Dumb things people say


Tonington
#1
So I'd be prepared to say that there is in fact such a thing as a stupid question ( I always thought that was a dumb saying). Of course there are also dumb answers. Heres some things that have apparently been said in court.

Lawyer: "Was that the same nose you broke as a child?"
Witness: "I only have one, you know.

Lawyer: "Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?"
Witness: "By death."
Lawyer: "And by whose death was it terminated?"

Accused, Defending His Own Case: "Did you get a good look at my face when I took your purse?" The defendant was found guilty and sentenced to ten years in jail.

Lawyer: "Can you describe what the person who attacked you looked like?"
Witness: "No. He was wearing a mask."
Lawyer: "What was he wearing under the mask?"
Witness: "Er...his face."

Lawyer: "How old is your son, the one living with you?"
Witness: "Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which."
Lawyer: "How long has he lived with you?"
Witness: "Forty-five years."

That's priceless. More can be found here (external - login to view)
 
Tonington
#2
Don't know how I missed this one
Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
Witness: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Lawyer: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
Witness: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."
 
El Barto
#3
Quote: Originally Posted by ToningtonView Post

Don't know how I missed this one
Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
Witness: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Lawyer: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
Witness: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."

lol This looks alot like a script from Naked Gun
 
eh1eh
#4
More Gems of the human race

Quotations from Fortune Cookies:

  • "You will find a bushel of money."
  • "Your smile will tell you what makes you feel good."
  • "You are going to have some new clothes."
  • "Your family is young, gifted and attractive."
  • "There is a true and sincere friendship between you both."
  • "The night life is for you."
  • "Face facts with dignity."
  • "You are magnetic in your bearing."
  • "You are free to invent your life."
  • "Good sense is the master of human life."
  • "Maybe someday we will live on the moon!"
 
El Barto
#5
This time last year we were taping maple trees. The two others working with me used battery drills. One of them was left handed , the other ask "are you left handed ?'" . The other said "only with one hand"
 
Vereya
#6
There is one stupid question that comes up ever so often. It just drives me absolutely mad. It's when a person calls you, I mean not your cell-phone, but the regular kind of phone that you have at home, you pick up the receiver and say "hello!", and then the caller replies - "Hi! Are you at home?". It just gives me the seizures every time I hear this question. It is fun to reply - no, I am not, and feel the other person think at the other end of the line.
 
temperance
#7
“Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can’t help but cry. I mean I’d love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff,” –Mariah Carey

“Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life,” –Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.

“I’ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,” –Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

“Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,” –Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: “I wouldn’t live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,” –Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

“I’m not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president,” –Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.
“That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I’m just the one to do it,” ? A congressional candidate in Texas.

“I don’t feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves.” –John Wayne

“Half this game is ninety percent mental.” –Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
“It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.”–Al Gore, Vice President

“We’ve got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?” –Lee Iacocca
“I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version,” –Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.
“The word “genius” isn’t applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein,” -Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

“We don’t necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people.”–Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

“If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.” –Bill Clinton, President
“We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur.” –Al Gore, VP
“Traditionally, most of Australia’s imports come from overseas.” –Keppel Enderbery
“Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.” –Department of Social Services,Greenville, South Carolina

“If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there’ll be a record.” –Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
Last edited by temperance; Mar 5th, 2007 at 06:45 AM..
 
Curiosity
#8

THOSE QUOTES WERE WONDERFUL - THANKS FOR THE EARLY MORNING LAFF!!!
 
snfu73
#9
www.overheardinnewyork.com/ (external - login to view)

I love this site...it's hilarious. Even if half of the stuff wasn't really said and was just made up, whoever wrote them is dang funny.
 

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