Absolutely ridiculous stories - tell yours


unclepercy
#1
This is a true story. It happened to me. Suggestions would be appreciated, as no solution has been found.

Back in January, I got this terrible pain in my right side, in the rib area. I kept poking around on it, trying to figure out what it was. Every movement was agonizing. I was moaning and groaning in pain when I would move or bend over.

I went to the dr., and they x-rayed my chest. Nothing, they said. And it went on - couldn't sleep because no position was comfortable. I was taking pain pills to help me get through my work. Eventually my imagination got the better of me, and I began to think it was cancer - some awful disease.

So, I went back to the dr. They sent me for a cat scan. A week passed. The pain was a little better, but still there. Today the dr. called to tell me that I had 2 broken ribs that were not healing. She asked if I had had an accident, and I told her no. It was, in my opinion, a year's worth of violent allergic sneezing. So, I fractured two ribs sneezing. They are not healing because I can't quit sneezing for a long period of time for the ribs to rest. What a ridiculous dilemma!

Uncle
 
darkbeaver
#2
Your allergic to texas.
 
Haggis McBagpipe
#3
Yes, believe it or not, that isn't even as rare a thing as you might imagine.

There is a way to sneeze without the force shaking your ribcage as badly (first thought, though, might be to get on some serious allergy medication). Anyway, when you feel a sneeze come on, press very firmly on that area of your ribs, brace it for the coming sneeze. Basically, you are forcing your ribs to stay put while the rest of you sneezes. It really can make a difference.

Another thing, you might be able to waylay a sneeze by holding your breath when you feel one coming on, and pinch your nostrils. Sometimes this will stop a sneeze.

Finally, if your allergies are seasonal, then sleep at night with your bedroom window shut, and in the daytime, keep the bedroom door and window shut. It might get stuffy, but it keeps the pollens out of the room, which means that you get a full eight hours or so without allergens irritating your respiratory system. It gets a break, and so in the daytime, you are better able to cope.

If you've been outside at all, and exposed to whatever it is you're allergic to, when you come back in, take a washcloth and wash your face and hands. This gets the pollens away from your nose, mouth and eyes.

None of this is ideal, perhaps, but it should help.
 
zoofer
#4
My first thought was that your shorts were too tight tho that usually results in a pain between the eyes.

Do not stifle a sneeze. Let it all hang out. Yell AWCHOOO with the sneeze. You want as little internal pressure as possible.
Pay attention to Haggis's advice. Allergies are nothing to sneeze at.

Some people, probably Rohan or Cortez orgasm when they sneeze.
Give these two a wide berth as they often spray pepper in the air.
 
cortez
#5
Aaah Choooo
Aaaah Choooo
Aaaaahhh Choooooo
Aaaaaahhhhh Chooooooo.......


AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH......

Yep, youre right, Zoofer.........
 
Libra Girl
#6
unclepercy, what a dreadful dilemma. You have all my sympathy.. Haggis gave some good advice. If I want to stop sneezing I press my thumb and forefinger across the bridge of my nose; works every time.. though I hasten to add that I do not suffer too often, as you seem to do, from sneezing.

I also have a ridiculous story to tell.. unfortunately it may come across as boring since there is no ending to the story.. !!

It was a couple of years ago; I was late in picking up a friend from work. Late, sunny summer afternoon; smooth road, fine mist of rain had just fallen, and I was rather putting my foot down; not panicking, I'm rarely phased by events out of my control, but I hate to be late..

There was noone else on the wide road, no buildings except a bowling alley ahead on my left. As it hove into view I watched for patrons emerging, and was relieved to find none within my field of vision.

I failed to see however, the very new looking vehicle, a nice shiny red car stationary, in the centre of the road, indicating a right turn. I stood on the brakes, but knew that a hit was inevitable. As I sped nearer to the car, and being a very observant individual, even in a crisis, I noticed from the rear view I had of him that the driver looked to be around fiftyish and rather distinguished.

Having stood on the brakes the damage was less severe than expected.. his car shot forward a couple of feet, and I heard the crunch of taillights etc. There was no question that the guy knew he was hit, his bumper was hanging on the ground. Sinking my head onto my arms that were across the steering wheel I thought oh er.. sugar!

A second or two later I looked up, expecting to confront an angry driver, only to see the car speeding away from me and disappearing into the sunset. I was totally stunned!! Some people hearing the crash from the bowling alley came out, but only saw me sitting in my car, in the middle of the road..

I picked up my friend from work and drove to a police station, where I was warned that if the other driver came forward and complained I could be charged with driving without due care and attention. They said that the other driver may have stolen the car he was driving, but I simply couldn't believe this, as the guy looked so distinguished.

What happened that day I will never understand, and nothing ever came of it. To this day I remain bemused by the whole episode.. ??!!? Beats me!
 
Haggis McBagpipe
#7
Hey Libra Girl, that is one of those oddities, isn't it. Maybe he was an errant husband, in the general vicinity of a woman he wasn't supposed to see again, or something like that! Too weird to think you'll never really know, but it's fun to conjecture!
 
Jay
#8
Quote: Originally Posted by Haggis McBagpipe

in the general vicinity of a woman he wasn't supposed to see again, or something like that!

You think she hit Zoofer?
 
Libra Girl
#9
You know Haggis, that particular explanation never occured to me.. how naive is that lol.

But your right; not knowing bugs the heck outta me.
 
Libra Girl
#10
Zoofer? Who...?
 
Haggis McBagpipe
#11
Quote: Originally Posted by Libra Girl

Zoofer? Who...?

Zoofer is our dear resident lech. You might recall him from your intro thread.

. . . oops, time for supper!
 
Libra Girl
#12
er.. no, no Zoofer in my intro thread..

Could I er.. suggest taking more water with it next time?


Kidding.. just kidding.
 
zoofer
#13
Did someone mention my name? I understand it is been recorded on prescriptions, some restroom walls and even in Hansard. (look under breastcare for mothers).
I have a story to tell. It was 5 weeks after my 5th divorce that I met Hortense. Thirty years my junior didnt seem to bother her. She was pleasantly plump and well rounded. She claimed a circumcised man was way more distinguished looking than the natural garden variety types. Well the short of it was I agreed to the operation just to impress her. Impressing an impressible young lady is what I do.... No need to ...
But I digress.
The operation was not 2 hours old when I hopped into my nice shiny red automobile and headed to Hortense's loving arms. The pain was bearable and may have added to the lust I was experiencing.
Gassing up before the 3rd last leg of the trip the station operator convinced me to deliver some Halloween pumpkins to a bowling alley down the road. With a rack like hers I would have delivered Mount Rushmore.
Anyhow 12 pumpkins in a small red car does not leave much room so I had to place one on my lap. I recalled reading about a Calgary lad who made love to a pumpkin so I got to thinking. Would one work as a poultice?
It was worth a try as I expected a heavy workout with Hortense later that night.
So I carved a not so little hole, wedged the pumpkin in place and revelled in the coolness from the fine misty rain and the said pumpkin.
Then from bliss to hell in two seconds. Some nutcase rear ended my shiny new red car. How the pumpkin shell withstood that crash was probably due to the cushioning effect of the family jewels. All the other pumpkins had shattered and the car was souped up. The evening headlines flashed before my eyes. "Distinguished sex fiend shafts pumpkins, screws Bowlers"
Would any cop believe my story seeing me coupled to a pumpkin?
I had to flee so sped away without checking to see who had rear ended me. The rear window was covered with pureed pumpkin anyway.
 
Haggis McBagpipe
#14
There ya are, Libra Girl . . . may I present the one and only Zoofer.

And now you know just what happened that day. . . .
 
MMMike
#15
Quote: Originally Posted by Haggis McBagpipe


Another thing, you might be able to waylay a sneeze by holding your breath when you feel one coming on, and pinch your nostrils. Sometimes this will stop a sneeze.

Just a cautionary note here... yes, holding your breath and pinching your nose might stop a sneeze, but it might cause your head to explode. It's true, it happened to a freind's cousin's brother once.
 
Haggis McBagpipe
#16
Quote: Originally Posted by MMMike

Just a cautionary note here... yes, holding your breath and pinching your nose might stop a sneeze, but it might cause your head to explode. It's true, it happened to a freind's cousin's brother once.

Actually, yours is a VERY good point, Mike (albeit slightly tongue-in-cheek). I meant to add, but stupidly forgot, that once the sneeze is inevitable and right there, you must never, ever be in full pinch-mode. Timing is everything, if the sneeze is determined to come despite your best efforts, then you must release that pinch before the sneeze, or at least not be fully pinched.
 
MMMike
#17
I had an experience like that too, LibraGirl. I tend to be a little heavy-footed when driving, and always in a hurry. Anyways, I was coming home from the airport last summer doing a health clip since I know the route like the back of my hand. Lane construction had closed one of the merge lanes onto the highway a little earlier than usual unbeknownst to me. By the time I saw my lane ending, it was too late and I ploughed into the car in front of me at a decent clip. The other car shot forward, and squeezed into the lane of traffic ahead of a big truck. There was not much of a shoulder so I merged into the lane behind the truck. I kept expecting to see the other car pulled over up ahead so I drove slowly. The car never pulled over, so I tramped 'er and whooped and hollered all the way home. My lucky day!
 
MMMike
#18
Not much of a story, but I have to share it... I'm still laughing about it! My office building is a small, old building. There are two elevators in a narrow hallway, with the back one recessed a few feet. A mirror was put on an angle at the end of the hallway so people could see the recessed back elevator. Twice last week I saw people walk smack into the mirror while going for the elevator. The first girl looked very confused, and looked straight at the mirror for a couple seconds before I said, yo!, over here. The second girl was even funnier. She not only walked full tilt into the mirror, but then actually apologized to herself for bumping!
 
MMMike
#19
Quote: Originally Posted by unclepercy

This is a true story. It happened to me. Suggestions would be appreciated, as no solution has been found.
Back in January, I got this terrible pain in my right side, in the rib area. I kept poking around on it, trying to figure out what it was. Every movement was agonizing. I was moaning and groaning in pain when I would move or bend over.
I went to the dr., and they x-rayed my chest. Nothing, they said. And it went on - couldn't sleep because no position was comfortable. I was taking pain pills to help me get through my work. Eventually my imagination got the better of me, and I began to think it was cancer - some awful disease.
So, I went back to the dr. They sent me for a cat scan. A week passed. The pain was a little better, but still there. Today the dr. called to tell me that I had 2 broken ribs that were not healing. She asked if I had had an accident, and I told her no. It was, in my opinion, a year's worth of violent allergic sneezing. So, I fractured two ribs sneezing. They are not healing because I can't quit sneezing for a long period of time for the ribs to rest. What a ridiculous dilemma!

Quote has been trimmed
Forgive me for laughing, Uncle! A little schaedenfreude, perhaps? I'm a bad man, I'd love to come down there and tickle your nose. I also enjoy telling jokes to people in the hospital after abdominal surgery.

Hope you're feeling better soon!

editted to add: tickle tickle tickle tickle!
 
Libra Girl
#20
Quote: Originally Posted by zoofer

Would any cop believe my story seeing me coupled to a pumpkin?

No, indeed, nor anyone else..

Quote: Originally Posted by zoofer

I had to flee so sped away without checking to see who had rear ended me...

But I get the point! There could be a myriad explanations of why drivers speed off... and that was a very funny story.

Haggis! My Momma done warn me about guy's like you; introducing naive young ladies to er.. questionable acqaintances. Shame on you!

MMMike. It makes you wonder though, doesn't it? There is so no way that I would speed off if someone rear-ended me. But, I do now see that there could be so many reasons why anyone would.
 
Said1
#21
Quote: Originally Posted by MMMike

Not much of a story, but I have to share it... I'm still laughing about it! My office building is a small, old building. There are two elevators in a narrow hallway, with the back one recessed a few feet. A mirror was put on an angle at the end of the hallway so people could see the recessed back elevator. Twice last week I saw people walk smack into the mirror while going for the elevator. The first girl looked very confused, and looked straight at the mirror for a couple seconds before I said, yo!, over here. The second girl was even funnier. She not only walked full tilt into the mirror, but then actually apologized to herself for bumping!

That's funny.

When I was a receptionist, I used to watch people chat while they waited for the elevator, unbeknownst to them that no one had pushed the button.
 
unclepercy
#22
Quote: Originally Posted by MMMike

Quote: Originally Posted by Haggis McBagpipe


Another thing, you might be able to waylay a sneeze by holding your breath when you feel one coming on, and pinch your nostrils. Sometimes this will stop a sneeze.

Just a cautionary note here... yes, holding your breath and pinching your nose might stop a sneeze, but it might cause your head to explode. It's true, it happened to a freind's cousin's brother once.

Mike,
Well, I heard holding in a sneeze can cause a slipped disk, and letting it out can do the same thing. From an orthopedic surgeon. Can't win for losing, can ya? I know someone who threw his back implant out sneezing. Sneezing is a dangerous hazard.

I try to stay at home, avoid dangerous exercise, sit in a comfty padded chair, walk slowly, and use tremendous caution - and yet this is the 8th fracture I've had since adulthood.

Uncle
 

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