Top Gear's politically incorrect Jeremy Clarkson moans that unlike the olden days, many of today's Cabinet members of the Government are virtual unknowns, unlike the household names of Thatcher's Cabinet, for example.
Jeremy helps the impressionist and comedian Rory Bremner to get to know the Prime Minister's current Cabinet members - and it's hilarious...
Rory-friendly guide to invisible Cabinet
Cabinet? What Cabinet ... can you identify them all?
Published: 26 Apr 2008
The Sun
IN the olden days, when Margaret Thatcher was Prime Minister, Parliament was full of household names – Keith Joseph, Michael Heseltine, Lord Carrington, Geoffrey Howe and so on.
Then along came Tony Blair, who made decisions with a bunch of back-room boys we never met, filled his Cabinet with nodding donkeys and made damned sure government had only one face: His.
And today, under Gordon Brown, little has changed.
This is a serious problem for impressionist Rory Bremner, because what’s the point of trying to impersonate someone when no one knows what he sounds like for real?
He may be brilliant at doing Health Secretary Alan Johnson but how would we be able to judge? The man’s as invisible as a solar wind.
So I thought it would be a good idea this morning to help my old pal Rory by explaining who is who in the Cabinet — and what they do.
ALISTAIR DARLING: Described as the Chancellor of the Exchequer, he looks like a badger and is jolly easy to impersonate because he sounds like the hum of distant traffic. In many ways he’s like John Major, only without quite as much sartorial elegance and panache.
He was born in London but, having realised this would be a major obstacle should he wish to achieve high office, he moved north of the border and became Scotch.
Plastic
Darling has got it into his head that if you give him a thousand pounds, the world will be saved from an environmental catastrophe.
JAMES PURNELL: Pensions Secretary. Much less orange than his predecessor, Peter Hain, James is eight years old and very interested in plastic bags.
He has a constituency home in a place called Broadbottom. But instead of wearing a flat hat, keeping whippets and supporting Manchester City, he lives mostly in London, is almost certainly aware of guacamole, and supports Arsenal.
TESSA JOWELL: Minister For The Olympics. When she was Secretary for Culture, Media And Sport, she went to the Led Zeppelin concert and fell asleep.
She likes foxes, homosexuals, non-smokers and her husband. Although, sadly, she had to leave him because he was being investigated over fraud allegations in Italy.
That made her look bad.
HAZEL BLEARS: Communities And Local Government Secretary. No one knows exactly what Hazel looks like because she is so small she’s not visible to the naked eye.
We do know, however, that she is a motorcyclist and, amazingly, she once managed to lose an election to Neil Hamilton.
Even more weirdly, she serves in a Government that wants to close local hospitals but at weekends takes to the streets to protest about, er, local hospital closures.
Famously, she once said that British immigrants should be rebranded along American lines — Afro-Caribbean-British, for example.
Had this system been adopted, she would have become known as a Short-Arse-Biker-Hypocrite British.
HILARY BENN: Minister For Polar Bears. Confusingly, Hilary isn’t a woman.
He is, in fact, the son of Tony Benn, a charming and charismatic soul whose previous achievements include both Concorde and the Post Office Tower.
By contrast, the boy Hilary’s only significant achievement thus far is the fact he grew to be 725ft tall.
This makes him even taller than his dad’s communications phallus off London’s Tottenham Court Road.
ED BALLS: Children, Schools And Families Secretary is tipped for the top job — but sadly, like so many of these people, he’s just a pixel, a faceless cog never allowed in front of the public in case he says the wrong thing or wears the wrong tie.
I can reveal, however, that he is a published author. He has written Towards A New Regional Policy, Reforming Britain’s Economic And Financial Policy and Microeconomic Reform In Britain: Delivering Opportunities For All.
They’re like the Harry Potter books, only without any magic, wizards or much in the way of plots.
Solicitor
Defence Secretary ... Des Browne
DES BROWNE: Defence Secretary. Scottish, of course, Des looks like a geography teacher but was a solicitor specialising in child and family law.
Just the qualification you need to be in charge of our Armed Forces as they fight wars on two fronts.
He does, however, have an ability to speak in public like Winston Churchill. Sort of.
Only recently, on the BBC’s Today programme, he was asked about frontline troops dying because of inadequate equipment and he replied: “Well, all of those cases have been examined and in each case which has been examined where the lessons have been learned we have learned those lessons.”
RUTH KELLY: Transport Secretary. Born in Northern Ireland, her grandfather was a quartermaster in the IRA and she is in Opus Dei, the small ultra-Catholic group made famous by the Da Vinci Code.
Mind you, keeping secret the fact that Jesus has a direct descendant on Earth today is nothing compared to the problems of sorting out a transport system left in place by Two Gags.
Still, at least Ruth can claim Terminal 5 was all her own work.
DOUGLAS ALEXANDER: International Development Secretary. Scottish, naturally, and four years old. It’s his job to ensure the developing world continues to develop.
And he’ll get round to that just as soon as he’s tidied his room and helped his mum with the washing-up.
ALAN JOHNSON: Health Secretary. Alan is a postman.
JACQUI SMITH: She is the first female Home Secretary and also the first to be almost completely invisible. But we do know that she no longer smokes cannabis, presumably because it’s hard to be in charge of crime, counter-terrorism and immigration when you are also having to deal with the Cylons from the Battlestar Galactica.
Jacqui, a keen feminist who is interested in the history of lesbianism, cried like a girl when Blair appeared in the Commons for the last time. Though maybe they were tears of joy. Or perhaps she was upset because she knew what was coming next.
Unlike many Aston Villa fans, she has never been run over after a match.
When we learn a little about the people who Gordon Brown tries to keep hidden, it’s easy to understand why the country’s in such a mess and why so many people have decided to vote Conservative next time round.
Because, of course, the Shadow Cabinet is full of so many well-known names and faces such as Peter Ainsworth, Philip Hammond, Nick Herbert and the glorious Eric Pickles.
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