Welcome to Blair World - it's all gone Mickey Mouse
31st May 2007
Daily Mail
Richard Littlejohn always tells it as it is
Following the opening of Dickens World, in Chatham, Kent, and the unveiling of a Harry Potter theme park, at Universal Studios in Orlando, Florida, this column can today reveal that the Prime Minister is in advanced talks with the Walt Disney organisation for a tourist attraction based on his own life and times. If negotiations are successful, the new multi-million-dollar Blair World could open on the outskirts of Basra within two years, as part of the economic regeneration of Iraq. Join me now on a virtual tour . . . . . . . . . .
Trippers will arrive at the park on a replacement bus service, the dedicated "world-class" rail link having been cancelled due to the renationalisation of Network Rail, and leaves on the line outside Tikrit.
Customers who choose to travel in their own cars will spend an hour at traffic lights before being allowed into the Congestion Charging Zone, where they will pay £8 each for the privilege of queueing to get through the main gate. Motorists are further advised that parking costs £10 for 20 minutes, after which they will be clamped and towed away by our untrained team of cowboys.
Theme park: Blair's Britain
Windscreen washing by a handpicked team of Romanian gipsies will be available for a £1 supplement.
While waiting in line, guests will be entertained by a troupe of aggressive beggars with a dog on a piece of string and a selection of colourful characters selling the Big Issue.
At the turnstile, priority will be given to asylum seekers, illegal immigrants and terror suspects, all of whom will be admitted free of charge and given unlimited spending money out of petty cash.
Management regrets it is unable to extend concessions to British citizens.
Customers are advised that Blair World is a strictly smoke-free environment, except for the Lambeth Walk section, where smoking of cannabis is encouraged.
Spliffs are available from our unlicensed street corner vendors, along with an extensive range of other recreational drugs and superstrength lagers.
If you have trouble finding your narcotic of choice, please contact our supervisor, Mr Paddick, who until recently ran a similar project on behalf of the Metropolitan Police.
Smoking is also permitted in the Formula 1 arena, for an additional charge of £1 million. Motor-racing enthusiasts will particularly enjoy our simulated Traffic Taliban ride, where they can experience the thrill of driving at 29mph through the north Wales countryside, dodging the evil Mad Mullah and his dreaded Gatso.
From there it's on to the dodgems, an exhilarating, seat-of-the-pants adventure, negotiating traffic humps, one-way systems, abandoned roadworks and potholes, all the time trying not to collide with bendy buses and psychotic cyclists.
For your safety and convenience, we have installed 6,000 speed cameras and four million CCTV cameras in Blair World. This has allowed us to dispense with our planned Dixon Of Dock Green attraction. We apologise for any inconvenience caused.
Rest rooms, or the Cottaging Zone as we prefer to call them, are located behind the giant wind farm, next to the illegal travellers' camp. Free condoms and lubricants are available on request.
Take your life in your hands in the NHS Zone. Miss Hewitt will be distributing surgical masks to anyone worried about contracting MRSA while visiting this attraction.
Guests are advised that at peak times there is a minimum wait of up to 18 months for our popular hip replacement experience.
Blair World prides itself on the wide range of attractions we offer for younger visitors, although we regret that the bouncy castle, boating lake and children's playground have been closed on the advice of our Elves'n'Safety team.
The nightly fireworks spectacular has also been cancelled until further notice.
However, while parents relax in one of the 250,000 Starbucks on site, children can be entertained in our sandpit, where every 45 minutes, Mr Campbell will be leading a treasure hunt for weapons of mass destruction.
You may also enjoy a visit to the world-famous Wicked Witch's Haunted House on Connaught Square, although this is not suitable for those of a nervous disposition.
Ride the range in a true Wild West adventure, as Mr Prescott greets you at our very own Colorado ranch and casino, sponsored by the Anschutz Corporation.
Older children may prefer the Asbo Zone, where they can practise burglary, graffiti, car-jacking and stabbing.
Always popular with the kiddies, too, is Captain Hook, who can be found preaching outside the mosque in the Finsbury Park Zone every Friday, complete with genuine police escort. Our top attraction is our War Zone, an authentic simulation of the battlefields in Iraq and Afghanistan, featuring car bombings, kidnappings, beheadings and a real-life civil war, starring volunteers from the Sunni and Shia communities.
Visitors with a taste for excitement and danger may buy a oneday Oyster Card for our London Transport Zone, where they can experience the thrill of being blown to smithereens by a suicide bomber.
Don't miss our Retail Zone, which three times a day features a lifelike re-enactment of the Great Ikea Riot and the Primark Stampede of 2007.
At 6pm every evening, our founder will deliver a keynote lecture in the George W. Bush arena, admission $15,000 a plate, plus VAT, which includes a signed replica copy of his celebrated Dodgy Dossier.
Visitors are requested to take all their rubbish home with them as our bins are emptied only once a fortnight.
Mr Brown will be on duty at the main exit to collect your departure tax. All major credit cards accepted.
Thank you for visiting Blair World. And don't forget: it's all Mickey Mouse.
dailymail.co.uk
31st May 2007
Daily Mail
Richard Littlejohn always tells it as it is
Following the opening of Dickens World, in Chatham, Kent, and the unveiling of a Harry Potter theme park, at Universal Studios in Orlando, Florida, this column can today reveal that the Prime Minister is in advanced talks with the Walt Disney organisation for a tourist attraction based on his own life and times. If negotiations are successful, the new multi-million-dollar Blair World could open on the outskirts of Basra within two years, as part of the economic regeneration of Iraq. Join me now on a virtual tour . . . . . . . . . .
Trippers will arrive at the park on a replacement bus service, the dedicated "world-class" rail link having been cancelled due to the renationalisation of Network Rail, and leaves on the line outside Tikrit.
Customers who choose to travel in their own cars will spend an hour at traffic lights before being allowed into the Congestion Charging Zone, where they will pay £8 each for the privilege of queueing to get through the main gate. Motorists are further advised that parking costs £10 for 20 minutes, after which they will be clamped and towed away by our untrained team of cowboys.
Theme park: Blair's Britain
Windscreen washing by a handpicked team of Romanian gipsies will be available for a £1 supplement.
While waiting in line, guests will be entertained by a troupe of aggressive beggars with a dog on a piece of string and a selection of colourful characters selling the Big Issue.
At the turnstile, priority will be given to asylum seekers, illegal immigrants and terror suspects, all of whom will be admitted free of charge and given unlimited spending money out of petty cash.
Management regrets it is unable to extend concessions to British citizens.
Customers are advised that Blair World is a strictly smoke-free environment, except for the Lambeth Walk section, where smoking of cannabis is encouraged.
Spliffs are available from our unlicensed street corner vendors, along with an extensive range of other recreational drugs and superstrength lagers.
If you have trouble finding your narcotic of choice, please contact our supervisor, Mr Paddick, who until recently ran a similar project on behalf of the Metropolitan Police.
Smoking is also permitted in the Formula 1 arena, for an additional charge of £1 million. Motor-racing enthusiasts will particularly enjoy our simulated Traffic Taliban ride, where they can experience the thrill of driving at 29mph through the north Wales countryside, dodging the evil Mad Mullah and his dreaded Gatso.
From there it's on to the dodgems, an exhilarating, seat-of-the-pants adventure, negotiating traffic humps, one-way systems, abandoned roadworks and potholes, all the time trying not to collide with bendy buses and psychotic cyclists.
For your safety and convenience, we have installed 6,000 speed cameras and four million CCTV cameras in Blair World. This has allowed us to dispense with our planned Dixon Of Dock Green attraction. We apologise for any inconvenience caused.
Rest rooms, or the Cottaging Zone as we prefer to call them, are located behind the giant wind farm, next to the illegal travellers' camp. Free condoms and lubricants are available on request.
Take your life in your hands in the NHS Zone. Miss Hewitt will be distributing surgical masks to anyone worried about contracting MRSA while visiting this attraction.
Guests are advised that at peak times there is a minimum wait of up to 18 months for our popular hip replacement experience.
Blair World prides itself on the wide range of attractions we offer for younger visitors, although we regret that the bouncy castle, boating lake and children's playground have been closed on the advice of our Elves'n'Safety team.
The nightly fireworks spectacular has also been cancelled until further notice.
However, while parents relax in one of the 250,000 Starbucks on site, children can be entertained in our sandpit, where every 45 minutes, Mr Campbell will be leading a treasure hunt for weapons of mass destruction.
You may also enjoy a visit to the world-famous Wicked Witch's Haunted House on Connaught Square, although this is not suitable for those of a nervous disposition.
Ride the range in a true Wild West adventure, as Mr Prescott greets you at our very own Colorado ranch and casino, sponsored by the Anschutz Corporation.
Older children may prefer the Asbo Zone, where they can practise burglary, graffiti, car-jacking and stabbing.
Always popular with the kiddies, too, is Captain Hook, who can be found preaching outside the mosque in the Finsbury Park Zone every Friday, complete with genuine police escort. Our top attraction is our War Zone, an authentic simulation of the battlefields in Iraq and Afghanistan, featuring car bombings, kidnappings, beheadings and a real-life civil war, starring volunteers from the Sunni and Shia communities.
Visitors with a taste for excitement and danger may buy a oneday Oyster Card for our London Transport Zone, where they can experience the thrill of being blown to smithereens by a suicide bomber.
Don't miss our Retail Zone, which three times a day features a lifelike re-enactment of the Great Ikea Riot and the Primark Stampede of 2007.
At 6pm every evening, our founder will deliver a keynote lecture in the George W. Bush arena, admission $15,000 a plate, plus VAT, which includes a signed replica copy of his celebrated Dodgy Dossier.
Visitors are requested to take all their rubbish home with them as our bins are emptied only once a fortnight.
Mr Brown will be on duty at the main exit to collect your departure tax. All major credit cards accepted.
Thank you for visiting Blair World. And don't forget: it's all Mickey Mouse.
dailymail.co.uk