Just in.....hot off the teletype....
Left handers could be left with no shop!
Sohoís world-famous Left-handed Shop in groovy Beak Street, has announced it will be closing down next month. The tragic event has been blamed on a recent decision by the shopís manager Ben "Lefty" Winkle to employ only left-handed members of staff.
Since 1985 the store had been a haven for the troubled and sometimes sad members of our society with dominant left hands, providing left-handed can-openers, scissors, tennis rackets, cutlery and Bibles to name just five or six. Now however, these items - which are essential in making left-handers feel as though they belong in normal society - are no longer available and sit uselessly in a warehouse in Wandsworth.
Things started to go wrong in June when Mr Winkle became sick and tired of the constant bickering between his right and left-handed sales assistants about who was better and what was 'normal'.
His controversial sack
His controversial move to sack the right-handers rocked the special-needs retail world and even cropped up in the House Of Commons when Lionel Blair got cross and swore. It all blew over though when Mr Winkle offered the right-handers money to leave quietly - which they did, clutching a reputed £50.00 each in their good right hands.
With a full team of Lefties, the shop started experiencing problems almost immediately.
Huge queues of disgruntled and angrified customers formed as the disadvantaged staff fumbled and mucked up simple till transactions due to their disability. On some days, the shop didnít even open up as the frustrated staff stood outside and took it in turns struggling to make the right-handed key turn in the right-handed lock of the (ironically) right handed door.
Further problems arose in the left-handed Mail Order department - source of over half the shopís income - because infuriated Despatch Officer Matthew Oakley found the tape-gun and franking machine impossible to operate. Profits plummeted and the shop opened for the final time last Friday.
Is disability-based retail fundamentally flawed?
Since this article was written, we are sorry to report that the Red-Headed Store in Dundee has also been forced to close due to wild temper-tantrums and day-long arguments between its orange-top staff and strawberry blonde customers.