Britain is older and, therefore, wiser than the United States. But the ungrateful Americans don't seem to value our "special relationship." Britain can't win. If we weren't America's "poodle" in Iraq we would have been a member of the "Axis of Weasels" alongside France and Germany instead. No matter what we would have done, the Americans would have insulted us.
So how about ending our marriage with the United States and becoming buddies with another country? Maybe Russia or Botswana or Canada.
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Opinion - Caitlin Moran
The Times
December
04, 2006
Britannia (GSOH, mature) seeks special relationship
I read with great interest that Britain’s “special relationship” with the US is now “disappearing before our very eyes”.
Apparently this relationship has been “totally one-sided” and there was “no payback, no sense of reciprocity” for all we have done alongside the US. Kendall Myers, a State Deparment analyst, concluded that “London’s bridge [across the Atlantic] is falling down”.
Yes, that’s right. Let’s not give it any fancy talk. We know what’s going on here. We are getting our ass dumped. America definitely wants to spend more time on its own. The fishing weekends are getting more frequent. The birthday present of a Yardley Lavender soap set — without even a special card — should have been a warning. And yet we have ignored it. It’s almost as if Belgium (France and Germany's boss) is going to have to corner us in a bar and say: “Face it, Britain — America’s just not that into you.”
Obviously our course of action over the coming weeks is fairly straightforward. We must drink a lot of frozen margaritas at the UN Christmas party and dance very expressively to I Will Survive. We must spend a weekend watching old news footage of US/UK summits, and cry every time it gets to the “handshakes bit” at the end. We must ostentatiously throw all those “state gifts” — Stetsons and bootlace ties — into a bin-bag, then a make a regrettable, drunken booty-call to Denmark at 4am. Maybe we will even spread a rumour that America is bad in bed. It is traditional, after all.
But, once the new year dawns, we will — older and wiser — surely start to consider dating other countries again. Every nation needs a “special relationship” in its life. No island is an, erm, island. We have to get out there and give some other nation all the love we have in our heart. Let’s look at the leading International Love Candidates!
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RUSSIA: If you’ve been going out with one Alpha Country, it would be hard to suddenly date someone Gamma, such as, say, Antigua or Barbuda. We’re used to rolling with the big boys (and Russia is THE biggest of all), all bling and wars and six-hour internal flights. Although we’d pretend it didn’t matter — and lie to Guam every time it asks — we would feel odd with someone who had less than 4,000 nuclear warheads. Plus, Russia would treat us like a real lady.
And if someone was going around bad-mouthing us, they’d probably be able to “sort it out” in no time, wink wink, know what I mean — or at least I hope you do, as it’s very hard to mime irradiated sushi.
International Love Rating: 7
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BOTSWANA: Africa’s economic powerhouse and cradle of the Limpopo River, Botswana has it all, and if we don’t snap it up, someone else will. Do you know what it’s like trying to find a decent, straight country with no baggage? We could die of exhaustion on the international dating scene. You don’t go turning down a nation with diamond mines and progressive social values lightly. International friends for years, we could easily turn what we have with Botswana into a comfortable, Alan Bennett-esque relationship that could putter along quite contentedly ad infinitum. But would we always be yearning for something a bit more dangerous and edgy? Bad-boy Cuba, say?
International Love Rating: 5
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IRAQ: It’s a soap-plot as old as the hills: country breaks up with other country and subsequently starts dating country’s greatest enemy. Lovers and friends are fundamentally the same, after all: they are united to us by a deep emotional bond. Alexis Colby told us that in Dynasty, in 1986. On the plus side, it would do more for the global peace effort than anything to date, up to and including a big speech by Bono. On the negative, Iraq’s in a pretty bad state at the moment and the first few years would probably consist of intense theological conversations, emergency surgery and crying. It’s probably not going to want to meet up with Germany, Burkina Faso and Laos in a bar for a few drinks and then go to see Borat. But the grudge-sex would be amazing.
International Love Rating: 8
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CLIPPERTON ISLAND: It isn’t really an independent state — but it is an uninhabited island shaped like a doughnut. Come on! Like dating Courtney Love, it is something fun that we should at least consider doing once in our lives.
International Love Rating: 4
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Canada: Let’s face it, we are completely emotionally devastated. It will take us years to get over America — if we ever do. So what could be easier and more psychologically disturbing than dating Canada? After all, close your eyes and it could be the States! Yes, we could spend years pretending that it’s all just like it used to be by dating “the guys upstairs”, calling them “Uncle Sam” as “a pet name” and pretending that Montreal is New York on a day when the locals have decided to speak French “for a laugh”.
International Love Rating: 9
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But then, maybe we need a love-break for a while. Perhaps we need to get our head together for a spell, kick back with some friends, half-heartedly get into Buddhism before getting a new haircut and losing half a stone. Maybe we should leave finding a new “special relationship” until . . . after Easter.
thetimesonline.co.uk
So how about ending our marriage with the United States and becoming buddies with another country? Maybe Russia or Botswana or Canada.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Opinion - Caitlin Moran
The Times
December
04, 2006
Britannia (GSOH, mature) seeks special relationship
Apparently this relationship has been “totally one-sided” and there was “no payback, no sense of reciprocity” for all we have done alongside the US. Kendall Myers, a State Deparment analyst, concluded that “London’s bridge [across the Atlantic] is falling down”.
Yes, that’s right. Let’s not give it any fancy talk. We know what’s going on here. We are getting our ass dumped. America definitely wants to spend more time on its own. The fishing weekends are getting more frequent. The birthday present of a Yardley Lavender soap set — without even a special card — should have been a warning. And yet we have ignored it. It’s almost as if Belgium (France and Germany's boss) is going to have to corner us in a bar and say: “Face it, Britain — America’s just not that into you.”
Obviously our course of action over the coming weeks is fairly straightforward. We must drink a lot of frozen margaritas at the UN Christmas party and dance very expressively to I Will Survive. We must spend a weekend watching old news footage of US/UK summits, and cry every time it gets to the “handshakes bit” at the end. We must ostentatiously throw all those “state gifts” — Stetsons and bootlace ties — into a bin-bag, then a make a regrettable, drunken booty-call to Denmark at 4am. Maybe we will even spread a rumour that America is bad in bed. It is traditional, after all.
But, once the new year dawns, we will — older and wiser — surely start to consider dating other countries again. Every nation needs a “special relationship” in its life. No island is an, erm, island. We have to get out there and give some other nation all the love we have in our heart. Let’s look at the leading International Love Candidates!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
RUSSIA: If you’ve been going out with one Alpha Country, it would be hard to suddenly date someone Gamma, such as, say, Antigua or Barbuda. We’re used to rolling with the big boys (and Russia is THE biggest of all), all bling and wars and six-hour internal flights. Although we’d pretend it didn’t matter — and lie to Guam every time it asks — we would feel odd with someone who had less than 4,000 nuclear warheads. Plus, Russia would treat us like a real lady.
And if someone was going around bad-mouthing us, they’d probably be able to “sort it out” in no time, wink wink, know what I mean — or at least I hope you do, as it’s very hard to mime irradiated sushi.
International Love Rating: 7
**************************************
BOTSWANA: Africa’s economic powerhouse and cradle of the Limpopo River, Botswana has it all, and if we don’t snap it up, someone else will. Do you know what it’s like trying to find a decent, straight country with no baggage? We could die of exhaustion on the international dating scene. You don’t go turning down a nation with diamond mines and progressive social values lightly. International friends for years, we could easily turn what we have with Botswana into a comfortable, Alan Bennett-esque relationship that could putter along quite contentedly ad infinitum. But would we always be yearning for something a bit more dangerous and edgy? Bad-boy Cuba, say?
International Love Rating: 5
***************************************
IRAQ: It’s a soap-plot as old as the hills: country breaks up with other country and subsequently starts dating country’s greatest enemy. Lovers and friends are fundamentally the same, after all: they are united to us by a deep emotional bond. Alexis Colby told us that in Dynasty, in 1986. On the plus side, it would do more for the global peace effort than anything to date, up to and including a big speech by Bono. On the negative, Iraq’s in a pretty bad state at the moment and the first few years would probably consist of intense theological conversations, emergency surgery and crying. It’s probably not going to want to meet up with Germany, Burkina Faso and Laos in a bar for a few drinks and then go to see Borat. But the grudge-sex would be amazing.
International Love Rating: 8
********************************************
CLIPPERTON ISLAND: It isn’t really an independent state — but it is an uninhabited island shaped like a doughnut. Come on! Like dating Courtney Love, it is something fun that we should at least consider doing once in our lives.
International Love Rating: 4
*********************************
Canada: Let’s face it, we are completely emotionally devastated. It will take us years to get over America — if we ever do. So what could be easier and more psychologically disturbing than dating Canada? After all, close your eyes and it could be the States! Yes, we could spend years pretending that it’s all just like it used to be by dating “the guys upstairs”, calling them “Uncle Sam” as “a pet name” and pretending that Montreal is New York on a day when the locals have decided to speak French “for a laugh”.
International Love Rating: 9
**************************************
But then, maybe we need a love-break for a while. Perhaps we need to get our head together for a spell, kick back with some friends, half-heartedly get into Buddhism before getting a new haircut and losing half a stone. Maybe we should leave finding a new “special relationship” until . . . after Easter.
thetimesonline.co.uk
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