The elf'n'safety Xmas

As Britain's New Labour Government, obsessed with Health and Safety and Political Correctness, releases a ludicrous guide to keeping safe during the Christmas period (which warns of the dangers of baubles falling on your head, dangerous shards of tinsel, wrapping paper which can cause serious paper cuts and Christmas presents lying on the floor which anybody could trip over), the Daily Mail presents its own humorous version of the Health and Safety guide for Christmas.......

As the Nanny State warns us of the dangers of baubles and tinsel, the Mail presents... The elf'n'safety Xmas

By David Thomas and Vincent Graff
22nd December 2008
Daily Mail

Yesterday, it was revealed that the Government has released its own Health and Safety guide for the festive season, warning of the dangers of tinsel, Christmas baubles and, of course, the very real danger of tipsy guests 'crashing to the floor when they miss their seat at the dinner table'.

Now, with two days to go until your Christmas meal, the Mail has stumbled across another memo by Children's Secretary Ed Balls - and even Santa should beware.

According to this new guide, his days of climbing down chimneys may just be numbered. DAVID THOMAS and VINCENT GRAFF report...

The Mail presents the elf'n'safety guide to Christmas... A full guide for Santa is below

Festive food

Edict No 3574DLE/238432

Before preparing food, cooks are advised to do the following:

1. Deep-clean the kitchen to operating theatre standards, installing double doors and, ideally, air-locks to prevent any possible contamination from external sources.

2. Sterilise all cookery implements, ovens, fridges, etc.

3. Ensure all children, relatives and Useless Bloody Husbands who are recruited to assist in the sterile cooking environment are fully trained and certified by approved agencies.

The turkey is a sentient animal whose rights are enshrined in law.

Celebrants wishing to consume poultry for a seasonal lunch must ensure that they seek the full written consent of the bird before it is slaughtered, roasted or carved. Failure to do so could lead to prosecution.

(Legal aid is no longer available to turkeys looking to uphold their rights. It is instead recommended that they turn to one of the many abattoir-chasing lawyers who operate a 'no wing, no fee' policy.)

In order to avoid the risk of salmonella, ensure your turkey has been cooked right through. The Food Standards Agency recommends a cooking time of three weeks at 200c, but many safety-conscious cooks prefer to begin pre-heating their oven during the August bank holiday.

Diners may wish to consider a safer alternative such as Irish pork.

'Mince pies' cannot be described as such, as the name falls foul of consumer legislation.

'Mincemeat' does not contain minced meat. In order to avoid confusion and prosecution, Christmas celebrants should refer to fruit and suet based pastry snacks as 'fruit and suet based pastry snacks'.

Bear in mind that the following activities, involving bladed instruments, are classified as Extremely Hazardous, and should be conducted only by qualified personnel, wearing full protective equipment: peeling spuds; cutting those Xs into the bottom of Brussels sprouts, for reasons no one can understand; cutting carrots into fancy batons; trying to get the turkey in or out of the oven; tasting the gravy.

Carving knives should be removed from the kitchen a week before Non-Specific Winter Festival (the event formerly known by the offensive, rightly banned term 'Christmas') in order to avoid risk of injury. Many local gangs offer a complimentary collection service for such knives.

Under no circumstances should anyone attempt to light a so-called Christmas pudding without the presence of at least two fully crewed fire engines equipped with water-hoses, foam and flame-retarding blankets and a fireworks display licence.

Anyone caught contravening fire safety legislation in this manner will be banned for life from owning a Non-Specific Winter Festival pudding.

Please note that the meal formerly known as Christmas Dinner - officially renamed The Non-Specific Winter Festival Food-Intake Event - breaks all official guidelines for calorific intake and maximum weekly units of alcohol. This is not acceptable at a time of obesity.

A healthy, satisfying and enjoyable meal can be obtained by retaining many of the traditional features, in a new, exciting - and economical! - form.

Remove turkey skin, stuffing, roast potatoes, bacon, chipolatas, bread sauce, cranberry sauce, mince pies, Non-Specific Winter Festival pudding, cake, brandy butter, cream, custard and chocolates.

The main course should consist of:

1 slice lean turkey meat
Up to 200g carrots and/or sprouts
1 baked potato (no butter or cheese)
1teaspoon unsweetened cranberry coulis

Alcohol should be avoided. A refreshing glass of tap water can give that 'special occasion' feel with ice, a slice of lemon and a sprig of holly in the glass.

Note: Ice is a hazardous substance that can fall on the floor, causing slips that may lead to broken bones.

It must be handled with care. Goggles and gloves must be worn when handling lemons and holly. After the meal, it is essential that citizens do not fall asleep in an armchair in front of the Queen's Speech.

Inappropriate snoozing may result in deep vein thrombosis, and suffocation from party hats falling down over faces and blocking nasal passageways.

Carol singing

Edict No 2946SWJ/94853

Last year, 2,322 carol singers attended accident and emergency departments with conditions ranging from frostbite to sore throats. It is safest to practise carol singing alone and indoors - or preferably not at all.

Loud singing is harmful to both singer and listener. If you are performing Away In A Manger in a manner loud enough to be heard above the traffic noise, you are breaching health and safety legislation - and you may be blocking fire exits.

Knocking on a stranger's door to ask for charity donations is unsafe unless and until the carol singer can assure him or herself that the householder does not have a criminal record.

A simple criminal record check of every household in a typical street should take no longer than six to nine months.

Midnight mass

Edict No 23535BNW/3846

Walking to church at midnight is hazardous.

Any church that encourages a member of the public to venture on to cold and dark streets - or to receive less than the recommended eight hours' sleep - could find itself liable to prosecution.

Midnight mass should be observed at 11am.


Edict No 2453FRT32/973

Householders could be liable for damages amounting to millions of pounds if Santa, his reindeer or any of his elves should suffer personal injuries while delivering presents on Christmas night.

To avoid litigation, it is essential to ensure that all the following steps are taken.

1. Full runway lights and air-traffic controls should be installed on all roofs intended for use as sledge landing zones. These must comply with Civil Aviation Authority regulations and be certified by fully qualified inspectors.

2. Safety nets must be placed around the dwelling, of sufficient size and strength to withstand an impact from a fully laden sleigh, plus up to six reindeer and Santa.

3. Any home visited by Santa qualifies as his workplace, under EU regulations.

Santa must therefore be provided with a hard hat, goggles and full safety harness.

The householder will be liable for any injuries inflicted during Santa's chimney descent. If the householder provides a ladder to assist Santa, this must be fully secured to the side of the building - and training in climbing up and down ladders should be provided (this may take several hours).

4. All mince pies left out for Santa must be cooked by fully qualified personnel with certification from the Food Standards Agency, to prevent any pie-based poisoning incidents. Carrots provided to reindeer must conform to EU directives relating to shape, colour, etc.

5. Householders are strongly advised not to leave out glasses of sherry, port, wine, or any other alcoholic beverage for Santa. In the event of Mr Claus becoming inebriated and having an accident on his sleigh, or being caught by police drunk in charge of a reindeer, householders who supplied alcohol may face civil and criminal court proceedings.

Please note that the presence of Santa Claus, whose name derives from the Christian Saint Nicholas, may be offensive to those of other faiths and atheists.

Householders who provoke racial or religious tension as a result of wanton encouragement of Christmas jollity will be raided by police and face prosecution and a possible prison sentence.

Health and safety note for Santa

Royal Mail officials will be on hand to measure the speed at which you carry out your delivery round. It is not permissible to leave a 'sorry you were out' note at homes that are awkward to reach.


Edict No 2453GEU333/463

Do not on any account wrap any gifts that may be handed over in conjunction with the Non-Specific Winter Festival.

Every year, tens of thousands of gift-wrappers are rushed to A&E departments suffering from potentially fatal paper cuts caused by deadly shards of wrapping-paper; bits of Sellotape stuck to their fingers; or presents dangling from their hand because they have accidentally tied themselves to the box when putting on the ribbon.

Furthermore, wrapping-paper, ribbons and gift-bags all constitute unnecessary waste materials which must be recycled, burned or sent off to China and stuck in a landfill where no one can see it, in accordance with government targets.

Parents are also advised that unwrapping presents may cause undue coronary strain, and possibly lasting psychological trauma to children as they are overcome by anticipation and excitement.

It is thus far better to hand over a present, unwrapped and clearly visible, in a calm, unemotional manner. An appropriate form of words to be used at this time would be:

'Please accept this age and gender-appropriate gift, which has been chosen according to official advice.

'And I wish you a very safe and healthy Non-Specific Winter Festival.'

If Non-Specific Winter Festival celebrants do not like the presents they are given, they should hide their disappointment from the donor. Hurt feelings cost the NHS millions of pounds in psychotherapy fees.

If family tradition or ethnic culture make wrappings unavoidable, bio-degradable hessian sacks, in a fetching range of browns, are available through official suppliers.

Do not attempt to place a foot inside a Christmas stocking that has been filled with gifts. This can result in serious injury. It is advised that celebrants retain the number of an emergency chiropodist should a young member of the family fail to observe this rule.


Edict No 1647CCO/5674

Legal opinion suggests that the cracker is illegal under the Explosives Act 1875.

Consult a lawyer before detonating one. In the unlikely event of permission being granted, it is advised that neighbours vacate their homes before any cracker is discharged.

Residents may return to their homes only when the all-clear sounds - this is heralded by the national anthem being played after the Queen's Speech.

The recoil from a cracker is estimated to be 2 per cent of that received from a small handgun. Do not use without wearing body armour.

The paper hats contained in crackers do not meet government-approved guidelines for safe headwear.

Wearing a paper hat in snowy conditions can lead to hypothermia.

Non-Specific Winter Festival cracker jokes are for entertainment purposes only. Any claims made within them are unenforceable under English law.

Furthermore, there is no truth in the statement that Santa Claus's preferred pizza recipe is 'deep pan, crisp and even'.

Celebrants should inquire with Mr Claus before placing any pizza order on his behalf.


Edict No 39582FUV/956

So-called 'Christmas' trees are discouraged.

The harvesting, transport and sale of trees damages the environment and adds to the carbon footprint.

Carrying a tree may result in back-strain, pine-needle scratch and a poke in the eye. It is thus strongly discouraged unless handled by fully trained personnel wearing protective clothing and equipment.

If any pine needles should fall on to the floor, the creation of an exclusion zone preventing visitors from approaching within 20 feet of the tree should avoid the risk of injury.

Tree decorations can be deadly. If one falls from the top of a tree, the result can be a serious risk to health.

Every Christmas tree angel should be fitted with a Kitemark safety harness and sent on a local-authorityapproved height awareness course.

Mistletoe is more poisonous than alcohol. Holly is sharper than pine needles. Both are instruments of death and should not be allowed into the home.

The practice of kissing under the mistletoe spreads infection and is hazardous. A simple email expressing respect and affection is the perfect safe substitute for a kiss.

If brightly coloured tinsel is used to decorate a tree, there is a risk that family members may be dazzled. Celebrants may wish to wear darkened safety glasses.

A child's drawing of a tree is a cheap and environmentally sound alternative to a decorated tree (provided that it is drawn on recycled paper).

All visitors to the house must undergo a full criminal record check before coming into contact with children.

Inappropriate contact with children - including cheek squeezes and a 'come and give your old granny a kiss' - is banned.
LOL, Blackleaf, good one!

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