When Mom and Dad Grow Old


mapleleafgirl
#31
i dont know what ill do if and when my mom gets really old, but im wondering if something is wrong with nursing homes or seniors centres? i mean, isnt that the best care around for old people who might be sick and needs a nurse around all the time? how else can somebody take care of them if they have to work and all that? anyway, whats the difference between seniors centres and nursng homes ayway?
 
m_levesque
#32
Quote: Originally Posted by mapleleafgirlView Post

i dont know what ill do if and when my mom gets really old, but im wondering if something is wrong with nursing homes or seniors centres? i mean, isnt that the best care around for old people who might be sick and needs a nurse around all the time? how else can somebody take care of them if they have to work and all that? anyway, whats the difference between seniors centres and nursng homes ayway?

Senior Centres usually cater to a healthy population, a group that is somewhat independant and able to function with limited attention, whereas Nursing Homes are geared towards people who require constant medical attention and are somewhat less mobile.
 
annabattler
#33
I moved my 79 year old mother in with our family. She had beginning Alzheimers, and was unable to really look after herself.
Her condition rapidly deteriorated once she moved in...part of that,I think,was the 50 plus years she had lived in her own home.Habits of a lifetime were ingrained...she knew where her own broom was,where the bedroom and the bathroom were...none of these things were familiar to her in our home.
We have a fairly good "seniors" service here, and received great support from them. That meant we could get out to school events for the children,hockey games for them,and an occasional social evening for my husband and I.
The downside was the lack of sleep...my mother didn't seem to have any more "body clock" routines...days became nights and vice versa.
Her lack of recognition of family members was devastating...her loss of "self" was worse.
She and I had long ago had the "will" chat...but neither of us raised the "what if I need care" chat.
Eventually,I placed her in a caring institution. They are tough places to visit...mostly,I suppose,because it smacks us in the face of what our future might hold.
I've said here before that I'd like to be able to make my own dignified exit,preferably at my own hand.
I don't think that would have been my mother's choice.
 
marygaspe
#34
Quote: Originally Posted by vinod1975View Post

Respect your parrents and do not argue with them , that should be our moto , coz once we loose them then only we starts relizing the movement and at that point of time we can only and only cry and cant do anything else.

I'm new, but I'm guessing you're not Canadian? Not argue with our parents? Hun, what would teenage years be without that
 
marygaspe
#35
Quote: Originally Posted by annabattlerView Post

I moved my 79 year old mother in with our family. She had beginning Alzheimers, and was unable to really look after herself.
Her condition rapidly deteriorated once she moved in...part of that,I think,was the 50 plus years she had lived in her own home.Habits of a lifetime were ingrained...she knew where her own broom was,where the bedroom and the bathroom were...none of these things were familiar to her in our home.
We have a fairly good "seniors" service here, and received great support from them. That meant we could get out to school events for the children,hockey games for them,and an occasional social evening for my husband and I.
The downside was the lack of sleep...my mother didn't seem to have any more "body clock" routines...days became nights and vice versa.
Her lack of recognition of family members was devastating...her loss of "self" was worse.
She and I had long ago had the "will" chat...but neither of us raised the "what if I need care" chat.
Eventually,I placed her in a caring institution. They are tough places to visit...mostly,I suppose,because it smacks us in the face of what our future might hold.
I've said here before that I'd like to be able to make my own dignified exit,preferably at my own hand.
I don't think that would have been my mother's choice.

Quote has been trimmed, See full post: View Post
Same thing happened to us. My Mom was 81 and going through what you described. We moved her in with us. It was hard, very hard. She often tought was little and called out for me and my brothers and sisters to "get ready for school" I'm sure you know the sort of stuff I'm talking about.

In the last few weeks before she died she insisted we take her to Mass. She used to be a devoutCatholic. Well, one Sunday I did and she insisted we were not at a Catholic Church because it wasn't the old mass in Latin. She was back almos 35 years in her mind!

In our situation, what really got under my skin was that once Mom moved in with us and we were caring for her, my siblings and their spouses almost gave us zero support. They all seemed content to let Mom be taken care of by me and my family.

But at the funeral, suddenly they were all devoted to her.
 
Curiosity
#36
Quote: Originally Posted by annabattlerView Post

I moved my 79 year old mother in with our family. She had beginning Alzheimers, and was unable to really look after herself.
Her condition rapidly deteriorated once she moved in...part of that,I think,was the 50 plus years she had lived in her own home.Habits of a lifetime were ingrained...she knew where her own broom was,where the bedroom and the bathroom were...none of these things were familiar to her in our home.
We have a fairly good "seniors" service here, and received great support from them. That meant we could get out to school events for the children,hockey games for them,and an occasional social evening for my husband and I.
The downside was the lack of sleep...my mother didn't seem to have any more "body clock" routines...days became nights and vice versa.
Her lack of recognition of family members was devastating...her loss of "self" was worse.
She and I had long ago had the "will" chat...but neither of us raised the "what if I need care" chat.
Eventually,I placed her in a caring institution. They are tough places to visit...mostly,I suppose,because it smacks us in the face of what our future might hold.
I've said here before that I'd like to be able to make my own dignified exit,preferably at my own hand.
I don't think that would have been my mother's choice.

Quote has been trimmed, See full post: View Post
AnnaBattler

Thank you for your post of experience and your shared sadness of course. It is a tough subject, but I wish more people would think on these things for themselves while they are young and can explore over the years the ramifications of becoming infirm and the drain not only for themselves, but for their loved ones.

I tend to favor my own control and care and decision-making but I haven't really brought up the topic with any family members yet - because I don't have a decision yet, but what you wrote about being able to make your own dignified exit preferably at your own hand....has a great gift of love attached to it....and I wonder why we circumvent the topic .... because it is painful or abhorrent to people who do not believe in it or ????

I am not talking about what we are considering for our parents.... I am talking about ourselves...although with the speed science is going, we may find ourselves living far beyond our norm now..... but I pray it will be quality life, not helpless existence.

I do wish you visited more often Anna - you post so many challenging messages and then disappear without more conversation. Anyway thank you for sharing....you have a great ability to communicate.
 
karrie
#37
Quote: Originally Posted by mapleleafgirlView Post

i dont know what ill do if and when my mom gets really old, but im wondering if something is wrong with nursing homes or seniors centres? i mean, isnt that the best care around for old people who might be sick and needs a nurse around all the time? how else can somebody take care of them if they have to work and all that? anyway, whats the difference between seniors centres and nursng homes ayway?

There's nothing wrong with the homes themselves.... there's something wrong with the lack of interaction with family that seniors tend to get once they are in these homes. With my great grandma, she was so frail that her bones would break if you picked her up wrong to bathe her. We had no choice but a care center, we couldn't help her at all. But we visited consistently, and when the time came that she was too frail to eat anymore, we stayed with her until she passed away. Many families put their relatives in these homes, rarely come to visit, and let them die in the care of nurses rather than in the comfort of family.
 
marygaspe
#38
Quote: Originally Posted by karrieView Post

There's nothing wrong with the homes themselves.... there's something wrong with the lack of interaction with family that seniors tend to get once they are in these homes. With my great grandma, she was so frail that her bones would break if you picked her up wrong to bathe her. We had no choice but a care center, we couldn't help her at all. But we visited consistently, and when the time came that she was too frail to eat anymore, we stayed with her until she passed away. Many families put their relatives in these homes, rarely come to visit, and let them die in the care of nurses rather than in the comfort of family.


That's right. Many people, once they drop off their family members in those places, rarely visit with any sense of regularity. Sanctus us right about people in those places sitting around hoping that someone will come to visit with them. I postulate that the biggest issue for the seniors is lonliness.
 
L Gilbert
#39
Quote: Originally Posted by marygaspeView Post

I'm new, but I'm guessing you're not Canadian? Not argue with our parents? Hun, what would teenage years be without that

Right on. lol
I had the constant perfectly logical view that there was no sense i making my bed because I'd just mess it up later on that day. So the only time a bed should logically be made is when it's sheet change day.
It didn't go over very well.
 
Kreskin
#40
Quote: Originally Posted by L GilbertView Post

Right on. lol
I had the constant perfectly logical view that there was no sense i making my bed because I'd just mess it up later on that day. So the only time a bed should logically be made is when it's sheet change day.
It didn't go over very well.

I still think that makes perfect sense. The war department doesn't see it the same way.
 
vinod1975
#41
Quote: Originally Posted by sanctusView Post

In general yes, but not always possible. Honouring our parents means we should respect the life they gave to us, but for many people their parents are either neglectful or abusive. In such cases, we must seek to free ourselves of such events in our lives.


Have never across any such case where parrents are neglected ot abusive....
 
Kreskin
#42
In 1995 my dad suffered a severe stroke. One ounce worse and he would've died, but as it were he remained a vegetable in extended care for 5 years until he finally went. I remember within about 48 hours of the crisis my mother was posed with the dilemma - do you want to let him pass on or do you want him tube fed in the hope he makes a miraculous and unlikely recovery. She had never had such a conversation with him and he did not leave anything in writing to direct her in this decision. Although the most humane thing would've been to let him go she could not live with herself by doing so. So she requested the tube and she visited him daily in his vegetative state for 5 years. It wasn't a good situation. I would suggest everyone expect the best but prepare for the worst. If the worst arrives and there is no playbook nothing in life is easy. If your parents don't talk to you about their last wishes ask them.
 
L Gilbert
#43
I usually hope for the best but expect the worst. Does that count?
I had a great aunt at the coast that was in slightly better shape, but not much. She could speak, and the most often heard words from her were, "I wish I could just die. Why won't they let me die?" Said that for 8 or 9 years.
 
Kreskin
#44
Quote: Originally Posted by L GilbertView Post

I usually hope for the best but expect the worst. Does that count?
I had a great aunt at the coast that was in slightly better shape, but not much. She could speak, and the most often heard words from her were, "I wish I could just die. Why won't they let me die?" Said that for 8 or 9 years.

It's a rotten situation. I said expect the best because nearly all of us will have the opportunity to at least communicate. Don't expect your parent to instantly become a vegetable but take a step or two to prepare for the worst.
 
vinod1975
#45
I can remember my grandfather who was 76 years of age and was on bed for allmost 37 years before he died , in his last 24 hour docs told us that he be no more in next few our he is going and what the max you can do is you can keep his body alive but brain will be dead and asked us what do we want do we want his body alive or I would say alive dead person , at that time on one but my grand mom came in front and signed on papers to relive him from everything coz she do not want him to in pain for any more as he had allready spent 37 years on bed and she is the one who took care of him
 
mapleleafgirl
#46
Quote: Originally Posted by vinod1975View Post

Have never across any such case where parrents are neglected ot abusive....

you must be pretty naive friend. some parents are awful, just awful. dads raping their kids or beating their wives and kids. parents on dope. one of my friends moms is so high all the time she hardly leaves her house. she lives on welfare. my friend has to work part-time to get extra grocery money cos her moms a loser and spends their extra money on weed. my own dad got himself born-again a few years ago and after a few years of listening to him tell my mom, my brother and me we were going to hell and quiting bible stuff at us 10 million times a day, he finally took off and has nothing to do with us cos he says we are the devils spawn or somecrap like that.
 
mapleleafgirl
#47
Quote: Originally Posted by KreskinView Post

It's a rotten situation. I said expect the best because nearly all of us will have the opportunity to at least communicate. Don't expect your parent to instantly become a vegetable but take a step or two to prepare for the worst.

if a person is like what you describe, do you think they can still think inside? i mean, that inside they still are there somewhere? know what i mean?
 
sanctus
#48
Quote: Originally Posted by mapleleafgirlView Post

if a person is like what you describe, do you think they can still think inside? i mean, that inside they still are there somewhere? know what i mean?


Good question. I'm not sure anybody knows for sure. Who knows the full power of the mind anyway, since we use so little of its potential?!
 
sanctus
#49
Quote: Originally Posted by KreskinView Post

It's a rotten situation. I said expect the best because nearly all of us will have the opportunity to at least communicate. Don't expect your parent to instantly become a vegetable but take a step or two to prepare for the worst.


My opinion is that it is best to die quickly. I would prefer it to having to go through a long hospital process watching someone waste away. I have been involved with people who are in just such a position, and the effects on the family can be devastating
Last edited by sanctus; Feb 13th, 2007 at 06:20 AM..
 
vinod1975
#50
Quote: Originally Posted by mapleleafgirlView Post

you must be pretty naive friend. some parents are awful, just awful. dads raping their kids or beating their wives and kids. parents on dope. one of my friends moms is so high all the time she hardly leaves her house. she lives on welfare. my friend has to work part-time to get extra grocery money cos her moms a loser and spends their extra money on weed. my own dad got himself born-again a few years ago and after a few years of listening to him tell my mom, my brother and me we were going to hell and quiting bible stuff at us 10 million times a day, he finally took off and has nothing to do with us cos he says we are the devils spawn or somecrap like that.


hummm , I am very luck in that sence but I was talking about only and only abusive and neglacted...
 
temperance
#51
If you look at the way a Asia family works ,its a unit ,the all live together ,the grandparents usually take care of the grandchildren when their children are at work ,until the are not able ,they don't "put their parents in homes because of the unit "take care of your own " When community nursing started for me I didn't venture to palliative in the begin(post op ,medical) but noticed that Canadians ,born here into 10 generation put their parents or their (parents them selves) into care facilities because both people worked ,nobody wanted the burden (all that time the parents invested in their children and the children selfishly never give back ,The homes care facilities are now geared to different levels of Nursing care ,so in one building you can end up retirement ,then with a little help and so on ,which is OK but with out your support system the unit the family its heart wrenching and some become bitter ,the staff takes the brunt,

That is why the retirement plan must encompass the whole last 20 years right up until passing ,if a retirement planner (in my eyes ) wants to give a family or people the best plan all must be discussed when everyone is coherent ,its does cost more, it is emotional ,but not as much as it would be without a plan ,When I had a chance to work with the Palliative care team ,I witnessed 70% of families lost in a emotional financial hurricane and the person that should have been focused on "the dying" was being cared for being supported by US (total strangers ) burn out was high rate Doc and nurses broken down ,we never imagined that people families would react ,where unable to deal with it ,the majority (unless the were the "unit type " ran ,hide ,just because they didn't know what to do ,out of that grew care giver support ,so we as a team could help them deal with not only the passing but the whole concept of who what and where --Hospice was always involved if the family so wished
Many couldn't get passed the though of a doc,not prolonging a life but instead ,help the passing without interfering unless there was pain --Will say it again the information is our there for people of any income level to get help ,like anything else you just have to ask ,
abuse is everywhere ,I don't know why but its not just in one situation ,and If I remember

do on to other as you would have them do to you

The material world has made people have to work more and spend less time being a unit --divide and conquer
 
tracy
#52
I know it's easy to judge those who "abandon" their families when things get tough, but I still have some sympathy for them. I wonder how much of that is just a self defense mechanism.
 
temperance
#53
Thats right , thats why they include family and give caregiver support as well , whatever a person (child of the parent ) can offer is gratefully encompassed , the children then, become a team member ,which if you ever get a chance to witness or become part of usually changes a person ,

Judging will happen within families but every person is so different in coping skills -the judge in the end its your own conscience
 
Kreskin
#54
Quote: Originally Posted by mapleleafgirlView Post

if a person is like what you describe, do you think they can still think inside? i mean, that inside they still are there somewhere? know what i mean?

My mom would talk around him like he wasn't there. I got a little peeved about it because I felt he did understand.
 
jimmoyer
#55
It won't be a world wide depression that hits you.
It won't be as bad as losing your job.
It won't be as bad as being robbed.

The thing that can throw you into poverty or wipe out your best retirement plan
is Mom and Dad getting sick and needing around the clock care.

We got a little cushion.

My Mom's an Angel. She changes Dad's diaper every day, cleaning off his bottom of poop. Gives
him his drugs. She gets a little help from Hospice everyday. Dad had a bad stroke 3 years ago.
And now he is slowly dying.

What a waste. Dad's got an intelligence I've always loved. His throat is so clogged he can't
speak.
 
Kreskin
#56
Quote: Originally Posted by jimmoyerView Post

My Mom's an Angel. She changes Dad's diaper every day, cleaning off his bottom of poop. Gives
him his drugs. She gets a little help from Hospice everyday. Dad had a bad stroke 3 years ago.
And now he is slowly dying.

What a waste. Dad's got an intelligence I've always loved. His throat is so clogged he can't
speak.

I'm sorry you are going through this Jim. My dad had some amazing musical talents. It bothered me a lot to see that wiped out in a flash.
 
jimmoyer
#57
You wonder why this must happen.

We're all going to have our turn.
 
karrie
#58
Quote: Originally Posted by L GilbertView Post

Right on. lol
I had the constant perfectly logical view that there was no sense i making my bed because I'd just mess it up later on that day. So the only time a bed should logically be made is when it's sheet change day.
It didn't go over very well.

I hate having these sorts of fights, so I found an easy way to solve the issue. My kids are only 5 and 6, and neither one can stand topsheets... they juts kick them to the end of the bed. So, I got rid of them. Now they have an afghan each, and a comforter. in the morning, they just pull the afghan out, flip the comforter up, lay the afghan across the end of the bed, and done. doesn't even have to be neat, just pulled together so the cat doesn't sleep in their beds.
 
karrie
#59
Quote: Originally Posted by L GilbertView Post

I usually hope for the best but expect the worst. Does that count?
I had a great aunt at the coast that was in slightly better shape, but not much. She could speak, and the most often heard words from her were, "I wish I could just die. Why won't they let me die?" Said that for 8 or 9 years.

My husband's Pepere said the same thing up until he died just before Christmas this year. It's so hard to hear them wishing to die.
 
jimmoyer
#60
Oy veh, is there not a soul on this earth without pain ?

What a thread !!!

Bless all of you guys !!
 

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