#1
No-nonsense Richard Littlejohn, who's renowned for hating Left-wingers and political correctness, describes to us the current British political scene in his usual hilarious way, this time with the help of Gilbert and Sullivan....


RICHARD LITTLEJOHN takes inspiration from Gilbert and Sullivan to make and song and dance of the political scene

28th June 2007
Daily Mail



RICHARD LITTLEJOHN (he tells it like it is)

A number of commentators have remarked that the EU's new 'High Representative' sounds like something out of a Gilbert and Sullivan opera. This got me wondering what the great composers would have made of the political scene had they been around today. As always, it helps if you sing along...


CAST

RULER OF THE QUEEN'S NAV-EE (RTD): Tony Blair (Former Prime Minister)
MAJOR-GENERAL: Gordon Brown (Prime Minister)
POSH SPICE: Harriet Harman (Deputy leader of the New Labour party)
GINGER SPICE: Hazel Blears (Communities Secretary)
BABY SPICE : Yvette Cooper (Housing minister)
SCARY SPICE: Ruth Kelly (Transport Secretary)
OLD SPICE: Tessa Jowell (London 2012 Olympics minister)
POLICEMAN: Sir Ian Blair (Commissioner of the Metropolitan Police)
YUM-YUM: Peter Mandelson (the EU Trade Commissioner)
THE MIKADO: Two Jags (aka John Prescott, former Deputy Prime Minister under Blair)


ACT ONE

(Blair prepares to leave Downing Street for the last time)

When I was a lad I served a term,

As an office boy in Derry Irvine's firm.

I peeled his bananas and fetched his booze

And I carried his briefs and polished his shoes.

(Chorus) He carried his briefs and polished his shoes.

I polished up his shoes so carefully

That I became the Ruler of the Queen's Nav-ee.

He polished up his shoes so carefully

That he became the Ruler of the Queen's Nav-ee.

For polishing shoes I became well known

And soon I had an office of my very own.

'Twas there I met my dear Cher-ee

But I never got to practise down the Old Bailey.

No, he never got to practise down the Old Bailey.

Forget the Bailey, said Cher-ee

For you can be the Ruler of the Queen's Nav-ee.

Forget the Bailey, said Cherie

For he could be the Ruler of the Queen's Nav-ee.

As a barrister I couldn't make my mark

So I thought I'd have a go at this politics lark,

And though my dad was an old Tor-ee

Cherie told me Labour was the one for me.

He joined the Labour Party just to please Cher-ee.

I even joined the CND

But I still became the Ruler of the Queen's Nav-ee.

He even joined the CND

But still became the Ruler of the Queen's Nav-ee.

Before too long I'd got my feet

Under the Cabinet table in 10 Downing Street.

And while I told the occasional lie

People thought I was a straight kinda guy,

People thought he was a straight kinda guy.

Although I'd never been to sea Now I was the Ruler of the Queen's Nav-ee.

Although he'd never been to sea

Now he was the Ruler of the Queen's Nav-ee.

I bombed Iraq and Afghanistan

Though Osama was hiding out in Pakistan.

Stood shoulder to shoulder with the U.S.A

On the strength of Ally Campbell's dodgy doss-ier.

On the strength of Ally Campbell's dodgy doss-ier.

We didn't find any WMD

But I remained the Ruler of the Queen's Nav-ee.

They didn't find any WMD But he remained the Ruler of the Queen's Nav-ee.

For the past ten years I've had some fun

From cash-for-questions to Formula One.

But they still can't lay a glove on me

When it came to selling honours, I blamed Lord Lev-ee.

When it came to selling honours, he blamed Lord Lev-ee.

If you think you're glad to see the back of me,

Wait till Gordon is the Ruler of the Queen's Nav-ee.

So Tony Blair's getting out of town

We're lumbered with that miserable Gordon Brown.


ACT TWO

(Enter the Spice Girls)

Five little babes with big ambitions

Pert and jostling for positions,

Filled to the brim with righteous zeal

Five little BABES, ARE WE !

(Audience) Get off!


ACT THREE

(A Policeman's Lot, New Scotland Yard)

When a Brazilian's not engaged in his employment,

He's well advised not to wander on the plot.

On the plot.

And he'd better stay away from Stockwell station

Or he's more than likely to get himself shot.

Himself shot.

Our policies are tolerant and di-verse

But when constabulary duty's to be done

To be done

Although this might sound petulant and per-verse

We do our talking from the barrel of a gun.

Mind how you go.


ACT FOUR

(The coming of Gordon Brown)

(Enter Spice Girls again)

We'll tell you who we want.

Who we really, really want,

(Audience) Get on with it!

We'll tell you who we want.

Who we really, really want,

GORDON!!

(Audience) Get off!


(Enter Gordon Brown, with stealth-like tread)

I am the very model of a New Labour Prime Minister,

Though some might say the way I got the job was rather sinister

Because I stole your pensions, you might think me hypocritical

But I know the figures back to front, both fiscal and political.

I'm very well acquainted, too, with matters international

Sometimes under Tony Blair we haven't been that rational

Frankly, on occasions our decisions have been risible

But when the blame's been handed out, I've made myself invisible.

When the blame's been handed out, he's made himself invisible

When the blame's been handed out, he's made himself invisible

When the blame's been handed out, he's made himself invisible

Oh, I've been waiting 13 years, since the deal made in Granita

And now I'm here in Number 10 the feeling's so much sweeter.

It's such a thrill to be PM it warms my zones erogenous

The growth that I'm experiencing, neo-classical endogenous.

It's such a thrill to be PM it warms his zones erogenous

The growth that he's experiencing, neo-classical endogenous.

I know I've been around for years, I should have been in Life on Mars,

But if I hadn't entered politics, I could have been a movie star.

I'm sexy and I'm masculine, like the actor Philip Glenister.

I am the very model of a New Labour Prime Minister.

He's sexy and he's masculine, like the actor Philip Glenister. He is the very model of a New Labour Prime Minister!

(Audience) Bring back Tony Blair!

CURTAIN - MAY 2009

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