Elder Abuse

[Diarygirl]

Thought I'd share a story and inquire how everyone feels about Elder Abuse.
I was in a restaurant a couple of days ago and was compelled to watch and listen to a conversation between two ladies. They were sitting at a table close to me and I overheard the conversation which got my attention. I'm not sure if they were Mother and Daughter, but one was much older than the other. It went like this: The younger lady said, "Do you have to shop for anything while we're out?" "No, I don't need anything."replied the elderly lady. Then within a couple of minutes, the younger lady said aggressively "Hurry up and finish your meal, we only have ten minutes!" "I have to be home by 5 p.m." The elderly lady rushed through her meal while the younger lady whisked off to the door. The elderly lady then went with the bill to the cashier and paid for their meals while the younger lady headed to the cashier and collected the change back and put it in her pocket.
The thing that upset me here was, why would the cashier give the person not paying the change?? It wasn't hers. I was compelled and had thoughts of asking the cashier why would she do that? No matter if the other person had her hand out to collect it. My heart crushed to see that type thing and thought of the elderly lady being taken for granted by the daughter/friend and the cashier as well.
I know there is so much that happens behind closed doors and this is trivial, but it did upset me to wonder what does the daughter/friend treat her like when they are alone? Is she taken for granted, abused verbally and perhaps physically? The elderly lady didn't say a word and just followed the younger lady out of the restaurant.
It was on my mind for quite awhile and I felt empathy for the elderly lady as I was touched by those thoughts.
What happened to patience and respect today??

 

[Nuggler]

Respect and patience seem to be in short supply in a lot of cases.

Course, the ol lady might be a real old battleaxe in private.

:lol:

 

[Cannuck]

Perhaps there relationship is not unlike many others in that there is a dominant and a submissive role. Age may have nothing to do with it.

 

[Francis2004]

Thought I'd share a story and inquire how everyone feels about Elder Abuse.
I was in a restaurant a couple of days ago and was compelled to watch and listen to a conversation between two ladies. They were sitting at a table close to me and I overheard the conversation which got my attention. I'm not sure if they were Mother and Daughter, but one was much older than the other. It went like this: The younger lady said, "Do you have to shop for anything while we're out?" "No, I don't need anything."replied the elderly lady. Then within a couple of minutes, the younger lady said aggressively "Hurry up and finish your meal, we only have ten minutes!" "I have to be home by 5 p.m." The elderly lady rushed through her meal while the younger lady whisked off to the door. The elderly lady then went with the bill to the cashier and paid for their meals while the younger lady headed to the cashier and collected the change back and put it in her pocket.
The thing that upset me here was, why would the cashier give the person not paying the change?? It wasn't hers. I was compelled and had thoughts of asking the cashier why would she do that? No matter if the other person had her hand out to collect it. My heart crushed to see that type thing and thought of the elderly lady being taken for granted by the daughter/friend and the cashier as well.
I know there is so much that happens behind closed doors and this is trivial, but it did upset me to wonder what does the daughter/friend treat her like when they are alone? Is she taken for granted, abused verbally and perhaps physically? The elderly lady didn't say a word and just followed the younger lady out of the restaurant.
It was on my mind for quite awhile and I felt empathy for the elderly lady as I was touched by those thoughts.
What happened to patience and respect today??

Diarygirl, this is a very bid problem is our society.. It is irrelevant if they were related, many senior feel intimidated by others who have control over their lives.

My father moved into an "Assisted Living" home back about 1 1/2 year ago.. We did a lot of enquiring before he chose the place his lives in and most were quite expensive. Most of them got reviews that would scare most people away about the staff being "rough" with the seniors and in the news it made headlines that some even stole money from them.

That said, I take a lot of my free time, to spend with my Dad and always check up on him. He says the staff is very good where he is but we had already known that. Things can change quick so I keep a close eye on him. He often says many of the older people in his building are terrified of the staff and would not dare say anything. He himself does not complain and I have to help him get basic things done.

As far as people living with families, senior often face kids in the same fashion the grew up. If the father was a bully and passed away the mother keeps being bullied by the kids.. Even if the bully turned old, he often becomes the victim of his own creations..

That is my opinion and what I have often observed. I am not a doctor by far but those are my life observations..

To me this is a serious problem..

 

[Diarygirl]

Respect and patience seem to be in short supply in a lot of cases.

Course, the ol lady might be a real old battleaxe in private.

:lol:

True Nuggler. I guess I'm getting old and scared how people have changed so much and wouldn't want to be in the same situation.

 

[Diarygirl]

Perhaps there relationship is not unlike many others in that there is a dominant and a submissive role. Age may have nothing to do with it.

Good point Cannuck. It doesn't matter about age really!

 

[Diarygirl]

SirFrancis, I agree with your opinion! It is a very serious problem and I would certainly keep watch on my parents if they were alive today.
Learned behaviour has a big role in the abuse like you said. A lot of times it's been passed down by the "bullies".

 

[shadowshiv]

Diarygirl, this is a very bid problem is our society.. It is irrelevant if they were related, many senior feel intimidated by others who have control over their lives.

My father moved into an "Assisted Living" home back about 1 1/2 year ago.. We did a lot of enquiring before he chose the place his lives in and most were quite expensive. Most of them got reviews that would scare most people away about the staff being "rough" with the seniors and in the news it made headlines that some even stole money from them.

That said, I take a lot of my free time, to spend with my Dad and always check up on him. He says the staff is very good where he is but we had already known that. Things can change quick so I keep a close eye on him. He often says many of the older people in his building are terrified of the staff and would not dare say anything. He himself does not complain and I have to help him get basic things done.

As far as people living with families, senior often face kids in the same fashion the grew up. If the father was a bully and passed away the mother keeps being bullied by the kids.. Even if the bully turned old, he often becomes the victim of his own creations..

That is my opinion and what I have often observed. I am not a doctor by far but those are my life observations..

To me this is a serious problem..

Another problem could be that the elderly person is alone, or has very few contacts with which to communicate with. Perhaps that person feels that they have to take the abuse or this person will stop visiting or talking to them. Isolation(or the fear of it) can be a reason why they put up with it.:-(

 

[Francis2004]

Another problem could be that the elderly person is alone, or has very few contacts with which to communicate with. Perhaps that person feels that they have to take the abuse or this person will stop visiting or talking to them. Isolation(or the fear of it) can be a reason why they put up with it.:-(

Oh many cases there are tons of reasons..

Family is not close or moved away and they are alone in the Retirement home.

As you mentioned Kids are ungrateful and do not visit..

They never had kids and are now partnerless and alone..

The list can go on and one..

In my case I had two siblings living within blocks of my father who never visited him. I was the sole keeper of my elderly father and am keeping a close eye on him. Add two kids and no wife to the equations and soon you have no personal life and no ME time..

It's a lot of work but I tell myself that someday it will come back to me.. I can only hope that is true..

 

[Diarygirl]

Oh many cases there are tons of reasons..

Family is not close or moved away and they are alone in the Retirement home.

As you mentioned Kids are ungrateful and do not visit..

They never had kids and are now partnerless and alone..

The list can go on and one..

In my case I had two siblings living within blocks of my father who never visited him. I was the sole keeper of my elderly father and am keeping a close eye on him. Add two kids and no wife to the equations and soon you have no personal life and no ME time..

It's a lot of work but I tell myself that someday it will come back to me.. I can only hope that is true..

Yes, I agree, sadly there can be many reasons why an elder allows abuse!
SirFrancis... It will come back to you ...tenfold!!! You're a very compassionate and devoted person to spend all your free time with your children and your father as well!!

 

[Francis2004]

Yes, I agree, sadly there can be many reasons why an elder allows abuse!
SirFrancis... It will come back to you ...tenfold!!! You're a very compassionate and devoted person to spend all your free time with your children and your father as well!!

Well if I can make it in one piece as keeping sane in this economy has been tough.. I wish my siblings would help but that possibility is as likely as winning 6/49 tonight..

 

[Diarygirl]

Why don't they help? Perhaps you should ask them to take turns, as you are spent.. mentally, physically and financially. I would expect women to have that extra sense of compassion and devotion to their father. Unless.. they can't deal with the "pain" of seeing him and are trying to avoid being faced with it? Sometimes people feel like "outta sight...outta mind"!

 

[bluedog]

The reality is (mine anyway) that no matter the good will and intent, when the submissive youngster grows to assert itself, it will often not be wise in nurturing the young OR elderly.
The animals grow from youth eventually to take advantage of the sick and elderly, leaving them scraps. Those elders rely on the scraps of the young.
The Lord has left us the beatitudes and taught the Sermon on the Mount to separate us from our carnal nature. We are to develop our nurturing spirit, especially during opportunities when we are packed together in a household because of hardship or economic difficulty. Women through their childbearing are taught earlier and more easily.

Nurture vs. Nature. The difference is our Lord reflected in our lives.:fish:

 

[Unforgiven]

Very good reason to make you own arrangements for the sort of care you want and see that the money is there to ensure you get it. If you want your kids to be nice to you in your old age, die wealthy and leave a will. You have all your life to prepare for your old age and death. Make the best of it.

 

[Trex]

If it were easy to get rich then everyone would be wealthy.
Unfortunately its not that simple.

i don't think anyone grows older and intentionally fails to provide adequate resources for looking after themselves.

Sweden and Denmark have excellent state provided and supervised home care and nursing homes.
I believe it is integrated into their national health care systems and I know they try to let seniors stay in their own homes as long as is possible.

Considering some of the horror stories that are heard about nursing homes perhaps Canada should take look around at some of the other models used by other countries.

Trex

 

[Cliffy]

Tax religion. Then we could afford to look after our elderly. They built this country so that we could sit around and bitch about being taxed to death.

 

[Unforgiven]

If it were easy to get rich then everyone would be wealthy.
Unfortunately its not that simple.

i don't think anyone grows older and intentionally fails to provide adequate resources for looking after themselves.

Sweden and Denmark have excellent state provided and supervised home care and nursing homes.
I believe it is integrated into their national health care systems and I know they try to let seniors stay in their own homes as long as is possible.

Considering some of the horror stories that are heard about nursing homes perhaps Canada should take look around at some of the other models used by other countries.

Trex

Getting rich isn't difficult. It just takes being ready for when the opportunity comes along. Few people put themselves into that position.

I have a few friends who work for the city in nursing homes. You only get the one side when you hear the horror stories. It's a tough environment to work in and no everyone can do that sort of work. More to the point, there are assholes in every line of work. Because we opt for the cheapest solution, gotta keep those taxes down, we end up with cracks. Some elderly fall through the cracks while some employees slip in through them.

Not to paint a bad picture of the people who actually care for the elderly in Canada's public nursing homes, but some of them are just doing a job and they, like many people don't much care for the work they do. It's the pay cheque they work for.

As well some of the residents of nursing homes suffer from various stages of dementia. Some of them are violent and only after they demonstrate that they are a danger to others or themselves, are they moved into more secure surroundings. Not where it's better for them, but where they can be sedated so they can't harm anyone.

Some staff have been hit numerous times, verbally abused and had feces and urine thrown at them. Rarely by the same person but it happens once or twice a month. How many times would that happen to you at work? Not because someone is just a nasty bugger, but because they have lost their mind and are seing and hearing things, think they are prisoners and all sorts of stuff.

Now put one sociopath on staff and you have the horror stories in the making.

Don't be misled. We have more than enough money in this country to make sure that everyone spends their elder years in dignity, cared for by trained and enthusiastic staff in well maintained facilities. We just choose not to do that.

Private care can be great but you need to have the money to pay for that. My folks bills were over 5k a month in their last couple of years.

One last thing, there is no shortage of buzzards the flock around the old and dying. Keeping a close eye on you parents "friends" is every bit as important as knowing who your kids are playing with.