The Idiot Across the Street


Reverend Blair
#1
I first met the idiot across the street shortly after his new house was finished. This was a few years ago. I heard my wife talking to somebody on the step, then I realised that my wife was crying so I wandered out to see what was going on. This fat f*ck was threatening to kill our cats.

I threatened to beat him to a bloody pulp and pointed out that he'd best pray that nothing bad ever happened to any of our cats. He tried to look tough as he ran away, but it just wasn't happening...he looked like a scared man running away.


A few months later I caught him throwing rocks at one of my cats. We had another chat, which I initiated by throwing a rock at him. This one gathered a bit of a crowd and he retreated into his house before the entire neighbourhood started throwing rocks at him.

I doubt I'm considered the best citizen in the neighbourhood, but I don't throw rocks at cats, after all. I'm nice to the people who walk by and even answer their children's interminable questions.

Anyway, after the rock thing some of his neighbours (he has a 2 acre lot that a lot of other properties back onto, so he has a lot of neighbours) started confiding their troubles with him to me. He's caused massive drainage problems for them, threatened their pets, chased their kids away, and lit one guy's yard on fire with his fireworks. He's an idiot, a pariah in the neighbourhood.

The only friend he had around here was the moron who lived next door to me for a couple of years...another neighbour from hell who has thankfully moved away. They both have this nasty habit of solving their problems by dumping them on somebody else, then attempting to intimidate anybody who dares talk back. They might fare better in another neighbourhood...people around here tend to talk back a lot and don't intimidate so easily. Some us of throw stones, for instance.

Anyway, I was looking out my window just now and Frank, the man who lives on the corner and has property that backs onto the idiot's, ran about ten feet and whacked the idiot across the street on the side of the head. It was a pretty good shot...rocked the idiot back on his heels. I hobbled out onto the step because watching two sixty year old men have a fist fight might be interesting. My money was on Frank, he has a longer reach and is pretty fit. Also, if he got in trouble I'd not hesitate to give him a hand.

Frank annoys me sometimes, he's a former gym teacher and he likes to yap a lot and is always way too slow to offer a beer, but he's basically a nice guy and when he does offer a beer he means several beer. He's also not known for physical violence. He talks, he politics, he doesn't swing. He doesn't even usually raise his voice, come to think of it. He spent most of his life dealing with high school students, after all...he knows a thing or two about anger management.

Anyway, I put on my shoes, grabbed some beer, and wandered out on the step. Turns out the idiot has buggering up the drainage again, but this time there's a twist. When Frank's wife questioned him about it, the idiot called her some very un-nice names that would be characterised as misogynistic at best. Apparently it was in some sort of public forum and highly inappropriate.

I don't know Frank's wife well, since I'm not allowed to smoke in her house, but I do know she is never anything but polite and her tongue is not very sharp, although she is.

The idiot across the street started talking about cops and assault charges, so I wandered across the road. I gave Frank a beer, but made a point of not offering one to the idiot. A couple other neighbours came wandering over. I gave them each a beer. I find that if you want people here to help you out, it's best to be waving beer at them.

One of the neighbours talked to Frank in reasoned tones and got him to go back into his house. The remaining neighbour and I stood there in the idiot's yard talking about how unfortunate it would be if charges were pressed and how something had to be done about these new people who just wouldn't even try to fit in around here. I don't know how effective it was, but I do know that the idiot eventually returned to his house and I haven't seen a cop car yet.

So does anybody have any suggestions on how to get this idiot to move away? I don't think Frank can take much more, and the other people who have to deal with drainage problems and the rest of this idiot's stupidity are likely to kick him into submission one dark night.

He is causing much discord in my neighbourhood, and we really don't like discord around here. We're more about tolerance and beer and not stepping on each other's toes.

Ideas would be welcome...I have a feeling there will be a meeting about this soon.
 
Vanni Fucci
#2
The Terms of Service of this site won't allow me to comment on the matter...
 
mrmom2
#3
Rev somebody in the neighborhood should call a tip in to crime stoppers that the guy has a grow op in his basement
 
Reverend Blair
#4
Good idea, Mr. Mom. Perhaps several calls...grow op, crack dealer, whatever.
 
mrmom2
#5
 
Reverend Blair
#6
Well, we don't really know how he he earns his money...all of those things are plausible. I just got off the phone with somebody who was alternating between tarring and feathering him and running him out on a rail. Those might might seem old fashioned and maybe even quaint, but this neighbourhood is kind of like that.

Christ, if the guy with the horses gets involved they'll be talking about drawing and quartering him, no doubt.

A little story about my neighbourhood. This happened before I moved here, or even knew this place existed.

Some of the local bikers had a clubhouse down the road a bit. It was kind of isolated and as long as they didn't bother anybody, nobody bothered them. They just used it to party and everybody around here is mostly tolerant of that kind of thing.

One day a biker and his chick showed up at the gas station buck naked and more than little messed up. Everybody thought it was kind of funny until the biker threatened the guy that owns the gas station. Seems naked bikers don't carry money to pay for their gas.

The clubhouse caught fire the night after that.

Now nobody knows how the fire started, but a lot of people kind of smirk a bit when it's mentioned.
 
Dexter Sinister
#7
Hey Rev, I think I'd like to have you as a neighbour. Reasonable, peaceful people who smoke and wave beer at me are always welcome, and there's always lots of beer for sharing with good neighbours at my house too. And wine (I make my own), and scotch... If you ever have occasion to move back to Regina, PM me and I'll arrange to have some of my neighbours ...uh... "relocated" so you can move in.

If this moron neighbour's truly messing up the drainage and causing flooding or something on other people's property, or the city's property, or creating stagnant ponds for mosquitos to breed in, your local city councillor might be interested, and so would the city's engineering department, and the pest control people. Water and drainage are serious matters in Winnipeg, as I'm sure you know at least as well as I do, and if he's messing that up you could cause a lot of trouble for him with a short letter to City Hall. Threatening to kill your pets might also be of interest to the police; that's an indictable offense.

Personally, I'd say anyone who makes my wife cry and threatens to kill my cats deserves the worst anyone can do to him, up to and including bringing out the ol' 12 gauge...
 
Vanni Fucci
#8
Well...I'm glad that your neighbours aren't bound by the Terms of Service that I am then...
 
Reverend Blair
#9
Quote:

Well...I'm glad that your neighbours aren't bound by the Terms of Service that I am then...

We tend to bound by not a whole lot around here. It's like a small town full of odd people. Actually, it is a small town full of odd people.

Quote:

If you ever have occasion to move back to Regina, PM me and I'll arrange to have some of my neighbours ...uh... "relocated" so you can move in.

The next time I can make it further west than Indian Head, I'll let you know, Dexter...I'm prone to familial complications that preclude me from enjoying myself. I sure as hell wouldn't want my wife's in-laws.

My niece is getting hitched this fall. Maybe we can meet in the bar in Balgonie or something.
 
Dexter Sinister
#10
Quote: Originally Posted by Reverend Blair

I sure as hell wouldn't want my wife's in-laws.

My niece is getting hitched this fall. Maybe we can meet in the bar in Balgonie or something.

Deal, be happy to buy you a beer, long as you'll buy the second round. And the fourth, sixth, eighth, however long it lasts. Or you could invite me to the wedding for the free bar. I have a suit that might fit me. There *will* be a free bar?

Your wife's in-laws? Subtle, Rev, took me a second to get that one. Reminds me of the time I told my wife that one of the best things about her family is that she has better in-laws than I do.
 
Reverend Blair
#11
I'm a strong believer in buying every second round or so, Dexter.

I'm counting on a traditional free bar at my niece's wedding. I didn't charge her for drinks at my wedding, after all...she was five then...you know how they run through the juice.
 
Dexter Sinister
#12
Hell, come to the house, bring a dozen of your favourite brew and I'll provide a dozen of mine (Corona with lime wedges, Rickard's Red, or Alexander Keith's fine pale ale), we'll whoop it up on the deck, and any neighbours who're offended by the noise get invited over for a free one. (You might even get to see the huge-breasted lady next door. And I mean HUGE. Like 38F.) It's a lot cheaper than buying it in a bar. My cheap Scots soul, ya know...
 
Jo Canadian
#13
One word man: Skunk.

I'm sure your area is more or less rural and critters can accidentilly get into things...and houses.

If you could get a skunk (or three) in his house and agitated, and of course if he likes throwing rocks at animals, perhaps he may do the latter for you. The smell would be inside the house for years to come. It would soak into furniture, clothing, wallpaper.

I've had that happen in a cottage of ours on the Island here, except that the skunks blew off under it, not in it. An still then anything from the cottage for at least 10 years smelled like skunk.


Phone your local animal control. Live traps are pretty cheap to rent.
 
bevvyd
#14
Hey there Rev,

Drainage problems huh? Just moved from a house where a nieghbour caused so much bloody drainage problems we had a lake about 80' W x 150' L. A very expensive problem too I might add. Bout the only thing you can do is to push the problem right back at him. My neighbour dug a trench 75 feet long into my property and another neighbour about 2 years later cleared out over 100 feet x 30 feet of our land, so they could drain from their property onto mine, but the last guy was nice enough to put in a catch basin on my property. City hall is a complete waste of time and energy. By-laws, Engineering, Enviromental Technician Officer (municipal and provincial), Mayor and RCMP are completely useless cause this is a civil problem, not criminal nor anything that the city can do anything about, and our drainage ditch drained into a protected fish bearing stream.

Trust me on this one, buying dirt and other landscaping supplies to fight back this idiot is far less than the $2500 down payment with the lawyer, cause it's a Supreme Court case, $200 per hour, time off work, stress.....

Been there done that.
 
Reverend Blair
#15
Quote:

Hell, come to the house, bring a dozen of your favourite brew and I'll provide a dozen of mine (Corona with lime wedges, Rickard's Red, or Alexander Keith's fine pale ale), we'll whoop it up on the deck, and any neighbours who're offended by the noise get invited over for a free one. (You might even get to see the huge-breasted lady next door. And I mean HUGE. Like 38F.) It's a lot cheaper than buying it in a bar. My cheap Scots soul, ya know...

That sounds excellent. If we can slip away from the family for a few hours, of course. I'll definitely give it a shot though.

Quote:

One word man: Skunk.

I need him to be able to sell the place though, otherwise he'll never leave. Good idea though.

Quote:

Drainage problems huh? Just moved from a house where a nieghbour caused so much bloody drainage problems we had a lake about 80' W x 150' L.

He hasn't caused me any drainage problems, Bevvy. Thankfully I'm across the road from him. The people around him have been going through much of what you describe though. It amazes me how, with all the rules and regulations in this city, this guy just does whatever he wants. He's breaking all sorts of rules, but nobody with any power seems willing to enforce those rules.
 
bevvyd
#16
We found out that City of Maple Ridge , where all this happened, is trying to promote and attract small businesses to the community. So even though we were in the ALR and there are many many rules and regulations which you have to abide by, the city was quite willing to disregard, turn the other cheek on matters which were contrary to what they were trying to promote.

When the enviro tech came out he took a reading of the sedimentary levels, or something like that, and the test blew off the max off of his gauge. There is a good probability that salmon stocks were affected, as what they did was on a grand scale, but the contractor was only told to put down a bale of hay to try and contain some of the sediment that was flowing in the run off.

But all this in the interest of an expanded blueberry farm and a 75 year old entrepeneur making decorative railings makes this all OK with city hall. It was funny too cause the mayor's best friend lived 3 doors down and while out for dinner one night was complaining about developing an underground spring or something in her backyard.....
 

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