious
By MICHAEL DEACON
November 29, 2006
RICKY Gervais has performed for the first time the new jokes he'll be telling on his 2007 stand-up tour – and The Sun can give you a sneak preview.
The "chubby comedian" (or "rotund funnyman", or "tubby funster" – see below) played a tiny warm-up show in London on Sunday night.
The new tour will be entitled Fame. Like those on his previous tours Politics and Animals (in which he ended up writing a book in which he "invented" new types of funny animals), Gervais' latest gags – which mostly concern his thoughts on the world of showbiz – are shamelessly un-PC, but always tongue-in-cheek (like much modern British humour).
Below, we've printed just a tiny sample of their spanking brilliance. Be warned: some of the jokes aren't very family-friendly.
In the words of Gervais' character Ray Stokes in Extras: "Are you havin' a laff?"
You certainly will be when you read these crackers.
Toilet seats
What sort of person nicks [[steals]] the toilet seats from public loos? Wouldn't you expect the barman to say, "Excuse me mate, did you come in with that toilet seat?"
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Rude graffiti
I was in a public toilet and I saw a piece of graffiti that said, "I f*** UR wife while U watch. Interested? Call this number…"
Didn't give any prices, though. Not sure if that's quite going to work as a business plan.
But I'd like to see them pitch it on Dragons' Den.
-------------------
Belly laughs ... comedienne Dawn French
Dawn French
Dawn French and I are both fat, but we're not in the same category. There are many other things in between.
Some of them have had to go back into the sea. Some of them have to be shot from helicopters with tranquilliser darts.
----------------------------
Tubby funster
I didn't think I was fat until I got famous. It's because papers need an adjective. I've been called "chubby comedian".
"Rotund funnyman", that's another. "Tubby funster."
One day I was out jogging, listening to my iPod.
Photo of me in The Sun the next day.
Headline: "iPodge".
---------------------------
Comic Relief
Richard Curtis calls me about Comic Relief every year, without fail, and says, "Want to go to Africa? It's riddled with AIDS, poverty, war…"
I say, "No, it sounds f***ing awful."
He also asked me to be in Love Actually. I said, "So, tell me about that Africa trip again…"
------------------------------
Proposing to murderers
People are so obsessed with fame now. Murderers in prison get marriage proposals. People go, "Ooh, he's famous."
Yes, but he'll wear your bowel…
------------------------------
Urban myths
There are so many ridiculous stories people believe about celebrities.
Like that one about Marc Almond, the singer in Soft Cell, going into hospital, and doctors finding he had 10 different types of sperm in his stomach.
What sort of doctor would do that operation?
"Hmm, there's a lot of sperm in here… Right, that's one type… Yes, that's two – definitely a different type of sperm…"
thesun.co.uk
Office joker ... British comedian Ricky Gervais, star of hit BBC comedy The Office, is hilarious
November 29, 2006
RICKY Gervais has performed for the first time the new jokes he'll be telling on his 2007 stand-up tour – and The Sun can give you a sneak preview.
The "chubby comedian" (or "rotund funnyman", or "tubby funster" – see below) played a tiny warm-up show in London on Sunday night.
The new tour will be entitled Fame. Like those on his previous tours Politics and Animals (in which he ended up writing a book in which he "invented" new types of funny animals), Gervais' latest gags – which mostly concern his thoughts on the world of showbiz – are shamelessly un-PC, but always tongue-in-cheek (like much modern British humour).
Below, we've printed just a tiny sample of their spanking brilliance. Be warned: some of the jokes aren't very family-friendly.
In the words of Gervais' character Ray Stokes in Extras: "Are you havin' a laff?"
You certainly will be when you read these crackers.
Toilet seats
What sort of person nicks [[steals]] the toilet seats from public loos? Wouldn't you expect the barman to say, "Excuse me mate, did you come in with that toilet seat?"
-------------------
Rude graffiti
I was in a public toilet and I saw a piece of graffiti that said, "I f*** UR wife while U watch. Interested? Call this number…"
Didn't give any prices, though. Not sure if that's quite going to work as a business plan.
But I'd like to see them pitch it on Dragons' Den.
-------------------
Belly laughs ... comedienne Dawn French
Dawn French
Dawn French and I are both fat, but we're not in the same category. There are many other things in between.
Some of them have had to go back into the sea. Some of them have to be shot from helicopters with tranquilliser darts.
----------------------------
Tubby funster
I didn't think I was fat until I got famous. It's because papers need an adjective. I've been called "chubby comedian".
"Rotund funnyman", that's another. "Tubby funster."
One day I was out jogging, listening to my iPod.
Photo of me in The Sun the next day.
Headline: "iPodge".
---------------------------
Comic Relief
Richard Curtis calls me about Comic Relief every year, without fail, and says, "Want to go to Africa? It's riddled with AIDS, poverty, war…"
I say, "No, it sounds f***ing awful."
He also asked me to be in Love Actually. I said, "So, tell me about that Africa trip again…"
------------------------------
Proposing to murderers
People are so obsessed with fame now. Murderers in prison get marriage proposals. People go, "Ooh, he's famous."
Yes, but he'll wear your bowel…
------------------------------
Urban myths
There are so many ridiculous stories people believe about celebrities.
Like that one about Marc Almond, the singer in Soft Cell, going into hospital, and doctors finding he had 10 different types of sperm in his stomach.
What sort of doctor would do that operation?
"Hmm, there's a lot of sperm in here… Right, that's one type… Yes, that's two – definitely a different type of sperm…"
thesun.co.uk