As the BBC is accused of dumbing down by unveiling a new one minute long news show to be broadcast every night at 8pm.....
How would Natasha Kaplinsky have handled history's biggest stories?
by DAVID THOMAS
13th July 2007
Daily Mail
Has she got news for you: The BBC's Natasha Kaplinsky may present a new bulletin
The BBC confirmed this week that it is to broadcast a news bulletin on its main channel that will last just one minute, and which is likely to be presented by Natasha Kaplinsky.
Critics have accused the Corporation of dumbing down - but how can they suggest such a thing if an intellectual heavyweight like Miss Kaplinsky - famous for her twirls in Strictly Come Dancing - is involved.
Here, DAVID THOMAS imagines a number of trial one-minute bulletins in which Miss Kaplinsky records some of the most famous news events in history.
AUGUST 9, 1588
Queen Elizabeth visited the fleet at Tilbury today and made a speech in which she told watching sailors, preparing to fight the Spanish Armada, that she might be a weak and feeble woman; but she had the heart and stomach of a king.
But the sailors just wanted to know one thing, was it true that the stunning, red-headed monarch had a crush on the Earl of Leicester, celebrity peer Robert Dudley, or was she more interested in naughty navigator Sir Walter Raleigh?
Meanwhile, some 130 Spanish ships continued to sail towards England, threatening the survival of our Protestant monarchy, blahblahblah - more boring stuff only old people care about!
SEPTEMBER 3, 1666
Royal spin-courtiers are refusing to comment after the publication of daring etchings which appear to show King Charles II frolicking with Covent Garden brothelkeeper's daughter and former orange-seller Nell Gwynn.
Miss Gwynn has been, er - performing - Oops! Sorry! I always giggle when I say that! - in Oxford with the King's Players and is being followed everywhere by a scrum of artists and engravers, waiting to capture everything she does.
Her acting partner Charles Hart has called upon His Majesty to provide her with some media protection. In other news, London has been burned to the ground in a Great Fire. No celebrities were hurt.
APRIL 5, 1912
There's bad news for lovers of ballroom dancing - like me! - today with the news that all eight members of the much-loved Titanic dance-band, led by Wallace Hartley, have been drowned in the North Atlantic.
Oh, and another 1,509 passengers perished when the Titanic hit a big frosty iceberg.
JULY 1, 1916
Charlie Chaplin, the world's most popular comedian, is back in the news again as Hollywood buzzes with rumours about his relationship with lovely Edna Purviance, his co-star in many of his films.
The couple met in a San Francisco cafe and now gossips say they're making comedies all day - and romance all night!
Meanwhile, this awful weather we're having has really messed up the Army's attempts to keep the uniforms of men involved in the Somme offensive nice and clean.
The attack was launched yesterday and the British suffered 57,470 casualties, including 19,240 dead.
Isn't that awful? I mean, ugh, I really hate getting mud on my pretty frocks!
OCTOBER 24, 1929
Shares on the New York Stock Exchange hit new lows today as the Wall Street Crash reached crisis point.
As 13 million shares changed hands and 11 traders committed suicide, overwhelmed by their losses, we sent out reporters out to discover what the Crash means for us all.
Their answer: hemlines are bound to fall, since they traditionally follow the stock market up or down.
So it's goodbye to adorable little flapper dresses and hello floor-length frocks, which don't work nearly so well if you want to attract the chaps - and I always do!
Also, the Crash may cause worldwide recession, the rise of fascism and a second World War. But let's not worry about that!
FEBRUARY 28, 1933
In the wake of last night's fire at the Reichstag in Berlin, where the German parliament meets, the new Chancellor Adolf Hitler has announced sweeping measures designed to give him total power over the German people, with a view to eventual world domination.
But, oh my god, all that politics is just so-o-o boring.
All we want to know is, what do you think of Adolf's moustache. Call in to let us know whether you think it's (a) dead dishy, or (b) totally last year.
Coming up next: King Kong. How the whole world's running scared from a monkey-model that's just 18 inches high. And, is Faye Wray the luckiest girl in the world?
AUGUST 6, 1945
The world's first atomic bomb attack took place when a U.S. Air Force B-29 Superfortress, piloted Colonel Paul Tibbets, dropped a bomb - nicknamed "Little Boy" - on the Japanese city of Hiroshima.
And now the whole world is asking itself, what does this cataclysmic event mean?
Should we all be rushing out to buy top-quality designer sunglasses to protect ourselves from the glare if another A-bomb goes off?
Does Factor 50 suncream protect against radiation? And what furniture are top celebrities buying for their bomb-shelters?
NOVEMBER 22, 1963
America's First Lady, Jackie Kennedy, was pretty in pink today when she accompanied her husband John on a presidential visit to Dallas, Texas.
Wearing a stunning pink suit, with a matching pink pillbox hat and shoes; a navy blue blouse and handbag; and white gloves, Jackie showed why she has become a style icon.
Celebrity-watchers agree that JFK and Jackie are the most glamorous presidential couple in history. So it's really upsetting that JFK was actually shot dead in Dallas, during his visit, particularly since his blood mucked up Jackie's lovely outfit.
SEPTEMBER 11, 2001
As England prepare to face Germany in a vital World Cup qualifier, controversy continues to rage over the issue that's got the whole world talking: what's the best hairstyle for Becks?
In May, Brian Clough - (who?) - well, some old man, said he'd send Becks to his Army barber for a haircut, after seeing Becks' Mohawk look.
Now he's gone for a skinhead shave. Experts are divided about which do is dishier. But we have reporters, outside Beckingham Palace, awaiting a statement about Posh's preference.
Now, one brief piece of foreign news. Two planes have crashed into some really, really tall buildings in New York. The buildings fell down. But Becks was thousands of miles away and his hair was undisturbed. So, don't worry!
dailymail.co.uk
How would Natasha Kaplinsky have handled history's biggest stories?
by DAVID THOMAS
13th July 2007
Daily Mail
Has she got news for you: The BBC's Natasha Kaplinsky may present a new bulletin
The BBC confirmed this week that it is to broadcast a news bulletin on its main channel that will last just one minute, and which is likely to be presented by Natasha Kaplinsky.
Critics have accused the Corporation of dumbing down - but how can they suggest such a thing if an intellectual heavyweight like Miss Kaplinsky - famous for her twirls in Strictly Come Dancing - is involved.
Here, DAVID THOMAS imagines a number of trial one-minute bulletins in which Miss Kaplinsky records some of the most famous news events in history.
AUGUST 9, 1588
Queen Elizabeth visited the fleet at Tilbury today and made a speech in which she told watching sailors, preparing to fight the Spanish Armada, that she might be a weak and feeble woman; but she had the heart and stomach of a king.
But the sailors just wanted to know one thing, was it true that the stunning, red-headed monarch had a crush on the Earl of Leicester, celebrity peer Robert Dudley, or was she more interested in naughty navigator Sir Walter Raleigh?
Meanwhile, some 130 Spanish ships continued to sail towards England, threatening the survival of our Protestant monarchy, blahblahblah - more boring stuff only old people care about!
SEPTEMBER 3, 1666
Royal spin-courtiers are refusing to comment after the publication of daring etchings which appear to show King Charles II frolicking with Covent Garden brothelkeeper's daughter and former orange-seller Nell Gwynn.
Miss Gwynn has been, er - performing - Oops! Sorry! I always giggle when I say that! - in Oxford with the King's Players and is being followed everywhere by a scrum of artists and engravers, waiting to capture everything she does.
Her acting partner Charles Hart has called upon His Majesty to provide her with some media protection. In other news, London has been burned to the ground in a Great Fire. No celebrities were hurt.
APRIL 5, 1912
There's bad news for lovers of ballroom dancing - like me! - today with the news that all eight members of the much-loved Titanic dance-band, led by Wallace Hartley, have been drowned in the North Atlantic.
Oh, and another 1,509 passengers perished when the Titanic hit a big frosty iceberg.
JULY 1, 1916
Charlie Chaplin, the world's most popular comedian, is back in the news again as Hollywood buzzes with rumours about his relationship with lovely Edna Purviance, his co-star in many of his films.
The couple met in a San Francisco cafe and now gossips say they're making comedies all day - and romance all night!
Meanwhile, this awful weather we're having has really messed up the Army's attempts to keep the uniforms of men involved in the Somme offensive nice and clean.
The attack was launched yesterday and the British suffered 57,470 casualties, including 19,240 dead.
Isn't that awful? I mean, ugh, I really hate getting mud on my pretty frocks!
OCTOBER 24, 1929
Shares on the New York Stock Exchange hit new lows today as the Wall Street Crash reached crisis point.
As 13 million shares changed hands and 11 traders committed suicide, overwhelmed by their losses, we sent out reporters out to discover what the Crash means for us all.
Their answer: hemlines are bound to fall, since they traditionally follow the stock market up or down.
So it's goodbye to adorable little flapper dresses and hello floor-length frocks, which don't work nearly so well if you want to attract the chaps - and I always do!
Also, the Crash may cause worldwide recession, the rise of fascism and a second World War. But let's not worry about that!
FEBRUARY 28, 1933
In the wake of last night's fire at the Reichstag in Berlin, where the German parliament meets, the new Chancellor Adolf Hitler has announced sweeping measures designed to give him total power over the German people, with a view to eventual world domination.
But, oh my god, all that politics is just so-o-o boring.
All we want to know is, what do you think of Adolf's moustache. Call in to let us know whether you think it's (a) dead dishy, or (b) totally last year.
Coming up next: King Kong. How the whole world's running scared from a monkey-model that's just 18 inches high. And, is Faye Wray the luckiest girl in the world?
AUGUST 6, 1945
The world's first atomic bomb attack took place when a U.S. Air Force B-29 Superfortress, piloted Colonel Paul Tibbets, dropped a bomb - nicknamed "Little Boy" - on the Japanese city of Hiroshima.
And now the whole world is asking itself, what does this cataclysmic event mean?
Should we all be rushing out to buy top-quality designer sunglasses to protect ourselves from the glare if another A-bomb goes off?
Does Factor 50 suncream protect against radiation? And what furniture are top celebrities buying for their bomb-shelters?
NOVEMBER 22, 1963
America's First Lady, Jackie Kennedy, was pretty in pink today when she accompanied her husband John on a presidential visit to Dallas, Texas.
Wearing a stunning pink suit, with a matching pink pillbox hat and shoes; a navy blue blouse and handbag; and white gloves, Jackie showed why she has become a style icon.
Celebrity-watchers agree that JFK and Jackie are the most glamorous presidential couple in history. So it's really upsetting that JFK was actually shot dead in Dallas, during his visit, particularly since his blood mucked up Jackie's lovely outfit.
SEPTEMBER 11, 2001
As England prepare to face Germany in a vital World Cup qualifier, controversy continues to rage over the issue that's got the whole world talking: what's the best hairstyle for Becks?
In May, Brian Clough - (who?) - well, some old man, said he'd send Becks to his Army barber for a haircut, after seeing Becks' Mohawk look.
Now he's gone for a skinhead shave. Experts are divided about which do is dishier. But we have reporters, outside Beckingham Palace, awaiting a statement about Posh's preference.
Now, one brief piece of foreign news. Two planes have crashed into some really, really tall buildings in New York. The buildings fell down. But Becks was thousands of miles away and his hair was undisturbed. So, don't worry!
dailymail.co.uk